"I am sorry about the way things ended between you." Alison said, lying down on the bed. She has her head propped up on her hand as she stares at me. I'm sitting in the window seat. I was hoping to just have some time to collect my thoughts, but Alison hadn't fallen asleep like I thought she did.
"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" It was already hard enough to think about Paige. But when I was with Alison it was like trying to hear the music on a static-filled radio station. She jammed my thoughts, which was usually a welcome reprieve from my daily rat race. But right now, I just wanted it to be still.
"Okay." She said after a few beats, turning over to go to sleep. I looked back out the window. The moon was full and hanging so low, the light streaming through and illuminating my room. The moon had also shone brightly the first night Paige and I had made love, both of us bathed in silver.
"It's like a dream." I whispered into her neck, curling against her naked body for the first time. It had been messy and awkward and tender. It was somehow richer than it had been with Maya. The way Paige had looked down at me, in complete awe, had nearly stopped my heart. I had never felt so loved.
"It IS a dream. It has always been my dream." Paige replied, taking a sharp breath afterwards. She kissed my forehead and stroked my hair.
"I just hope I don't have to wake up for once." She added, and I sensed the fear in her voice. I pulled away from her neck and looked at her.
"It's our dream. And neither of us is waking up." Before she could hang her head, I lifted the bottom of her chin with my fingers, kissing her. Once she started kissing back, I deepened the kiss and she moaned at the unexpected shift. Soon I had pulled back the sheets on top of us, climbing on top of her. We broke the kiss and looked at each other, asking permission.
"Girls are supposed to be able to go again, right?" She asked. She didn't wait for me to answer with words.
I shook my head, nearly tearing up before I got into bed.
Friday and Saturday led into a homework heavy Sunday afternoon. I wanted anything but to start another week of school and coaching on top of working at the Brew. Alison spent a fair amount of time distracting me from homework and visiting me at the Brew, loitering till I would fix her a latte or pay her enough attention to satisfy her.
Part of me had expected Paige to walk into the coffee shop every time the chime went off during my Saturday shift. My stomach would do flops in preparation, although I couldn't tell if they were butterflies or a stomachache. Last summer I hadn't even been sure if she had come home; if she had I never ran into her once. I knew she still talked to Caleb and Sydney, but I didn't ask about her. I figured asking about her wellbeing was beyond the scope of appropriate behavior after the way we broke up.
But now that I had seen her it was hard not to always be half expecting her. Sitting on my doorstep or stopping by the Brew. Or doing laps in the pool.
I walked into the pool area to meet up with Dana and the team Monday afternoon. I could hear it right away. Paige's distinct, husky voice as it echoed in the center. The team was sitting on the bleachers, listening intently while Paige talked to them.
"Truth is, many of the things that help me the most swimming at the university-level are things I learned here as a Rosewood Shark." Dana smiled on, but once she noticed me walking up her smile faltered a bit. I must have looked as confused as I felt, but I just took my post beside her while Paige continued to offer the team suggestions and insight. She trailed off a bit when she took note of my presence, but didn't steal another glance in my direction as she spoke.
"One thing you will want to start thinking about more is recovery outside of practice. Everything you are eating, the sleep you are getting is all crucial. Just one injury can instantly…derail your career." I turned bright red. She probably hadn't expected me to be there in time for her talk, but it was clear she was probably thinking about my shoulder. The one that had kept me from Stanford and a future in that room on Paige's computer screen so long ago.
"So no alcohol, definitely no drugs…and think twice about the pint of ice cream." She continued, making most of the girls laugh. She gave some more suggestions before wrapping up.
"Thanks Paige. I hope you won't mind sticking around for the rest of practice? Alright girls get in the pool and start some warmup laps!" Dana yelled, blowing her whistle for emphasis. I leaned in to her ear.
"Why didn't you tell me you invited Paige in as a special guest star?" I tried not to sound resentful. Dana rolled her eyes.
"Because I knew you would just get testy anyway, and I wasn't going to let your relationship drama weigh on you before practice." She said. She nodded over to where Paige sat and then she looked back at me, her eyes softening a bit.
"Just go talk to her. Life is too short." She offered. "I'll steer the practice." She added, walking away towards the pool. I turned and walked to Paige. She was in a tank top and shorts. She had always been lean but her muscles were even tighter and more pronounced now that she was training at college.
"Hey." I said. I couldn't even begin to know how this conversation should go. I sat next to her, keeping a foot of space between us.
"Emily. Hey." She did everything to avoid looking directly at me.
"So you're back for the summer?" I didn't ask how she was. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer. The better part of me wanted her to be happy, but the selfish part wanted to know she still thought about me. That maybe Stanford wasn't this perfect paradise we had both looked forward to.
"Uh yeah. Coach…I guess I should say Dana…emailed me about coming to the summer camps to help motivate the girls, tell them a bit of what to expect if they want to move up to the college level…" She trailed off, watching the water.
"You are more than just regular college level. You are nearly at the top of the top district. And thankfully you are injury free so far." I added. She looked at me nervously, her back stiffening a bit. She must know it sounded like she was talking about me earlier, although I'm sure some of the hard-working team at Stanford had injuries.
"Yeah…sorry about that earlier. I wasn't referring to you exactly…injury is kind of my worst fear right now. Winning is one of the most important things I've got going." She stole a glance at me, her brown eyes searching mine for a beat before returning to the pool. It was a loaded comment, but she didn't appear to want to elaborate.
"It's fine. I wonder all the time how different things would have been if I didn't get hurt." Another loaded comment. This time we made eye contact at the same time and held each other's eyes.
You, me, donuts, and diners.
"So you're still coaching?" She asked, changing the unspoken subject. I shook my head a bit to try and clear it.
"Yeah, they kept me on. I love it though lately between coaching and school and work…it is just a lot." I finished lamely. We had possibly run out of polite, personal conversation for two exes to have.
"Plus you are in a relationship. With…Alison." The name rolled bitterly off her tongue. I wasn't sure how to proceed. It was like having to defuse a potential bomb.
"Yeah." I hung my head and dropped my voice. "Yeah we are still together." A myriad of emotions seemed to pass over Paige's face. She hung her head, silently scoffing before looking pained.
"You didn't have to leave the bar the other night." I hesitantly suggested, searching her face. Her jawline was even more pronounced thanks to her training. She grimaced a bit.
"I know." She said curtly, trying to end the conversation. But I couldn't let it rest. We should be able to be in the same bar together. It had been over a year.
"I mean we are here now in the same room. I've missed you Paige."
"This is hardly the same." She admitted quietly. "This is practically business, helping out swimmers and preparing them for college. It isn't the same as watching you two cozy up over a couple of drinks…" She finished. She wasn't as angry as she was pretending. If I knew Paige at all, she was more upset than angry.
I began to reply, but thought better of it. It was a free country. Paige could do whatever she wanted. I really had no room to demand her to be okay with Ali dating me now.