Chapter 6
I Am Not Afraid
It had been a week since Ash had awakened. He was completely paralyzed save for his head and three of his fingers on his left hand. He was given a motorized wheelchair that he could use to move around, but it was bulky and did not move very fast. He also was allowed to leave the hospital as long as he kept an IV of Hopenol running straight into his bloodstream at all times. He arrived at home with his mother. "Welcome home, Ash. It's a little different than how you remember." Ash remembered nothing of this house. In his mind, his house was in Pallet Town. He lived next door to Professor Oak, with his dream mother and her helper, Mr. Mime.
Delia sighed. "It's been so quiet here when you were gone, Ash. I really missed you." She said. Ash said nothing. He didn't know this woman who claimed to be his mother. She felt like a lie, like some kind of fabrication meant to resemble his mother. "The doctors said that you could have certain foods for now. Do you want me to make you some oatmeal?" "No thanks." Ash said.
"Mom?" Ash said. "Yes, honey?" "What do you believe is more true, a person's body or their heart?" She gave her son a smile. "Ash, did you pick that up from some TV show you were watching at the hospital?" "Well?" Ash said. "Honey, don't dwell on you condition. I know it's rough to think that you'll never walk again, but we should be happy you're alive." Delia said. "But I'm not happy." She changed the subject. "I should probably clean your catheter. The nurses said that it should be checked often."
Ash thought about how humiliating it was for his mom to have to reach down his pants to clean a tube in his penis. She tried to work fast because she knew that Ash never liked it. "Done. Does it feel better?" Delia said. "I have a tube in my dick. It never feels good." Ash said. "Well, the nurses said that as you recover, you may be able to graduate up to actually using the toilet again. That's a long ways off though, so…" He cut her off. "If I live that long." "Ash, honey, don't say that." "Why? I've been a vegetable for years. My body's been destroyed by time and disrepair. I can't live much longer like this." "Ash, no. Don't say that." "Why? It's the truth!"
During Ash's stay at the hospital, he'd get into conversations with himself. Sometimes he would pretend that they were people he once knew. When he spoke in a deep voice, he tried to imitate Brock. When he spoke in a falsetto voice, he was trying to sound like May. He thought about trying to come up with a Misty voice, but still felt strange about her. Many of the doctors interpreted this behavior as Ash's way of recovering from the trauma of being comatose for so long. The problem was that to Ash, this world wasn't real. He may have been home, but this wasn't home to him. His home was in Kanto.
The problem was not just in Ash's mind. It was also in his heart. As he was isolated from the places and people he loved, his heart began to turn sick. He still loved his mother, even if he thought her to be a false perversion of what he truly believed she was, but nothing else. There was a horrid, sick feeling that permeated every thought that he had, like he simply did not belong in this world, in this real world. Ash knew that he couldn't live like this. He had to return to his real life, the life he lived in the pokemon world. There was no other world for him.
He made plans that night to go back. It was a long shot, and it could kill him, but he planned to go back into a coma. Somehow, he was going to cut off his supply of Hopenol and he would fall back into a vegetative state. With his only working fingers, Ash wrote a note to his mother before he readied himself for something drastic.
Dear Mom,
I love you with all my heart. I just wasn't meant for this world. I hope I can find a place of peace and happiness, a place I can finally call home. I love you. I hope you can truly believe me. I don't belong here, though. It's not who I am. It's not what I stand for. I need a new beginning, a second chance at the life I was living. I am not afraid to die, Mom. I'm just afraid of living here.
This isn't a suicide. This is a rebirth. I'm going to be reborn into the world that was meant for me. I know you worked hard to get me back. I let you down. I'm sorry. I don't care one way or the other if you try to bring me back again. It's just that this isn't who I am anymore. I am not my body. I am my heart and I have to listen to what my heart tells me. I have to before it turns cold. Please understand. I'm sorry.
I'll miss you,
Your son, Ash.
Once he was done writing his letter, he drove his wheelchair to the stairs. He planned on getting the IV pump caught on the railing and falling off. The plan was simple enough, and he would have done it too. His mother stood in the way. "Ash, what are you doing?" She said. He had to tell the truth. "Mom, I want out." "Out of where?" She said. "Out of this life. I used to be happy." Ash said. "Honey, you can still be happy. You still have…" She tried to think of something. "I have nothing. I have no friends. I have no adventure. I have no body, nothing. I had it all, though. I used to live in a special place called Kanto."
Delia wasn't sure what her son meant by this. "Ash, are you talking about killing yourself?" "No, Mom. I just want to go home." He said. "But Baby, you are home." "No, I mean my real home, the one in my heart." Delia smiled. "What's this home like?" "You're there. So is your helper, Mr. Mime. We live next door to The Professor. He makes cool gadgets and does research all the time." Delia didn't understand most of what her son was saying, but she did understand some of it.
"I have all kinds of friends in Kanto. I have Brock, a guy who's smart, but has a weakness for ladies. Misty she…" Ash stopped himself. Did he really consider Misty his friend after what had happened? He shook his head and tried to remember the good times. "…She's a nice girl with a bit of a short temper. She's beautiful too, kind of like you." "Ash… Why are you saying this?" Delia said. She knew what her son was saying, but didn't want to come to that conclusion herself. "Mom, I only have a few days left. I may be paralyzed, but I'm not stupid. If someone's in a coma for too long, their body systematically shuts down. Hopenol doesn't actually reverse this process. It just keeps you awake while you decay." Ash was right. Hopenol didn't actually wake the whole body up from the coma. It just made the subject conscious.
"Ash… I…" Delia started to sob. "I'm sorry. I thought that having you back would be like a dream, but it's not. It's a nightmare. I mean… Before the accident you were so happy. You'd run and play and just be the cutest boy I'd ever seen and I wanted that back so bad." "It's okay, Mom. I understand." Ash said. "No. No, you don't. You don't know what it's like having both your husband and your son ripped away from you. …You'll never know." Delia said. "I can relate." Ash said.
Ash remembered the world that he once knew. He remembered his family, his friends, his pokemon, everyone. "I had this good friend, Pikachu. I know it sounds stupid, but he was a little yellow mouse. He followed me wherever I went. He helped me and I helped him. We shared so much together, like a lifetime in only a few years." "This sounded like quite a life." Delia said. "I know. He meant everything, like he was a part of me. Then, he was gone. I don't think I've ever felt so sad in my life. I just want him back more than anything else in the world." Ash said.
Delia felt like speaking to Ash was like speaking to an alien. To a point, he was an alien. He wasn't from this world. Maybe he was born there and spent a few years there as a child, but he was really from Kanto. He lived in two worlds, his body and his heart. Ash couldn't live in two worlds. He had to choose one, and he had to listen to his heart.
"Mom, I love you. I really do, but you have to get me out of here. Please Mom, pull the Hopenol out of me." Ash said. "I… I'm not sure if I can." She said. "Please. I need you to do this for me. I don't belong here. Please." She had to think for a moment. Her son was asking for her to send him back into a coma, mere weeks before death. "Ash, Honey, I…" She paused for a moment. She smiled and a tear ran down her face. "I'm there with you?" She said. "Yeah. You live with me in Pallet Town." "Just remember that I love you. Hug me when you get back. I'd give anything just to feel you hug me again." "I will, Mom." Ash said.
Delia kissed her son on the forehead before grabbing the IV full of Hopenol off of his wheelchair. She pulled the needle out of him. "You should have about five minutes left." Delia said. His eyes became heavy. His world became numb. "Thank you, Mom. This really means a lot to me." She gave him a warm smile. "I don't care either way where you go, this world or yours. You'll always be my son, no matter what."
Ash lost his energy. His three fingers that he normally used for wheelchair control fell limp. "Goodnight, Mom." "Goodnight, Ash. I love you." "I love you too, Mom…" He trailed off back into his coma. Or was his real life just an illusion?
Ash awakened. He was in a cold, dark field. All of the grass had withered and turned gray. He was in the boundary between one world and another. All he had to do was figure out how to rebuild what was lost. "Let's see… First I need that thing… What did Dad call it? Oh! A phylactery." A voice called out from behind him. "Did someone say 'phylactery'?"
Ash felt feeling return to his body. He could move his limbs again. The tubes in his body were gone. He got up, walked, and even ran. He had no idea where he was running, just happy that he could run. As Ash celebrated the return to his world, he heard the voice again. "Ash! Over here! It's me, your friend, your phylactery!" Ash turned around. It was Pikachu. He materialized in front of Ash, his body fully intact. It was like the Hopenols never killed him. "Pikachu!" He ran over to hug his pokemon. "Oh man, I am glad to see you." Ash said. "Oh, me too. Thanks for coming back, Ash. I thought I'd never see you again." Pikachu said. Ash cocked his head. "You can talk now?" Pikachu nodded. "Your mind is accepting it, right?" He said. Ash wasn't sure how this was possible, but went along with it. He was mostly glad to have his friend back.
Once Ash was done, he looked up at the sky. "You want back, don't you?" Pikachu said. "Yeah." Ash said. "I can take you there, Ash. Just follow me!" Pikachu said. He led Ash down a road through The Boundary Lands. As Ash followed, he remembered his Mom. "I'm coming, Mom. I promise." He said.
-o0o-
Ambivalence
-o0o-
I know I dragged you down with me
Right down into my hell, I pulled you under with my hope
Into my pit of misery
But life, it's surging through your heart
Your body aches and moans and I always hear it
And I can see it fall apart
I wish that I could turn time back
Go back with you to before this nightmare all began
Back before all of this went bad
To me, you'll never truly stay
You could be in heaven or hell, but you'll never be far
I don't think I care either way
And now I have to say goodbye
I don't care either way if it kills us both right now
Don't care if I live or die
May warm ambivalence light your way
May your heart find its home somewhere with someone special
And I'll see you again someday