A/N: Just to let everyone know, this is not the final chapter. There will still be one more to go. Thank you to all who have read this far! Your feedback and reviews are appreciated more than you could know! Update: When I first posted this there was a typo, but it was a bad one! I am sorry that I missed it but it's now fixed!

Chapter 9 - A Trembling Awareness

Gon ran down the hallway of the one-hundred and ninetieth floor of Heaven's Arena. The encounter with Hisoka still lingered in his mind. Even though what Hisoka had begun to do to him would have ended in an unforgivable act, he had pulled back at the last minute and redeemed himself. For that, Gon was sincerely grateful. Gon could forgive him for what he had almost done. He could forgive anyone as long as they showed that they could change in the end. Gon figured this is what made him who he was, his ability to forgive, his ability to give someone a second chance, it was simply a part of his character. He knew that his unbridled mercy sometimes frustrated others but he had always offered everyone this opportunity, why not Hisoka? It was Gon's ability to treat everyone as a new person that had lead to his perfect friendship with Killua right?

In the end what was important to Gon was to make up his own mind about things. He didn't want to listen to what society said, he didn't care about consensus, he would draw his own conclusions about right and wrong. Gon only cared about what was true in his own heart; and during that confrontation with Hisoka, near the end, after all the selfish and despicable desire that Hisoka had shown, he had seen something else in his eyes. They showed a sorrowful expression, one of tragedy, pain and regret. The dark spirit in them had completely dissipated and was replaced by a look of genuine tenderness. Strangely, Gon could tell in that moment that Hisoka cared for him, in his own way. He saw that Hisoka was horribly conflicted and that he must have been keeping those feelings buried deep within himself, behind the dark facade. Somewhere inside that jester's soul was a human being, as fragile and flawed as the rest of us. Whether that part of him could ever really be awakened permanently Gon did not know but at least there was a glimpse now; it was that shred of humanity that Gon had embraced.

I've learned so much, grown so much emotionally. Killua, I think you most of all would be proud. Gon thought as he ran down the hall toward the balcony gardens. The prior excitement he felt when he had left Whale Island had returned fully now. His heart was pounding with an intensity and level of anticipation that Gon had never felt before. It truly had been so long since he had seen Killua, how had they drifted this far apart? There was a time when Gon never even thought of being apart from Killua for a second, it was unimaginable. Why had they separated?

Gon found his mind drifting as he ran down the hallway. That time, on Whale Island, Gon thought. I was so happy. Everything felt so right. It's not that I'm not happy now but it was different then, what did I say? The words came to Gon suddenly, a distant impression buried deep in his subconscious.

'I'm happy when I'm with you, Killua.'

That's what Gon had said the first night they camped out on Whale Island together. I remember everything from that night, Gon began to let the memory wash over him. We cooked food over the open fire, we talked about all of the adventures we had experienced and I told him all about Mito-San and what I knew about Ging. Killua had listened to me so intently I recall, he let me ramble on and on. He gave me the confidence I needed to find Ging, I knew with him that I would. He had just agreed to join me and help, asking nothing in return. Killua, I just realized how much I miss you. You were always by my side, I was never afraid when you were there. I wonder if you knew how much I depended on you. Did you ever find out what you wanted for yourself in our great journey? Gon was nearing his destination now, a wide grin had spread across his face as he visited the memory of that time.

Gon reached the door finally and burst through into the gardens. They were exactly as he had remembered them. Gon took a deep breath inhaling the relaxing sight of nature and feeling immediately more at home. The gardens were not enormous but they made up in density for what they lacked in footage. Dozens of Yoshino Cherry trees lined the semi-circle balcony that jutted out from the tower; they were packed tightly in planters with elaborate wooden bases so as to block out the view of the city below. The cherry trees were in full bloom, their five petaled blossoms creating a uniform border of nature forty feet tall that tenderly caressed the inner gardens. The magnificently landscaped gardens featured cobblestone walkways lined with deftly trimmed shrubs that wound gently around pockets of colour. There were flowers and blooming plants of all kinds, their magical tints adding to the canvas of serenity that was this place. But more than anything, there was a spot at the centre of the gardens which held a home in Gon's heart. A small pond of water lilies was spanned by an arched bridge of plain wood spotted with soil and moss, as if it had grown out of the soil itself. The vast array of colours in the space seemed to reflect off the water in the little pond, adding a soft glow that emanated upwards and through the bridge. It was as if the little structure itself were a delicate rainbow floating on the water. As Gon took in the sights he felt a moment of complete consanguinity with the gardens. So beautiful, I can't think of a better place to see you again, Killua.

That thought had provoked Gon to look for his friend. He began to traverse the main cobble stone walkway that lead to the mossy bridge. Gon figured that Killua would be here any moment and would probably think to look for Gon there too. Gon stood at one end of the little bridge, his heart pounding in anticipation. How would Killua look? What would they say to each other first? There was so much to talk about and Gon had so many questions; the words, the things Ging had said, he couldn't wait to hear what Killua thought.

Gon was abruptly pulled from his rumination when he saw a flash of blue light. All of a sudden, Killua had appeared out of nowhere at the other end of the bridge; a sonic boom followed quickly after causing the cherry blossoms to shudder, a few desolate petals falling to the ground. Gon stepped forward quickly to see his friend for the first time in ages and then stopped.

Killua, you're… But Gon couldn't complete the thought. The shock was too much. All he could do was stare, wide-eyed and bewildered. Killua was down on one knee, panting hard. He looked like he had been through absolute hell. His hair was soaked and scattered messily in all directions. Blood was running from the corner of his mouth and had trickled down his neck leaving a red line that ran under his shirt. He was dressed in all black, a long sleeve shirt and black mesh shorts. There were tears everywhere in his clothes, it was a miracle they were still on him. Gon could see Killua's body through some of the holes in his garments. His muscles looked fatigued, veins were still prevalent throughout his figure, the lasting effects of a strenuous effort apparent. Gon could see scars and bruises scattered across pale skin, skin that shone like moonlight. Killua's eyes were hidden by the shadow cast by bangs of silver hair. Gon felt uneasy, what had happened? Why was Killua like this? Gon willed himself to speak.

"Killua!" Gon shouted, perhaps a little loud given their solitude.

Nothing. Gon could only hear ragged breaths coming from the other boy, he had not yet looked up. Gon tried to will his body to move, to see if Killua was ok but somehow he was frozen. Something inside him, a dread, was welling up and holding him in place. He yanked and pulled at the chains that held him but he could not break free. He went to speak again.

"Killua! Are you ok? What happen…" Gon was cut off by a look as cold as ice.

Killua had raised his head and was now staring at Gon through wet wisps of his hair; the cobalt blue eyes held a glacial quality, they were impenetrable. Gon hesitated at the look but was not yet deterred entirely. "Killua, what…what's going on?" Gon stammered, barely, his voice weakened by the shocking state of his friend.

"Shut up, Gon." Killua, cold. "Shut up. Don't say another word right now."

Gon regarded his friend in horror, this was like a nightmare, a bad dream. Everything was all wrong, the world had turned upside-down. This was a happy reunion, why was Killua looking at him that way? Why did he tell him to shut up? "Killua! I don't understand," Gon began but was cut off again, this time not by a look but by words.

"Gon!" Killua screamed, finally dragging himself to his feet, fists by his sides, shoulders back and chest out. "Shut up and let me do the talking! There's something I have to say to you, something you need to hear before it's too late!"

Gon dared not say another word. What is going on, why is Killua like this right now? Did someone do something to him? Gon's mind was spinning endlessly downward trying to figure out what possibly could have lead to this circumstance, but nothing made sense. He waited for Killua to speak.

"Gon, listen carefully as I am only going to say this once and there isn't much time. I don't know how much longer I can hold on to myself, so just listen, ok?" Killua's words were finally more stable, but they pleaded.

Gon nodded, unable to take his eyes off Killua.

"Gon. We've been through a lot, you and I. I respect you and that's why I'm here. If this were anyone else, it would not be this way. You would not have seen me again. But because it's you and because of what you did for me once, I still after everything owe you at least this," Killua said.

What does he mean, after everything? Gon thought.

Killua continued, "Gon, when we first met, I was in a dark place. I was born in darkness, trapped there, until I met you. You were my light, Gon. You pierced the darkness, shining so bright in that way you do and pulled me up from the depths. You caused my soul to tremble into consciousness, to feel for the first time. I had a friend, I had hope, it was everything I could never even have dreamed of. I followed you to the ends of the earth, I endured every hardship I could for you, if only it would get you to where you wanted to be. You wanted to find Ging so terribly and I wasn't going to let anything get in the way. When you fell, I carried you, when you were lost, I found you, when you were dead, I brought you back to life. There is nothing in this world I would not do for you, Gon Freecs, because.." Killua paused. His eyes had deepened in colour, their blue so intense Gon thought they might blind him.

Killua was now trembling, trying to keep himself upright but barely able. Gon wanted to reach out, to jump forward and hold him but the dread inside would not let him go. It still kept him locked in place, its power greater than ever, preventing not only his movement but his voice. Gon then heard the words that would give him all the answers he had not even known he was looking for.

"Because…Because," Killua was desperately trying to overcome his choking sobs, "Because I love you, Gon!" With those words Killua collapsed to his knees, his voice had been pained, and heart wrenchingly tragic. The words had come out violently, as if they tore strips off Killua's throat causing it to crack and break over Gon's name.

Tears were flowing from Killua's eyes, his lips were trembling. Gon could only watch in agony, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to even cry in response.

"You once said at Whale Island, Gon, that you were happy when you were with me!" Killua screamed, down on his knees, slamming his fists into the bridge beneath them.

I am happy when I am with you, Killua! Gon returned forcefully in his mind, willing the words to come out but they didn't.

Killua went on. "You once said that it had to be me, by your side, remember Greed Island, with Razor! I stayed by your side, my hands tattered and torn!"

Killua, It does have to be you by my side, who else could there ever be? If I could take those hands in mine now, I would take them and never let them go! Gon's heart was crying out with the words but they never reached his lips.

Killua kept going, his flood of tears causing the mossy bridge beneath him to glisten, "Gon! I never betrayed you, I always cared for you, the only crime I committed was that I loved you! I know you think it's wrong, for a boy to love another boy."

I don't think it's wrong, I just never realized it could be so! Gon's heart cried out, but again the words were not there in the space between them and Killua's screams were uninterrupted.

"But you are the one I love, I cannot stop being who I am! Is that enough of a reason for you to do what you did to me? To turn your back on me and say 'this means nothing to you!'? And then you left me alone, you cut me out, you went off to die with Pitou. You left me just after you had brought me to life with your own bare hands! I know Kite meant a lot to you, he meant a lot to me too, but did I mean nothing to you? Do my feelings for you disgust you that much?" Killua had turned his eyes upwards again and was looking at Gon with a magnitude of emotion that he could not begin to describe.

Gon could not move, could not speak, could not think. The agony he felt at that moment as the volume of what he had done dawned on him and was unimpeachable. He had no words to apologize for this, there was too much ruin in Killua before him, ruin that was Gon's own doing. Gon wanted to take everything back but that was impossible.

Killua's sobs had slowed and his expression had changed into one of intent. "I can see you have no words, Gon. It's okay, don't say anything. This is what I was expecting. I had already seen this outcome before I said the words to you. But I'll say them again, Gon, I love you. I love you Gon Freecs. I love you and this is goodbye."

Kneeling before Gon on the bridge, Killua raised his right hand and exposed the razor sharp nails that Gon had seen rip hearts from the chests of beasts.

Don't do this, just give me some time, something is wrong and I can't speak! Gon screamed internally but again, nothing came.

Killua had angled his hand toward his own chest. The look of despair in his eyes told Gon all he needed to know. All of a sudden they were locked in their positions, staring at each other. Gon couldn't tell if time had slowed or if it was only his perception of time that had changed but everything came rushing in at that moment. The words came and this time, with meaning.

'What was truly important came to me before what I wanted.'

That's what Ging had said and now Gon understood what he meant. Gon had all this time been searching for Ging, searching for Ging in the hopes that he might learn something profound about himself. But it wasn't Ging that would reveal the truth, it was what was important that came before. Killua! Gon's heart and soul screamed his name. Killua, you are what came before, you are the one who taught me something truly significant about myself. You taught me love, all this time you've been showing me love and I was too blind to see it!

'What is truly important to you is always something that also gives you great power. Power does not distinguish between right and wrong, that is for you to decide. Remember this.'

Ging had also said those words and Gon now knew what they meant. Gon had brought Killua out of his sheltered yet dark world into the light. That gave Gon a power over Killua, as Killua worshipped him in a way that only a true love could. But Gon had abused that power, out of ignorance, out of naivety; blinded by his own rage he had wielded that power wrongly and shattered Killua's heart. The pain and regret Gon felt as he realized how deeply this must have wounded Killua was immeasurable.

'This is no good, if we stay here any longer…'

These were Gon's words, he recognized them. As they were splitting ways at the base of the world tree Gon had felt his love for Killua then. He had known somehow, deep down inside that it would surface had they not parted at that time. But while speaking those words he had not yet understood the profound and revealing significance of them. More regret filled Gon's heart.

'Yeah…'

Killua had responded, and now Gon understood why he had felt they were speaking about two different things. Killua had already known, he had known his love for Gon. But I was so blind, so foolish that I couldn't see it. Killua could not dare bring himself to tell me, what if I rejected him again like I had just done while on my path of vengeance for Kite? I turned him away then! He must have been so terrified, so lost, so alone. Oh Killua, what have I done!

Gon's entire being trembled. Time began to move again and he could see Killua's hand strike into action, claws as sharp as butchers knives seeking the boys own heart. Something inside Gon snapped, a desperation like never before. He recognized part of the feeling, it was similar to when his rage had exploded out of control during his fight with Pitou. That was when he sacrificed his Nen for power, the power to destroy. This time though, it was different.

Gon could feel a warm glow encompass him as his pores opened up as wide as they could. His golden aura burst forth and was hot and smooth, but didn't burn. The nature surrounding him seemed to take on the same golden hue, adding their blessing to his cause. Gon could feel the chains of dread that bound him break, setting him free to act. He could see nothing but Killua in his vision, there was no foreground, no background. There was only Killua and those beautiful cerulean eyes, staring back at him with all the anguish in the world, all the horror his tortured life had seen. Gon would eradicate that pain again, just as he had done before, but this time for good.

It was then that their fates were intertwined in such a way that only love can manage. As Killua's hand fell to his chest, ready to rip his own heart out, barely beating with life, Gon was lurching forward accompanied by the emanation of his entire being. Everything that Gon was, everything that he felt in his heart and soul for Killua at this moment changed all that was to be. Instead of cleaving through skin and bone, ripping heart from chest and life from being, Killua's hand hit a wall of gold, deflecting harmlessly downward. Gon didn't waste a moment and knelt with the other boy, wrapping him in his arms and aura, bringing his lips forward to meet Killua's. Gon locked Killua into a deep and passionate kiss, willing all the love in his heart forward. He breathed his aura, his life force into Killua, letting it flow, selflessly giving Killua everything that he was.

Gon knew there was only one way to heal Killua and make up for all the pain in his heart. If Gon's light on its own could not shine bright enough down upon him, it would have to shine within him. Gon would give him all of his light.

Gon's lips pressed further as he felt his aura flow into Killua. He could feel the other boy strengthen, his arms now returning the embrace. The golden light rushed forward and down into Killua's body, into his heart, their lips the connection that made the transfer possible, their love the key.

As the last flicker of golden light vanished, Gon came to his senses and the kiss ended. He could feel Killua breathing into his body, his head resting on Gon's shoulder heavily. Gon brought one hand up and ran his fingers through Killua's immaculate silver hair. This time, Gon's words did not fail him.

"I love you too, Killua. Thank you for making me see," Gon whispered.

The sky had cleared and the moon filled the sky. Starlight beamed down on the balcony gardens as nature unconditionally kept them private and alone. No one can know how much time had passed as they remained in each others arms sharing in the emotion that followed Gon's words.