The house was unusually calm and stayed unusually clean with Tobi, Deidara and Hidan gone. While I admitted I missed them, I did not miss the extra work I did for them.
Deidara had been gone about a week with no clues, no hints, and Sasori's car assumably accompanied him. Not only did he have a warrant for auto theft, but we'd also filled out a missing persons. Sasori wouldn't keep paying his way if he wasn't here, so I was eventually informed of some boxes in the basement. If worse came to worse, Deidara would no longer be occupying his room upstairs.
Tobi had been gone the same amount of time, though I didn't ask how his aunt and uncle handled it. Hidan passed by here and there to get some things, he was slowly but surely moving out too. I surmised something had changed with that woman, either they weren't just friends anymore or she was very sick, and by the smilie on his face I assumed it was the first.
Kakuzu had taped a note to my door Tuesday morning when I woke up, asking that I organize a section of the garage for whatever reason. He didn't say why.
Id never been in the garage before, so it was an interesting time fumbling for a light switch to find the garage door opener. The place was trashed, filled with old boxes full of things from past and present tenants. Names were conveniently labeled on the boxes, lucky for me, so I hauled them out into the front lawn to sort later and retrieved more boxes from the basement to hold the leftover junk.
The back wall was to be shelving, but it was currently empty. It was my job to put to shelving up, assembling the locking, PVC plastic, five level storage racks in a little under an hour. The organization of the boxes depended on how well I liked the people, for instance tall Hidan's shit got shoved on the bottom shelf, just to inconvenience him, however Sasori's single box got a nice eye level spot. I found hooks and hung up tools after clearing off a work bench, washed the windows and then thought to look at the floor. Apparently they'd worked on cars here before, because there was an old oil spill that'd never been cleaned up and dry antifreeze along with other mystery liquids staining the floor. Id get to them after lunch, Id earned it after working all morning.
I washed my hands repeatedly in the kitchen sink before I went to the fridge to find one thing to munch on, deciding on cold pizza and some half flat pop, but after Id sat down at the kitchen table with it, I realized I wasn't hungry. I watched out the kitchen window over the sink, waiting for Deidara to walk though that back gate, laughing with Tobi the whole time, problem solved but he never did.
I wondered if Deidara had shown up for work today, though he hadn't the last week, so I had no reason to think he would but I had hope, so I decided to call Sasori at work, fully aware he wouldn't be able to talk long. His nephew answered the phone but quickly handed it over to his uncle.
"Hello?" He asked in a way that made me think he knew it was me.
"Hi," I greeted, a smile creeping up onto my face.
"Hello there," he sounded like he was smiling too.
"I was just wondering if Deidara showed up today?" The line was quiet a moment before he answered me.
"Not today," he sighed, "your really worried about him hm?"
"I am," I replied, licking my suddenly dry lips, "but whatever, I mean I'm sure he's fine. How are you doing?"
"Fine, today's been unusually slow, I've mostly been working in the back," he returned, meaning he'd been working on the marionettes. I imagined him with that cute look he got on his face when he was frustrated, rasp in hand and sawdust in his hair. I didn't reply to him, using that image to get my missing 'younger brother' off my mind.
"I've got to go now, Gaara dropped something. I'll see you at home, good bye," Sasori replied and I hung up. I sat back in the chair a while longer. Id need kitty litter to clean up the oil and it wasn't like I could work around it, so I decided to just stay put since we didn't have a cat or litter.
It was such a lovely summer day, I should be out enjoying it. The grass in the yard was short, Id cut it yesterday, so I thought maybe Id lay down and cloud watch for a while.
Id just gotten up to take care of my plate when I heard a knock at the door. I litterally dropped what I was doing to answer it, only to find Sasuke's girlfriend on our front porch and not Deidara. I gave her a fake smilie and welcomed her, her boyfriend flying down the steps minutes later. They kissed and hugged, not something I much cared to see right now with my own love life up in the air, so I turned around to walk away when the red headed girlfriend caught my arm.
"Wait a second, I remember you. You came to see my foster dad, I'm suppose to ask how you were doing."
"Fine," I smiled, "just fine, the medicine helped a lot."
"Are you sure? You didn't look so happy when you opened the door," she offered. Oh come on, I groaned mentally.
"Yes, I'm fine, I'm just worried is all."
"Are you guys still looking for Deidara?" Sasuke asked and I nodded. He wouldn't have known since he steered clear of pretty much everyone. "I know where he is."
My eyes widened and I gave him a look like he was stupid, "where?"
"He's parked at the campground. We saw him the other day when we uh," he trailed off. I'm sure whatever they were doing I would not approve of, and it was best he shut up.
"Don't you think it would have been good to tell me that days ago?" I asked, he shrugged. Of course not. I waved them off as I walked back to the kitchen and I heard the door shut as they left. I was on the phone again moments later, but this time no one answered. I tried another three times before I gave up, didn't he know this was urgent?
I started to panic again despite my medicine, and forced myself to take another half of a pill, and after that I sort of felt dead. I was unable to get off the couch but I was also unable to think about anything. I supposed that was a good thing, it was the entire point of the meds.i passed in and out of sleep for hours until the tenants started in the door.
Kisame shook my shoulder, pulling me out of my drug induced slumber. My eyes focused in and out until they settled on his face, which was fine except there were two of him. He snapped his fingers a few times in front of my face but it didn't do anything to help.
"Kimi, wake up," I heard him say, and at first he sounded like he was talking though a tube.
"I'm awake," I mumbled, "not used to the, uh, the medicine."
"Hey, Sasori, I got her up," Kisame said, his voice clearer, he walked away and Sasori took his place.
"You cannot keep calling me at work, what is it you wanted?" he spat, but I was in no mood.
"For your information," I huffed, "I found Deidara."
His features changed from hard and angry to interested, eyebrows raised. "Oh."
"I guess he's at the campground, where ever that is." I scowled, not feeling so well at the moment. Had I fallen asleep sitting up?
"I'll go and get him," Sasori said, my vision becoming clearer too. I shook my head and stood up on unsteady legs.
"No, your just gonna yell at him and make it worse," I explained, but that served only to annoy him.
"He is not my son, he is not your son either. We are not concerned with making it worse, I am not concerned with his comfort, I've told him before I am finished with his foolishness, It's not up to you or I to raise him."
"Oh my god," I groaned, "he's a run away, nothing means anything to him!"
He looked taken back. How could that be when he'd known the blonde longer than I had? He was so set in his ways, so resistant and cold, of course I understood better. I felt close to Deidara, closer than I had to any friend Id ever had, and I knew letting Sasori yell at him like he had the other night was not the answer. I didn't particularly have any skills talking with people, in fact I usually tried to avoid it, but with no other choice I had to step up.
"What is this really about?" The red head asked.
"You, I guess, I dunno," I replied, not totally aware of what I was saying or how it sounded.
"Fine, lets go. You talk him out of it if you know so much," he spat and I reached out for his hand to steady myself. I needed his help to get to the car and once I was in, I began planning what I was going to say. I should tell him I loved him, like a brother anyway, and I should tell him that everything was going to be fine, that everything would work out. But then I thought to tell Sasori something before he found out on his own.
"Sasori," I murmured, "you know he's dating your niece right?"
"Nonsense, Temari's boyfriend picks her up every day from the store," Sasori answered. That didn't make sense.
"What?" I asked, "he told me that..." I trailed off, wait, what had he told me? He'd never said he and Temari dated, Id said that hadn't I?
"Deidara is gay, did you not know that?" He replied, sparring me a glance as he turned a corner. My mouth fell open. Jesus, had I been that dense not to see it before? Everything made sense now, the argument, the huge ass hickey, his unwavering tolerance for the older man.
"Oh my god," I muttered. I felt like an idiot.
"What did you mean earlier when you said this was about me?" He asked, driving out of the suburbs and into the country side.
"I dunno," I muttered, "sometimes I just think that you think uh... That you get so caught up thinking you know that you miss stuff. You were afraid I was going to be too immature for you, do you still think I'm immature?"
"Not as much as I used to," he smirked, I returned it sort of coy.
We arrived at the campground, I discovered it was little more than a clearing on the side of the land locked lake. The famed beach was on the other side. Sasori told me teenagers came to this spot to hang out often, but he never imagined that Deidara would come here. Sure enough he'd parked Sasori's car on the tree line, and he sat backwards on the hood facing the lake. I got out, leaving Sasori in the car and approached him, his blonde hair catching the wind. The air smelled like lake water and pine and the view here was killer. He must have heard me as my feet crunched the loose rock that covered the ground and turned to look at me.
"Hey," I greated lamely, pressing my lips into a thin line.
"Hey," he murmured, turning back to the lake and hoping Id go away.
"You look like one of your paintings sitting out here all alone," I remarked, looking out over the water too.
"Sure," he agreed, his tone lifeless and sad. He'd been sitting on all these emotions for a week and I figured he was about ready to explode.
"What was it about?" I asked, referencing the fight and seating myself on the car hood too.
"I dunno. His old girlfriend came around and he, I dunno, he's still in love with her."
"But isn't he with you?" I asked, and his head snapped in my direction, his visible eye widening in fear. I jutted my thumb in the direction Id just came and he put his head in his hands.
"You don't know what it's like. Tobi can't tell his aunt and uncle, he can't tell his parents, it's like he's ashamed! He has to hide me! He's better off with that girl," he whipped his eyes a few times and sniffled, face reddening as a few tears streaked down his face, "he choose her over me before."
"Anybody who can't love you for who you are isn't worth being around. If he has to act like that then he's not worth your time. It sounds like he's not worth your time anyway," I told him, ignoring my own comfort for his and wrapped him in a tight hug. His arms tangled around me and he clung to my chest. I pressed his head into my shoulder as he started to cry and held him there. I suspected he'd never had anyone like me to be there for him before. He didn't have to hide himself to me anymore.
"Come home, please. It's so empty without you there," I tried to soothe him. He only hugged me tighter. We sat there a while longer, watching the sun go down over gently lapping waves. He expressed to me he wanted to go home, badly, and we left. He wanted to ride alone with Sasori and I let him, thinking letting him have a man to man talk would be good.
When we arrived home I went to the couch to lay down and have a drink while Sasori called the police about his no longer stolen car and Deidara found his way to the kitchen to eat something decent for the first time in a week. I nodded off for a while, probably about an hour and a half of dreamless sleep before my not so boyfriend let himself into the room.
I felt him take the cup of vodka from my hand and set it on the coffee table and that was enough to wake me up.
"Kakuzu will have a fit if you stain the sofa," he smirked, seating himself beside me. I hadn't drank enough to even give me a buzz, but I felt funny because of the way the alcohol and medicine mixed. I supposed he just wanted to spend some time together, so I shifted myself to lean on his shoulder.
"Your ball of sunshine is in bed, I suppose everything is right in the world," I heard him say. God he was so warm.
"Good," I replied, snuggling into him a little further. His land lay in his lap and I took it, running my thumb over his fingers gently. Not only was he warm, but he smelled nice, like pine from the shop and a little cologne. His hands were always soft, which I found surprising for as much as he did with them.
I started daydreaming, thinking how nice this felt and how nice it would feel to do this forever. I was in love with this man, all by accident. A boy not much older than myself had taken it upon himself to play Cupid and as much as I resisted it, I liked it. I liked him, and I felt confident now he felt the same way about me. We sat in silence, watching the muted TV before he got up, without even saying a word and started to leave the room.
"Wait, wait, where are you going?" I asked, forced to sit up now Id nearly fallen over.
"Bed," he answered very plainly.
"Your not even going to say goodbye?" I asked, confused. He shook his head.
"I've got to go, I'm sorry," he replied, and hurriedly left the room. Hold on just a damn second!
I downed my drink, taking the bottle and myself upstairs. I knocked on his door, knowing something was wrong, but he didn't answer. I saw the light on under the door but I was afraid to knock again in case Kakuzu came out of his room and raised holy hell. I felt bad, but it was clear he felt worse. Something was wrong, there was some reason he reacted this way, something happened in his head every time we got close. He had a reason he ran away, he wasn't just cold.
I was starting to feel funny again, and my brain was screaming at me to go lay down, to go to sleep, but I couldn't do that, not with him hurting. I tried the door knob, and after finding it unlocked I turned it, and pushed open the door.
Sasori was sitting on the edge of his head, a hand on either side of his head, fingers fisted in his hair. He was sort of slumped over, elbows resting on his thighs and I thought he might be shaking.
"Sasori," I murmured, stepping into the room and closing the door behind me.
"Go away, please go away, I'm not in the mood," he growled, flashing me a dangerous look. Something held Sasori back from being close to me, from being close to Deidara. I couldn't judge on his relationship with everyone, but in my experience he treated everyone the same, constantly keeping them at a distance, but it was me he pushed away. This entire ordeal tonight was about me, it was about us.
"I don't really care," I replied as I came closer and touched my hand to his shoulder, he reached across his chest to hold it.
"I can't handle this tonight, please go away," he sighed, pushing my hand away.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I offered again but he shook his head.
"No, thank you," he answered, raking his hand though his hair, "it'd be better if you just left."
I wanted to tell him how I felt so he would know that no matter what happened I wanted to be at his side. I was a god damn coward, standing there with my mouth open but no words coming out. Tell him now or never. I swallowed hard and tried again, but the words that came out where not the ones Id hoped.
"I don't want to."
He looked up, moving smoothly and gracefully to sit up straight and make eye contact with me, his face twisted in an expression that begged the question, just what the hell was I trying to say? I cleared my throat and got a grip.
"I don't want to leave, I want to stay with you. Sasori I," I murmured. I watched his eyes widen and he sort of leaned away from me, as if the words coming next were reaching for him and he wanted to stay just out of their grasp.
"I love you."
He stared at me for a long time and I stared back. His russet colored irises looked empty and his jaw was slack. He looked sort of like his brain had crashed and I watched slowly as it restarted.
"You don't love me, you love the idea of me," he growled. His words stung.
"Don't twist my words. I do love you. I know because I have never felt this way about another person," I answered. I didn't expect him to understand how anxiety worked. I felt like people judged me no matter what I did, I felt like making connections with people did more harm than good. I felt alone and claustrophobic in a room full of people, it was a miracle I was able to make friends when so many others with my same condition couldn't even forum a coherent conversation.
"You aren't sober. I watched you drink tonight, your lying," he accused, but I shook my head.
"Im not sober, but I'm not drunk either," I replied. He reached for the bottle in my hand took a swig after I let him have it. There hasn't been much in it to begin with, if he drank the rest he might end up with a buzz, but he didn't appear to want anymore of the bitter tasting liquid. He only watched it as he sloshed it around the bottom of the bottle.
"Why? Why are you still bothering if Tobi isn't here anymore?" He asked, clearing the bottle and tossing the empty remains across the room.
"Because Tobi doesn't matter. It's not about what he wants anymore," I told him. He looked at me with distain, narrowing his eyes and scowling. I watched as he relaxed, the lazy expression returning to his features.
"You can leave now," he droned, "you've paid back your debt to me. That's all you were after right? So you don't feel guilty?"
"No, that's not why I'm here . I already told you," I said very plainly, "what is it you want me to say? What words do I have to use to make you understand?"
"I don't want to hear anything. I especially don't want to hear you tell me that you love me. It's disgusting!" The red head laughed, a strange smilie ghosting over his lips.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" I shouted, "what is it, that, that, you always do this! We can have a nice night and then you self destruct! I want to help you!"
"Fuck off!" He shouted back, "as if you could understand!"
"I could try," I glowered, struggling to stay calm. My head was spinning faster and faster and I knew I couldn't keep this up much longer.
"You can't understand. You and I are different people. Everyone that has ever meant anything to me has..." He trailed off, "never mind. Just, nevermind. We'll talk more in the morning."
I could settle for that I decided and turned to leave.
"Where are you going?" He asked, sliding himself all the way onto the bed. He stayed to the left, implying he'd left the right side for me, "get the lights will you?"
I smiled and did as he asked, deciding that we weren't that different after all. He too sought comfort in companionship. I hit the mattress and promptly passed out.
The next morning the fuzzy feeling was gone, but Sasori had stayed. As I gained awareness of my surroundings, I could still feel him, warm as ever laying next to me. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes and slowly sat up so as not to wake him. The clock on the wall read eleven thirty five, meaning we'd both slept in.
"Sasori, your late for work," I said, shaking him awake. His eyes opened and his bronze colored orbs came to rest on me.
"Your late!" I repeated, but he only sat up, shook his head and yawned.
"I'm not late. I'm doing some errands today, Deidara went along ahead of me to the store," he answered, scratching his head. He'd sleep on his side, so his bed head was matted down the right. I sighed, quite relieved that I hadn't caused any problems by staying over. He'd never say it to my face but he was glad I had slept over. He was glad Id stuck by him.
"Kimi," he mumbled, "let's not bring last night up again alright?"
"Okay," I smiled, "you can tell me when your ready."
He rolled his eyes, he didn't want to tell me about it at all. He was on his feet after, going to the closet to find cloths for the day.
"Kimi, you've got to get dressed and get ready too. I simply cannot take my new girlfriend out to lunch in her pajamas," he said, draping his pants and a belt over his left arm. My face lit up.
"Hurry up," he urged, "we've already wasted half of the day."
Reluctantly I got up, having been reminded that Sasori was still Sasori, no matter my connection with him.