11. This Could Mean Danger
Darren's POV on chapter 11 of As a White Knight on His Steed
...
There are lots of words I could use to describe those early days of my romantic relationship with Chris, but I think the most accurate word overall would be 'disorienting.'
Up until that point, I guess I'd been kind of coasting through life, never getting caught up in the teenage angst and drama that was swirling around. Sure, there were times (plenty of times) when things didn't go my way, but I always bounced back without much trouble. Basically, I was a happy-go-lucky goofball, and I was fine with that.
I'd seen my dad reading a book, once, with the improbably long title Don't Sweat the Small Stuff… and it's all small stuff. At the time, that seemed so obvious to me that I wasn't sure why you'd need a whole book to explain it.
This thing that was blooming between me and Chris, though, didn't feel like small stuff at all. And I really could have used a book to help me make sense of it.
The friendship part was easy. If there was one thing in my life that I was sure of, it was that Chris was my best friend. I'd never questioned my feelings for him, and I'd never questioned his feelings for me, either.
Once our relationship began to shift into more-than-friends, though, I found myself becoming insecure. I was thrilled to be with Chris, but the possibility that he might not feel the same way about me that I felt about him was terrifying. And yeah, I know that he'd said that he'd had a crush on me for years, but I was afraid that what I was feeling was so, so much more than a crush.
This could mean danger. I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love…
And why, you might ask, would that be dangerous? After all, I trusted Chris. I knew he cared about me. I knew he'd never intentionally hurt me. But nothing in this world was more precious to me than our friendship, and (contrary to what I'd so blithely told him before this crippling doubt set in) I was afraid that I might ruin it.
Looking back, now, I realize that my worries were sparked by the differences in how Chris and I approached the physical side of our relationship. For me, the desire for emotional closeness and the desire for physical closeness were inextricably linked. When we were kids, that had played out in holding hands, and roughhousing, and cuddling. Now that we were older, and kissing had entered the mix, there was a whole new dimension to the physical-connection/emotional-connection feedback loop, and I just kept wanting more and more.
So here's where I ran into trouble. On Monday, after dinner, when Chris hustled me out of the dining hall, saying, "C'mere – I've got something I have to show you," and then responded to my question with a flirty wink and a "Wait 'til we get back to the bunkhouse, and you'll find out," – well, I thought we were on the same page.
I broke into a run, laughing and pulling Chris along the deserted path through the woods. By the time we were inside our bunkhouse with the door safely shut, we were both out of breath.
I pushed Chris up against the inside of the door, kissing him with all of the passion that had been building up inside me. His lips were so soft, and I couldn't help licking at them, tasting faint traces of syrupy sweetness from the canned fruit we'd had for dessert. Chris parted his lips slightly, deepening our kiss, and I began to explore his mouth with my tongue. It was a new and indescribably erotic experience.
Chris moaned and fisted one of his hands in my hair, a combination that went straight to my cock. I think I literally swooned. With his other hand, he grabbed me around the waist, pulling our hips together. Oh. My. Wizard. God.
I had a millisecond in which to revel in the shocking heat of his unmistakable erection pressing against my own before Chris gasped and pushed me away.
I panicked, jumping back quickly, babbling, "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" I couldn't bear the thought of him yelling at me the way he had the other night when I wanted to cuddle.
"Darren, calm down. It's okay," Chris said, trying to catch his breath. "I just need to cool off for a minute, okay?"
"Yeah, okay," I said, struggling to get control of my own breathing. "I really wasn't trying to push you, I promise."
"Dare, I said it's okay," Chris repeated. "It's not your fault. I just got a little carried away."
Then he laughed and said, "Well, I guess it is your fault that I got a little carried away, but you know what I mean."
"Yeah," I told him, relieved that he wasn't angry. "No problem."
But here's the thing – for me, it kind of was a problem. And it seemed to keep coming up all week.
Now, let me be perfectly clear – this was not about me being horny all the time (although, admittedly, I was). And it was definitely not about wanting to push Chris into doing anything he wasn't comfortable with. I hated the very idea that he might feel like I was putting pressure on him.
No, the issue for me was that my physical desire for Chris was directly related to how I felt about him emotionally. And although I could completely understand, on an intellectual level, that he might not be ready for a sexual relationship, still, in my heart, I couldn't help but feel rejected any time he put on the brakes or pulled away from me. For the first time since I'd known him, I started to question his feelings for me. And that made me afraid of my feelings for him.
But not afraid enough that I could do anything to stop them. Suddenly, every cliché about love that I'd ever heard seemed to make perfect sense. The fireworks, the roller coaster, the feeling of being head over heels – yep, they all rang true. He made me weak in the knees, gave me butterflies in my stomach, made my heart skip a beat.
My head had always been sort of like an old-fashioned jukebox, with life as its song cue, and now it was in overdrive.
Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love? In love with someone, ever fallen in love? In love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with…
Help me, I think I'm falling in love too fast…
Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you...
If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true, and help me understand?
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it – let's do it, let's fall in love...
Falling, yes I am falling…
By the end of the week, I knew that no matter how much it might hurt to hear that he didn't feel the same way I did, I really needed to talk with Chris. I waited until Saturday, when we had the whole evening to ourselves.
Steeling myself for the worst, I asked, "Can I talk to you about something?"
"Of course, Dare," Chris said. "You know you can always talk to me about anything."
I tried to focus on his words, but it was hard to ignore the tension in his voice, matching the tension I'm sure was there in mine. I forced myself to go on. "You know how we've been best friends for ten years?"
"Mm hmm."
"And you know how we've always told each other everything?"
"Mm hmm."
"Well, there's something I've never told you. And I feel like I need to say it now."
"Dare, it's okay," Chris said, though he seemed to be radiating anxiety. "You know you can tell me anything."
"Chris, I love you."
"What?"
"I love you."
"Wait – that's it?! That's your big thing that you had to tell me? I love you too, you goofball! I can't believe we've never said that before. I was all prepared for you to confess that you were a serial killer, or something."
"You love me too?"
"Of course I love you, Darren. I've loved you since we were eight years old. How could you possibly think that I didn't?"
"But, Chris, I think I'm falling in love with you."
"Well, good. 'Cause I'm falling in love with you, too. Now shut up and kiss me."
So I did.
End Notes: Here's Darren's mental playlist of classic falling in love songs:
Buzzcocks – "Ever Fallen in Love"
Joni Mitchell – "Help Me"
Elvis Presley – "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You"
The Beatles – "If I Fell"
Ella Fitzgerald – "Let's Do It (Let's Fall in Love)"
The Beatles – "I've Just Seen a Face"
Do you know what I'm in love with? Reviews! ;D