"I can't believe we're doing this." I said, drunk with lust as I touched Paige for the first time since senior prom.
Paige moved, grinding hard against me. I groaned and urged her on. She was relentless, teeth and tongue covering my neck and throat, leaving bite marks I couldn't possibly begin to explain to Alison.
"I never got enough of you back then." She whispered in my ear before playfully biting down on my ear lobe.
"Fuck…take me Paige. I need you inside." I couldn't really tell if I had spoken out loud or not, but soon she was pushing my ruined panties to the side to press inside me. She gasped at her reception, starting a deliberate, controlled rhythm.
"Fuck Em. You're so wet. I missed you too." She pushed another finger in me, and I clenched and released around her, unable to control myself. As soon as we had ended up here, she started to drift away from me, her image seeming to melt away.
I woke up tangled in my sheets, slick with sweat. Alison was at the desk, reading something on her laptop. She glanced up when she noticed me stirring. Here I was with the girl I had wanted for all those years, but I was still fantasizing about my ex-girlfriend. I hadn't had a sex dream of Paige since high school, but that one had left me wet and wanting.
"Good morning." Alison said. "Want some coffee? Breakfast?" She continued.
"Ali…I'll go make myself something after showering, thanks." I walked out to the hall, barely able to look her in the eyes. I felt flushed and guilty, like I really had cheated on her. I hopped into the shower, briefly entertaining the notion of just running it cold, flushing the carnal thoughts out of my head. Instead, I let the warm water flow over my skin as I let my hands roam, thinking about Paige again.
Alison and Paige were so different at everything…including sex. Alison was more a femme, a bottom. Ali counted on me wanting to worship her. It didn't always leave much leftover for when she would touch me. With Paige…I was the one getting worshipped. Well…it was more equal in terms of attention. Paige was so gentle, me being her first. But it had always driven me wild knowing Paige could sometimes get rough with me, once she had the basics down. In fact, I would never forget the time we snuck back into the locker room after practice…
I battled the urge to touch myself by focusing on my feeling for Alison. Alison had been with me as we finally stopped A. Despite how the others felt about her tactics, she always had our best interest in mind with her plan. Even if she could have simplified the process by just telling us what she knew to begin with. She was in love with me…right? A thought pulled itself forward from my subconscious before I could even stop it: things with Alison aren't working. I wouldn't have had that dream if things were working. I sighed and turned the faucet so the water would turn cold the rest of the time, trying to freeze out my terrible thoughts.
"Sex dreams don't always mean you want to have sex with someone. They usually mean you need to resolve something with them. And that couldn't be truer with you and Paige." Hanna said, dismissing my confession.
"Yeah I guess so." I said, not really sure if that was all there was to it. We had met up for coffee after my shift finished at the Brew. Hanna was a great customer since she was willing to try any latte concoction I was experimenting with at that given moment. Not that I wanted to keep perusing being a barista, but it was fun work at times.
"Em…how are things with Alison? And don't just get defensive. I won't jump down your throat like Spencer or even Aria." She said, sipping her drink. I smiled. Hanna could be glib, but she was a little more sensitive when it came to this stuff.
"I don't know. I just feel like…she doesn't want to move forward. And like she still gets a kick out of flirting with guys whether or not I'm around, like we are back in high school and it is all unrequited." I sighed, taking a sip of my coffee just to have something to do while I let my grievances hang in the air. Hanna was spinning her to-go cup in small circles while she thought, her brow furrowed.
"Yeah…that was the vibe I was getting." She paused before continuing. "Listen. You are a catch. And we are young. Don't forget that." She took a drink while I pondered her implications.
"I can't help but wonder if things could have turned out differently, or life just pushes you a certain direction no matter what" I murmured.
"What do you mean?" Hanna asked, looking puzzled.
"I just…I wonder how different my life could have been. Without A…without my shoulder injury…" I said, trying to imagine it. I would probably have still been with Paige.
"You mean if you had gone to Stanford or even Danby?" Hanna finished, nodding at me to continue.
"Yeah…but then I wouldn't have coaching or the Brew. I do like parts of my life here a lot. But I also just feel stuck." I glanced down, suddenly interested in the table. I felt like a failure, admitting college and things with Alison weren't what I wanted them to be. Hanna touched my hand.
"Em…just relax. We are in college. This is time for figuring it out…not already having it figured it out." She smiled, trying to reassure me.
"You are incredibly insightful. No wonder you ended up in Ivy League." She nodded, and then her face broke out into a big smile.
"Thanks! But actually I need some love advice as well…"
"Seriously? What's up?" Caleb and Hanna's relationship had been going smoothly since beginning college. I can't imagine they would be having trouble.
"That's what I'm trying to figure out!" Hanna leaned in close, conspiratorially. "Caleb's been acting weird lately. Shifty." She elaborated. I shook my head.
"That doesn't really mean anything. Maybe he's just stressed, trying to run his phone repair service or whatever he is doing for money." I responded. Caleb was attending class, but still earning money the same old way he did in high school.
"Maybe that's it. But I'm telling you something is up. I can sense it." She seemed certain of herself.
"Have you tried just talking to him? It couldn't hurt to ask." I knew being direct and honest weren't exactly hallmarks of any of our relationships, but it was worth suggesting.
"Like it is ever that easy..."
"So I'm going to meet up with Paige tonight…" I studied Alison, trying to pick up on her mood. She had on her patent poker face, but her icy mannerisms were saying it all.
"Oh yeah. I'm actually going out too. Those guys from the bar the other days are going to some house party." I felt like I had been punched in the gut, a flushed, panicked feeling spreading through my body.
"What? The frat guys from the bar?" I tried to sound normal, but my throat was dry and my tongue seemed to stick to the roof of my mouth while I tried to articulate the words. Alison was trimming her nails, using the activity to avoid eye contact.
"Yeah they were cool."
"Is that really…I mean they clearly…" I tried to think of a way of accusing them of wanting to get in her pants. But I knew Alison. If I did that…it would give her an opening to imply the same about Paige. Joke was on her for that false assumption. Paige didn't seem to care less about seeing me anymore. She was probably agreeing to this out of pity.
"They know we are dating. I told them. They are cool with it." She said nonchalantly. That is what killed me. That she acted like that was the end of it.
"Sure they are. Of course they are. What frat guys don't love some hot girls dating and willing to flirt?" I scoffed. I regretted it as soon as I said it, realizing instantly I had tip-toed over an invisible line. Alison stopped filing her nails and looked up at me, her blue eyes stormy and angry.
"I'm not up to anything. Just remember that while you get her out of your system." With that she grabbed her purse and slammed the door, knowing my parents weren't home so they wouldn't get concerned by the sound of the door.
Anger and guilt coursed through me in equal measure. I felt like my blood was soaked with a toxic poison I was so upset. I tried to shake it off while I got ready to see Paige.
When I walked into the bar, I saw Paige had snagged the same booth we sat in the first time we came here. Back then she was nervous and shifty, playing with her drink to occupy her energy. Now she looked confident, calm. She leaned back against the booth, staring out at the rest of the bar. I felt an unexpected rush of butterflies. The whole time I was driving here, after I cooled down after my fight with Alison, I was more excited than I should be to see an old friend.
"I see our booth was free." I said as I took a seat. She smiled at me, tucking some hair behind her ear.
"Yeah…I figured it would poetic." She admitted. "Can I get you something to drink?" She added, gesturing towards the bar. Why not? A drink might calm my nerves.
"That would be great. Rum and coke?" Paige nodded and went towards the bar, coming back with two.
"Thanks for meeting me. And the drink." I said, taking a sip.
"Of course. I mean I would probably run into you again anyway, at the rate we are going." Paige added. She still seemed confident, but she seemed to be avoiding eye contact with me. Maybe she was nervous too?
"So how have you been? How's California and Stanford?" I asked.
"It's good. Great actually. I'm not sure where to start…swimming is demanding but I love it. I have to tell you most of the time I'm exhausted though…it makes going to Ivy League level classes pretty difficult." She was starting to open up to me again. I couldn't begin to imagine how tired she must always be.
"Doesn't leave much time for a social life, huh?" Or to return phone calls or texts…though I realized that was probably her way of dealing with me dating Alison. Besides, I gave up on trying to contact her early in our freshman year. She smiled a secretive sort of grin. Like she had an inside joke she wasn't sharing.
"I wouldn't necessarily say that…I mean a social life is so much more engaging than say…" We both said math class at the same time. Paige rolled her eyes at me.
"Still finishing my sentences?" She asked, grinning.
"Well I guess I still know some things about you." I said, pretending to be smug.
"You've always known me best." She said. For a moment the air around us seemed to still. It was another loaded comment, and her smile dropped a bit before picking back up. She looked down at the table.
"Um…so how's Hollis? Seems like you have a lot on your plate outside of class." I realized she was trying to avoid asking directly about Alison.
"It's good. I wish I was living on campus or even in an apartment…right now it just feels like this weird extension of high school." I explained. I wanted to tell her about feeling like a big fish in a shrinking bowl…how I felt I would burst out my room any second. How Alison made me feel more constrained sometimes, even while our relationship (especially the physical side), distracted me from the anxious feelings.
"Why don't you move out? I'm sure between coaching and working at the Brew you could make it work…you would get to decorate however you wanted." She said. I felt the pressure building under my skin, to explain it was Alison who didn't want to move forward, and that she relied on me and my family for protection and security. Instead:
"I guess that's a good point. No puffy drapes if I got to decorate myself..." She grinned at the reference and nodded.
"Exactly. Drapes however…beds wherever." I laughed even though the comment made me blush a bit too.
Another drink and much more conversation later, we began to get up. But I didn't want the night to be over. It felt great to be around Paige again. To know that she really was doing well now that she had definitively escaped Rosewood.
"Hey…do you want to maybe go by the lake house? I mean it is still early and I bet the view would be beautiful tonight." Paige smiled that knowing smirk again at my invitation.
"Sure…stargazing. I actually rode my bike though. Can you give me a lift?" She nodded towards her mode of transportation.
"Yeah no problem." I felt giddy while we drove, and once we got there we walked down the familiar, small wooden pier of her aunt's lake house. The sky was clear and the air was still warm, the moon and stars illuminating us and the woods. We sat on wooden crates, nearly touching and just looking up at the stars.
"It's beautiful." Paige said quietly, staring up at the sky and the stars. She looked just as unattainable and beautiful as the night sky. I hated thinking it, but I was still frustrated with Ali who I hadn't heard from all night. I had sent her a few texts asking how the party was and if everything was okay, but she was probably still upset.
Paige turned to me, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"I haven't exactly been truthful with you." She stated. Her voice was hesitant and hoarse. A million thoughts seemed to fizz against one another in my mind.
"Truthful about what?" I asked.
"How great Stanford is…it's not everything I wanted. I mean…I love it but it isn't perfect." She explained, making more eye contact. Her brown eyes looked so sad, so vulnerable.
"Nothing's perfect." I quipped, but she shook her head.
"True nothing's perfect…but it feels like the accomplishments are empty." She closed her eyes while she talked to me, apparently pained by what she was saying." I used to think that swimming, that winning was all that mattered to me. That I would go to Stanford and win meets and meet someone and everything would be fine." Oh.
"And?" I asked, my heart beating a little faster.
"I realized that what really mattered to me was being with you. Because without you next to me, those things didn't mean nearly as much." Paige reached out and touched my hand gently. After a beat she looked down at our hands, sighed sadly, and pulled hers away, murmuring an apology.
"You don't have to apologize…I…it was instinct. Habit. I'm sorry things haven't been working out quite yet. Just give it more time." I said. I almost convinced myself.
"That's what I keep telling myself. And it isn't all bad." She looked lost in thought for a moment, her eyes still sad. Then she shook her head and spoke again. "Listen why don't we go for a swim?" She asked, nodding out towards the water in front of us. It looked like dark glass, reflecting the moonlight in little silver glimmers.
"We don't have swimsuits though." I blushed. Was she wanting to skinny dip? I definitely wouldn't trust myself with that after my dream…though I was curious about what the rigors of division one swimming had done to Paige's already sculpted body.
"We have the clothes we are wearing." She said, taking off her shoes and socks.
"You can't be serious." But I saw she was serious as she shrugged in an exaggerated, suit yourself sort of gesture and jumped in the water, splashing me a bit.
I hadn't been swimming since high school. Occasionally I would tread water before or after practice, trying to make sure I didn't lose all touch with swimming. And I ran to keep up my health. But I generally tried not to test my shoulder too much, especially since I was never going to compete again.
"It's nice I'm telling you!" Paige said, treading to keep herself afloat. I rolled my eyes and took off my flats. Instead of jumping I went around to the shore, slowly walking in to get acclimated. Paige swam over.
"Have you been swimming at all?" She asked. I explained about my hesitance to test my shoulder without reason and she nodded.
"Don't strain yourself. We are just having fun." She was so serious, but I could tell she loved being in the water. It was amazing to think there was a time Paige doubted wanting to swim at all. We doggy paddled and threaded the water, talking more about Paige's teammates and how I thought the Sharks were going to do this season.
Suddenly my left calf seized up, a brilliant burst of pain sucking the air out of my lungs.
"Shit! Leg cramp." I hissed, starting to flail my arms around which aggravated my bad shoulder. I grimaced, the pain a tight clenching throughout my calf muscle.
"Hold on I got you." Paige swam over, scooping me up with her strong arms and pushing me to the shore. She laid me down on the sand, leaning over and massaging my calf. At first it felt tighter; her hand on the seized up muscle, but soon her touch began to relax it.
"Thanks…that is helping." I was barely able to talk, my eyes closed as I thanked my lucky stars the pain had finally stopped. Paige's massage was dwindling, turning into more of a caress up and down the outside of my leg. Her breathing grew a little ragged. I opened my eyes and realized what kind of position we were in. Paige's dripping wet body was flush on top of mine, her arm reaching down to touch my leg. Her eyes met mine and she took her hand off my leg.
"There." She said, not getting up. Instead she lifted herself up so we were looking in each other's eyes, having a silent conversation. I knew we should pull away and Paige started to.
I grabbed the back of her neck and stopped her from getting up. I wasn't strong enough to actually pull her down on me, so instead I lifted my head up and we met in the middle. The second our lips touched Paige groaned against mine. She kissed me with a series of small, close-mouthed pecks before deepening the kiss. I moaned, meeting her tongue with mine, my hand now gripping her hair to keep her tight against me.
It was intoxicating. Whether it was because it had been so long or we had reconnected so well. Or because it was wrong…I was cheating on Alison. Paige whimpered, trying to touch as much of me as possible in these few, precious moments, her hands frantically running up and down my sides to squeeze my hips and caress my arms.
Then she pulled away. Her brown eyes were dark with lust, her expression clouded as she glanced from my eyes to my lips and back. She shook her head, pushing herself up.
"No. No. Nope. No. Not this. Not again." She muttered, grabbing her shoes and socks to put back on.
"Paige…I'm sorry I…" She shook her head, her eyes wet with tears she was trying not to cry.
"Why are you sorry? I'm the one that kissed the girl with the girlfriend. The same girl that left me for that girlfriend. I'm sorry to be such a fool." Her voice was raspy, defeated.
"You aren't a fool…Paige wait…" I got up and reached out limply to touch her. She pulled back, wincing.
"Just…do me a favor and pop the trunk so I can get my bike out." I realized there was no reasoning with her right now. The warm vulnerability was gone, replaced with steely resolve. I couldn't believe how much it paralleled Alison's iciness from earlier. I hit the button, and Paige grabbed her bike. She looked up at me before getting on.
"I'm sorry Em." She said, pulling away before I could respond. I sat there for a few moments, trying to comprehend all that had just happened. My heart was heavy as I finally pulled myself into my car. Then my phone buzzed in the cup holder I had sat it in.
Alison: Em…I'm sorry for earlier. Things were lame at the party. I'm on my way home now. I love you.
I shook my head as I started to cry.