The best part about not being able to sleep is not having nightmares.

I've been pretty lucky, drifting in and out of sleep since it all happened.

Except for tonight.

It took me a while to settle myself down after Dimitri left. The house was suddenly too empty, too quiet. Every small noise I heard or shadow I saw was someone coming to get me.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and decided to slide into my bed and hope morning would come soon.

I thought about calling my mom, telling her I couldn't take being alone but I couldn't do that. I couldn't make her choose between money we definitely needed and me being afraid.

Before any of this happened, I felt like I was never alone.

I had friends to call, to come over or go out with. I never had to worry about being alone and now it's all I worry and think about, especially as I lie in my bed listening to all the sounds of the house and outside.

I fall asleep listening and worrying and end up dreaming for the first time in a long time.

I dream of my old life before any of this happened.

I dream of my friends: Meredith, Camille, Avery, Lissa, Charlie, Ralph, Jesse.

I dream of my boyfriend: Adrian.

I dream of my only family, my mother being happy.

And at some point everything goes dark. My friends drift away from me and I wake up and realize none of this is real anymore. These aren't my friends anymore, I don't have a boyfriend anymore, and my mother seems about as happy as I feel lately, just going through the motions.

When I'm really awake, trying to shake the dreams away, I open my eyes to find my mother kneeling beside me in her robe and slippers, her tangled hair pulled back in a sloppy bun, and a coffee mug in her hand. She looks concerned.

"Are you alright? I thought I heard you talking in your sleep, crying even."

I sit all the way up I my bed and look around my room trying to orient myself hoping I can forget the dream completely, hoping I can forget everything.

"I'm fine."

She doesn't believe me but she doesn't say anything either. She straightens up holding her coffee in both hands.

She catches a glimpse of my bandaged foot but doesn't say anything then either.

"You should come down stairs. There's someone here to see you."

Before I can wipe my confused expression off my face and ask who, my mother leaves the room. I can heard her in the kitchen, asking someone if they want anything to drink.

I make my way downstairs carefully with my bandaged ankle, wondering who would be visiting me.

"Hey Rose," Lissa greets, standing awkwardly in the kitchen.

There are plenty of chairs for her to sit in but she's shifting from foot to foot, almost like she unsure if it's even alright for her to be there. My mother is rinsing out dishes in the sink but it's obvious that she's listening and not going to leave us alone.

She use to like Lissa before all this happened.

Now all she sees is a girl who turned her back on her daughter and that's not something my mother will stand for. The last time she saw Lissa, she'd yelled at her. I wondered if Lissa was remembering the same thing as she continued switching from foot to foot, swinging her purse on different shoulders.

We stood staring at one another for a long time.

I could only imagine what I looked like right now, hair standing on end, disheveled tank top and sleeping shorts, and a thick bandage around my ankle My face must still look puffy and swollen a bit. It sure felt like it. Lissa in comparison looked great with her platinum hair straightened down her shoulders, makeup neatly applied to her face, and wearing a nice green sweater dress I helped her pick out a month before.

Her outfit looked great but the expression shifting on her face said otherwise.

"Hey," I finally greeted in reply.

She shifted her green eyes from me to my mother's back that was still turned to us. She wanted to talk in private.

"Can we talk in private?" she asked

My mother turned around then looked from Lissa to me, her arms folded across her chest. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear anything Lissa had to say but I definitely knew I didn't want to watch my mother possibly yell at Lissa again.

"Yeah sure," I finally answered.

I gestured to the living room and looked over my shoulder to assure my mom that I was okay. She gave a stiff nod in reply and turned back toward the dishes.

I knew she'd be listening.

Lissa stood close to the front door, ready to bolt at any second.

I shared the feeling.

I've known Lissa my entire life and we've never had trouble talking to each other, not since I went to the police.

I knew why she was here though. Guilt. Lissa always felt easily guilty.

"Are you here about what happened with Camille?" I asked.

Her shoulders sagged a bit. "I should've done something."

"You should've done something when I went to the police too," I couldn't help adding.

I could hear her surprised gasp at me even bringing it up.

She dropped her head. "I...I know. Seems like you're always fighting my battles."

"Just once I wish you'd return the favor."

Everything I'd been feeling the last few weeks was building up and without anyone to really take it out on, Lissa was my scapegoat.

She stiffened. I'd never been this harsh on her.

She opened her mouth ready to start apologizing but I held up my hand. "Don't apologize. I went to the police to help you and you turned against me. Do you know how bad things have been for me! Everyone in school, in town, hates me. My locker is sprayed painted and tagged everyday, people shove and trip me in the hall, and last weekend-" I stopped abruptly.

I had to forget about last weekend.

That wasn't directly Lissa's fault. I just had to forget. Bringing it up only made the pain that much worse.

"Never mind," I mumbled as she waited for me to continue, her eyes swelling with tears. If either of us should be crying, I should be.

We stood in another long silence, unsure of what to say.

"I think it's time you left," my mother said coming into the living room standing beside me. "You've done enough."

I loved my mom and her protective nature but it still hurt that we weren't as close to Lissa as we once were. We use to be a little family of our own but things changed. People changed.

She looked at the both of us with her green eyes and slowly slipped out the door.

It shut with a click.

"Are you alri-"

"I'm fine," I interrupted, pulling out of her reach. "I just...I'm fine."

I managed my way back to my room and shut the door behind me.

Everything was different now.

I wanted more than anything right now for things to be the same.