"How are you and the cradle robber holding up?" Ibrahim says by way of greeting.
He sits himself down in the seat in front of me and I almost laugh at how out of place he looks in the dinner I so often find myself at. With his blue pin striped suit, large fur lined winter coat, sturdy cane, exaggerated—but neat—goatee, and dark glossy hair, it's obvious he isn't exactly a diner regular. The glimmering gold jewelry on his fingers, wrists, around his neck, and pierced to his ears wasn't exactly helping either.
I would have laughed but I'm dreading why, seven years after we made the deal, he suddenly called to remind me to uphold my end of doing whatever favor he asks of me.
"Is that why you called? To ask questions about my life that you have no part in?"
He gestured after a moment that I made a good point, especially considering he wasn't one to beat around the bush. There was a heartbeat of silence while he waited to see if I would answer. Deciding to play nice and be the bigger, better person, I answered his rude question any way.
"Dimitri is just fine," I tell him simply. I surprised when he looks as if he'd waiting for me to elaborate but when he sees I'm not going to he rolls his eyes in an irritated gesture.
"Is that all?"
"Why did you call me here?" I asks instead of answering his question.
He checks the shiny gold watch on his wrist and then pulls out his phone, reading, and then punching something in before looking up me, resting both hands on his cane in front of him.
"I'll get to that in a moment. We're waiting for someone else to join us."
"Who?"
"You'll see in a few moments. So in the mean time don't be so difficult. Humor me," he requests, implying I should answer his earlier question in more detail. "What has my darling daughter been up to?"
Similar to how he'd done minutes before, I rolled my eyes.
"Consider this part of the favor," he added a little more sternly. He obviously, as a lawyer, took his deals very seriously and I felt my stomach sink even further into the same deep pit of fear I've had since he called me last night. "How are the night classes at Missoula Community College? The baby? Work at the studio and the diner? Lissa's job at the café?"
I leaned back in my chair, feeling the skepticism creep onto my face. "How do you know-"
He waved my unfinished question away. "Did you honestly think I wouldn't keep tabs on you?" he asks as though I am stupid for not considering the fact that the father who abandoned me as a baby might keep tabs on me after so many years.
I look at him incredulously. "Kind of."
"If I didn't keep tabs on you, how would I know where to collect for my favor?" he said simply, immediately dismissing the notion I almost started to form in my head that he might care about me.
"True," I reasoned, not at all bothered by his honesty. In some ways, I was grateful for it. His bluntness is the only reason we made as far as we did at the trial and, in some ways, I probably wouldn't be here now if it weren't for him. I sipped my coffee before cradling it between my hands. "Well if you keep tabs I guess there's no need for me to humor you."
He looked none too pleased by this. He glanced at his phone once more, punching in a few words before he asked another question.
"I thought you intended to move yourself as far away from The Land of the Shining Mountains as you could manage?"
Despite my unwillingness to play along, I almost felt the need to defend my reasons for staying in Montana.
I did. I did want to leave. I wanted to escape. Lissa and I both did. I wanted to move somewhere where I could lose myself in the city and no one would know me. After sitting down together the night before graduation, Lissa and I made some serious decisions and made a number of realizations:
Lissa and I didn't have nearly enough money—barely any, even with the offers of help from friends—to make such a big move, especially with the baby.
We found our own family and we're not exactly ready to let it go so easily just because we feel the occasional need to run away.
Lissa realized how much Christian means to her even if she isn't exactly ready for a serious relationship yet and they've talked about taking things slow and Christian being willing to wait.
Regardless of our occasional urge to run, Montana is our home and what we're familiar with.
After two years of therapy, I realized that running away from the nightmare wouldn't make it better. In fact, it'd make it worse. This doesn't mean I plan on staying here forever. In fact, with every day I'm becoming a little more optimistic about my future. For the moment, I needed to accept that I can't make my getaway.
Dimitri. I can't even imagine moving so far away from him. As a matter of fact, I had a bit of a panic attack in therapy when it was brought up. As independent as I've become, Dimitri is one of my many weak spots and it'd be unbearable without him so close.
We're not ready to make it on our own just yet but when we feel the time is right, we'll always have the chance to move out on our own if we want to because there's nothing or no one to stop us. We're in control of our lives despite the ordeal we've lived through.
So, that night before graduation, we decided it'd be best to stay close to the one place where we have the most family and received more love now than we know what to do with. We both knew we didn't want to stay in my mother's house in the small town we'd grown up in. We at least figured we could manage a move into the city Missoula where we'd still be near by to the Belikovs but lost in a bit of the city crowd.
Olena offered to let us live with her and the family in her house but we knew it was crowded enough there. Adding a baby and two lost teenagers wouldn't make anyone happy and she still lived a little closer to the small town than we liked. We stayed with them for a few weeks while we apartment hunted, leaving my mother's house behind because of the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and abandonment it invoked in us long after the trial ended. We found a small apartment on the edge of the city in one of the more urban neighborhoods. It's not our ideal setting but it's been pretty okay for a while now, despite some space issues, and within budget.
Unlike Lissa, I hadn't applied to any of the local colleges so it took almost a year before I was able to apply to school and attend. During those few months without school, I juggled therapy, working at Dimitri's studio as well as a near by diner for extra cash since there was only so much Dimitri could pay me no matter how much he wanted to help, and helping Liss with the baby while she went to a few classes and worked at a café.
But Ibrahim didn't need to know all that and I want this little get together to end as quickly as possible so I just shrugged. "It's complicated."
Again, he looked none pleased, knowing there was more to the story but if he was so good at keeping tabs, he didn't need—and wasn't going to—get the details from me. This time he let the subject of how I was doing drop and I was grateful for it. Despite all he'd done for me as a lawyer, as a father he doesn't deserve to know how I was doing, that I'm actually happy in my life.
I am actually excited about school where I get to choose which classes I want to take along with the few classes I need to take for general education. I like being in control of when or if I go to class and which classes interest me. On the advice of Dimitri, I even joined a couple of clubs to make sure I'm not too isolated from my classmates and that I make a few friends. It was difficult at first but I met a couple of people, some who've heard about what happened to me and some who haven't, that give some semblance of normal.
I'm happy I have a family that calls me every couple of days just to see how I'm doing. Olena and Yeva call nearly every Sunday morning requesting that we joining the weekly family Sunday dinner after church and there hasn't been a weekend that has passed yet where Lissa and I have turned them down.
I'm in love with a man who has had to deal with me while I went through some of the worst days of my life, through the ups and downs I had while in therapy, through the nightmares, through the horrible memory triggers that he sometimes set off by just touching me. He's had to keep his distance at times, more than willing to give me space whenever I needed it, and provide excess love and attention when I wanted. He's had to deal with my low self esteem and fears about the future. Yet, he's been with me, stuck by me, through all of it. He tells me everyday that he's fallen for me even more than the day before. I couldn't ask for a better life. This may not be ideal for some people but for me, right now, it's perfection.
Ibrahim checks his phone again and then exhales slowly as he tucks it back into his coat pocket.
"This is going to be interesting, I'm sure," he mutters to himself by loud enough or me to hear.
"What is?"
He answers my question without another question. "We had a deal. Do you still intend to keep it?"
"If I don't?" I ask out of curiosity. I wondered a couple of times he was ever going to call on me for whatever favor he might need. I'm still having trouble imaging there being something I could do that would benefit him.
"Whether you choose to do it has less affect on me than it does on you."
"Meaning..."
"Just keep an open mind and think of how it might affect your life should you choose not to agree to my favor," he instructs me.
I was hoping that the favor would be just meeting him here but no such luck.
I follow to where he looks over his shoulder to the door of the diner where my mother walks in. I imagine countless times what she might look like if I were to ever see her again; worn down, tired, and ready to collapse with guilt are what I've imagined. The bright eyed, bushy tailed, healthy looking woman with only an ounce of worry on her face isn't someone I expected to see standing in front of me with an anxious smile on her face.
I wonder if I looked any different than when she last saw me. I wonder if she spent time thinking about me and how I was while she was gone, imagining what I might look like if she ever decided to come back and face me.
"What exactly are you asking of me?"
"I'm asking you to consider hearing your mother out and allowing her back into your life."
"And how is this a favor to you?"
Silence. He visibly swallowed before clearing his throat and standing with the sturdy assistance of his cane. "I'd like to see the both of you together as a family again," he says through a low voice, strained as if it was something very difficult for him to say.
"Why? Is it so you can rest easy knowing the family you abandoned isn't suffering without you? Ease your own conscious?" I was making a scene, a very loud scene. The clank and clatter of the diner quieted as everyone turned to see what all the commotion was about. I used to come to this diner a lot because it was small and cozy but I guess I won't be showing my face here any time soon.
"I thought therapy was supposed to make you less hostile," the muttered under his breath but loud enough for me to catch.
"That's true but I also learned that it's my choice whether I forgive her or not." I stand up from my breath, tugging my coat back on. "I choose not to."
My mother speaks up for the first time since she walked into the diner. "Rose-" she started but the look I gave her silenced her immediately.
"We had a deal," Ibrahim tried to argue.
"And according to you the deal was that I consider allowing her back into my life. I considered it. The answer is no."
My mother steps back as though I've slapped her in the face. Well it serves her right because that's what her abandonment was to me: a slap on the face. Ibrahim left when I was baby so there was no emotional attachment except for the occasional longing and wondering what it might be like to have a dad like all the other kids I grew up with. My mother was someone I thought I could count on to love and protect me and she did a good job for a while but when the going got tough she couldn't' handle it, leaving me all alone.
"Well I can't say I didn't expect this," Ibrahim sighed standing. "Despite what you may think, I genuinely am concerned about the well being of you and your mother."
"I find that hard to believe," I mutter.
"Would I have kept tabs on both of you if I didn't? Would I have asked your mother for more pictures and stories about you as you were growing up?"
I shifted my angry gaze to my mother who at least had the nerve to hang her head in shame.
"So I was right. Whenever you took off for a few days and left me with grandma, you were with him. The two of you, a cute little family that didn't have to worry about their kid," I accused.
It all made sense now. All the years I was growing up and she took off, I always thought she was meeting with my father. Somehow knowing the truth, that they were together somewhere without me, leaving behind, still hurt.
"It wasn't like that, Rose."
"Then how was it, mom? Hmm? Did you both sit around pretending you didn't have a daughter? Would you have still been together if I wasn't born?"
My mother held her hands out as if to calm me but she didn't reach for me. All the times I wanted to fall into her arms and cry while she held me the way she used to when I was a baby...now I just want her away from me, as far as possible.
I turned to Ibrahim. "And if you were so interested then why did you leave?! Why not just come back and see for yourself how your daughter was doing?"
He looked as if he'd asked himself this same questions over and over again. When I started thinking he wasn't ever going to answer, he finally spoke.
"Appearances can be deceiving. I'm not father, husband, or man of the year. I walked out on my family, I know that. And it wasn't until seven years ago that I saw the impact my leaving had on the both of you, what might not have happened had I stayed. I am trying to right a few wrongs in my life and move on from them, and this is one of them."
"It took some sort of epiphany to tell you that abandoning your family is wrong?" I asked, anger building inside me. I'm more than ready to leave. I've been dealing with my own demons these last few years. The last thing I need is to help him deal with his.
Before he could answer my mother spoke. "Please just...sit for a second. Just a moment and we can explain. Just a moment," she added when she saw that I was leaning towards the exits.
Despite my desire to escape, I had to hear this. I needed a few answers even if I wasn't ready to believe them. I slowly eased myself down across from where they sat themselves. The other diner patrons had returned to their meals, deciding that whatever ruckus I had caused before was over now that we were sitting down again.
They shared a quick glance where it was decided my mother would be the one to do all the talking. She took a deep shaky breath and then started.
"You know we had you when we were both pretty young. We were scared, didn't know what to do with a baby, your father was trying to make a career for himself and I was scared I was holding him back...that we were holding him back. That's what we used to argue about the most when we weren't shouting at each other about money or my mother or how many hours we were working or…"
"Me," I guessed when her voice trailed off.
"We didn't blame you or take it out on you," she tried quickly to assure me but I shook my head.
"But you did take it out on me...by leaving me alone."
Her eyes glistened but she blinked away any potential tears.
"It was never our intention to hurt you," Ibrahim said, finally speaking up. "Believe me, I know that our young age and inexperience are poor excuses for our behavior but it's the truth."
I could feel my own throat tightening, my eyes forming a few tears of their own but I did my best to hold them at bay as I asked,"So you left because you were young and you wanted a career? It was too hard having a family? You regretted the mistake that was born-"
"We never thought of you as a mistake," he interrupts calmly. I realize that this is the longest conversation we've had where he wasn't so sarcastic or generally rude. He's telling the truth.
"Your mother and I kept in contact over the years, even after I left."
"Parents never stop caring about or loving each other," my mother tells me gently. "We just...couldn't be together without arguing. We decided to meet up once just to catch up and then it ended up becoming once a month," she explained. "We talked about all the things we should have done as parents, the choices we made, you…" The apologetic, guilt filled look in her eyes softened even more. "We made mistakes but you weren't one of them."
After so many years wondering and worrying, that's nice to hear out loud from my parents' mouths for the first time. Instead of saying anything I just nod, letting them know I've heard.
"I left for selfish reasons that had nothing to do with you. It was between your mother and I and had nothing to do with you," he repeats.
"And you left this time because you were scared," I say to my mother, my earlier bitterness completely faded into a numbing calm. I just want answers.
"Something like that," she murmurs to herself. "It was mostly guilt. I felt like everything my mother, your grandma, predicted about me was right. I didn't protect you the way I was supposed to. I couldn't stop those bastards from hurting you. I was flighty and unreliable as a mother. So I left. I reasoned it was the best thing I could do for you. I ended up meeting Abe again and I asked him to help you. It was the only thing I could think to do. I meant to come back but I just...I didn't," she says simply. The tremble in her voice lets me know it wasn't as easy as I imagined it was for her.
None of this was easy for any of us.
This entire ordeal was trying and exhausting and frightening.
Looking at the two people sitting in front of me, my parents, I realize this is the first time I've had both of them sitting in front of me together like this. They look mismatched as couple, appearance wise but there is something there...small movements where they lean toward each other or share quick glances before both looking at me. They do love each other. But it hadn't been enough to keep us together as a family. But maybe this was the chance to fix things, get things right or at least get things to some semblance of normal.
"You know what? You two want to live your lives together, easily capable of abandoning the daughter that needed you, because you two needed space and you were young and didn't know what to do. And as much as I hate it, I can kind of understand." I didn't miss the quick waves of relief that washed over their expressions as they nodded.
"Thank you," she murmured reaching across the table.
She inched her hand slowly across the table toward my hand. I almost let her. At the last second I pulled away. There was a flash of hurt across my mother's face but she did her best to recover and hide it. Hopefully she was doing a bit of understanding of her own and know that I'm not ready for her to be that close again yet.
"We never meant to intentionally hurt you. It's not an excuse. Just the truth."
After a moment I nodded.
"I know. And, like I said before, I understand. Or at least I'm trying to. But I need you guys to do the same thing for me and try to understand that I may never completely accept either of you into my life."
Another wave of emotion on my mother's face, Ibrahim's impassive.
"At the very least it'll take some time for me to think about...everything. You guys needed space and all this time on your own to deal with all this crap. Well, now I need the same thing."
My mother nodded like a bobblehead. Her curls, shorter than I remember, bounced and bobbed up and down with the movement and I realized how young my mother really is. At least in comparison with most mothers.
"Okay," she murmurs. "I...we...understand."
Knowing that if I sat here another minute, I might forgive her right then and there, I stood up from the table and tossed a few dollars down to pay for my coffee before leaving the diner as fast as my legs could carry me.
I'm not exactly proud of this little moment, that it feels like I'm still running away from my problems. A small part of me knows that Ibrahim is right; I should at least listen because there is a part of me that will always want my mother back, the fierce loving mother who didn't hesitate in trying to protect and comfort me.
But the part of me that's hurt, the reminder of how lost and lonely I felt sleeping in the big house by myself is telling that part of me—the part of me leaning toward a quick and swift forgiveness by storming back into the diner and throwing my arms around her in a hug—to shut up and just keep running away for a little while.
The second I walked into the apartment I face planted myself onto the couch.
I wish I'd face planted onto my bed but I was just too worn out to make those few extra steps to my room.
"Tough day?" Lissa whispered from where she was tucking Andy in on the other couch he was sleeping soundly on. I was surprised he was sleeping at all. That kid was fifty pounds and fortyeight inches if energy, it was rare anyone could get him to nap, especially now that he was seven years old.
A day before her birthday in mid July, Lissa want into labor. A few hours past midnight, on her birthday, she gave birth to Andre Dragomir. I still laugh at the memory of the chaos of that day.
Lissa had been at the Belikov house when her water broke but only Viktoria and the kids had been home. Viktoria only had her permit and Dimitri had yet to spend much time giving her driving lessons but it didn't stop her from getting behind the wheel of the family many van, strapping the kids and Lissa in the car, and speeding down the highway to the hospital. She had to double back to the house three times because she kept forgetting Paul, Zoya, and Liss. Stan had been in the area that day and was about to pull over and write a ticket for the minivan that was swerving in all lanes. When Viktoria explained what was happening he lead the way, clearing the road with is police siren in front of them.
Christian had been in one of his summer classes and almost started a fire in his haste to leave quick enough to make it to the hospital on time. He'd taken my spot as Lissa's lamaze coach over the last weeks of her pregnancy. He made it to the hospital still wearing his student chef hat, apron, and oven mitts.
Dimitri and I had been swimming at one of the nearby lakes, showing up to hospital in swim wear and flipflops.
Needless to say, it had been a long, exhausting two days of labor. After Andre was finally born and Lissa held him in her arms, she looked more scared than I'd ever seen her. Her fear dissolved into happy, exhausted tears as our family surrounded the hospital bed and the baby she was cradling in her arms. The baby was passed around to everyone and finally ended up with me. I'd never held a baby before and Olena cooed that it was cute how Dimitri had to teach me how to hold the delicate little guy without hurting him. Andre released his first couple of wails in my arms and I was ready to handing him back to Lissa but somehow throughout the night. If fact, he cried every time I held him. Somehow though, he ended up sleeping in my arms as I dozed in the chair beside Lissa's hospital bed where she was catching up on some much needed sleep before we took the baby home in a couple of days.
"Pretty amazing, huh?" Dimitri whispered beside me, stroking my hair out of my face while we both looked down on the pure, innocent sleeping baby face in my arms.
"He's so tiny," I murmured, brushing his little fingers under my own. "He's lucky."
"Why?"
"He is blissfully anywhere of everything that's happened. He has no worries, no fears. His biggest problem is having a wet diaper."
Dimitri hummed his agreement. "He's also lucky that he gets a cool, awesome godmother to help him out when he does have problems," he says, reminding me of how I'd told him I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mother but I did want to be a gift giving godmother to Lissa's kids.
"I am pretty cool, aren't I."
Dimitri smiled, kissing the top of my head.
"Yes, Roza, you're pretty cool."
The Belikovs were great about helping us with Andre and teaching us everything we might need to know once we were really on our own. But on top of all of that, they made it their life's mission to remind us that they were always here for us when we needed them.
Lissa and I fell into our own routine once we had our own apartment. We alternated taking care of Andy when he decided not to sleep through the night so one of us could sleep a little before starting the work day. Lissa went to class in the morning and work at the cafe in the afternoon. I took Andy with me to Dimitri's studio, an advantage of the owner being my boyfriend while I still helped out with the office work. It was also a plus that Dimitri was a magician with babies and knew how to calm them down, get them to eat, make them laugh or rock them to sleep. Much to my amusement, he and Christian even taught some of their classes with Andy strapped into a baby carrier to their chests.
At night, I went to my class and then the late shift at the diner.
As the years went by and Andry grew old enough to go to school, Liss was able to take on a few more classes and a few more working hours since Yeva offered to watch him after school with Zoya now that Paul was much older. Although she'd been sad when she realized it'd take her a few more years to get any kind of degree, Lissa was just happy she was even able to go to school. I managed to squeeze in a few more classes but without really knowing what I wanted to do, I was still kind of drifting through school and spending more time working than anything.
It wasn't until the baby was a couple of months old that I realized no one brought up the fact that he was a product of what Adrian had done or that it was his baby in any way. Andre's appearance mirrored that of the Dragomir's and the brother he was named after. It didn't matter that Adrian was the catalyst to it all.
All that mattered now was that we were healing. We made our own family from the ruins and remnants of our old lives. The only question now was whether I wanted to welcome my mother into this new life I'd created for myself.
"It could've been better," I grumbled in response to Lissa's question, my voice muffled by the couch cushions. I sat up and with a heavy sigh I told her about Ibrahim and my mother.
"Wow," she exhaled when I finished telling her everything. "Did you ask why it took so long for her, and Ibrahim, to come back at all? I mean...it's been seven years."
I shook my head. "I was going to but after hearing everything they wanted to say I was too exhausted and felt a headache coming on. I just told them I'd think about things for a while." I sat up on the couch, wanting to ask Lissa a question that use to bother her when anyone brought it up. "If it were your parents…" I start.
Liss stiffens but relaxes, knowing I'm not trying to prod old wounds. She runs her hands through her hair and glances at her napping son.
"Honest answer? I probably wouldn't let them back in. There's too much damage done, too much has been said. It would be too difficult to forget. Things are okay as they are now. Why change that or risk ruining things? I know all of that group therapy and stuff was about healing and forgiving but there's somethings…"
"Somethings you just can't forgive," I finish.
That's the same thought that's been running through my head since I left the diner.
"It's your choice though, to forgive them," she reminds me and I nodded, smiling as that was the same thing I've been telling myself all day. It's my choice.
"I know."
"Do you know what you're going to do?"
"Nope."
I sigh and then face plant myself down onto the couch again, knowing I have to be at the diner in less than an hour for a double shift. "He looks exhausted," I say nodding towards Andy's gently snoring form.
Liss runs a hand through his hair, smiling. "Christian and I took him to that Carnival near his school and he convinced Tasha to buy him anything that had sugar in it. It took him a while to come down from the sugar rush but when I told him we'd take him to see that kid's movie tomorrow if he took a nap today, he went right to sleep."
Tasha was a sucker for spoiling the kids, especially Andy since she predicted he'd be her nephew one day whenever Liss and Christian decided to get married.
I was relieved when I realized there had never been an awkward moment with Dimitri, Tasha and I. In fact she often joked about the potential love triangle she almost started. She'd helped Lissa and I out a lot but she was also a notorious party animal whenever she had the chance too and would often try to convince Lissa and I to go out dancing or to some bar with her. We went a couple of times, to get over the fear we'd formed about crowded spaces with leering, drunk guys and it had actually been fun but I still prefer to spend my free time alone with Dimitri.
Lissa and Chris have been serious for a couple of years now. Christian had been working as head chef at a local restaurant but is still thinking about opening his own restaurant. Lissa is already in graduate school, aiming for a career in law. I thought of how fitting it would be if Ibrahim was around to help her out but quickly shook the thought away, still uncertain about their place in my life.
Tasha started dating Stan's partner Mark who she'd bumped into at a bar once and Stan and Sonya got married a couple of years ago, living in a house not to far away from her mother's. They had two kids and were expecting a third, expanding our family, and making it more of a challenge whenever we had sunday dinners.
It felt like the shattered puzzle that was our lives was finally falling into place.
Does that mean I can't add any new pieces to our picture perfect family?
"I hate to add to everything you have on your plate but have you thought any more about our apartment situation?" she asks, bring up the conversations we'd been having about this apartment not being big enough any more. Lissa and Andy used to share her room while I took the other one but with Andy's toys and belongings everywhere I decided to make the ultimate sacrifice for personal space and give up my room to him but it was still difficult with three people sharing one bathroom, a small kitchen, textbooks, toys and clothes strew everywhere. It was also almost avoidable waking up one morning and finding a half dressed Lissa and Christian in the kitchen while Andy was sleeping over a friend's house and they'd forgotten I was here. There was an ever more awkward morning when Dimitri and I both walked in on them.
Needless to say, a change needed to be made.
"These are our options: We get a bigger place for the three of us but, unless we work out a schedule of some sort for you and Christian to have sex, that doesn't fix the problem of me walking in on you and Christian situation," I point out.
Lissa's face reddens as I laugh.
"Or…?" Lissa prods, still blushing.
"Or...you and the little monster over there finally move in with Christian," I answer. They'd been talking about it for a while but Lissa was always hesitant out of fear of moving too fast and because she didn't want me to feel like she was leaving me behind. "You and Andy spend most of your time over there anyway, half of your guy's stuff is over there, his place is bigger, and you guys are crazy in love with each other and Andy." I leaned far enough to grab a hold of Liss's hand in both of my own. "I love you and that little guy over there more than I can describe but...I'm asking you for a divorce," I joke, eliciting a laugh from her. "You can keep the kid and I'll get my own bathroom! I expect alimony in the form of fancy meals anytime I'm over there though."
She laugh through the tears spilling over in her eyes.
"Besides, let's be real here. We all know you guys are going to get married someday so you may as well start the beginning of the rest of your live now," I reasoned.
I was glad to see that she was grinning, excited at the idea of it all. One of the biggest difference between Liss and I was that she was always looking long term at life while I was just trying to survive until the next moment, day by day.
She and Christian were a match made in heaven, total opposites in personality that filled each other in one what they were missing.
"What if Andy's not ready for that?" she asks, her excitement fading for a moment.
I gave her a sardonic look that elicited a nervous laugh from her. "Dude, he invited Christian to that father son event at school, they celebrate father's day together, and Christian took him to the restaurant on Take Your Kid To Work Day. I think he'll be okay with it."
"We can be one of those couples that shops for house decorations!" Liss exclaims excitedly at lunch a few days later.
"I thought you said you'd never be one of those couples, that you were always going to be one of those cool, nightlife couples," Dimitri teased both Lissa and Christian.
"Decoration shopping is cool in it's own way," Christian countered dryly. "We get to choose between cerulean blue or majorelle blue for Andy's room. Whatever happened to just blue blue?" he asks Lissa, wrapping an arm on the back of her chair while she focusedly flipped through painting magazines.
"There are lots of blues but we need to find the perfect blue for Andy's room and then green for the living room…" she trailed off into a list of other colors for all the other rooms in Christian's apartment. She was in Lissa Mode, focused on getting the task at hand done as close to perfect as possible. It was a side of her I hadn't seen for a long time and I was glad it was back. "There is also Carolina blue, dodger blue, iris blue...there isn't just one blue! That's like saying there's one type of cake."
"Blasphemy!" Christian countered. "Don't even get me started on the different cakes there are."
"Please don't get him started," Dimitri and I said in unison. Lissa laughed, rolling her eyes as she continued flipping through the magazine.
"Look how high I can go!" Andy called from the kids play area a few feet from where we were sitting. All blonde hair, one dimple similar to the one Liss, Andre, and their father had, and stunning smile that melted the heart of even his strict teacher, Andy waved from where he'd climbed to the top of the jungle gym, dangling near the edge. The four of us waved back.
"Be careful!" Lissa warned. Andy waved her worries away much to the amusement of Christian. Lissa shot him the most intense of squinty eyed scowls and he laughed harder. "You do worry a lot. He's fine. I only broke my arms and legs...five or six times as a kid," Christian shrugged.
"Rose was even worse than that," Lissa replied reminding me of my tomboy phase when I had a new bandage or cast every few days before I found my girlie side.
"Ivan and I were just as bad," Dimitri added. "My mother said we were in the hospital so often we had our own rooms reserved there."
We laughed as Andy called down to us again.
"Uncle Dimka can you reach this high?" he shouted. He was always challenging Dimitri's height any chance he had because of how amazingly tall my boyfriend was.
"I bet I can," Dimitri responded, kissing my cheek before standing to go play with his adopted nephew.
"Speaking of cake, I was thinking we could have our welcome party and Andy's birthday together," Liss suggested while we watched Dimitri easily touch the top of the jungle gym without even the slightest amount of effort. He easily flipped and spun Andy around in his arms and over his shoulder hauling him from end of the jungle gym to the other at the little guy's request. Andy's laughter mixed with the few other kids playing outside.
"That sounds like a good idea. You do realize it's your birthday too right?" I asked.
Lissa often only planned as far as Andy's birthday and didn't do much for her own besides the usual sunday dinner with the family. "We should do something for your birthday too."
"Like what?"
"Like...how about Dimitri and I babysit Andy and you and Christian get a rare night to yourselves?" I suggest.
Lissa was great at being a mother and she loved every moment of it but I knew that she also cherishe a few moments where she was just Lissa, a girl in love with the guy who was better than the one in her dreams, for a few hours.
"That sounds like fun," she and Christian spoke at the same time before sharing a kiss...that formed into something more than a kiss, a little past making out-
"Whoa! What happened to keeping things g rated?" Dimitri asked coming back from playing with Andy who was running amok with some of the other kids on the gym now.
"You're right. There are kids here," Lissa said blushing.
"Forget the kids. The adults don't wanna see that either," Dimitri muttered.
Christian laughed tossing a wet napkin at him while Lissa blushed and laughed.
"We've walked on you and Rose having your fair share of makeouts," Christian reminded us.
"Don't remind me," I said, everyone laughing again.
"Hey Aunt Rose! Come here!" Andy commanded.
"Please?" Lissa asked, reminding him about politeness and manners.
"Please what?" Andy asked confused.
It was obviously my turn on the jungle gym with him, everyone else having already gone at least once. I could hear Lissa and Christian filling Dimitri in on my offer that we babysit as I made my way to Andy.
"Aunt Rose!" He continued to shout even though I was less than a few inches away from him now.
I leaned forward on the rail of the play gym, my smile matching that of this grinning happy little boy, one of the few good things to come out of so much bad.
"Climb up here with me!"
"I don't think I can buddy. I'm a little too big," I laughed imagining myself squeezing into this gym the same way I did at Mcdonald's a few weeks ago and ended up getting stuck until Dimitri could tug me out.
"Remember when we climbed the trees at the lake?"
I nodded, thinking back to one of our many little trips to the lake over the summer.
"It's just like that, Aunt Rose! You can do it!" he encouraged.
"Why are you so loud, little man?" I laughed deciding to try to hoist myself up. Anything to appease the little guy.
After a few fumbles I finally made it up to the top with him. We played tag for a few minutes before settling down near the rock climbing side of the gym, our feet dangling as we enjoyed a couple of ice creams we bought a few moments before.
"So you and your mommy are moving in with Christian, huh?" I asked, curious about how he was taking all of this.
He nodded, inadvertently dipping his chin into his chocolate cone.
"Are you excited?"
"Mmmhmm!" He answered excitedly before his smile fell completely. "But...I'm going to miss you, Aunt Rose. We're not going to be together all the time anymore."
I swear they taught these kids the methods of adorableness, and how to make one's heart melt, in school these days.
I wrapped my free arm around him, hugging him close. "We'll still see each other all the time. We have sunday dinner's together, you'll still come over to sleep at my house when your mommy and Christian go out."
"Won't you be sad being alone?" He asked, turning those huge green orbs up at me. "Why don't you just come with mommy and me to Christian's house!" he suggested, grinning broad and open mouthed at the idea.
"I think that kind of defeats the purpose, bud," I laughed. "I'll miss you but I won't be too sad because I know I'll still see you all the time. And when you move in with Christian you get a bigger bedroom and I get my bedroom back," I teased squeezing him close.
He smiled and seemed to relax a little at the thought that I'd be sad. Honestly, I'll miss the noise and knowing that there will be someone there when I get home but I've been on my own before for those days my mother wasn't there. I think I'll be alright.
"Will Uncle Dimka keep you company?"
"Yup," I replied, grinning. I'd almost forgotten that Dimitri and I might have more opportunities to be alone and that we wouldn't always have to go to his place.
"Will he keep you safe?"
"I sure hope so. He's a pretty big guy. If he can't keep me safe, then I don't know who can."
"How come you and Uncle Dimka don't live together?"
I opened my mouth to answer but realised I didn't have one. I thought about it but I wasn't sure if Dimitri thought about it too. We've been together a little longer than Christian and Lissa but, I don't know, we never spent as much time thinking about or talking about the long term future as they did.
"That's a good question," Dimitri said, appearing in front of us. He answered Andy's question but was looking straight at me.
"You want to move in together?" I asked nervously.
"Yeah!" Andy shouted. "That way you can be with Aunt Rose all the time and take care of her when I'm not there."
We laughed at his suggestion but I realized Dimitri was serious. Why weren't we talking about living together?
"You know, your aunt Rose takes care of herself pretty well. You think she'll let me move in and take care of her a bit?" Dimitri asked, whispering conspiratorially with Andy.
Andy's head bobbed enthusiastically up and down.
He tugged on my sleeve. "Live with uncle Dimka, Aunt Rose! He is your boyfriend" he always said the word like it was gross and made him laugh. The funny thing is that I'm sure he'll win the hearts of pretty of girls when he's older.
"Do you wanna live with me?" Dimitri asked, Dimitri asked with with a nervous looking Dimitri asked looking a Dimitri asked looking a bit worried that that I that I was hesitating. "I know I said snore sometimes," he reluctantly admits. "I'm a bit of a bed hog, and you hate when I leave the cap off the toothpaste," he lists, reminding me of all the times I teased teased and tormented him for his habits habits that habits that I thought were actually kind kind of cute and that I'd grown used to over the years whenever we spent the night together. The best part was his bed hogging which was actually hogging cuddling so close to me that I had to kick the blanket off because of the excess heat.
Dimitri has given me so much over the years . He's been patiently by my side every step of the way, often the only reason I was still standing, holding me to keep me from collapsing under the weight of...everything. I couldn't ask for a better man to finally give myself to. It's another step forward and it's something I want to do not just for Dimitri or myself individually but for both of us together.
Unlike Lissa, I haven't been ready to have sex. Dont get me wrong. There have been plenty of times where we've come close before Dimitri stops us or I pull away as I start reliving some of the nightmarish memories. When I talked about it in therapy, the therapist said it's different for everyone when they know they're ready. And amazingly, but not unsurprisingly, Dimitri hasn't said a word about it except to remind me that he's not dating me for my body and that he loves me no matter what. I do think know how long it will be before I'm ready but the least I can do is give him a little part of myself I've still been holding off on. It'll be good for both me and him.
At the smile forming on my face Dimitri grins, Expecting my answer.
"Let's do it," I answer enthusiastically. "We're always together anyway. The major difference is that we'll be saving each other money on rent," I joked.
Dimitri grinned and leaned forward, asking for a kiss.