The feeling of being in a living nightmare didn't stop after the wedding. Cullen had at least held hope for some stolen moments with Trev, but Turner's control over her escalated quickly. She was almost never without his company.
Cullen just wanted her away from that bastard for however short amount of time. To give her some relief. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, take away all her pain. He wanted to ask her how she was doing. He could never tell just by watching her these days, her face was always set in stone.
He tried to do the same, keeping up a calm appearance, working hard, no longing looks cast her way. He tried to be only her Commander and nothing else.
It wasn't working very well.
Cullen was very surprised when Trev knocked on the door to his office one morning. She let herself in before he had time to answer, and closed the door behind herself. She was alone.
He was on his feet in two seconds and walked over to her. She didn't look at him, she just stared at the floor.
He hesitated, unsure if she wanted him to touch her. After a few seconds, he gently placed his fingertips under her chin and tilted her head up so she would look at him. She didn't pull away, but she didn't look him in the eye either.
When she spoke, it was barely more than a whisper.
"I'm so sorry, Cullen. For everything. For putting you through this."
He pulled her against him and embraced her tightly, resting his head on top of hers. He wished she could always stay like this, protected and safe in his arms.
"You have nothing to apologize for."
He could feel her relax into him. She hugged him tighter before she leaned back and finally looked at him. Cullen felt a stab in his heart when he saw the sadness and the longing in her eyes.
"I wish I had more time," she started. "I dream of you every single second of every day. Never, ever doubt that. I love you more than life itself."
She kissed him then, softly, and Cullen believed every word.
She sighed as she pulled away, all too soon.
"Like I said, I don't have much time. Turner is meeting with his father in private before Lord Dreallor leaves for Ostwick again, but he'll be expecting me back shortly. I... I have to ask something of you."
She looked down into the floor again.
"Anything, my love," Cullen said, pulling her hand up to his lips.
"You won't like it."
"I'm not exactly over the moon about anything right now. It can't be much worse than the rest, can it?"
He understood from her expression that it could, in fact, get worse.
"You... you need to find someone." She looked pained.
"What do you mean, Trev? Your sister? We're doing everything we can..."
She interrupted him with a shake of her head.
"No, not like that. Cullen, you need to find a woman for yourself. A lover."
He stared at her, his expression incredulous.
"That's not funny, Trev. Tell me you're joking."
She shook her head again. "No, I'm not. Turner's suspicious. He knows we used to be together but he's wondering now why you haven't moved on."
Cullen tried to wrap his head around what she was saying. "I've tried so hard to not let it show, and I'm sorry if I've failed. I swear I'll hold myself back more, he won't ever catch me looking at you again. So please, can we stop talking about this nonsense now?" Cullen felt sick just thinking about what she had suggested.
"No, you misunderstand. I'm sorry, it's all my fault." She looked up at him again, her eyes glistening wet now. "You're not the one who's failed. I am."
Cullen felt confused. "What are you talking about? You're much better at hiding your emotions than I am. I've never seen you look at me with anything else than a neutral expression when Turner is around."
A tear spilled out and rolled down her cheek. Cullen wanted nothing more than to kiss it away and tell her it would be alright. But he couldn't lie to her.
"That's what you've seen, yes. But I just can't help myself sometimes, I stare after you when you've left, and I look at you for too long, no matter what expression I have on my face. He notices. He's not stupid, far from it. I know you think of him as an opportunist bastard, and he is. But he's fucking smart, Cullen. I can't hide anything from him."
Tears flowed freely from her eyes now, but she kept her composure. "The nights are the worst. I can't control what I do in my sleep. He's heard me mumble your name in my sleep several times."
Cullen shook his head in confusion. "Why does he even care? I mean, he has control over you every hour of the day, he knows we're not doing anything. I haven't even seen you alone since before the wedding."
Trev didn't say anything, she just stared down at her feet again, crying quietly.
And then it dawned on him.
"He... is he in love with you?"
Cullen could feel his grip on her arms tighten. She looked ashamed.
"I... I think so. He wasn't, at first. I told you he was only after my power and I was right, at the time. He's been insufferable. You... you know what he's done to me."
Cullen swallowed hard. He knew it wasn't an accusation, but he accused himself. He just stood to the side as Turner abused her. He knew he couldn't do anything about it, but it still killed him.
"So what's changed?" Cullen whispered.
"I just couldn't stand it. He makes me... made me do things with him. He's rough. Not in a good way, like it can be between you and me sometimes because we're passionate. He's rough in a sadistic way. The more I fought against it, the more he... you know."
Cullen leaned back against the wall, breathing heavily. "Please, Trev, why are you telling me this? Do you want me to kill him right now? Do you have any idea how much I want to run to wherever the fuck he is right now and bash his face in until there's nothing left? No, that's not even enough! I want to do it slowly, I want him to suffer every hour, every second he's inflicted pain on you. I want him to suffer a thousand times worse."
He sank down to the floor and put his head between his knees, trying to calm down.
She went to him, put her arms around him, like he was the one in need of comfort and protection.
"I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking," she said softly, stroking his hair. "I just wanted to explain what's going on. I have to get back soon and I... I think he's in love with me because I made him fall for me. I'm sorry, I didn't want to, but it was the only way I could think of to make him treat me better. I stopped fighting so hard, began talking to him more. Used my charms, you know. It's not like it's stopped completely and it's all lovey dovey from him now, he doesn't understand what love is. But he thinks he's in love and that's all that's nessecary right now."
Cullen sighed and pulled her against him and she slid down into his lap.
"At least he treats you better. I'm glad, truly. But I still don't understand this nonsense about me finding another woman."
Trev closed her eyes.
"Don't think that I like it one bit. I would never ask you to do such a thing without a purpose. But Turner needs to see that you've moved on and he needs to see me react... Well, he needs to see me not react at all, I suppose. Like I don't care about it."
"No, what needs to happen is Leliana finding your sister. Are there any news?" he asked.
She shook her head. "Nothing yet. If there were, I wouldn't ask you to do this, not if I thought we were close to finding her.
"But I can't..."
"You don't have to... do anything, you know. You'd have to put on a show, but you don't have to... I mean, you can do whatever you want, as long as you do not tell her what's going on. Only you, me and Leliana knows the truth. Not even my father knows. And it has to stay that way."
Cullen looked at her, surprised.
"So you just want me to find some poor girl and seduce her, make her fall for me and... Maker, I can't do that. I'm no charmer."
Trev laughed a little at that. "Oh, Cullen, still so oblivious. You charmed me, didn't you? And didn't you once tell me I was the most intimidating woman you'd ever met?"
"Well, yes. But it doesn't matter, it wouldn't be right to the poor girl."
Trev looked sad and shook her head a little. "I know. But I don't see any other solution. It's either that or it's going to get much worse for me. I know it sounds selfish, but I'm not doing it for me. I know you, Cullen. I know how you feel when you see the bruises on me, the way he forces himself on me. I know you can't stand it."
He screwed his eyes shut at her words and she stroked his cheek, gently. He knew she was right, he would do anything if it meant even the slightest relief for her.
Anything.