Chapter 3 - A Strong Resolve

Killua woke abruptly to a loud buzzing noise. He pulled his face out from under his scattered bangs buried in the clothes he had cried into all day, eyes foggy with a damp crust that had formed while he slept. He groggily ran the backs of his wrists over his eyes trying to clear his mind and figure out what the source of the sound was. Killua woke up often like this, he hated it. He knew he had just spent another day in that state of sorrow he so often found himself in, tears streaming until there was no water left in his system, sobbing over and over, the only respite coming from mental exhaustion forcing him into periods of deep sleep.

There it was again, that buzzing noise. Killua glanced over to his nightstand and noticed the beetle phone skittering across the smooth wooden surface bouncing between change and other small irrelevant items scattered about. He glared at it, eyes habitually focusing intently into a predatory gaze. Killua knew it must be late as the pale glow of the overcast day he had seen earlier had completely disappeared from the skylight which had been painted black by the night sky. Who would be calling him at this time anyway? Killua rolled over onto his stomach stretching his arm out and deftly nudged the dancing phone toward the palm of his hand, dragging it over the bed and in front of his face. He flipped onto his back and sat up crossing his legs beneath him and opening up the phone to see who it was, all the while thinking, if this is fucking Leorio I am going to rip the lungs from his throat with my bare hands.

It wasn't Leorio. Gon! But why? This is too soon! Killua thought. His thumb hovered over the hang-up button. He knew that he might not be in the proper state of mind to handle a conversation with Gon just yet. If he let his emotions slip, if he couldn't control them he might deny himself the chance of ever meeting Gon face to face again and carrying out his final plan. He needed to do this his way.

Damnit Gon! Always pushing things, always! You're so selfish! Killua was torn, the beetle phone kept buzzing and the pressure was building in Killua to make up his mind. Fuck what do I do! What do I do, his mind stammered desperately. Killua's stomach turned, he felt like he wanted to vomit, and then, he panicked. A different sound came swiftly.

Beep…

Killua stared at the phone in abject horror. When had his thumb moved to the answer button, when had he decided to answer the call? Yet there it was, confirmed by the familiar tone that indicated the call had been accepted. Killua's eyes vibrated, he felt like a baby fox bear caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. Looking down at the phone in shock his mind barely registered the fact that his razor like nails had come alive on his hands, veins carving pulsating pathways out from his knuckles. Then, a voice came loudly.

"Killluaaaa! Killlluuuaaaaa, are you there?" Then more muffled, "stupid phone, probably isn't working right, maybe I dialled wrong? I'm so bad with technology. Hmphf," Gon scuffed.

"G-Gon…." Killua said, unintentionally, like a knee-jerk reaction. He immediately recoiled from the phone in his hand and grimaced at the neediness of his own tone. He didn't even notice the small trickle of blood coming from his ear. He had nicked it slightly on one of his nails while yanking his head back and away from the phone.

'Killua! You are there! So my phone isn't broken, must have been some delay," Gon said.

Silence.

"Killua…?" Gon again, the prior enthusiasm slipping from his tone a bit.

Killua's heart skipped a beat. The way Gon had said his name, he hadn't heard it that way in so long. There was an emotional hurricane that begun to swirl through his mind; anger, sadness and longing were all smashing into each other forming one enormous and conflicted feeling. Killua's longing caused tears to well up in his eyes so that it was like he was peering through an aquarium but his body was tense and angry, one arm still pressing the outfit he had slept with to his abdomen.

"Yeah, Gon…I'm here," replied Killua after another pause, trying to hide the emotion from his voice.

"Killua!" Gon, brighter again. His voice was deeper than Killua had recalled. Gon had a naturally excitable voice that was always lifted but the deeper and more mature effect could not be overcome entirely by his mannerisms. "It's been so long! How are you? What have you been doing? Your Nen must be amazing! I bet you have all kinds of new techniques, I can't wait…" Gon rambled on for about two minutes leaving no room for Killua to respond. Killua listened passively, still trying to control himself and think of a way out of this conversation without ruining his chances to see Gon one last time. He heard something about Mito-San and a vacation, Gon had found his Nen again, a tree he should see sometime, it was special but Gon didn't know why, Knuckle and Shoot are doing well, more fluff.

"Gon," Killua finally interjected. "I don't have much time to talk right now, I'm fine, what did you call me about, it's late," Killua stated flatly. The words came out a little more harsh and antagonistically than he intended. He had to be careful otherwise Gon would think something was wrong and would start digging.

"Killua are you alright? You sound tense. Where are you?" Gon said, the concern growing in his voice was easily noticeable through the little earpiece of the beetle phone.

"I'm fine," Killua said, this time commanding his voice to sound friendly. "I'm in Yorknew City, I'm just about to head out for a job and it's time sensitive so I can't really talk for long. Alluka's gone with Kurapika and Leorio now so I've taken on some Hunter work," Killua said. That should keep his concerns at bay and get me out of this quickly, Killua thought.

"You sound so grown up, Killua!" Gon exclaimed cheerfully.

Before he could stop himself Killua was answering with a childlike whine, "Gon! You always say the most embarrassing stuff!" Killua could hear laughter emit loudly though the phone at this, Gon was seemingly satisfied with the reaction he had got from him. Killua's cheeks flushed, more emotions fell into the blender now churning at maximum speed inside his head. He figured Gon was thinking that this was just like old times. Except these weren't old times, Killua would show him that, soon enough.

"That sounds more like the Kill-u-a I know!" Gon said cheekily.

Gon was infectious, his cute little way of talking was like poison running through Killua's veins. He was in dangerous territory here, this was a poison that he was not immune to. "Gon, get to the point, idiot!" Killua shouted. That was straight Killua he figured.

"Hai, Hai.." Gon sighed, acquiescing. "Killua,.." more serious now, all of a sudden. "I need to see you," Gon said, heavily.

The words dropped on Killua's shoulders like a sack of concrete. What!? See me? Now? Why now? What the hell is going on, I don't know if I'm ready for this! Killua was unsure how to respond but luckily Gon kept going.

"I need to see you Killua because of something Ging said. Well…something Ging said, then something I said and something you said too some time ago but mostly what Ging said I think," Gon rambled. "See Ging said this thing and it's been on my mind with all these other things and I just can't make sense of it but I know it has something to do with you or me or you me and Ging and I think if I see you we can figure it out together! You're smart and there's something I'm just not getting, it reminds me of math, Killua!" Gon sounded desperate at the end, with the mention of math. "So how about we meet next weekend, Saturday, at Heaven's arena? I'm at Whale Island and if you're in Yorknew that should be half way for each of us," Gon said.

Killua's head was spinning. What the hell was Gon talking about? Something Ging said? This was absurd. What the hell could Killua know about something Ging said? Killua's anger was on the rise again, of course, the first time he calls me it's still about someone else. He just needs me to help him understand a few words? Fucking selfish brat! How can I love this boy? How!? Killua had dropped the clothes he was clutching to his lap and instead grabbed a bunch of sheets up in a fist, twisting them and trying to wring out some of his rage into the bedding. His nails tore through the sheets and twisted into his own palms, drawing more blood, but Killua barely noticed. Gon, you….you are such a jerk! How can you just call me out of the blue again, after everything, just for YOU! Killua was losing it, he had to get control of himself and answer quickly. One week, Saturday. Was that too soon? Would Killua be ready? He had to be, this was it.

"Ok," Killua said, matter of factly. It was the best he could do against the prevailing winds of his chaotic emotions. "Ok, Gon. One week, Saturday, at Heaven's Arena. Let's meet at the balcony gardens on the 190th floor, you know the ones I'm talking about. How about 8:00p.m.," He let the words out as naturally as he could, trying to withhold his contempt from slipping through the cracks. The single-minded ambition to carry out his final task in this world the only thing keeping his emotional torrent at bay. If he was dragged any further into this conversation then the strength of his ambition would not be enough to withhold the eruption that was building up in his guts.

"Ok, Killua," Gon responded kindly, adding "I can't wait to see you, it's been so long.."

"Yeah…." Killua said, ignoring the affectionate tone in Gon's voice entirely. He was already too far gone, and with that he hung up the phone.