I can only think about bad moments in my life as Dimitri and I wait in the hospital waiting room.
The waiting room is empty since it's so early in the day. It's so quiet that I can do nothing but think which is funny considering the reason I left the house in the first place, after making the doctor's appointment and calling back Officer Alto, was so I wouldn't have to think so much.
Dimitri is still parking the car and I finished filling out the paperwork I had to so it's just me and my thoughts.
At least on the way here it was quiet in the car and I had the scenery to distract me.
Now it's just me and my bag of clothes.
I start listing the bad things in my head:
My father left us so soon after I was born that there isn't even one picture of him holding me.
It was rare when my mother was able get away from work to come to any of my elementary school assemblies, parades, or award shows.
My grandma was getting so sick and old, her bills more expensive, that money was tighter than ever and we went an entire month eating only Roman Noodles and without any power.
I had to spend two Christmases watching over my grandmother while my mother worked to pay bills instead of decorations or gifts.
My grandmother, our only other family, died on my birthday last year.
The day I met Adrian Ivashkov.
The night I found out Adrian wasn't the golden boy everyone thinks he is.
Having the people I thought were my friends turn on me and being a social outcast in the place I've lived in my entire life.
Finding out my best friend was attacked and I could've prevented it from happening.
My mom losing her jobs because I finally decide to report Adrian but it's too late and only makes things worse.
The night I was attacked...
"Hey." Dimitri touches my arm gently. I can feel the warmth in his hands even through my long sleeved sweater.
I jump, surprised to seem him sitting beside me since I hadn't even noticed he came into the waiting room.
"Are you alright?"
He's leaning close and the gentle scent of his aftershave cleared my head a little.
I nod. "I was just thinking."
When I don't elaborate he just stares at me.
"You're surprisingly quiet for someone so tall," I say trying to lighten myself up and forget about my impending examination. "I didn't even hear you come in."
My comment brings a smile out of him. He pushes his long hair back out of his face only to have it fall back into his eyes again.
"I use to take Victoria to her ballet lessons. I kind of learned how to be an elegant walker."
My laugh is a little too loud in the empty waiting room surprising the both of us. The image of a guy as big as Dimitri watching ballet is just funny to me. I find it hard to believe I was ever scared of him since he's more like one of those big guys that looks tough and intimidating on the outside but turns out to be surprisingly gentle and nothing but nice on the inside.
I laugh to myself at the thought that being alone with Dimitri was such a scary thought. Now he's the only person I'm comfortable being with.
"You don't have to wait here if you feel weird," I say hesitantly as I start thinking about the fact that he's here when I'm about to be poked and prodded by a doctor. The thought of being examined at all was uncomfortable.
"Would you feel better if I left and came to pick you up later?"
That's a tricky question.
On one hand, he has to feel weird being here. I do. On the other hand, I don't want to be alone.
Before I have to decide, a nurse comes out of the office and calls my name. Dimitri and I stand up and he hands me my bag of clothes. I start walking toward the nurse. Halfway there I stop and turn around.
"Will you wait here for me?"
His answer is immediate as he sits back down in the chair he'd been sitting in before, like it's the most obvious thing in the world that he'd stay. "Of course."
The nurse leaves a small gown for me to change into and takes the clothes I've brought after I explain to her what they are.
"Yes, Officer Alto called ahead and said you might be coming in," she says making a few notes in my file. "The doctor will be in shortly," she adds before leaving me to change.
I stare at the thin paper gown for a few minutes before getting enough courage to strip and put it on. I feel so exposed and open for the entire world to see as the doctor comes in, scribbling on the same file the nurse must've handed her, and instructs me to lay back on the examination table.
"I'm Dr. Odenlenski. You're the Rose Hathaway I've been hearing so much about," she says looking up with a gentle smile.
It isn't a comfort that my name is even more spread around town with pictures attached.
"How are you?" She sounds genuinely concerned instead of this being a casual doctor's question.
She sits herself on a nearby stool facing me.
"I'm okay,"I answer.
"That's good," she replies flipping through my file. "I'm glad to hear that considering."
Considering my life is in chaos.
She tosses the file onto the counter and looks at me. "It's been a while since the attack but there's always a chance that some evidence can be left behind."
"Evidence like what?" I was afraid to ask but managed to get out.
"Like...scaring. Bruising may seem unlikely after so much time has passed but it never hurts to look and I'd like to make sure you're physically okay and later on we'll talk about the mental stuff. Alright?"
None of it sounded good. I wanted to get up, pull my clothes on, and run out of here pretending none of this happened. Instead, I nodded. She stood up to wash her hands and told me to lie back on the examination table.
"This isn't something that can be described as comfortable but I'll work as fast and thoroughly as I can."
I took a deep breath, grateful for her kindness, and slid back on the bed while she propped my legs up and I swiped at the silent tears on my cheeks.
Once the examination was over and I was allowed to put my clothes back on, which I did hurriedly, the questions started.
I knew there'd be more questions and I'd have to tell the story over and over again as a consequence of reporting this but it didn't make it any easier. And the fact that I'd just been examined, poked and prodded in my most private of places, didn't make me feel any better either.
Despite the doctor's niceness, I felt extremely uncomfortable in my own skin.
The examination just made this more real.
There were a few times I'd managed to convince myself that this was a nightmare, someone else's nightmare that had someone been implanted in my mind for me to remember. I'd convinced myself that there was no way this could be happening to me.
But isn't that what everyone says?
No one thinks anything so terrible can happen to them until it does.
"Have you ever been on any type of birth control?" the doctor asked looking over the file where she was making notes.
I shook my head.
"Did you take a morning after pill the day after the attack?"
Again, I shook my head. The word attack was really starting to register in my head. This examination was changing everything. What if, even after I made the report and risked being a town outcast even more and having this examination, Adrian still wins? What if all of this ends up being for nothing.
It never even occurred to me to take a morning after pill or something. I'd been so ready to forget even thing, commonsense seemed to escape me too.
Dr. Odenlenski seemed to see the worry expressed on my face. "You haven't mentioned any signs of pregnancy and we took a bit of blood just in case to test," she assured.
I just nodded.
If I nodded anymore or shook my head it might fly off.
"Now we're going to get to the tough questions. Have you had any suicidal thoughts?"
I shook my head.
The doctor smile softly again and pushed her glasses up her nose. "That's good to hear. However I'd recommend seeing a therapist anyway. A preventative measure. Not to mention, sometimes in cases like these, the defendant's lawyer may request a psych evaluation as a way to test the legitimacy of everything you've reported."
My stomach sank to the floor.
"W-what?" I asked in disbelief.
I know Officer Alto had mentioned this before. But there is a strong difference between people not believing me and people tearing apart my story to make me look crazy. Hearing the doctor say it made it sound more real.
Even if Adrian was arrested, if there was a trial, there'd of course still be plenty of people who didn't believe me, questioning my sanity. What if it was determined I was unstable because I came from a less than perfect home than most kids in town? What if it was decided that I was lying and everything got worse for me and my mom?
No! The attack was real!
It was so real, so fresh in my mind, that I still had the stench of beer in my nostrils; I can still feel cold, clammy hands on every part of my body and the weight of being held down on my stomach; I can hear their laughter as clear as bells ringing in my ears and taste the blood from where I bit my tongue during the pain.
"It happened! The attack is real!" I snapped jumping up off the bed.
I startled the doctor who had been nothing but nice to me. I startled her so much by my outburst that she dropped her pen and my file.
"It really happened! I wouldn't make up something so awful, something that I cant forget about no matter how hard I try! Why is this happening?!"
I was yelling but I wanted to hit something as the memories bombarded me, playing like a slide show in my head. I flung my arm out as the image of Adrian grabbing for me flashing in my mind. I hit the glass jars holding cotton balls and other supplies and it all fell to the floor in a shatter.
"It's real! Why won't any one believe me?! It's real!"
Dr. Odenlenski had jumped up to calm me down, stepping over the glass, but I would back away every time she reached to touch me. All I saw was Adrian or Jesse or Ralph's hand reaching for me. I swatted her away and she stopped walking toward me.
"Don't touch me!" I shouted as I paced in the small doctor's examination room.
I would have run if she wasn't in front of the door blocking the only way out.
"I know, Rose. Please, take a deep breath. Try and calm down. No one is here to hurt you."
And yet I felt like everyone was hurting me.
I was shaking. The memories wouldn't go away. I felt like they were still touching me, I felt like they were here in the room with me.
"NO!" I shouted.
I felt them all over me, trying to come toward me.
"PLEASE! GET AWAY!"
"Rose," Dr. Odenlenski said calmly.
Her hands were held up in a warding gesture.
My deep breathes that didn't seem to be helping were the only noise filling the air. I tried to focus and calm myself down but too many tears were starting to fall and I couldn't breathe as well as I'd been breathing before. My throat hurt from shouting.
"Someone came here with you, right? My nurse told me there's someone in the waiting room waiting for you."
She leaned out the door and instructed someone to go and get Dimitri. I think she said my name again but the blood is rushing in my ears and I cant hear her. I was bent over leaning on my knees trying to breath but I was trembling and crying too hard to really pull myself together.
I sank to the floor, sliding down the wall closest to the window. Each time the doctor tried to speak to me while we waited for the nurse to come in with Dimitri, all I could hear was their laughter, Jesse's the loudest, like it was the funniest thing in the world holding me down while I was in pain.
I covered my ears with my hands and shut my eyes hoping to block it out. Hoping to block everything out.
There's a certain feeling you get when someone is standing in front of you. I could smell Dimitri's aftershave and when I dared to open my eyes he was kneeling in front of me with nothing but calm, concern, and all the patience in the world in his eyes.
"Rose." He said my name as if to test it, to make sure I heard him.
I could fight the images dancing around in my head if I just focused on the one person, this guy who has been nothing but nice to me and who has listened. I blinked away the last of my tears and tried to focus on new smells and better sounds. I focused on the sweet smell of his aftershave and the slight accent that he carried in his words.
It didn't work at first. The images were still there but the sound of Jesse, Ralph, and Adrian's amusement faded and I didn't have the scent of beer in my nose.
Dr. Odenlenski took the time that I was suddenly calm to fill Dimitri in on why exactly I had my outbursts. When she finished, Dimitri set his eyes on me as if asking for my side.
"They won't believe me. They're not going to believe me," I whispered only for him to hear. A look came over his face that told me maybe he understood. "I'm not going to win this."
There was a moment of silence as he thought about what to say. He seemed to choose his words carefully, as if he'd been thinking about this for sometime. "It would be nice if Ivashkov and his friends go to jail for what they did but even if they don't, the fact that you tried to tell your story means people will at least have some idea of what kind of people they are. People may night believe you right away but some will think twice before getting involved with them. And in the end, you'll come out stronger from this. It doesn't seem like it now but despite the outcome, you'll be the winner in all of this."
I wanted to be the winner. I just couldn't see it. I couldn't imagine myself making it out of all of this as a winner.
Dimitri's words helped though.
I was calm. I shoved my hair out of my face and took a deep breath. I looked around Dimitri at the mess I'd maid that the doctor and nurse were standing in, waiting to see if Dimitri could really calm me down.
"I think I might need therapy," I said tentatively, trying to lighten the mood.
Dimitri laughed softly and stood to help me up.
He extended a hand down and pulled me up slowly.
"There's nothing wrong with you. There are people that believe you and the ones that don't...well, we'll deal with them later," he told me gently.
Dr. Odenlenski stepped forward, glass crunching under her shoes. "It's best to think of the therapy as a way to make you feel better. Don't think of it as something you have to do to prove to everyone you're telling the truth," she offered.
Dimitri nodded along, agreeing with her.
I liked that thought: I didn't have anything to prove to anyone.
It doesn't mean I'm not going to try though. Regardless if anyone believes me, I'm going to tell everyone.
I have to.
I'm going to tell my story until everyone listens.
A/N: All of your reviews are awesome and really make my day. I was hoping you guys could help me though. There's a fanfic I remember reading a while ago and I don't remember the name or the author. My summary is going to sound weird but here's what I remember:
I remember it was rated M, Rose would go once a month or once a year to some elegant club where she'd sleep with guys or something and then one day Dimitri comes in and watches as she sleeps with some guy. I also remember that they end up going out to dinner and they have sex in the restaurant. It sounds weird but it's bothering me that I cant remember the story.
Anyways, hoped you guys liked the chapter and I'll post the next one soon.