It was a slow, peaceful day in Konoha.

Orochimaru's last attack had left only parts of the city demolished, and there was a general air of lazy work at fixing them. One of the half complete buildings was the Council Building Of Konoha.

Which explained why the highly esteemed Council of Konoha and the venerable Hokage were meeting in a barbecue restaurant.

"So, Uchiha, you know why we're here." Koharu leaned across the table, wincing as the edge of his premium (According to the roadside vendors) "silk" robe.

"Yeah. Cause you got nothing better to do than harass me about my sexual habits." Sasuke shot back.

Koharu sputtered, and Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose.

"No snark Uchiha. Be serious." She snapped.

"Serious as the day my brother killed my clan." He deadpanned.

Silence settled over the table for a moment. Outside, a naked Naruto streaked by the window, with a bush of fire attached to his nether regions. The occupants of the table, used to Naruto's tomfoolery (or, rather, tomfuckery), ignored the flaming idiot. They also ignored Tenten chasing after him with a collar and leash.

"So... Restoring the Uchiha clan anytime soon?" Koharu proposed hesitantly.

"No." Sasuke shot back

Koharu's partner in crime, a certain member of the council who will remain nameless (for the time being, let's call him Stereotypical Council member #2, or SC2 for short) growled.

"LoOk Uchicha! You will repopulate your clan or else!"

Sasuke pulled out kunai and began to trim his nails with expert skill.

"Or else what? You'll exile me?" Sasuke snorted and cut a hangnail.

Koharu sighed, and slid a folder across the table.

"Look. We've evoked an ancient law so that you can have a harem. Perfectly legal, and we've already picked out some choice Konoha nin for the mission. They're legally obligated, of course." She winked, knowing that kind of offer should entrance any boy.

Sasuke looked up. "So you're saying I'll get a bitchin' harem out of this?"

SC2 spewed his tea across the table, and Tsunade rubbed her temples "If you want to be crude about it, yes."

Sasuke snorted. "There's just one problem you're all ignoring..."

Koharu, beyond sick of dealing with the Uchiha's nonsense, spat "What!?"

Just then, Naruto exploded through the glass, tucking and rolling on the hardwood floor. He stood back up, swaying unsteadily, naked as the day he was born.

Temari hopped into the broken window frame, still holding the collar and leash... and oh god was that a chastity cage?

"C'mere puppy... I just wanna play!" She growled, and everyone stared at her as if she was crazy. (secretly, Tsunade considered canceling her monthly meeting with Mistress Anko and seeing if Tenten took checks...)

Sasuke stood up, taking the bondage gear from Tenten's hands wordlessly.

His hand shot out and grabbed Naruto by his hair roughly, dragging the struggling boy to his feet.

He smiled, and dipped the blonde over, pressing his lips to the other boys.

A silent minute passed, the raven's hands wondering down the curves of Naruto's body, stopping to stroke his more, *ahem* intimate parts.

Sasuke pulled away slowly, smiling at the dazed look on Naruto's face.

"I, ladies, gentleman and those of unspecified gender, am hella gay!" He fist pumped, and dragged Naruto by the leash (which had somehow gotten attached, along with the chastity cage, during their make-out) over to Tenten.

"Here you go Tenten. Maybe I can borrow pretty-boy sometime?" He winked, and Tenten nodded, still drooling from the display of super hot yaoi (Just like in those online "lemons" she kept finding...)

Sasuke flipped off the Council members, and dived out the windows, dashing through the streets screaming-

"I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove cooooooooooooooooooooock!"

~Somewhere else~

Itachi's head snapped up from the corpse he was dismembering. He stumbled away from the body weakly, staring off in the general direction of Konoha.

Kisame looked up at him, gnawing on a leg of meat (The kind of meat? Let's not touch upon that subject...). He swallowed heavily.

"Whaz it Itachi?"

Itachi looked faintly disturbed.

"I feel as if the Uchiha clan's chances of repopulation are very grim..."

~END~

BONUS SCENE REMOVED BECAUSE I WAS SMOKING SOMETHING AND USED THE SAME JOKE TWICE SO IT WILL BE REWRITTEN IN NEXT CHAPTER

Author's Note: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack beyotches!

Yes, yes I know Sasuke is canonically hetero. But the scientists say they invented a cure for the hetero, so let's pretend he used it, eh? (yes yes I know this is offensive. Cry me a river. It is supposed to be a satirical comment). No seriously this is my AU everyone is some kind of weird/queer.

Anyways, I will be updating this on no particular schedule. Whenever I get an idea for my Konoha-AU of kinky homosexuality. Maybe next will be a piece on the Hidden Sand? Gaara gets all the sex.