A/N: Buckle up, kiddos, I'm coming out of the box swinging. Figured I'd destroy your souls and then slowly put them back together again. Hope thats okay. This one began relatively innocuously with me just wondering if the Flash crew were going to be told about Oliver.

And then this happened. Please let me know what you think.

The phone rang three times before it was picked up.

"Felicity, hi! I'm so glad you called. I've been wondering if you found any matches with those markers…" Caitlin's voice trailed off as Felicity gave one, inelegant sniff, not even bothering to wipe her face.

The shadows stretched long in her darkened apartment, hiding the used tissues, forgotten wine bottles, and the glass that sat stained and empty on the table in front of her.

With her head spinning, ears buzzing from too much alcohol and not enough food she didn't quite notice at first that her friend had stopped talking. She wasn't even sure how or why she'd called other than it had seemed like a good idea at the time.

"Felicity…" Caitlin tried again, an edge of worry creeping into her voice, "Is everything okay?"

"How do you do it?" she blurted out, hollow and forlorn, "How do you keep getting up every day? Get dressed? Brush your teeth? How does-" her words choked off as her throat grew tight and she took a great gasp of air in before she continued, "How does the world just keep...going when he's not here any more?"

"What's happened?"

"He's gone...he's gone and he's not coming back this time. He always comes back. It's his thing and he was good at it. But...he's not and...I don't know how to do this." Felicity shifted in her seat, legs curling under her as tight as they could, as if by taking up less space there was less of her to hurt, "I need you to tell me how to do it. Because...I don't know."

"Felicity...please...you're worrying me, who's gone?" there was muffled talking on the other end of the line but she didn't pay it any attention, "Barry's here. Do you need him to come get you?"

"Oliver's dead."

She said it quick and harsh, the same way it had been told to her. The same way those two words still echoed in her head on repeat and had been for the past three days.

The next voice on the line was Barry's and she knew she should feel bad at his pained "What!?" but she couldn't. She was numb to everything just then but the thudding, ache behind her ribs that used to be her heart.

"Oliver's dead. Yup. Stabbed through the chest and thrown off a mountain so...he's not coming back from that this time. Can I talk to Caitlin though, because I need her to tell me how she did it. I need to know how I'm supposed to live like this. None of it makes any sense."

The sobs she'd been trying so hard to contain burst past her lips and for a few long moments she didn't hear a thing as the phone sank to her lap while she wept.

Her name being shouted caught her attention and when she brought it back to her ear Caitlin was on the line. "Felicity, where are you?"

"My apartment," she answered, words slurring.

"Is Mr. Diggle there with you?"

"Nope. Kicked him out yesterday. Used my loud voice and everything."

"Okay, just...we'll be there in a second,"

True to her word the line hadn't even disconnected before the door handle fell to the floor with a clatter and Caitlin and Barry were stepping inside.

She didn't look up until Barry's red gloved fingers slipped the phone from her hands, causing her to gasp as her eyes flew to his. The sight of his masked face sent a slash of pain straight through her, "No suits," she managed to whisper, "Please...no suits...I can't,"

He stilled and then vanished as Caitlin sank cautiously onto the couch next to her, one hand laying gently on her back. When he returned he did so quietly, wearing jeans and a sweater and she heard him moving behind her, the soft glow of a lamp being turned on illuminating the room she'd barely looked at in days.

Then Barry was kneeling before her again, his hands balled into fists and she was glad he didn't try to touch her. She thought she might fly apart if he did.

"Felicity...what happened?"

"He's gone," she said thickly, "Just...gone."

Barry's head dropped as he rubbed his eyes and she could hear Caitlin's shallow breaths to her right, but she had nothing left in her to give.

In a flat, monotone voice she told them everything. How the DNA pointed to Oliver. How Ra's al Ghul had threatened the city. How Oliver was doing it all to protect his sister. How she'd waited for two days in the foundry until a man they'd never met before showed up with Oliver's things and the news of what had happened on that mountain.

Barry fell back on his heels, unable to comprehend that the man he considered a friend and a mentor was gone, but it was Caitlin who reached over and took her hand in a strong grip and began to speak.

"You wanted to know how you do it? You don't. Half your soul is missing so the person you used to be...she's not there any more. You have to find a new way, with this new you. One who is always going to be looking over your shoulder trying to catch a glimpse of who you used to be. You keep moving. You keep fighting because it's what you have to do. You don't have a choice," her voice cracked and Felicity felt the steady stream of tears flowing down her face as a soft hand stroked over her hair, "Some days are almost normal, and others are so bad you don't know how you survived as long as you did without him. You can't even breathe so how are you supposed to do anything else?"

Felicity nodded as she spoke because she felt it in her bones. The loss, the ache, the specter of his memory closing around her like a shroud and it was too heavy for her to carry.

A warm hand on her knee made her lift her head to see Barry staring at her with red-rimmed eyes.

"I'm so, so sorry," he said sadly.

"Me too," she mouthed, "I never told him-"

"He knew," Barry interjected almost fiercely, "He knew. You have to believe that."

She bit her lip and dipped her chin, the grief filling her veins once again until she thought she might explode.

"I'll help...any way I can. You know I can be here in an instant. The only reason I'm doing what I'm doing is because Oliver showed me how. The least I can do is help protect his city in his memory."

"Of course we'll help, anything you need Felicity you just have to ask."

"I just want him back," she replied brokenly, "Can you do that?"

As Caitlin gathered her into a hug she heard Barry blow out a long breath before climbing to his feet. "I'll go see Roy and Digg...I'm...I wish I could fix this, Felicity."

Felicity turned into her friend's embrace, letting her eyes fall shut as the heartache and wine washed over her.

"There are some things worse than death," Caitlin whispered so quietly she almost didn't hear her. Something in the way she said it made Felicity's brow furrow, but Caitlin cleared her throat and pushed on.

"Being left behind, and having to find a way to keep on living. If I ever figure it out I'll let you know."