CHAPTER 10

This was too chaotic. I felt like being stabbed multiple times, all of my energy flying out of my body, my thoughts and feelings all out in the open. This was too much. I didn't ask for this, right? I didn't want this. I wanted a normal life, with a normal partner, not … not this … Whatever it was.

"Well, I'm so sorry for not living up to your normal standards!" Eren spat out, sarcasm filling his voice. I looked at him, noticing how his jaw was clenched and his hands had turned into fists.

"You're doing it again!" I yelled before grabbing a pillow and throwing it at him. "Stop it! Stop reading my mind!"

It hit him in the face, but there was no real impact since it was just a small, soft pillow. He caught it before it landed on the floor, and then proceeded to wrap his arms around it and pressing it against his chest.

"I'm sorry, I can't help it!" He cried out.

"What do you mean, you can't help it?!" I demanded to know, looking at him angrily.

"I can usually control it, but when I don't have my own emotions in check, I can't stop it from happened," He said, his voice finally lowering down. "And when – "

"No, stop!" I cut him off, not wanting to hear about it. "This is too surreal … " I whispered, mostly to myself, but Eren seemed to hear it as well.

"Well, I'm sorry if it doesn't seem to suit you!"

My anger rose up in me once again.

"I never asked for this, Eren!"

He looked at me for a very long time, silence surrounding us. His gaze caught mine, forcing me not to look anywhere else but into his beautiful, emerald green eyes. There was no fire in them anymore, making him look like he had almost given up. He breathed out loudly, a sigh fitting the situation.

"Do you really think that I did?"

That comment hit me like a wall, smashing me down when I just thought that I had gotten up. I felt all the air leave my lungs, as if someone had punched me in the stomach with insane strength.

Of course he hadn't asked for this, but that had never actually crossed my mind. I had only been thinking about how this had affected me, not giving him any thought at all. It was probably because I hadn't want to believe it before now, denying it until the end. So it had been impossible for me to think about something like that, when I wasn't even ready to accept its existence. But how had this really occurred? Had he been born with it, or did it just happen one day? Could he hear everyone's thoughts, and how could he hear them? Were they like voices inside his head, or did they sound like his own thoughts? What happened when people remembered their memories, while he was reading their minds? Would that be like watching a movie for Eren? Or what about distance? How far would you have to be from him to dodge his ability?

There was suddenly so many questions that I wanted to ask him. But now clearly wasn't the time, since I was still angry with him, and he was probably still very hurt and upset with me as well.

That reminded me. I had to clean up the mess I had made him believe.

"Eren," I started out, catching his attention. "I'm not cheating on you,"

He didn't answer, but his body revealed his answer though. He looked down, burying his face into the pillow, and that was when his whole body started to shake rather heavily.

As no one proceeded to speak, the only sound filling the room was his soundless crying. My own breathing became ragged as well, as I felt the tears filling the corners of my eyes as well.

No. I refuse to cry, I thought to myself, trying to blink the tears away. I did not succeed, as they escaped, falling down my cheeks.

Why did he have such impact on me? How could it be, that just watching Eren being hurt, was making me hurt as well?

Even worse was it, since I was the one doing the hurting. I released, how much I just wanted to reach out to him, take his hand, hold him, removing those tears from his eyes, remove all the hurt, all the lies, everything … But I couldn't. This was a mess that we both had made, and there was no way that we could fully repair it again.

"Eren,"

I tried reaching my hand out at him, but he lifted his head in time to see it, and then slapped it away violently.

"No … That is not okay … It is not okay … "

He wiped his cheeks with the end of his sleeves, though he was still panting and sobbing lowly.

"Then why did you keep thinking that? Why did you want to break up?"

I paused, before answering. Not because I didn't know the answer, but because explaining it further to him might anger him even more.

"I had to think like that to get you to tell me the truth! How else was I supposed to do?"

"HOW ABOUT FUCKING ASKING ME?!" He yelled, suddenly up on his feet again, now looking down at me. With my broken foot I would have a much harder time getting up, but the thought of him being able to storm out the door scared me enough to get up as well. I grabbed the sofa, pulling myself up with its help, so that I could look at Eren properly again.

"Would you have answered me honestly, if I did?" I asked, placing both hands at my hips, raising an eyebrow at him. "Besides, I couldn't do that – you had to tell me yourself! You had to confess to me what you did!"

"What I did?" He asked, confused by my words.

"Yes … What you did," I growled, clenching my hands into fists once more as the anger rose up inside me again. "Betraying me!"

He looked like something was stuck in his throat, as his eyes got larger and his mouth opening lightly.
"B-Betraying … " He mumbled, looking directly at me. "I-I suppose … I suppose that's true … "

I could see his brain working, how hard he was thinking this through … I didn't say anything else until he was ready again, as he probably needed to realise it before being able to continue this … Whatever it was.

"L-Levi – " He suddenly mumbled, walking towards me to destroy the distance between us. Now that he was closer, I noticed the changes in his face. He brows furrowing, his eyelashes wet from crying to the point where they were clutching together.

"I'm sorry … I'm so sorry … " He said, his voice breaking in the end, as he started to sob once more. Before I knew it, his arms were wrapping themselves around me in a tight embrace, Eren's face buried into my shoulder. I could feel his warmth, how his body felt against mine. He was shaking lightly as he continued to cry, but I couldn't force myself to place my arms around him. As much as I wanted to, there was something holding me back.

I rested my head against his, pressing my mouth and nose into that messy hair of his, trying to sniff out the familiar smell of Eren. It relaxed me instantly, and I closed my eyes for a long moment.

But as much as I enjoyed the smell of him, and the way it felt to be touched by him … As much as I loved having him near, and seeing his face … As much as I loved these things, it seemed that they angered me horribly as well. There was a fine line between love and hate, and right now I was still bending in the wrong direction – but it was that direction no less, there was no denying that.

How much love I still had for Eren, the feeling of betrayal and anger still overshadowed that love.

I was unable to still be with him like this, when I was feeling like this … But then again. Would that feeling ever go away?

Would I ever be able to forgive him?
Eren was still silently chanting the words 'I'm sorry' into my shirts fabric, and I could feel how his tears was making it all wet. I grabbed his upper arms, forcing him away from me, and he looked at me with big eyes.

"L-Levi … ?"

As I looked at him now, I was suddenly reminded that he was still young. Much younger than me even. Of course he was going to make mistakes, how could I punish him for that?

No. No matter what, he still had to understand the consequences.

As I started opening my mouth, Eren quickly cut me off.

"I'm so sorry, Levi! I never wanted it to get so far, but I didn't know if I could tell you, but I wanted to, but I didn't know how you were going to react! I wanted to tell you from the beginning, but I was afraid that you would think I was some kind of freak, that I was disgusting or a monster … Every time I told somebody, they all just left me behind, they all started to hate me … " With these words, Eren fell to the ground, landing on his knees. He grabbed the fabric of my pants, pressing his forehead against my left leg.

"P-Please, Levi … I just didn't want you to hate me as well … I was so afraid, that … That … "

That I would do exactly was I was doing right now?

My heart ached, seeing him like this. He looked so hurt, so broken … How could I possibly do what I was planning on doing now?

His hands tightened around the fabric as a reaction, making me realise that he was probably still able to hear my thoughts.

He knew.

He knew what I wanted. He knew what was about to happen.

"... Please don't leave me … " He weeped, his shoulder shaking. I placed both hands on them to ease him, as I got down on my good knee to be at the same height as him. He was unable to look at me, so I moved both hands up to cup his face. At last he lifted his face to look me in the eyes.

I wanted to tell him I was sorry. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to throw him out. I wanted not to be such a mess. I wanted to keep my feelings in check.

I wanted my privacy back.

There was still things I wanted to say to him, but I couldn't find the words any more. I wanted to tell him that it was over, but I still loved him. I wanted to explain to him why this was ending the way it was, but even I didn't exactly know why.

Why …

Why?

I leaned in, pressing my lips against his in a gentle manner. He returned it in the same soft way, afraid to push it further than I would allow.

I'm sorry, I thought, and it wasn't long after that I could taste how the salty tears mixed themselves into our kiss.

I wasn't even sure whom they belonged to anymore, though it didn't really matter.

This was a goodbye kiss.

I feel like I need to clear this up, so if any of you are still wondering 'Why did Levi do it like that?', here's your answer:

Why does Levi go to such extent? Why didn't he just ask Eren about it normally?

Because this is so big. It's not like asking 'did you take 5 dollars from my wallet?' no - it is a huge lie. Levi is not one to just open his heart to anyone – Eren is one of the few. And therefore Levi feels like Eren has betrayed him tremendeously. Because if it is true, then it was happening from the very start – that means that the grounds that they build their relationship on, was a lie as well.

Levi really cares about personal space and trust, and Eren really crossed the line with both. How is Levi supposed to feel comfortable in his own body, if he feels like he can't do anything without Eren knowing?

Levi is very good at covering up how he is feeling, and there is a reason for wanting to hide his true emotions – or lower them at least. So the fact that all of his emotions are out in the open, really scares Levi.

It scares him so much, that he ended up going so far with wanting Eren to confess it to him.

Well, to end on another note ... I hope I didn't ruin your Christmas! If I did, then at least let me try to cheer you up by telling you that there will already be a new chapter out before this year ends! And it won't be a sad one!