A/N: Another long chapter, enjoy!
One month later, November, day before Thanksgiving…
Alex sat on the edge of the bathtub with a small box in her hands. Casey was bathing Caroline and Alex was hiding out in their bathroom preparing for tomorrow morning. Opening the ring box she looks at the beautiful ring she plans to give Casey in the morning.
It's a stunning three-stone engagement ring the center stone being a 2 carat diamond with two deep blue sapphires on either side of the diamond wrapped with a halo of pave-set diamonds all set in a platinum band. The ring was as gorgeous as Casey and Alex knew she would love it. At the beginning of her month long suspension she spent a week looking through all of New York's finest jewelry stores and not being able to find what she wanted had this ring made for Casey. The jewelers unexpectedly finished the ring a week early and while picking it two days ago Alex got the genius idea of how to propose. She was going to put the ring inside of a Christmas ornament and give the ornament to Casey as a present to add to the Christmas tree.
Removing the ring from the box, she picked up the special ornament and twisted opened it tucking the ring safe inside. Wrapping the ornament she stands and walks into the bedroom tucking the present in the nightstand drawer. Casey and Owen have a tradition of decorating the Christmas tree after the Macy's Day parade so she will give Casey the ornament in the morning when they wake up. That way they can still have their private moment and she can hang the ornament on the tree later as a keepsake of their engagement. She can't wait to make Casey Novak her wife.
The Next Morning...
Alex wakes up at 5am. She is buzzing with so much excitement about proposing that she can't sleep. While she waits for the sun to at least start to rise she watches her beautiful girlfriend sleep. Never in her wildest dreams would she have imagined meeting someone as perfect as Casey.
The redhead was sweet and caring, had an amazing sense of humor and an incredible laugh, and she had the ability to put Alex in her place when needed, not to mention she had the cutest four year old alive. As far as the blonde was concerned Casey Novak was her perfect match and she couldn't wait to make the redhead her wife. Hopefully this time next year they would be a legitimate family.
Finally, 6am arrived and Alex couldn't wait any longer. Pushing Casey's red hair away from her neck, Alex began to wake Casey by kissing her shoulder working her way up to the redhead's lips. By the time she made it to Casey's neck she felt her arms wrap around her waist.
Reaching her lips they kissed passionately for a minute before Alex broke the kiss looking into her green eyes. "Good morning to you too," Casey whispered as she moved to kiss Alex again. Stopping the kiss Alex whispered back, "I have something for you first."
Casey's eyes grew wide with delight as a smile appeared on her face and she pushed up in bed. Alex excitedly moved to the nightstand drawer and pulled the wrapped box from it, turning on the light as well before climbing back up next to Casey. Looking at Casey's growing enthusiasm Alex smiles brightly and says, "Casey I wanted to start a new tradition to go with an old tradition of yours. So here's to new traditions."
Passing Casey the present with shaky hands, Alex watches as Casey tears into the present. Opening the box, Casey gasps, "Alex what a beautiful ornament! I love it baby." She leans in and kisses Alex. Smiling into the kiss Alex whispers, "Open it Case, there is more."
Sitting back Casey examines the ornament and sees it does in fact twist open. Twisting it she discovers a gorgeous ring and freezes as she looks up to Alex. Alex smiles and takes Casey's now shaking hands, "Casey Hunt Novak, I love you more than life itself and never want to spend a moment without you. Will you please make me the happiest woman in the world and be my wife?"
Casey just stares at Alex in shock. Closing her eyes as if to will words to her mouth Alex sees tears stream down the redheads cheeks and she lets go of her hands. "Alex, I am sorry..." She finally manages.
"Don't, just don't Casey," Alex whispers picking up the ornament and closing it. She places it in her nightstand not sure what to do with it as she cleans up the mess from the paper. Standing Alex quietly walks into the bathroom and closes the door flipping the lock to prevent Casey from following her. Turning on the shower she climbs in and sits on the cold tile and finally lets herself fall apart into a sobbing mess.
Alex can hear Casey knocking at the door begging to talk. She knows she should but she doesn't want to hear why Casey doesn't want to be with her, she just wants to forget this moment of her life and go back to the happiness she felt before this heart shredding pain she is feeling now. She wants to be able to return to feeling like she has a family and that she isn't alone again. She wants to be able to think about a future with Casey not the breakup they are clearly facing at this moment.
Finishing her shower, Alex doesn't hear Casey any longer outside the door. Quickly she dries her hair and puts on her makeup. Exiting the bathroom she can hear Casey downstairs with Caroline and another knife like pain strikes her in the chest realizing this will be one of the last times she hears that familiar sound. Stepping into her closet Alex gets dressed and grabs a small bag quickly she throws some jeans underwear and sweaters inside along with her travel makeup bag. Zipping up the bag she tosses it next to the closet door and walks out of the room.
As much as she wants to leave right this minute she will stay for Caroline. The little girl doesn't deserve to have her whole world turned upside down right this minute she deserves to have a good holiday. She deserves to have everything she wants. Walking into the kitchen Alex's heart breaks seeing how excited the small child gets at seeing her.
"Alex!" Caroline exclaims jumping from the chair and running into the blondes arms.
"Happy Turkey day Care-bear!" Alex says kissing the little ones cheek before continuing, "Are you ready for my special pumpkin filled pancakes?"
"Yes," she squeals in delight. Smiling at Caroline, Alex places the girl back down on the floor and walks towards the kitchen cabinets where Casey is standing. They lock eyes and Alex can tell she has been crying. Alex takes the redhead into her arms and hugs her tight. She doesn't want to ever let her go. She just wants to stand here and hold onto her forever.
Casey seeing Alex enter the kitchen and talk about making breakfast starts to wonder if the blonde is just going to forget about the proposal. She just wants everything to go back to normal. She just wants Alex to hold her and let her know that they are going to be okay. She just wants to be reassured that she didn't just torpedo their relationship with her insecurities.
When Alex wraps her arms around Casey the redhead feels like she can finally breathe again. Taking in the sweet smell of Alex's perfume she feels safe and loved. If Caroline wasn't there right at this moment she would probably collapse into Alex in a sobbing mess.
Suddenly Alex starts to pull back and Casey feels like she is falling back into the abyss seeing the look in the blonde's eyes. She starts to feel tears prick behind her eyes and she swallows thickly hoping to hold them back in enough time to leave the room. Taking a shaky breath, Casey softly says, "I am going upstairs to get cleaned up myself. I will be right back."
She quickly leaves the room and heads upstairs. Looking around the room she doesn't see a bag so she lets herself breathe easy. At least Alex wasn't packed to leave. There was still time to explain and try to fix this mess she made.
Turning on the shower she lets herself softly cry. She didn't mean to answer like that, she thought if Alex ever asked she would scream yes and end in a tangle of limbs. She never anticipated saying no. She never anticipated causing Alex to cry like she had. She just wanted to hold Alex and apologize profusely for hurting her.
Climbing under the water she could hear Owen warning her at the beach this past summer. Was he right? Had she destroyed her relationship? Had she ruined Alex? Would Caroline be another casualty in the wake of her response this morning? Why couldn't she just say yes?
She was in love with Alex. Alex was the love of her life. Hands down she wanted to spend her life with the blonde. She never wanted to be without her. She wanted to have children with Alex and the house in the suburbs with Alex and crazy Christmas lights. So, what was stopping her from saying yes?
Climbing out of the shower, Casey quickly got ready. She needed to try and fix this mess fast. Heading back downstairs and to the kitchen she can hear Alex and Caroline laughing and talking.
"You're a turkey!" Alex exclaims with a laugh.
Caroline looks shocked and points her little finger at Alex and firmly says, "No, you're a turkey Alex."
Smiling Casey laughs, "You are both turkeys." They look at her, Caroline smiling brightly thinking it's just another day and Alex with sad eyes that say just how much Casey has hurt her. Knowing she can't wait another minute Casey asks, "Alex can I see you in the dining room? We have to figure out seating for later."
Alex nods and stands following Casey into the room. Casey wastes no time pulling Alex into her arms and kissing her. Alex wants to push her away but can't, she knows Casey is going to ask her to stay. Breaking the kiss after a minute or two Casey softly begs, "Alex please let me explain, please let me make this right."
Looking into Casey's green eyes she knows she isn't going to hear what she needs to hear. Shaking her head Alex says, "Not now Casey, we need to get through today for Caroline. We can talk tonight after she goes to bed." Alex can barely look in Casey's eyes; the redhead looks like she might fall apart at any second. Pulling Casey close again Alex whispers, "We will figure everything out Casey. I love you just as much as I did this morning babe. Let's just get through the holiday. Okay?"
Casey just holds Alex tight not wanting to let go. She is so afraid if she breaks contact the blonde will disappear. She can only nod a reply of yes as a small sob starts to break from her. "I love you Alexandra, I love you so much."
"I know you do Casey. I know." Alex whispers.
By 11am Owen, Kim, Serena, and Abbie had arrived. They all sat downstairs watching the parade on television and eating goodies while Owen and Alex started putting the Christmas tree together. Casey would occasionally come over and point out one of Alex's favorite balloons and steal a hug wanting to be close for comfort and Alex was more than happy to oblige wanting the same security for the time being.
Finally when everyone was paying attention to a dance number Owen whispered, "Alex is everything okay with you two? Casey seems a little needy. Did you two have a fight or something?"
"Or something. We are not going to discuss it until later tonight Owen. Please don't say anything to her about it. We really need to figure some things out first." Alex whispers back hanging her head trying to fight off the tears she had so successfully been holding back.
She wanted to tell Owen so he would talk sense into Casey, but the redhead needed to figure things out on her own. That was the only way they could work and Casey wouldn't feel pressured. Excusing herself for the moment Alex headed upstairs to make a phone call.
Finishing the call she checks the turkey and starts to prepare her mother's famous pumpkin pie. The silence in her childhood kitchen is more than she can handle, it's a reminder of what she may be returning to soon, silence and an empty apartment and lonely holidays. Letting her quiet tears fall into the kitchen sink she feels a pair of familiar arms wrap around her.
"She said no didn't she?" Abbie asked. Alex just nodded into her best friends embrace. Abbie turns Alex around and gives her a proper hug letting the blonde cry into her shoulder. "I didn't see the ring so I figured. Serena doesn't know because I couldn't trust Kim not leaking the secret to Casey in her crazy pregnant hormonal state so no one will bother you. Do you want to leave?"
Alex pulls bad and wipes her tears not wanting the others to catch her crying, taking a breath to steady her voice she replies, "No, I can't leave Caroline like that today. Plus, Casey is devastated as well. She tried to talk to me twice earlier. I had myself locked in the bathroom the first time and the second I told her we would talk tonight. I owe her the chance to explain her answer before I leave."
Abbie frowns and hugs her friend again. She wishes she could take some of the pain Alex is feeling away. "You were right Abbie, I should never have moved in here. I fell way to hard way too fast for her, and now I've destroyed us. We will never be the same because I can't let it go. I want to marry her, I want to adopt Caroline, I want to have more kids and be a family. I don't want to go back to being alone." Alex breaks down crying again.
Rubbing soothing circles on her friends back Abbie softly says, "Alex you don't have to break up. Just talk to Casey and hear her out. She might have a completely logical reason for her answer one that doesn't require you to leave or break up. If she doesn't or you just can't agree with her answer then give her space to sort out her feelings." Pausing to push Alex back to look in her eyes, Abbie continues, "And no Alex I was wrong, you and Casey were right to move in together. Alex, she adores you. Everyone who sees you two together can see how in love you two are. Plus, Caroline worships you. Casey might have said no, but she will come around. Just give her time."
Alex nods, "Thank you Abbie, I will."
"Good, now go fix your makeup, you look like hell." Abbie says with a laugh.
The rest of the day had passed with a blur. Alex only remembered bits and pieces of it. She remembered holding a laughing Caroline up to the top of the tree to put the star on top. She remembered feeling the twins kick whenever Owen spoke near Kim. She remembered sneaking hidden passionate kisses with Casey whenever they could manage. Every kiss felt like it might be the last one so she made a point to try and memorize every one. How Casey's lips felt, how her breathing was, what she tasted like, how she felt wrapped in her arms, even how her hair smelled like lavender. Alex didn't want to forget anything.
Sitting around the table downstairs eating a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner with the Christmas tree lit beside them Alex felt like this would be the last family event she may ever have in her life. She couldn't imagine ever finding someone she loved as much as Casey ever again. This moment in her life felt so ambivalent. She was so happy and so sad at the same time. It was getting to see how wonderful life could be but seeing it disappear all at the same time. She wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time.
"Alex honey, are you okay?" Kim asks and Alex looks her way.
"Yeah why?" Alex answers in a slightly shaky and unconvincing voice.
"Because you are crying," Serena answers. Alex touches her cheeks as she looks at Casey. Sure enough they are wet with tears.
"Alex why are you sad?" Caroline asks climbing into the blondes lap.
Kissing Caroline's head Alex says, "I am not sweetie. I am just so happy I am crying." Looking up at her girlfriend and friends she sees Casey quickly wipe her own eyes and sees the sympathetic frown on Abbie's face. "I am just so happy to have you in my life Caroline. Do you know how much I love you?" Alex asks the little girl only loud enough for her to hear.
Caroline beams at Alex and whispers in her ear, "All the way to the sun, the moon and all the stars."
"And back again. Always remember that. Go eat sweetie." Alex replies smiling at her friends.
No one questioned her crying. It was as if they all knew in their own way she needed her space on the subject. Conversation continued over the delicious food and at the end of the night all friends left with a promise that they needed to get together for Christmas as well.
Once everyone was gone, Alex followed Casey and Caroline upstairs for what may be the last bedtime routine she was a part of with them. While picking out Caroline's little pajamas she ran into the master bedroom and dug her iPod out of her workout clothes drawer. She sets the device to Sweet Caroline and sets it on the nightstand.
Once the little girl's bath is over, she gets her dressed in her jammies remembering the first time she took over for Casey after the zoo trip. She holds Caroline in her lap and reads her as many books as she wants savoring the last minutes of feeling like a mom. Carrying the little girl to bed she tucks her in and kisses her forehead. Taking a breath she says, "Caroline, I might have to go out of town for work but I don't want you to have to go to bed at night without your song sweetheart so I am going to give you my iPod okay. You know how to work it and it's already set to your song so you just have to hit play. Make sure mommy charges it in the morning." As she finishes she closes her eyes willing her tears away.
Swallowing thickly she opens her eyes and smiles at the little girl and sings Sweet Caroline for possibly the last time. Kissing Caroline goodnight she whispers, "I love you Caroline all the way to the sun, the moon and the stars and back again. Have the sweetest dreams little one."
Walking out of the room and into the hall she closes the door and walks down to the master bedroom. Entering the room she finds Casey sitting on the bed crying. Slowly the redhead looks up into Alex's eyes and asks, "You are leaving aren't you?"
"Casey, I don't know." Alex says sitting beside her on the bed. Taking a breath she asks, "Why did you say no Casey?"
"I love you so much Alex. I can't lose you. I thought if you asked me I would say yes, but then you did and all I could think was that's it he's really gone now." Casey confesses wiping her steadily falling tears.
Alex looks up confused, "John? You said no because of John?" Casey doesn't say anything she just cries.
Alex stands and shakes her head. She can't believe all of this is happening. She just wants to get away and breathe. Running her hands through her hair she tugs the ends lightly and turns to face Casey. Taking a breath she says, "I can't compete with someone who isn't even here. I thought you said no because you thought it was too soon, not the fact you can't get over your late husband."
Alex walks to the her closet and grabs her bag out from behind the door and walks over to the nightstand and takes the ring out and sets it next to Casey, "I had this designed for you Casey so you should have it."
"Alex, please don't go! Please don't leave me, I love you Alex. I love you." Casey begs once realization that Alex is for sure leaving kicks in.
Alex shakes her head, "Love me completely Casey or lose me. Either way you have to make up your mind."
"Alex you don't understand." Casey sobs, "You make me so happy and I love you so much that I forget about John. I don't want to forget him completely Alex. If we get married I am afraid I will."
"I can't fight a ghost for you Casey. I will always love you but I am sorry." Alex says as she turns and walks out the door.
Casey sits for a moment frozen in shock and disbelief before she jumps from the bed and runs after the blonde. "Alex, wait! Please!" Casey calls out running down the stairs after her, "Alex please, please don't leave me. Alex I love you. Please Alex please don't leave me."
Standing at the door with her hand on the knob Alex looks at Casey, "I love you Casey, but I can't stay here while you figure out what you want." With that she walks out the door. As she heads to her car, she hears as Casey let out a loud sob but she doesn't turn back.
As she drives away from her home, she calls Abbie and fills her in on what Casey said and that she left. Before disconnecting the call Alex tells Abbie to check on Casey that she is worried greatly about her. Hanging up the phone, Alex goes to the one place she can be alone.