DISCLAIMER: No matter how much I want it, I do not own Naruto. I am still only borrowing the characters and promise to return them in good condition – well, maybe slightly battered!

Chapter Eight:
It's not What You're Thinking

There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every step I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
~Tool~

Sasuke was only two steps his front door when he heard Naruto speak his name. He froze, listening, hoping that he and Sai were too engrossed in their conversation to hear or sense him loitering in the corridor.

"Thank god Sasuke isn't here."

"Yes, that would be unfortunate if he were to witness this. Are you certain you want me to pull it out?"

"Just do it already!"

"As you wish. Expect contact in 2.3 seconds. For your comfort, you may wish to brace yourself as the area of penetration will be sensitive."

Sasuke sank into a crouch, controlling his breath lest their sharp ears pick it up. He turned his head to one side and parted his teeth to increase the range of his own hearing. He edged closer to the door, fascinated.

There was a low groan and then a shouted, "Oh god, it hurts! Stop wiggling it! Pull it out, pull it out!"

"You may not be aware of this, but I have never done this before. It is wedged in there pretty tight. I believe it would be easier if you relax a little before I attempt to pull it out again."

"Oh god it's so big…"

Like being at the scene of a horrifying accident, Sasuke couldn't help but be transfixed. He leaned even closer to the door and pressed his ear to it, his face a mixture of revulsion and titillation.

"I cannot pull it out until you relax," reiterated Sai patiently despite Naruto's pained groans. "I think it was unwise of us to not use any sort of lubricant."

"I swear I'm never going to look at another pussy again after this." Naruto swore loudly, his expletives getting more colorful and imaginative as the seconds passed.

As Sasuke listened, he thought to himself that he would have to remember a few of them. They were really creative and perhaps even anatomically possible if enough force was applied.

"There," said Sai proudly, "How does that feel?"

"Oh, yeah… that feels so good."

At Naruto's moan, Sasuke couldn't take it anymore. He knew he was about to do the stupidest thing in his life, but he opened the door anyways.

…and saw something that would scar him much more than Orochimaru could ever have even dreamed.

~o~O~o~

Naruto looked up. Sasuke stood in the open doorway staring at the scene in front of him in shock; not that he blamed him, for he was standing in the living room with his pants around his ankles while Sai was kneeling in front of him.

All right. This looked incriminating. But there was an easy explanation.

He'd better think of it fast.

"It's not what you think!" shouted the blonde. "Really, it isn't! Sai was taking a claw out of my dick!"

"Delightful. Is that what they're calling it these days?"

~o~O~o~

The glow of the setting sun lit the sky and bathed the buildings in pale shades of red and orange as Sakura entered the boundary of the Yamanaka clan grounds. She had already gone to the hospital only to be told by one of the medics on duty that she had just missed Ino. It was the same story at the flower shop.

Her temper was at a fever pitch by the time she spotted long blonde hair and a short purple skirt. "Ino," she called out, "I've been looking for you everywhere!"

The blonde turned and began to greet her with a smile. "Hey you're back… and wearing Naruto's clothes?" Ino arched her eyebrow as she took in Sakura's appearance.

"It's not what you think."

"Uh huh…" she said doubtfully.

"No really," Sakura said, her tone turning defensive, "I lost my key so Naruto let me wait for you at his place, and then Sai came in with Hachiko who got me all dirty, so then I had to take a shower…"

"Save the excuses, Forehead," she interrupted and then gave a tart look before asking, "So… was he in the shower with you?"

"Pig!" Sakura's face turned an interesting shade of pink in embarrassment which clashed horribly with the ramen logoed shirt that was Naruto's.

"Oh come on, loosen up. You know I'm just kidding… unless of course, that's really what happened and in that case tell me all!"

"Just give me the damn key so I can go home and change into my own clothes."

"Oooh, somebody sure is in a bad mood." She linked her arms through Sakura's and started towards their shared apartment. "You might as well tell me everything because I'm not going to let up until you do."

With a deep sigh, Sakura rolled her eyes and told Ino about her mission, including her dreams as they walked along the tree lined pathways leading to their building.

As they stepped into their home, Sakura moved over to the couch and sat down with a long drawn out sigh. "Ino," she concluded, "I think you were right. I think that maybe I am in love with Naruto Uzumaki."

"Well, duh - I'm always right! So what's your problem? I already told you that he's in love with you too." Ino exclaimed as if it were old news.

"I don't know, I think you're wrong about that. Naruto and I are just friends. He hasn't tried to ask me out since we were kids," said Sakura stubbornly.

"Friends that can't keep their eyes off each other maybe; the last time we all went to the bar he practically peed on your leg to mark his territory when any guy asked you to dance."

"He was just being overprotective because he's my teammate."

Ino shook her head in frustration. She vowed to herself that she was going to make her best friend see the light. Mentally pushing up her sleeves, she said, "What about a few months ago when he had that date with Shio or Kishio or whatever the hell her name was; you just happened to need help on some new jutsu, which we all know you could have done himself. Anytime we all hang out together, it's as if the two of you are an old married couple. You eat off each other's plates, spar whenever you get the chance and spend all your free time together."

Sakura sat there in stunned silence. How could she have not seen it before now? They had become so comfortable with each other over the years that Sakura had missed all the signs. Now thinking back, he did seem to go out of his way to annoy Fuyuki; the man she had briefly dated. It was odd how Naruto seemed to dislike him. He usually got along with everyone.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Sakura asked as Ino just stared at her.

"Uh hello… I did…many times."

"So what do I do now? I can't just blurt it out like all those other women constantly do. If there's one thing I know about him, it's that he's not subtle. If he still has feelings for me he would have said something… wouldn't he?"

"Maybe he's just as afraid as you are."

"Tch… Naruto… afraid?"

"Well, why not? Look at you. Who would believe that you, Sakura Haruno, famed disciple of one the Legendary Sanin, would be too scared to tell him how you feel? It just so happens that I know something you don't."

Sakura rolled her eyes and shoved Ino playfully. "Yeah," she said, "and what's that?"

Ino stood up and walked over to a small table by the front door. She picked something up and brought it over to Sakura. "I was kind of hoping that you wouldn't be back in time and I could go instead. That's why I have this. Lady Tsunade gave it to me in case you weren't. Well," she added with a sigh, "It's yours and you definitely need it more than I do." She handed Sakura a tightly rolled paper.

"Is that a mission scroll?" Sakura asked curiously.

"Open and find out."

Sakura carefully opened the scroll and read its contents. "No way," she whispered. Her face flushed with pleasure and she asked, "Are you serious?"

"Yes, and you must know that I hate you now!"

"No way…" she said faintly.

"Yup, you're getting the Firefly mission."

The Firefly mission was coveted by every kunoichi in Konoha - and more than a few shinobi as well. It was a simple escort mission within the borders of the Land of Fire. But that wasn't what made it so special. Every year the Daimyo's head adviser would travel to Konoha for his yearly inspection and medical treatment for a rare lung disease.

The man owned many properties within the country including one called the Firefly spa. That was where he would meet the shinobi who were to escort him to the village. Although the man was very shrewd he was also quite gregarious. He always made several stops along the way to visit the other villages within the country, so he was known for being late by a week or two... or three. It was in essence a paid vacation to the most exclusive place in the Land of Fire.

The shinobi who were assigned the Firefly mission stayed for free at the spa. It was always two shinobi; a medic and a combat ninja.

Ino smiled at Sakura's pleasured squeal and then said, "Naruto is the second member of the team. He told me that Lady Tsunade wants him to go too because he will be dealing with this Lord Kumosaki a lot in the future as Hokage." Ino laughed, "She seems that think he might get the wrong impression of Naruto if he meets him here in Konoha. She also said that he's at his best when he's on a mission and people have time to get to know him."

"That's true," agreed Sakura with a fond smile. "Naruto certainly has a way of inspiring friendship and loyalty from nearly everyone he meets."

"Yeah," laughed Ino, "But you have to admit, he usually antagonizes them first!"

Sakura looked down at the scroll again and bit her lip in indecision. "I really want to go, but how is this going to help me?"

Ino rolled her eyes. "Are you kidding me?" she scoffed, "Two to possibly three weeks at one of the most beautiful and romantic places in the Land of Fire and you don't think something could happen? All of the spas are unisex and most are private," she gave a suggestive eye wiggle and then continued, "There's that huge festival going on and that dance…"

Ino gave Sakura a sly look and commented, "I'll bet that's probably why he recommended you as the medic."

"What makes you think it was he that asked for me to go?" Sakura shook her head and explained, " It was probably Lady Tsunade who requested me."

"I doubt that… or have you forgotten - Naruto's in charge of the missions."

Sakura was saved from having to respond by a soft knock at their front door. She hurried over to answer.

Sai stood at the entrance holding Hachiko. "Hag," he said with a nod. He looked over to the couch where Ino sat and said, "Beautiful," which caused her to bristle in indignation.

"Why you…!"

"Kill him later Ino, we just bought this pretty rug and blood is so hard to remove." As Sakura gathered the cat in her arms, she asked Sai hesitantly, "Is Naruto really okay?"

Sai gave a large, false smile and said, "I removed the claw; however, felines carry a lot of bacteria on them, which is why cat scratches itch so much. I intend on encouraging him to seek medical treatment. I believe there are several females at the hospital who would eagerly seize upon the opportunity to handle the future Hokage's penis."

Sakura calmly and silently began counting numbers, trying for fifty but getting no further than ten before exploding, "If he thinks that I'm gonna let some shameless little…! Oh um, you know what, that would probably be a very good idea. Tell him to ask for Sora. Sora is very nice and also one of the best medics on duty right now."

Sai nodded and turned to leave, but Sakura called out, "Wait!"

He turned and raised his eye brow. "I… um… uh…" Sakura visibly gulped and then stood tall, a determined gleam entered her eyes. "Can you tell Naruto that I want to treat him to dinner tomorrow at Ichiraku. Tell him to meet me there at six."

"Make it eight," shouted Ino.

As soon as Sakura shut the door, Ino smothered a laugh. "That was mean Sakura."

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Sora is a unisex name and all, but you know that they will be expecting him to be a woman."

"Well, he is very nice though… and I never actually said he was a woman. I'm sure Naruto would be much more comfortable having a man look at his… uh problem."

"Yeah," said Ino, no longer able to contain her giggles. "I'm so sure Naruto would much prefer a two hundred and fifty pound man with really bad breath and some sort of scary glandular disorder touching his dick."

"So why am I waiting until eight to meet him?"

AN:

Well everyone, I have something special to announce - and for all of you that have been following my work these past years, you know what I'm talking about - Yes, it is Omake time! An Omake is a side story that doesn't really fit in the story. I write them at request, or because there is side information that I believe will enhance my story, or because I just thought it would be funny. So, for those of you that really don't like them, then stop right here and give me a review telling me how awful I am. LOL

So a reader commented that he/she would like to see what happens when Naruto attempts to break up with his women (but I can't remember who… sorry!). I got to thinking about this too… how would he break up with his harem? Would he just say - hey, I don't want to see you anymore or would he want the girl to break up with him?

One last thing - We all know what a nice guy Naruto is and that he wouldn't want to hurt someone on purpose so don't get mad if you think he's being mean because he isn't - he's just clueless.

That being said, may I present:

Harem Heartbreak
~An Omake~

Naruto checked his list. Yes, he actually had a list. He wanted to make absolutely sure that he didn't forget anyone. The first name on it was Akira. He glanced at the clock on his wall and figured it was as good a time as any to go. He snatched the carefully worded letter from his table, shoved it into in an envelope, and put it in his back pocket.

It didn't take that long at all to arrive. He glanced all around before walking up to the front door. He took out the envelop and slid it under her door. He was pretty proud of the letter. In it, he had written how beautiful and sweet she was and how grateful he been to have spent such a wonderful time with her.

The door opened.

Akira face brightened in surprise to see her favorite blond haired shinobi at her home. Her eyes drifted down to the paper on the doorstep. "What's this?" she purred, "A love letter? How sweet!"

"Oh no… it's nothing," stammered Naruto. He tried to grab it back, but she held tight to it and then opened it. As she read it, her happy smile turned to a frown. When she looked back up, her eyes were blazing in anger. She clenched the letter tightly in her fist and swung.

Naruto stoically took the punch and said, "I-I-I'm really sorry Akira."

"A letter?" she hissed. "You are breaking up with me in a letter?"

"I didn't want to make you angry or hurt you."

She tore open the letter and read, "You know that I care for you. I just don't think it will be healthy for either of us to stay friends immediately after we break up. Hopefully sometime down the road, when we've both figured stuff out, we can get to that place."

"So," she yelled, "You're breaking up with me and you don't even want to say let's be friends?!"

"Well, you see… I just thought…" Naruto flinched as the door slammed shut and then ran as it opened and a huge, vicious ninken came running out with murder in his eyes.

"Well," thought Naruto as he ran for his life, "Kiba did warn me about Inuzuka women."

~o~O~o~

Naruto glanced down at his list and chewed his lip thoughtfully. Kamiko. Kamiko was a very easy-going girl. That in mind, he set off to find her using sage mode.

The sun was high in the sky when Kamiko exited the Anbu training grounds. Her work out complete, she and her squad were heading towards their barracks when she heard her code name being called. She smiled beneath her mask as the handsome, blue eyed shinobi came closer.

Just thinking about his tall, toned form made her whole body tingle… especially her ass. She just loved it when he spanked her ass.

"Naruto-kun," she said a little more breathlessly than she would have preferred in front of her teammates.

"Hey Special K! Can I speak with you a minute?"

"Sure," she said, stepping a few feet away from the others. She removed her mask and asked, "What's on your mind?"

"Well, I just wanted to say that this thing between us had been a lot of fun…"

"Had?" she interrupted.

"Well, um…"

"Had?!"

"Well," he said quickly, "we both agreed in the beginning that we weren't looking for anything serious."

"Oh, I see," she said icily, "So you're telling me that you no longer what to be involved with me, is that right?"

"Uh yeah. Wow, I knew you would be understanding about this."

"Oh I'm real understanding, Naruto Uzumaki."

"That's so great."

"Oh yes, I'm really understanding. I understand that you don't want to be with me anymore. I understand that you chose to tell me this in front of my friends and teammates."

"Uh-oh…" Naruto's eyes strayed to the group of Anbu standing several feet away. Although he couldn't see their faces, he knew that they were avidly listening in. His heart began to beat furiously.

"I understand that the reason why you are doing this is because you found someone to replace me with - someone you will commit to; something you wouldn't do with me."

"Look I'm really sorry Kamiko, but I never lied to you. You're the last person in the world who deserves this. But I've realized that I will never love you the way that you want me too. The one small good thing about this is that you can begin to find someone who can truly treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. I know you will find that person."

"Kimiko! My name is Kimiko!"

Damn, why can't I ever get that right?

Somehow he wasn't all that surprised when he heard the steel ring of the tantō as it was unsheathed, nor the 'whoosh' as it passed a breath away from his torso.

"Okay," thought Naruto to himself as he ran for his life, "Never break up with someone who has access to a lot of weapons and a private place to use them."

~o~O~o~

After visiting the hospital to get treated for a head injury, Naruto looked down at his list. Two left.

He knew at once who to visit next, if it wasn't taken care of yet. Ai. She was a civilian that worked at a ramen shop so he felt he would be safe from attack. He sat down under a large shade tree to figure out how to do this one. Writing a letter proved to be the wrong way to go about it. He absent-mindedly scratched at the bandage wrapped around his leg and thanked god once again that Inuzuka hounds had all their shots.

He definitely learned his lesson about telling a girl in front of her friends. That was definitely the wrong thing to do.

The overwhelming scent of a ramen invaded Naruto's senses. He inhaled deeply and felt his stomach gurgle in hunger. A wet noodle landed on his cheek and slid down to his lap. He looked up and began to laugh.

Sai was drenched in ramen broth and covered in noodles.

"What happened to you?"

"It would appear that you were erroneous and your assumption that your female companion would appreciate a third party informing her that she is no longer in a relationship."

"Huh… who knew," said Naruto innocently. "Ai is usually very pleasant."

"I believe that you committed yourself to an opinion without having sufficient evidence to support that opinion fully."

"Huh?"

"You guessed."

"It's not like they did it on purpose. You know that right?"

"Your past exploits suggest otherwise."

"Well, at least you smell good."

Sai reached into his pouch, pulled at a dripping book, and opened it. "Ah yes, here it is… Go fuck yourself."

~o~O~o~

Naruto nervously sat at the small, round table in the middle of the busy restaurant waiting for Minka. A part of him hated to do this because she really was a very sweet girl. A chunin kunoichi, she worked at the ninja academy as an instructor's assistant.

He barely waited five minutes before she showed up and joined him at the table. The food he ordered when he first arrived was sat down in front of them and they began to eat.

She eyed his dark gloves and asked, "Why haven't you taken those off?"

"It's really no big deal but my leprosy is acting up again. Hey, are you going to eat those dumplings?"

She gave Naruto a startled look and then pushed her plate towards him.

Casually he asked, "So all my friends at the gay bar said I should go through with the sex change, what do you think?"

She wasn't giggling when she slapped him.

"Well," he thought as he ran from the kunai wielding chunin, "at least that's all of them."

AN:

Thanks to everyone that followed/favorited/commented on the last chapter!

For this weeks recommendation, I have A Soul's Salvation by Lady Kogawolf Guidance comes from the last place Sakura expected, and now, she must walk a new path with surprising results. ~ I must say thank you to reader Logan Locke for telling me about this one. I read it a long time ago when I first started reading Fanfiction and I still remember it to this day. I didn't understand favoriting at the time, so I could never find it again. I'm so pleased to be able to recommend this one to you all! You won't regret reading it.

Ja Ne,

AZFAERYDUST