Penitence 002: Maledictio
"It's true that humans have done selfish things, taking away Pokemon homelands, stripping them of their food supply... I've seen the results of that on my journey!"
Then why are you on their side?
"But does that give you the right to decimate the human race? Does that give you the right to destroy cities?! Pokemon aren't tools for killing!"
Shut up...
"Even this battle of yours... has hurt not just humans, but Pokemon as well!"
Be silent...
"I will not be silent! I hate fighting... I'm truly sad when any Pokemon are injured... even my opponent's!"
Why will you not shut up?
"You have incredible power! Why do you use it for destruction?! Why do you use it for evil?!"
Arrogant little brat... I order you to...
"If you care for Pokemon with a kind and gentle heart, then they'll always be your friends..."
...
"Aren't Pokemon your friends too!?"
"SHUT UP!" Lance shouted as he woke up with sweat all over his body. He could not help it. His battle against Yellow had been on his mind ever since his defeat.
These nightmares, if one could call them that, were haunting Lance for a month since his arrival at Mt. Silver. The young trainer found himself very distracted by these very words during his battle with the pipsqueak. Why had the brat's words affected so much? If he were right, then he shouldn't be worrying or stressing out like this.
Was Yellow right about everything?
No. Lance would not admit to it. He couldn't. Lance knew for himself that humanity is disgusting. He knew the real world. He's lived longer than that brat. He knew how cruel humanity can be, especially to Pokemon.
Then why...? Why was he so disturbed by these words?
Lance's Pokemon – Dragonite, Gyarados, Aerodactyl, Dragonair, Dragonair – and Larvitar all looked at Lance with worry written over their faces. They knew what the young dragon trainer was going through. All except for Larvitar could feel that the battle had affected their beloved trainer deeply.
If anyone were to ask the Pokemon, they would tell them that during the month Lance has not been himself. During their training sessions, Lance would always be off, shouting words of harsh silence to try and stop the voice from preaching in his mind. Of course, the voice never stopped. Lance constantly heard the voice in his head and it worried his Pokemon deeply. No amount of meditation or sleep is able to help him overcome these haunting words.
Why was he so disturbed?
Slamming his right fist into the wall, the Pokemon approached him with caution. Lance did not care if that was stupid and careless. His fist bled a little from the rough impact but even the pain he felt did not take his mind off of the words of the child. At this point, he felt that he was going insane.
This silence... this time away from the human world was supposed to help him; however, it's caused him more grief and stress. No one but his Pokemon were around to disturb him. Lance figured that this time would help him meditate and garner the peace he needed within himself but...
That was the exact opposite. Ultimately, Lance thought this time to himself would help him reflect on what things went wrong with his plan so that the next time, he could execute it flawlessly, which included getting rid of the pipsqueak.
"Aren't Pokemon your friends too!?"
"Rrr... get out of my head!" Lance shouted at the top of his lungs. Instead of the usual anger, this shout was different than the ones from the past month at Mt. Silver. His shouts were filled with... desperation. Although it sounded pure anger and hatred, this particular shout was more or less filled with desperation.
Lance could feel it. He was almost there. The amount of turmoil and stress the child's words placed on him was... agonizing, to say the least.
Why won't Yellow's words go away?
...was the brat right?
Facing this realization was hard for the dragon trainer to accept. If there was something he did not like, it was being proven wrong. For dragon trainers in general, all of them had one thing in common. It was common knowledge amongst any trainer in the Pokemon world.
Pride.
Only those who are able to become truly humble – or as close to humble as possible – were true dragon masters. It was something Lance could admit he lacked. It was also the one thing he was sure he could never fully achieve. Even when he was a child, he had so much pride just being a child with the blessed powers of the Viridian Forest.
So, for someone as prideful as Lance to admit that someone was right, especially one whom he considers as an enemy was very difficult for him to accept. He especially did not want to be proven wrong by a small child! They were so much younger than him! Lance has lived longer so he assumed that life experiences and knowledge would have proven to the child that his solution to the cruelty of humanity would be right!
"Dammit..." Lance cursed under his breath as he slowly brought his fist away from the wall. He stared at his wounded hand. The physical pain would subside but the mental pain, Lance felt, would stay for a while.
"Aren't Pokemon your friends too?!"
"Of course they are..." Lance grunted under his breath before he covered his face with his hand.
Why did that brat question him on that? Why did that trainer feel the need to even question his love for Pokemon?
More importantly...
Why was it hard for Lance to answer that question?
"They are my friends..." The dragon trainer repeated over and over again to himself. It was one of those extremely rare moments for Lance to feel so... helpless and weak. Yellow's questions kept resonating in his head over and over again while he kept answering back over and over.
It was truly a sad sight for his Pokemon to behold. They mostly knew Lance as someone very strong willed and tough. Times when he felt pathetic and weak made them feel the same.
Out of the group of Pokemon, Larvitar carefully approached he dragon trainer. The other Pokemon looked at Larvitar with disbelief and question. They knew when not to approach Lance and this was one of them.
Lance growled to himself and, without thinking or looking, he hit whatever it was that touched him. At first, the dragon trainer believed it to be some pebbles that fell on top of legs. However, once he saw what he hit, immediate regret and disgust filled his insides.
Larvitar.
Lance could see the shocked look on Larvitar's face. It was only a month ago this Larvitar came under his care to heal from the emotional and physical abuse of its ex-trainer. Considering the weight of his actions, Lance knew exactly what the Larvitar was thinking.
Abuse.
Immediate and burning flashbacks went through the Larvitar's mind at the moment it was smacked by the young dragon trainer. Larvitar looked up at Lance with great disbelief in its eyes. How could he? He promised him protection! He promised there would be no harm done upon it!
"Larvitar... I..." Lance's voice trembled. It was because he could not believe it himself. He could not believe that he harmed this Pokemon out of his own emotional turmoil!
Quickly, Larvitar fled from the group and through the cracks of the cave wall. While Lance's Pokemon tried to go after it, Larvitar swiftly dug into the soil of the mountain, allowing its escape to be a success.
Lance, on the other hand, stayed in his position. He could only stare with shock written all over his face at the wrong he had done. His hands were trembling. Why did he do that? What compelled him to hit Larvitar?
Did he, Lance, just abuse a Pokemon?
Why...? Why...?! WHY?!
"Aren't Pokemon your friends too?!"
Voices swirled inside the young dragon trainer's head as his Pokemon looked at him with much worry. This was something that they... expected once they saw Larvitar approach the heated trainer. They knew better than to approach Lance when he lost his cool. If they did not watch out, they would have gotten hurt as well.
It all stemmed from Lance's childhood. Of course, Lance was not fully aware of this. During his training at the Dragons' Den, Lance almost always smacked anything that dare come near him if he was heated. At one moment, even Dragonite, who had been a Dragonair at the time, nearly got hurt when it tried to console its master. Lance never realized this but it left a memory inside Dragonite's head. It was most likely only now that Lance realized his temper, his emotions, got the better of him.
"They are…" Lance growled to himself, "my friends…" He spoke in a broken voice. This was it. His breaking point.
He just abused a Pokemon.
Could he even call himself the savior of Pokemon anymore? Did he even have the right to live anymore because of what he had done?
Only a month ago did he try to eliminate the human race because of their treatment of Pokemon. Now… he was no different.
Damn humans… so flawed in every aspect. Why were they even in existence?
Pokemon were so… flawless. Why wasn't he, Lance, born as one? Why was he born as a human? More importantly…
Why was he born at all?
Lance hung his head down and stared at the palms of his hands. The hands that harmed a Pokemon… the hands that nearly caused the near extinction of the human race… What good were they? What was his purpose?
"You have incredible power! Why do you use it for destruction?! Why do you use it for evil?!"
Evil? Is what he did truly evil?
"Your intentions were not truly evil but you just went about it the wrong way."
Even with that brat not here, Lance could still feel their presence. It is impossible for that child to follow him all the way out here. No. Their physical presence was not here; however, Yellow was here in a different sense and that disturbed Lance above all else.
"You have incredible power!"
Why was he granted such magnificent power anyways?
Lance could have sworn he was gifted these gifts because his task was to eliminate mankind off the face of the planet. He deduced that much because his powers benefitted Pokemon and not humans. Of course, he could have used it for man; but, Lance never went that route. He had decided he would never go down the path of helping his own filthy race.
Maybe he abused his powers in his own selfish desires.
What if his powers were not meant to destroy mankind? Why him of all people?
Lance felt himself slump against the rocky wall behind him. All of the post stress of his battle with that damned brat really got to him. He was starting to sweat profusely from that child's words and more importantly, the pain he inflicted on Larvitar.
"Pokemon aren't tools for killing!"
"Ha…" Lance chuckled to himself in a shaky tone. He wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to calm himself down. This entire month of being at Mt. Silver has not helped him one bit. It more or less has caused him to go a little insane.
Did he really use his Pokemon as nothing but tools?
If that was the case, then not only did he abuse a Pokemon just now… he abused Pokemon from these past few years. What's even worse is that it includes his Pokemon.
Did he really abuse his own Pokemon?
It was a realization Lance was starting to make. Was it his humanity that made him unconsciously do that? Is it because he's human he did what he did?
"Aren't Pokemon your friends too?!"
Lance quickly snapped his head up and towards his Pokemon. They were all watching him in the corner of the room. The young dragon trainer could see the worry in their eyes. He could also see something else… as well as feel what they were feeling.
Fear.
Why do they feel fear? Is it because of what he had done to the Larvitar? Did they not know that he did not mean to harm it? Why would they feel this way?
A small tear drop formed at the corner of Lance's eye. Dammit… why did he feel so… weak?
"If you care for Pokemon with a kind and gentle heart, then they'll always be your friends..."
Lance could hear the soft whispers of Yellow's words echo in his head. Did they not know how much he cares for Pokemon, especially when they are his Pokemon? Did he not have that kind and gentle heart towards them? Aren't they his friends most of all?
Did… did he not show it enough?
Once that question entered his mind, Lance felt his heart slow down to a normal rate. The raging questions and voices inside his head started to calm down one after the other.
Now… it was only his voice.
Did he really not show his affection towards his own Pokemon?
Lance slowly got up and approached his Pokemon. His Pokemon watched him with worry before they spread out so that they can fully surround their beloved master. He drew in a deep breath and, shakily, he spoke two words only his Pokemon could hear.
"I'm sorry…"
Those two words hit home for the Pokemon surrounding the young dragon trainer. For them, they had felt their heart breaking for so long. They knew of their trainer's heart. They knew he did care but… his actions spoke otherwise.
"I…" Lance started, "I know that for these past couple of years I have pushed you all past your capabilities." He could see flashbacks of their preparation to exterminate mankind, "For that… I am no different than the humans who mistreat and harm their Pokemon. I am no different than any abuser out there…" His voice started to get shaky while his hands started to tremble as he spoke these words.
"I… I treated all of you horribly…ignored you even…" He whispered, trying to keep his composure at the same time, "I…" Lance started once more before he cleared his throat, "Because of what I've done, if you don't accept my apology, then you can leave. I'll understand." He stated firmly as he looked at the Pokemon before him.
What would they choose? Were they really his friends? A better question would be…
Was he considered their friends?
Silence passed and it felt agonizing every second that passed that Lance did not get a response from his Pokemon. Eventually, Dragonite and Gyarados came up to him and nudged at their trainer lovingly. It did not take long before the other Pokemon followed their lead and embraced their trainer.
'It's ok…'
'Thank you Lance…'
'We love you too…'
Releasing a soft sigh, Lance felt a smile form on his face. Never in this past month or even past couple of years has he felt his heart lighten up. It had always been so… cold and distant. A flood of warm emotions long forgotten started to enter his body…
…and he liked it.
Is this what it meant to be human?
When was the last time he felt such warm feelings? Lance closed his eyes and started to silently ponder. When…?
…
…
Ah… at that time… when everything was free and innocent… when everything was simpler… his fondest memory.
How could he forget?
Lance shook away from his thoughts and refocused his attention back on his Pokemon, "Thank you for staying…" He whispered with full gratitude in his voice, "…my friends."
"…deep down… you're good person."
TBC
A/N: This was a very challenging and hard chapter to write I'll say. I promise the story will move along at a good pace! I hope this does not seem too quick with Lance starting to see the errors of his ways. I would take it a little slower had it not been in the manga Lance had realized one of his biggest mistakes from Yellow when he first met with Silver.
* Adding to my views on Lance, I would say he is a natural and talented genius. This leads to what I see as his greatest weakness: his pride. He also has a very cynical outlook on life and overconfidence in his decisions because he feels he is never wrong. Albeit, this major pride is balanced with his reflective nature as well as being… human.
Reponse(s):
* Jian-Kenkoku: Thank you very much! My intention on this story is to write what I think happened between the post-Yellow arc all the way to the HGSS arc since Lance's character took a complete 180 degree turn. Haha, I'll say that Lance has very interesting relationships with all types of trainers he encounters along the way.
* Anonymous: Thank you again for your interest!
- Pochi