I'm feeling better ever since you know me

I was a lonely soul but that's the old me

A little wiser now from what you've shown me

Yeah, I feel again

Feel again – OneRepublic

Eric POV

I had turned Sookie towards me, thinking that I wanted to see her face as I told her this but after I say the words I close my eyes, not being able to look at her. In my mind I do not even deserve to look at her. Silence hangs between us, and spreads through the whole room. It is not heavy and suffocating as silence can be sometimes. It is a more comforting silence, which is what surprises me.

I am focusing on Sookie's heartbeat trying to keep myself going back to that room, going back to centuries ago. I must be trying really hard because I do not even sense Sookie moving until I feel her arms wrap around my neck. I bury my face in her hoping, hoping that the smell will help keep me in the present because I am dangerously close to losing myself in my past.

Sookie must sense when I start to feel more grounded because it is only then that she says, "That must have been hell for you, to be forced to hurt your child."

My eyes fly open at her words and I lift my head so that I can look into her eyes. I have long since stopped doubting Sookie. Her strength has surprised me at almost every turn since she started to recover. But it astonishes me that right away she thinks that I was forced to hit Karin; that she knows I could never, would never, hit any one of my children if I was given a choice.

"I failed her," I softly say. These are the words that I could not stop from invading my every thought for decades after it happened. Still, centuries later, it crosses my mind multiple times a day. It is something that I cannot escape. It is something that I do not deserve to.

"I don't think that's possible," Sookie says softly, yet strongly, like she truly believes what she is saying. And I find that very comforting, even if it is wrong.

"I did," I reiterate again. "I let my emotions win out. I allowed myself to be controlled by my emotions and that is why I hit Karin." I keep my voice relatively quiet because she is only inches from my face, but they are screaming inside my head, taunting me with the truth.

I am close enough to see something that looks like understanding flit across her eyes. It also dances across the bond. She may think she knows that this was a maker's command. But if it was only that simple, I may have been able to forgive myself. Karin may have been able to forgive me.

But of course with my maker, nothing is ever simple.

"Do you want to tell me about it," she asks. She gives me credit for knowing how to help her after Bill attacked her in the trunk but she knows how to help me just as much, if not better. She knows not to push because that will quickly shut me down. But she also knows that if she waits for me to talk, she will probably be waiting a long time.

And for the first time since I explained it all to Pam, I want to talk about it. I need to talk about it. I know it is more than that though. I would not be telling just any old human on the street because the urge to talk about it hit me. It is Sookie I want to talk to about it. I want her to understand what happens when I allow myself to feel emotions.

"I had not heard from Appius for about a century before I felt comfortable making my own child. It was Karin's strength that drew me to her. It was so out of place for her time, making her underappreciated. I could appreciate her though. I saw the potential in her and knew that she was made for the life of a vampire. That was where her strength would be seen for what it is, not in a way to shame her and knock her down.

"Karin and I were left alone for a few decades. I taught her how to survive and she embraced this new life, never once looking back. She was now in a world where she was no longer told she should not pick up a weapon but one where she was constantly being challenged to just that. Though she was upset when I told others to go easy on her as she practiced. I was the only one I trusted to not hurt her," I say my voice trailing off.

I clear my throat before starting again not knowing if I will be able to start again if I stop. "I was just starting to think we were safe. I had plans on showing Karin other countries before picking one to settle in for a bit. I wanted it to be her choice, somewhere she would like to spend a few years. Just when we were about to leave, Appius called me to him.

"Not wanting to introduce him to Karin, I told her to wait for me with some other vampires that I trusted, that I knew would keep her safe until I could meet up with her again." I pause not exactly knowing how to continue. It is Sookie who says, "That didn't last long did it."

I shake my head, though she can probably already figure out what happened next. "Appius did not hide his disappointment in me for not bringing Karin when he called me. He lashed out at me immediately and demanded that I call her to me. I begged him to wait until the next evening. I told him it was because there was not enough of the evening left for her to get to us safely. Truthfully, I was trying to find a way out of bringing her before him.

"Appius conceded that there was not enough time left for Karin to get to where I met him before sunrise. I thought since he was allowing that perhaps he had changed. He had not though. He only wanted to ensure that he could use Karin for the last lesson he taught me." I close my eyes and lean my head on Sookie's shoulder as the memories from night come rolling back over me. "As it turns out, I am happy that she was not there that night to see what happened."

Sookie's arms come around my neck again and hold me tight. She is fully aware of what Appius would have done to me that night. He did like his men. A shiver runs through me as the memories crash into me but that only makes Sookie hold on to me tighter. My voice shakes as I continue, "He made me call her to me. I tried to fight it but he was insistent on meeting her and pointed out that there was more than enough time for him to hunt her down, as he would have been able to feel her through me. Knowing that he would take his anger at me out on her if I did not listen to him, I called to her.

"She came not having any reason to resist my call. Appius introduced himself and I could see in her eyes when she realized that this would not simply be her meeting my maker. No, I saw and felt from her when she understood the situation. I felt the panic in her when Appius commanded me to torture her, knowing that I would not have a choice in the matter."

Feeling her panic and emotions had almost been strong enough for me to block out the pain caused by not immediately following my makers command. My memories go back to that night, seeing the pleading look in her face, feeling her begging me to be strong enough to fight.

She did not realize what would happen if I did. I should have seen it coming.

I lay down on the bed, not able to even support myself with sitting on it as my memories weigh me down. I do not pull Sookie down with me, but she immediately follows me down, curling into my side. I explain to her that I immediately felt the weight of his command. "I was desperate, however to prove that a maker's command was not final, that I would not have to torture my child."

"He proved you wrong, didn't he?"

"Not exactly," I tell her in a voice that is barely there. Her hand starts to stroke my chest and I focus on that movement as I take a breath that is unnecessary as I start to tell her the rest of the story.

"I fought it for hours, using all of my strength and concentration. It brought me to the floor and it was all that I could do to make sure that I would not strike my child. But what I fought against, Appius did with a laugh. All my energy was going towards not being the one to hit her, not being the one to hurt her. I did not have anything left to stop him from doing just that.

"It was when he started talking, taunting her as he was hitting her, saying she was not good enough, not strong enough to be part of his bloodline that I lost it. In that second I lost focus and went to lunge for him. But it was not him that I hit." I do not even realize that my hands have tightened around the comforter until Sookie gently puts her hand on mine and starts to rub them with her thumb.

When I start talking again, it is even more quietly. "The second I hit her, Appius lifted the command having gotten what he wanted. It was the last lesson he taught me. As I was lying there trying to offer comfort to Karin, my child that I had just struck, he sat there explaining what he wanted me to learn from the situation. Me striking Karin was a direct result of my emotions, of feeling my emotions. The anger that I felt at him saying my child was not worthy, that is when I lost my concentration and was no longer able to fight his command. I lost myself then. He had long before beat into me the importance of not feeling emotions. Well, in case I doubted his first lessons that night, I learned what happens when you let your emotions takeover." I turn my head so that I can see Sookie's face, knowing that I would be seeing tears streaming down her face from the scent of them in the air. But it is not pity that is causing her tears to fall. She is crying because she is hurt, that I am hurt.

"He let us leave after that, having had made his point. Karin was not well enough to travel by sea and I did not know if she would make the trip if I flew us either. We were stuck in that country with him and I awoke every night worried that he would call me back, call us both to him again. I was tempted to simply release Karin, to be able to put more distance between the two of them but she begged me not to. She said that feeling me was what she was clinging to while she was recovering. She must have been happy to feel my guilt.

"She allowed me to take care of her, to nurse her back to health. It took several months as she suffered silver poisoning and was still relatively young. She stayed for another month after she was healed, probably to ensure there were no lasting effects. But one night when I came back from feeding she was gone. She had left, not being able to stand to be with me, the one that should have never harmed her."

As I finish my tale, Sookie takes my head in her hands and brings my head down to her chest. She runs fingers through my hair and she takes a breath, getting ready to say something but it is not her voice that says, "That's not why Karin left you."

Pam POV

As I finish my phone call, I make my way back to Eric's room where I know he and Sookie still are. I am thankful that Sookie allowed me to rest besides my maker for the day. His comfort was something I really needed last night. It should figure though that the two days I have shared a bed with the little telepath I was in no condition to actually enjoy it.

Pity.

Eric's words reach me as I walk towards his room. I stop in the doorway, not wanting to interrupt the two. This is something Sookie to needs to hear to better understand Eric's stance on things like emotion. I have heard this fucking story before. In fact, I have heard it painfully twice, once from Eric and once from Karin. Though the main ideas are basically the same, the details are grossly conflicting between the two and that is something that Eric has never believed.

I stay standing in the doorway listening to Eric share this story with Sookie. If it was another human Eric was sharing this with I may be concerned however, I know hearing this will change nothing for her. I know she will see through Eric's version and understand what the rest of us see about the situation. And I am hopeful that she can get through to him where we have failed, where I have failed.

So I was willing to sit back and let her handle it. But I can't after Eric says that, that Karin left because of the pain he had caused her. The pain in his voice, the pain he is feeling with that thought is not something that I can ignore. After all these years, these decades, these centuries he still thinks that. And that alone almost kills me, faster than a stake to the heart would.

Eric and Sookie sit up when they hear my voice. Eric was so trapped in his story that he didn't even know I was here. "That's not why she left," I repeat to him, hoping that this will be the night when it all sinks in for him.

"It had to have been. Her pain; she could barely look at me afterwards."

That's another part of the story that was similar. It's true that it was difficult for Karin to be in Eric's presence after this all happened. But again, the details of why it was so difficult well, that is one more place where the details get a little muddled. I am quickly over to the bed so that Eric can not only feel the truth coming from me but also so I am close enough for him see the truth in my face. "Eric, she knew the pain it caused you. She knew that you tortured yourself over what happened. She knows that though she never once blamed you for anything that happened, you placed the blame solely on yourself instead of the one actually responsible for it."

I don't say who. I don't have to say who. I know and I'm sure Sookie knows where the blame really lies. And looking at Eric, I think this is the closest he's ever been to actually acknowledging where it lies himself. Not willing to lose this chance I tell him, "Karin called me tonight, Eric. She was concerned after you called her last night to make sure she was not hurt. She wanted to make sure that you were okay. That's where her concern was."

"It is misplaced."

"Eric," I start but he is having none of that. "No," he says loudly getting off the bed.

"We have been here before, Pam," he tells me. "The bottom line is that if I had remained in control of my emotions, if I had managed to keep my anger in check, I never would have struck Karin."

"And what good would that have done, Eric," I ask him allowing my voice to show my anger at the situation. "She wouldn't have been hit by you, but Appius still had a few hours of night left. You think he would have just stopped before he got exactly what he wanted."

"I hated every hit he applied to her body. I felt every injury. I felt all of her pain. I should have been the one to take away her pain. I should have been the one to make sure that she felt no pain. Instead, I contributed to it and I do not blame her for leaving."

I take his head between my hands and force him to look at me. "She didn't leave because of her pain, Eric. She left because of yours." And suddenly he was looking at me on his own accord, my hands unneeded to hold up his head. I keep them firmly on his face though as I continue to explain, "She felt it, Eric. She felt your pain at what had happened to her. She felt the blame that you placed solely on your shoulders. She left because she thought it would be better for you to not have a nightly reminder of what happened. She didn't want to leave you, she didn't. But she thought it would be best for you."

Eric opens his mouth, but closes it again. He sits down on the bed and places his head in his hands. "She should have hated me."

"She didn't Eric. She doesn't."

"I hated myself for a long time after that."

"Your blame was, still is, misplaced," I tell him.

"Not to me," he says sullenly.

"You feel my love for you," Sookie says suddenly. "Do you deny that I love you?"

"No," he says quickly and the truth of that statement can be clearly heard in his voice.

"You know that I love you. You have made me so very happy. You have seen me angry. Eric you have seen me feel all of these emotions. I learned not to keep them buried. I learned let them through. You taught me that is what's important when you wanted me to get help for my past. I want to feel them. Does that make me weak? Does that make me a failure?"

Eric looks disgusted at her words as he harshly shakes his head, stands up again, and loudly says, "No! Your emotions drive you. They make you fierce. They give you strength."

Sookie takes his hands in hers and raises them up to her lips and kisses them. "So how can my emotions make me strong but your emotions make you weak?"

"I am a vampire," he says, his words losing some of their strength.

"How about Pam then," the little telepath says bringing her attention to me. "Pam, do you love Eric?"

"I do," I say without hesitation and his eyes shoot at me. It is something that I have never told him, but not because I didn't feel it. It was only because I didn't think he could handle it. One, he was so sure that vampires couldn't feel emotion. Two, he didn't feel like he could be loved, didn't feel as though he was worthy of it. Sookie has managed to show him what I have been trying to for more than two centuries.

"Do you think she is weak?"

"No," he says and the truth in his voice is something that brings tears to my eyes. He looks straight into my eyes. I hope that it is understanding I finally see in his. "You are the opposite of weak. You showed much strength in your human life and the strength only grew when you became a vampire," he says talking to me as he answers Sookie's question instead of to her. The tears that started to build in my eyes start to burn as I hold them back. But I can no longer stop them from falling as he kisses my head and says quietly, "And in this case as in many others, you have proven to be stronger than me."

I close my eyes as he releases me from his hold thinking that we just may have gotten through to him. But he still says, "But it was when I let my anger take control, that's when I hurt her." But there is a question in his voice and for the first time he does not seem sure about his beliefs any longer.

And I want to make sure his old, incorrect beliefs go right out the window.

I start to open my mouth but it's Sookie's voice that says, "You were burying your anger Eric," as she holds his hands in hers. "You found out what happens when you bury your emotions. When you hide them and you try not to feel them. You can't keep them buried forever and they will eventually explode. That's when you lose control."

Eric stays quiet and I can feel his emotions though the bond and I am not surprised that they are all over the place. Sookie logically just argued against what he had been thinking was true for centuries. The two of us watch as Eric takes in her words and is seemingly thinking them over. I can clearly see that his first response is to again argue. But he doesn't and that gives me the hope that Sookie has done what I have failed to do for hundreds of years.

Sookie, seeing the potential progress she has made continues to talk. "Emotions aren't always fun and games, Eric. They can make you incredibly happy but it's true that they have the ability to hurt you. But we need to feel them, Eric. We need to let them out. When we don't they just build and build and that is when people can get hurt in the crossfire."

I can see all the thoughts pass through Eric's eyes and then watch as the emotions expand upon his face, which is not something he allows often. He goes to say something but looks between Sookie and I and rethinks whatever it was that he was going to say. After another minute he says, "You know, for the longest time I took that final lesson from my maker to be true. It is something that I carried with me through the centuries as something to never forget. And because of it, I simply existed with very little joy in my life because what was the point?"

I get nervous at his rhetorical question worrying that maybe Sookie's words hadn't sunk in as well as I thought they did. "But I can no longer say that," he says and I am filled with hope. "During the last few months, I have felt more joy than in the months before combined. I have learned what the point was. I have felt more than I ever had. You taught me how," he says indicating to Sookie. "You helped me to understand what was missing from my life. You helped me to understand what I have been feeling from Pam, almost since she rose as Vampire. You both have been trying to show me, trying so hard to teach me. And I do not know why I was clinging to the false lessons of my past, but I am hoping the two of you will continue to show me how wrong they were."

Sookie immediately takes him into her arms and I hear her whispering, "I love you," softly into his ear. I am trying to wipe the tears from my eyes but Sookie is having none of that and pulls me into their embrace, just like the one shared the previous night in Eric's office.

Except Thalia isn't here to run into my back. And I find myself missing that.

As I stand there holding onto my maker and to this little part human that wormed her way into our lives I smile, as I have never felt what I am feeling now from Eric. For the first time since me made me, he feels at peace and that is all that I want for him. As I hear Sookie sniffle however, I find that I will not be at peace if any of her snot gets on my clothes, or in my hair. When I say that out loud, I feel a hand hit the back of my head.

And it wasn't my maker as he is quickly across the room getting tissues for Sookie.

Before I can say anything, a sound suddenly moves through the room, and it seems to come from the little part-fairy. She pats her stomach and says, "Well, this human needs to eat."

"I'll put something together for you," I offer. Okay, so I may have a plan when I offer. They both look shocked at my words, but I ignore their looks and turn and start to walk out of the room. "I have got to see this," Eric says and I can hear them both start to follow me into the kitchen, which may have been part of my plan.

"Breakfast," I offer when I get into the kitchen and see what we have. The pancake mix looks like it will serve my purposes. Sookie shrugs and says that if I am cooking she's not going to be picky.

I follow the instructions and add eggs and milk to the dry powder that comes in a box. I am in the middle of stirring when I 'accidentally' lose control of the spoon and a spoonful of the now wet mixture goes flying through the air.

And lands directly on my maker's face. Payback for the roll.

"You did that on purpose," he says as he wipes it off his face. I simply shrug but am not surprised when I feel much of the glob I threw at Eric hit the back of my head as I turn around. Quickly, I throw another bit of the mix at Eric while throwing some of the dry mix at Sookie.

Okay, it may have been more than some.

"You didn't," she sputters sending the white powder through the air as she speaks causing Eric to laugh, which may have been my secret goal of this whole endeavor. The pain of feeling and emotions is weighing heavily on him right now but I don't want him to forget the good that comes along with allowing yourself to feel.

"What are you going to do about it," I ask her and give her a bit of a wink.

I am surprised for a second as she turns on the water for the sink but understand her motives completely as she grabs the hose and I find myself a tad wet from the water that I was not able to dodge.

And there's no turning back after that.

Sookie stays by the hose at first using that as her weapon while Eric goes to the fridge and takes out the eggs. I really didn't think this through too much as three eggs hit me square on the head. Sookie and Eric team up on me at first. That is until Sookie finds herself with a little egg on her head as well.

After that, it's every man for himself.

I do save a little of the mix, after all Sookie does need to eat, but barely anything else in the kitchen is spared. When I hear the door open, I don't think much of it, as the scent of the vampire coming through is one of the other two Eric has given access to his home.

Thalia slowly walks into the doorway of the kitchen and takes in the scene. There is human food all over the place, and all over us. She looks up at us after looking around the kitchen and says, "I don't want to know."

I hear the sound of it moving through the air right before the egg cracks right on Thalia's forehead. How it managed to survive until now I do not know. What I do know is we all fall silent as we take in the look on Thalia's face. To quote Sookie, she is not a happy camper. But a smile appears on her face and she is soon laughing, which gets Sookie to laugh, which sets off Eric's laugh.

And seeing my maker happy after everything that had happened, well that has me laughing.

Hello dear readers. Thanks for reading and I do hope you enjoyed this chapter as we learned a bit more about Eric's past and just why he is wary of feeling certain emotions. We have had this title before but as it signified a big turning point for Sookie in Amnesia, this is a big turning point for Eric. Let's just hope he turns the right way, shall we? ;)

Thanks again for reading.