The thing about always feeling so broken, of feeling like a victim that's never able to fight back, is that eventually you get tired of it.
That's what happened today.
I'd had enough.
At first, yeah I was a little shaken up about my mother basically leaving me and I even bit my nails to the bleeding point again and lost hope for a second or two but once Dimitri came to get me and reminded me that I'm not alone, that her leaving doesn't mean things won't turn out okay, I felt better.
For a few moments with him, I felt like my old self. The girl who could easily joke and crack a smile. That feeling felt so good that even when I started thinking about my mother again I faked a few smiles and a little bit of the lightheartedness here and there. It worked well enough and eventually I channeled all the feelings about my mother into wanting to practice self defense again.
It first, I was a little shaky but Dimitri said I picked up each lesson relatively quickly.
I started having doubts about my being to defend myself. I started worrying that I wasn't ever going to be capable. Thoughts of my mother and her rejection of me started creeping back into my mind and the fear that was becoming my biggest was that no one would ever want to touch me again, I'd never be held by anyone again.
And then I fell over myself trying to 'strike' at Dimitri and he caught me.
Right then I realized how much I missed being just held, having someone hold me tight and securely assuring me that I'm safe.
The last hug I really remember, a genuine hug that was for no reason at all, was from Liss and that was more than three months ago. Things were different now and I have a feeling we won't ever hug like that again.
I started thinking of Liss while Dimitri and I were at the restaurant and that waiter said I was being courageous and brave. It was the same exact thing Christian had said and I still couldn't believe it. It was uncomfortable at first having someone recognize me because of the photos but I started to think that maybe what I'm doing really is brave.
That waiter had basically implies his sister had been hurt by Adrian in some way and she hadn't done anything about it.
Lissa and Victoria had been hurt by Adrian and they were still close friends with him, pretending what he did never happened.
Adrian hurt me and here I was fighting so that he won't get away with or do anything like this ever again.
It took me a while to stand up and say anything but at least here I am trying to fight this and look at everything I'm going through. I wish that of all people -besides my mother- the person I once considered a sister to me would be brave enough to fight this through with me and she didn't.
I use to think of Lissa as one of the bravest people I knew because she was willing to do anything to fit in at school.
Now I realize it was never bravery but fear of being an outcast. Fear is what's keeping her and Lissa and anyone else out there the Adrian's hurt from speaking up and I never want fear to keep me down again.
A/N: I'm so glad you guys liked the filler chapter! There's another chapter posted right after this. Hope you like!