Eventually Kaname stopped crying and released Zero. Once he was free Zero stumbled back a few feet looking at Kaname as though he had just sprouted horns and a tail rather than hugged him. His eyes were wide and his mouth hung open slightly. As much as he wanted to ask what was going on, he couldn't get the words to come.
Kaname, too, looked shell shocked. He didn't seem to know what he had done. His eyes were empty and glazed and he seemed almost lost. It worried Seiren. She had never seen him like this. While it was true that he had had bouts of depression and apathy in the past, he never seemed . . . pathetic was the only word that she could find that described him. Even though the others would never admit it, they were thinking the exact same thing. He didn't even notice when they exchanged worried looks over the top of his head.
"Kaname?" Yuuki asked quietly. His head turned towards her, but his eyes never lost their blank expression. She reached up and stroked his face. "It was just a dream," she said. "Everything is going to be ok." His only response was to blink. His lack of reaction scared her more than anything else that had happened. Kaname had always been so strong. He always seemed so sure and now this. She looked at Kaien unsure what she should do next.
"Let's go back to the house," Kaien suggested. "We can get a good night's rest and everything will make more sense in the morning." He hoped he was telling the truth. He also wished that he knew what Kaname had seen that had caused this shift in his personality.
"What do you think, Kaname?" Yuuki asked, her voice forcefully bright. "Would you like to get a good night's sleep?" She took a deep breath when his face didn't even register that she had spoken. She wanted to cry but instead she forced the urge down and stood, offering her hand to him.
"Come on, Kaname, let's go home," she said. She smiled when he took her hand and stood allowing her to lead him towards the headmaster's house. Even though she wanted to cut across campus since it was the shorter route, she knew that if the sight of an unconscious pureblood would freak the nobles out this would drive them completely over the edge. The walk back took place in silence. No one wanted to talk about what they were all were thinking: if they couldn't find a way to snap him out of this, the rest of the war would have to take place without Kaname.
Once they arrived at the edge of the woods nearest the headmaster's house, Zero and Seiren stepped cautiously out of the woods to make sure that the coast was clear before motioning for Yuuki, Kaname and Headmaster Cross to follow. Once they were safely inside, everyone released a sigh of relief. No one had seen them. For now, Kaname's condition was a secret. When Yuuki released Kaname's hand, he just stood there staring straight ahead. Yuuki looked almost as lost.
"Yuuki," Kaien suggested, "why don't you take Kaname upstairs and let him get some rest. Then you can come back downstairs and we can talk about the progress of the vampires' training." She knew from his expression that what he really meant was, 'get rid of him and we can talk about what to do about him.'
She nodded and took Kaname's hand once more to lead him to their bedroom. He followed her wordlessly. She wished that he would say something, or that he would at least have some expression in his face or eyes. In their bedroom, he sat on their bed and looked up at her with eyes that held all the sadness of millennia. It was everything she could do not to look away. She almost missed the blankness.
"What happened?" she asked, tears in her voice. "What could you have possibly dreamed that drove you to this?"
"I saw myself," he said his voice expressionless. "I saw me as I truly am. I saw all the harm I have caused. I don't deserve to live."
"You're wrong," she said. "You are a good person Kaname. Even if you can't see it right now. Think of all the lives you just saved. You're just upset. Everything will look better in the morning. Get some rest."
He looked away from her before he lay down and curled up on his side. Yuuki sighed and took his shoes off and covered him with a blanket before she kissed him on the forehead. She looked down at him with sad eyes then she stroked his hair back and whispered, "Even with everything you have done, I love you Kaname. Just remember that."
After she left, Kaname allowed the tears that he wanted to shed for the wrong he had done to her to fall. He knew that he owed her a confession, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her that it was his fault that her parents were dead. He knew that there was no way she could love him after he told her that and they had been right about him. He was selfish enough that even though he knew he owed her the truth, he couldn't bear to lose her love.
Even though he wasn't aware of it, Yuuki had stopped outside the door when she heard him sob. She took a deep breath and walked away blinking back her own tears. If he had waited until she was gone, it was clear to her that he didn't want her to see him cry and she would honor his wishes. Maybe the time alone would give him a chance to work this out on his own without them having to resort to drastic measures. And if that didn't work . . . she would find something that did.
She walked into the kitchen where she could hear the voices of the others. As she entered, the voices stopped and they looked at her.
"How is he?" Kaien asked.
"I'm not sure," Yuuki said sitting down at the table with a sigh. "I've never seen him like this before."
"We were just discussing that," Seiren replied. "None of us have. What are we going to do, Yuuki-sama?"
"We'll snap him out of it," Yuuki replied her voice edging toward hysteria. "There has to be a way."
"What if there's not?" Zero asked. The others glared at him and he shifted uncomfortably before he said, "I know that we are all thinking it. I'm the only one willing to say it. There is a chance that Kaname is down for the count."
"Zero!" Yuuki snapped. "How can you even think that?!"
"You saw him too!" Zero yelled panic beginning to bubble through his calm disinterested facade. "He's broken. Our one chance at surviving this war, and he's broken. We're doomed."
"No," Yuuki said steel beneath her words. "Even if Kaname can't help us, we're not doomed. We still have me, and we still have everything else. Until we find a way to fix Kaname, or he fixes himself, we will continue like nothing has changed. We'll still train. We'll still prepare. This changes nothing."
"This changes everything," Kaien said his tone betraying his feelings of hopelessness. "We can train and we can still fight but if we can't get Kaname back in the fight our casualties will be much higher. Without him we can't stop the hunters before they are in range of their anti-vampire weapons. You are more powerful than a normal vampire, but you don't have the kind of power that he does. I don't know how he became so powerful, but we need him."
"And I will find a way to bring him back," Yuuki said stubbornly. She couldn't understand why they were giving up so easily. She had been relying on them to be strong and get everyone through this. Now it looked like that task was going to be hers.
"I understand that this is a bit of a setback," she said. "But until it can be fixed, I will have to be enough. Kaname bought us some time with the wall and we need to use it. You need to continue your training efforts. I'm not sure how, but the magic users and I will also have to find a way to continue. We will work on a way to stop the anti-vampire weapons from being effective. If that's all there is to talk about, I suggest that we either resume training or find lodging for the others and call it a night.
"Whatever you all decided to do is up to you, but I have a meeting I need to attend with the magic users," Yuuki had barely finished speaking before she turned and walked out the door.
The others exchanged glances before they stood and followed her out of the house before going their own ways. They all knew that she was right; there was no use in sitting around waiting to die. Even if that was to be their eventual outcome, they at least needed to put up a good fight. But even this knowledge didn't make it any easier for them to return to a task that they knew would be futile in the end. They, too, had suffered through too many changes and events in the past weeks to be able to continue rolling with the punches. This latest change had broken more than just Kaname: it had also broken their morale. For the first time since they learned that war was declared, it had truly sank in that they could all die before this was over. None of them were guaranteed tomorrow.
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Only once she was away far enough into the woods that she was sure that the others wouldn't find her did Yuuki allow herself to sink to her knees. She didn't even try to stifle the sobs that tore themselves from her throat or to stop the tears that poured down her cheeks. She had held it all in in front of Zero and the others because they had just seemed so destroyed by Kaname's behavior. And she understood that. Whether it was fair or not, they had all been relying on Kaname to pull them through the coming battle. They didn't even know the truth about his origin and they had still sensed that he was a powerful force that was capable of winning this war. Hell, he could probably have done it single handedly if he really wanted to. But now . . . he had shut down and left her to do it alone. How can he do this? She thought angrily. Doesn't he see how much they all need him? How much I need him?
She swallowed hard around her tight throat attempting to fight back her feelings of resentment and anger. She knew that it wasn't fair of her. While he wasn't human, he was still only one person. One flawed person that was much more sensitive than he let on. She didn't know what he had seen, but she knew that it had to be bad. This, much like her temper tantrum not that long ago, was Kaname's way of coping with something that he hadn't been prepared to deal with. He just needed time. Hopefully the time that he needed to recover from his shock was less time than the time that the hunters needed to bore through the wall because despite her brave words earlier, Yuuki knew that she would not be enough. They needed Kaname, as unfair as that was of them to rely solely on him. In the end, he truly was their best hope of survival.
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Once he was regained control of himself again, Kaname did not move. He continued to lay on the bed, his crimson eyes staring unseeing into the darkness. Even though he had allowed Yuuki to lead him to their room with the promise of a good night's rest, sleep remained outside Kaname's reach. He was still exhausted from his efforts earlier, but he was afraid of what sleep would bring. He was afraid that the nightmare would repeat and show him more of his misdeeds. Rather than risk it, he stared blankly at the wall and allowed what the others had said to repeat in his mind. The more he thought about it, the more clear things became to him. There was only one thing that he could do that might balance out the things he had done in the past. He had to give himself to the hunters in repayment of the death of their president. If he did that, they would have no reason to continue their war and no one else would have to die on his account. It was the only way.
Even though he knew that was what he needed to do, he was unable to summon the strength to do it. I am weak, he thought bitterly. I can't even command my own body to do as I wish. How did I ever think that I could lead others? Eventually, despite his efforts to remain awake, exhaustion got the better of Kaname and he fell into a dreamless sleep.
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As Kaname's burgundy eyes drifted shut, a pair of ice blue eyes across town opened. The pureblood owner of those eyes smiled, a cold, cruel thing that did little to enhance her natural beauty.
"I really don't know why you are all so intimidated by him," she said slowly. "He is truly not that impressive. One little illusion and the great Kaname Kuran is reduced to a crying mess. Despite all his "powers" he still hasn't realized that what he saw was planted in his head by me. He thinks that the people talking to him were real. Really makes you wonder what he truly thinks about himself if he believes the cruel words of people who loved him in the past."
"You know why," the president of the association replied ignoring the last part of her statement. He didn't know what the vampire thought, and he didn't want to know. "You yourself said that his shields were formidable. You saw what he did today. We have plenty of reasons to be intimidated by him. We know what he really is."
She snorted derisively in reply. "Yes. His shields and powers are quite impressive. It is his character that is weak. All the powers in the world do not matter if one is not strong enough to use them. As to what he really is, I am still unimpressed. He is not the only ancient pureblood left in the world and the time that he spent in hibernation will ultimately be his doom. In the end, he will pay for what he did to me and my mother. I will see to it."
The president sighed but didn't otherwise respond to her statement. He had a feeling that Kaname was more cunning that she knew. It didn't feel right that he would give up so easily, no matter how convincing her ruse had been. There was more going on here than she expected and he worried that her ego would yet be the downfall of them all. His instincts told him that Kaname, like any wounded animal, was more dangerous now than he had been before she messed with his head. He only hoped that he was wrong or that if he was right, that in the end Kazuye did prove more powerful than her father.
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Sorry about the delay y'all I had another exam. Hopefully this clears up a few more things for y'all. I will try to get another one out soon, now I have something to work from a little faster. I have a better idea where this is going now; I may even have an idea on how to end it!
As always, I can't wait to hear what you thought. And thank you to everyone who reads this chapter.
And a special thank you to:
Maeko11: I thought someone would appreciate that. It seemed like it was the right time and the right person to do it. And I agree, there may have been an ulterior motive. ;)
Akira 91: I'm glad that you will continue to come back. And that is one of the things that I love about this fandom, there are so many complex characters that you can twist and manipulate as you need them.
Anne Fatalism Dilettante: Yep! Time for WAAAAAR! I couldn't just keep building up to it forever and never get there :)
Kawaii-Cupcake-Sprinkles: Hey, you eventually reviewed and that's what counts :) Thank you and I hope to see what you think about the latest revelations
Elliot Rose: She broke him alright and you got a little bit of her past in this one. While not a lost love, she does have a relation to him that makes her ability make sense . . . sort of. And we'll just have to see how her master plan works out for her. And don't worry, we'll see a bit more Yagari come up soon. And I suppose that good characters that don't get enough screen/page time are better than not having any good characters, right?
moonprincess4ever: I will try to get them up as fast as I can. I'm glad that you have enjoyed it so far.
ShioriBunny: Unexpected is what I aim for ;) and thank you so much for the compliment. (and I'm not sure if fantastically is a real word either, but even if it's not a real word I appreciated the sentiment).
AnimeFanPeep: Thank you. And I'm sure you can if you think about it. And no, I'm not following the plot at all. And if you think that was OOC, it only gets worse from there. Hopefully you enjoy it anyway.
I also want to say thank you to everyone who added this story or me to their favorites or alerts. Thank you and I will see you for the next chapter.
Stickdonkeys