Elsa: the queen

Sometimes, it's no longer the same being alone.

Since when did I ever get over my own isolating process? It was for my own good, especially Anna's.

I needed to get away from her.

But I didn't seem to be doing a good job.

I got the big news just after Anna had learned. The first thing I heard that night.

Anna's death-dragged scream.

And constant weeping. All I could do was stare out a window and give the worst attempt to stay calm even when I knew jagged ice spikes grew furiously after each heartbeat.

Obviously, she came to me and yelled it all out. It wasn't how I expected to learn, but I did not take it easy either.

They still mattered to me, of course. Even if I stopped getting hugs ten years ago. Even when they stopped tucking me to bed. Even when they were too afraid of me.

I don't blame them. I will never blame them for that.

I also lost hope in myself. It's been a while since I actually looked at the mirror and saw a princess.

I no longer saw myself either.

Neither could I describe what I see.

As for Anna, I still dread the day when she will stop coming to my door and talking to me. She was growing up. I was growing as well.

I could feel us slipping away each day.

Despite myself staying inside my room all day and trying to not exist, I understood my sister. Everyone seemed to shut her out since the day I ignored her. It broke me.

"Unimportant." She liked to say.

She will never be unimportant. Because there are so many things I know she can do, that I would never have the courage to.

Anna inspires me to remain detached and always composed. This is all for her.

Necessities. I never had them.

I stopped thinking about myself before I could realize it.

Since when did I ever think about my misery? Not until now, if I may be honest.

But I was conscious. No doubt.

I always made sure no one saw a single wrinkle on my skirt. So I barely move around in public.

I don't speak unless someone has told me to.

I try my best to sit on an upright angle.

I make sure to head to bed at exactly ten in the evening.

Speaking was never my thing. But I am a very emotional person.

So it is hard to compose myself.

Especially with my own handicaps.

Like being and pretending to be normal. I knew I wasn't. Way before all of this. At the very beginning.

I will never allow my own sister to find out. I won't let her carry such a burden of living with a... a... Monster.

"Elsa?"

Speak of the devil.

Yesterday, I couldn't resist myself.

I had spoken to her and it was a big mistake.

I wanted her to think I didn't need anyone anymore. I want her to know that I'm fine by myself.

Even if it slowly killed me inside.

She was very right about my situation.

Who would want to be alone?

Maybe, people who need to think.

People who want to calm down.

People who know that they could harm the ones they love dearly and would do something as ridiculous as no longer showing up to the dining table and to their own birthday parties.

The things I do for love.

"Hi, um how are you?" Anna asked through my door.

I won't respond anymore. She would know what's coming. I waited for a patient response to her own question.

"I'm doing fine. As always." Anna's uncertain voice rang bells in my ears. "About yesterday... Maybe we could do this again?"

I give her silence as my response.

But to me, it was a die hard yes.

"Y'know... Talk?"

Talk.

I continue staring at the door, with the same sad look I knew I always held whenever she came by to ask me simple favors.

"I'm turning sixteen soon. Maybe you'd like to celebrate it with me? I mean, mama and papa won't be here. Obviously."

I would never forget her birthday. But I have made it through almost eleven of them without bothering to say a word to her.

I wonder if she ever remembers my birthday..

Then again, she would also never forget. Every year on my birthday, Anna would stay by my door with one entire cake and a present. She always got me presents.

She would stay by my door for the entire day, talking and laughing almost to herself, like she was going somewhere with her conversation.

But by midnight when the little party is over, she would always give me the same rhythmic knock and inform me that she has left the cake and present outside for me to take.

Because she already knows I won't get it unless she's plain out of sight.

Last year, she gave me a portrait.

And it was a big one.

It was a family portrait of me and her as kids in the garden.

I've seen the painting a million times when I was smaller. It always hung around by the grand fireplace in the main hall.

Anna probably thought I forgot about her.

I felt so disappointed that day.

So useless that I couldn't spin her head the other way around.

I just couldn't.

But I left her smiling when she had realized that the painting was no longer in front of my door and is replaced by a portrait of father on top of the grand fireplace.

What she didn't know is that the portrait is in my room, yes.

But I couldn't get myself to hang it up. I covered it with a piece of satin and let it sit behind a chair I never use.

Because it was a reflection of every regret I have ever made.

Every portrait or photograph has a story to tell, that is true.

But that portrait I had even up to this day held the worst story of them all.

"Then again, maybe not." I could hear Anna grip her thick dress. "I could just spend my birthday here again! W-Wouldn't that be fun?"

I put a hand over my mouth to mute my own guilt.

I hated myself for this. I didn't want her to spend her birthday celebrating and laughing with a door.

I so badly want to tell her that she could just celebrate it with me. Outside. Where we can both have fun and wish her another prosperous year.

And it's been something I've been wanting for eleven times already.

I couldn't restrain myself any longer.

This was too much to handle for a growing girl. She needs someone to enjoy life with.

But she had no one.

And no one cared about her.

She had me I wanted to tell her.

But that wasn't entirely true.

In fact, it's wasn't true at all.

"We're going to have cake. Chocolate, because that's the best kind..." She trails off. There was so much melancholy in her voice, I tried my best to stifle my own breathing because I could feel it getting heavier.

"And... We're going to talk and have fun until... Until it's over. Midnight. Sounds good?" Anna calls out to me, clearing her throat afterwards.

It was March today, that I knew.

But it's been forever since I've looked at the date.

"I'm taking that as a yes." She tried so hard not to sigh but I hear her walking away quickly like she always did.

I want to give her something. I really did. It was just a big disappointment that there are so many things in the way of it.

Like my life.

I at least wanted to give her something I've always wanted to give her.

Which is my heart. Anna would never understand.

That's because all her life, she's convinced herself that she had done something wrong to me even when it should be the other way around.

I'd made her feel guilty for no reason. She's blaming herself for something she didn't do.

And that's when I knew that she so dearly, loved me back.