Call Him Aidan
Chapter Two
The Beginning:
Arrivals Are Supposed to be Joyous
Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of its affiliated characters. Any additional characters or situations created within this work of fiction are figments of my imagination and intended to bear no resemblance to any real persons or their circumstances.
"I feel bad for wishing, for dreaming too much. For hoping for anything other than a healthy child."-Olivia
Premature labour was not something she believed she'd ever have to think about in her life, never mind having to go through it with her own wife. In the depth of her heart, (a part of herself which she often shielded from the rest of humanity, minus a select few) Olivia Benson had felt the desire to be a mother. It had changed from a desire to much more of a pull when she'd become a part of the Special Victims Unit. Seeing the way so many children were treated, the injustice they were often dealt and living with the effects the tumultuous relationship with her own mother had left had all taught her what not to do and shown her clearly what she didn't want to be.
As much as the desire was present, in earlier years motherhood was not something she contemplated heavily or continually. With her volatile home life, days fluctuating mercilessly between hopeful and hopeless, (much more frequently erring on the side of hopeless, as she recalled) she hadn't much time for boyfriends. Actually she hadn't much time for any significant other at all, gender aside. She'd never had more than one night, no strings attached sort of arrangements with any woman before Amanda, and though she'd been open to the possibility of falling in love, she'd never expected it. Between the gruelling hours of the job, with the toll it took on her body and her spirit, and her pessimistic ideas of love, the desire she had to be a mother stayed in the back of her mind as just that- desire. One that she often thought would always lack tangibility and remain a fantasy.
The admission of feelings for one another and the growth of a relationship between herself and Amanda Rollins did not happen easily or quickly; then again, nothing that was said to be worth it ever did. Both of them were extremely guarded in their own ways, for reasons that were somewhat similar, yet also entirely different. Neither of them had really fallen in love before letting their walls down with each other, and because of this had fought hard against allowing themselves to do so. It was a slow and tedious process, learning to love another person. Not just embracing the good, but learning the bad, and embracing it just as readily; understanding all their quirky little habits, likes and dislikes, all the things that make them tick. Spending time enough around them to learn, while also getting under their skin just enough to expose and understand what needs to be understood. Communicating effectively, even when you don't have the energy, smiling when you don't want to, and laughing when you don't think you have it in you. These were all things they had learned to do over a period of dating and living together and the acquisition of knowledge and confidence in themselves and one another had led to their eventual marriage.
In the beginning, it had felt for both of the two women that the 'honeymoon phase' of their marriage would never end. They were happier than they'd both ever imagined being, despite some of the disapproval they'd received from outsiders and certain people in their lives with regards to their relationship. They'd managed to work through everything and became stronger as a unit as they did it. Only during this blissfully happy time, did Olivia begin to seriously contemplate the idea of a child coming into their lives. Being aware of the difficulties and challenges that may be ahead of them in regards to conceiving, she tried not to allow herself to get too excited before it was really happening. Both women knew entirely too well what it felt like when one thing after another failed to work in their favour, and because of this, thought of themselves as realists.
Eventually, it had worked in their favour, and they'd both gotten excited much more quickly than they wanted to or believed they would. They began telling people sooner than maybe they should have, but everyone had shared in their excitement and had assured them that they'd both be amazing parents. The procedures had not been cheap, but the happiness they'd felt the moment they'd realized it had taken and how it had intensified even more when they'd gotten past the 'out of the woods' stage, (or so they thought) had made it all worth it.
The moments in which she'd sat by her wife's head as she lay helplessly on the operating table being prepped for a C-section and waited for their son to make his appearance long before it was due, she'd chastised herself for being happy, for thinking that they were finally in the clear, that nothing like this could happen to them. Things like this always happened to them. She knew better than anyone with the horrors her eyes had unfortunately been permitted to see that life didn't discriminate. She'd allowed elation to carry her to heights that were too high, and this fall back down to reality had come harder than any one before it.
"I'm scared."
"I know honey, me too. But I'm right here. We can be scared together. I'm not going anywhere."
"You promise?"
"I swear on my life."
They say that in times of crisis, the strongest of people go into survival mode. They don't think, don't feel, just have a primal instinct to do what needs to be done at all costs and propel themselves forward into doing it. In these terrifying moments, Olivia Benson was no exception. Everything around her was blocked out, the sounds of the doctors, the smells of the room; she fixated herself on her wife, doing whatever she knew how to do to reassure her that she was there, that it would be okay, even if she had no control over whether it was or wasn't. Even if she was terrified beyond anything she'd ever known inside herself.
They'd whisked him away to the NICU without either of his mothers being permitted to touch him. All they were given in the midst of chaos was that Amanda's hunch had been right, and it was a boy. Olivia's mind was spinning, and the blonde lay on the cold metal table a blubbering emotional mess. Neither of them could pick up on any medical jargon that was being spewed their way as their son, tinier than anything either of them had ever seen, was moved quickly away from them. So quickly, that if they'd blinked, they'd have questioned if he'd been there at all.
"Are you okay?" The blonde's voice was hollow, empty, and made her seem smaller than Olivia knew she was.
She knew she wasn't, but that what she was feeling couldn't be articulated with just a simple yes or no.
"I feel bad for wishing, for dreaming too much. For hoping for anything other than a healthy child."
She didn't expect the blonde to have words that would suffice as comfort, but the look in her eyes said that she understood.
As Olivia ran her fingers through her hair and tried unsuccessfully to suppress tears that threatened to fall, she couldn't help but think that they'd both been robbed of something they'd never get back. This was their first child, and arrivals were supposed to be joyous.