Note: I do not own Bates Motel or any of the characters. Sorry about that, it's fixed now...I guess that's what happens when don't pay enough attention, so just listen to some Dashboard while reading ;)
I am alive. Truly, fully, emboldened from this night. I drive, I feel like I'm flying, to I don't even know where. All I know is I can feel his hands on me still. Tracing invisible patterns through my skin, searing into my soul. He is all I wish to know. I can hardly stop myself from smiling. It's amazing the kind of clarity you can reach without really trying. It's as if I opened my eyes for the first time in my life, I can see, everything. Everything in front of me is bright, vibrant, hopeful while the past remains a bleak, shapeless blur, and I was never more excited for a morning to come.
I don't go home. I should, I can feel my chest tighten, and then I imagine his hands, so gentle yet strong, working to give me back my breath. My throat hitches. I will not cry, I will not turn to emotional twaddle. My eyes are wet before I can stop them. How has it come to this? I thought I knew what I had wanted for so long and never could have imagined that my truth lie just a few steps away. I had resigned myself to truly live in the time I had left, I had obliged myself to fulfilling the vow I made and lied myself into settling for, what I had thought was unattainable.
That feeling I had searched for, for so long, the acceptance and adoration, would have never been reciprocated. I locked the shame of rejection away and buried it under layers of loyal friendship, which was also, always seemingly out of reach. I am so thankful. Overjoyed, even, because without my misguided affection I would never be here. I am aware. I am freed.
I wonder what he's thinking. Did his thoughts shift to me when he drifted to sleep? Did his pulse quicken when he thought of me? I try to imagine him, lying in his bed, heart swelled and unable to put his thoughts to rest. Tonight was so much more than I could have ever hoped for. I've seen him, a million times, selfish and selfless, afraid and courageous, he was a walking contradiction. I wanted to be a part of his perplexity. A conundrum he never had to face, just always beside him, hands entwined. His balance. Someone he never had to explain his feelings or rationale to, just to be his strength for once. He always seemed to have to use it for someone else and was never allowed to recover or feel for himself. I will not abide it any longer.
I was at the park. And it's nearly dawn. I don't really remember driving here. It looks so eerie, the sky was hazy with rain that was about to fall. I loved the rain. It's cleansing, nourishing, a sign from the heavens that even the gods grow weary and must emote. I walk to the swings, it's been so long since I felt so free, so lighthearted. I wasn't consumed with worry. Not today, not anymore. I had so many revelations since I left the Bates house. That this, it's more than feeling. It's believing, it's truth in action and fluid motion, I'm all in. No more waiting, no regrets, I refuse to only be anymore, I will spend the rest of my time on this earth alive.
He has woken me. He is my cure. My hope, my dying wish, he couldn't deny me that could he? The rain, misty and light began to fall heavier. I sigh, back to my car, not wanting my resolve washed away in the deluge. I close my eyes and rest my head against the seat, where do I go from here? Do I wait? No, I am done waiting. I have spent an eternity waiting to be perpetually let down. Not this time, I knew he needed me in the same way I need him. Someone who saw us as we really were, not fit into anyone else grand designs, just exactly who we were. Two lost, wandering souls, meandering down parallel paths, too afraid to reach out. I open my eyes, sunlight streaking through the clouds. Not a lot, but enough to break through the bleak dawn. I smile to my eyes, so hard that my cheeks hurt.
The picture wasn't the best quality. Neither had our lives been before each other, but in those rays and few words, I put my heart in his hands, completely unafraid of the condition he would leave it in.
Fin.