Three months went by, and Jack and Ianto continued to spend every Saturday afternoon together without fail. Their friendship was becoming deeper and deeper. They'd gotten really close, and Ianto would even say that Jack had reached best friend level, right alongside Tosh. They talked about everything, continued to have ridiculous amounts of fun together, they cared deeply about each other, and it felt like they could trust each other with everything. Well, almost everything. There's still something that Jack felt he couldn't tell anyone, not even Ianto. No matter how close they got. He didn't know that it would change soon.

It was another regular Saturday, and they were just finishing lunch. Ianto had just started making coffee (Jack had actually bought a decent coffee machine for him, so they could have Ianto's fantastic coffee every day they met. Ianto had been astounded, but he'd also learned not to be too surprised when Jack did something amazing. It was just who he was. It didn't make him any less grateful, though). Then Jack's phone chirped, indicating he'd just received a text message. Ianto was so used to them sharing everything, that he didn't think twice before turning to see what it was about. That made him catch the shocked expression on Jack's face, and him going pale, as if all his blood had been drained from his face.

"What is it, Jack?" Ianto asked, concern marking his features.

Jack was stupefied for a while, and it took him some time to realise that Ianto was talking to him. "Oh, it's nothing."

"What do you mean it's nothing, you look really upset."

"Um, it's just my brother. Something's happened to him."

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah, yeah." Jack's eyes weren't really focusing on anything, and he was still pale.

Ianto didn't know what to do. Normally Jack told him everything about his family, and the fact that he wasn't being forthcoming now was deeply worrying him. At the same time, he could practically see Jack building walls all around himself, and Ianto felt like he shouldn't push him. Even if they had become accustomed to being always completely honest with each other, Ianto respected his friend's privacy. He assumed Jack would tell him what was going on when he was ready. He was still lost in thoughts when Jack seemed to finally start coming out of his trance.

"Um, would you mind leaving? I need to call my brother."

Ianto felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. Rationally, he knew that Jack had every right to want to be alone, considering that whatever happened was clearly affecting him tremendously, but he couldn't help but think that Jack just didn't trust him enough, despite everything they'd been through these past months. He quickly berated himself for thinking like this, and started getting ready to leave. "Yeah, sure, I'll go."

Jack was already at the door when he was done, opening it.

"Um, call me if you need anything, okay?" Ianto tried, feeling like he was practically being shoved out the door.

"Yeah, I will." Jack said, but he looked like he wasn't paying any attention to what he was saying. The door was slammed as soon as Ianto crossed the threshold.

Ianto felt awful. He was extremely worried about Jack, and feeling utterly useless. He wished he could help, but Jack had made it quite clear that he didn't want him around. Hell, he didn't even know what was happening, how could he even consider helping? He felt even worse when he realised that if the roles had been reversed, Jack would've found a way. He started his way home while calling Tosh, hoping he could see her earlier that day.

Jack went back to the kitchen to his phone. He reread the message.

"Hey, Jack. I don't really know how to tell you this... I saw John the other day. I tried to hide so he wouldn't see me, but he did, and followed me. He tried to be casual, the bastard, and started asking about you. I told him you had moved away. I'm sorry, I thought that was the best thing to do, I thought that would make him back down for good. He got that sick glint in his eyes, you know which one, and muttered that he could have a lot of fun tracking you down. I'm really sorry. I just thought you should know. Call if you want to talk. Love, Gray."

Now that he was alone, Jack could let his emotions run freely. He had no intention of calling his brother, he wouldn't be able to talk to anyone at the moment. He could feel it coming before, and now it'd started to blow with full force. He hadn't had a panic attack in a year and a half (since he'd moved to Cardiff), but he could still easily recognize the signs. He barely remembered walking to his room, sitting on his bed with his knees drawn close to him, holding as tight as he could. The tears wouldn't stop flowing, he was hyperventilating, feeling his heart drumming in his chest, as if it wanted to fly off his chest through his ribs, cold sweat drenching him, and fear running through his veins, reaching every fibre of his being.

Jack felt miserable to realise how much power John still held over him, after all these years, and all the distance. He realised now that he'd been lying to himself. Nothing would make him forget what the last two years with John had been like. The threats, the emotional abuse, which had left deep scars that sometimes he felt would never disappear. He couldn't say what bothered him more. All the awful things John had done, or the fact that he felt like the weakest person alive for allowing John to make him feel so bad, so worthless. It was still hard for him to understand how it all had even happened. He just knew that where John was involved, he felt this irrational fear, as if he were a meaningless bug that could be crushed on a whim. As much as he'd gone back to behaving like his old self, lively, confident, deep inside he had all those deep-seated insecurities that made him feel like he was nothing, and he knew that whatever he showed people was a big fat lie. He wasn't charming, funny, handsome. He was a minuscule excuse for a person, who didn't deserve the very air the breathed, the space he occupied on Earth. He tried to hide it, so, so deeply, but many nights he still thought that he should just die already, and stop being such a waste. At least, that's what John had taught him, repeating it over and over for years, until it was the only truth Jack could ever believe.

The only reason he'd even stayed with John so long was because John had started making threats of violence. He said (and proved) to Jack that he had many 'friends' who wouldn't bat an eyelash before hurting him or his family. Even after they had (finally) broken up, staying in the US had been terrible. Every time he saw someone who remotely resembled John, he'd have anxiety attacks, thinking about all the terrible images John had put in his head for over two years. Life for him was becoming impossible. That's when the offer to move came, and he thought that was a blessing from the heavens. He'd been worried at first, thinking that disappearing might put his family at risk, but they convinced him that most likely the distance would make John get over him, and they would be fine. With that, Jack accepted the offer, and for the first time in a long time, he felt hopeful, believing that he would finally be able to breathe again. Now it could be all over. If John decided to look for him again, Jack had no doubt he'd found him. And he was terrified of what that could do to him.

God, he had to stop thinking about all that. It was driving him out of his mind, the realisation that the nightmare wasn't over, it would never be. There were so many memories running through his head, and he just wanted to bury them all again, like he'd done since he'd come to Cardiff. He fought really hard to regain his control, to repress it all again. He'd do everything he could to go back to pretending none of that had ever happened. But it was almost an impossible fight.

He had no idea how long he sat there. After a while, exhaustion took over, and he fell into a fitful sleep. He had nightmares all night, and he not always could tell what was real and what wasn't. The first signs of sunlight filtering through the curtains finally woke him up definitively, and he lay there, discomforting thoughts haunting him. He started recalling what had happened the previous day, and thought that maybe he should call his brother after all. Now that he'd calmed down a bit, maybe Gray would help him see the situation more clearly. There was this running loop in his mind of the shock he'd felt when he first saw the message. It threw him completely out of sorts, he could barely think straight. And them he remembered: Ianto. Oh, God, poor Ianto. He'd practically thrown him out of his house, without a single word. Even through all the confusion that still addled his brain, Jack could still remember the concern on the other man's face, and how hurt he looked when Jack shut him out. After everything they'd been through, Ianto deserved better than that. But what could Jack have possibly done? He really didn't want Ianto to know about any of that, and he certainly didn't want to fall apart in front of him. Still, he could have at least been nicer to him when he'd asked to be alone.

Jack would have to make it up to him. He just had no idea how, especially if he couldn't tell him the truth. He would have to figure something out. He just hoped Ianto wasn't as hurt as Jack thought he was.

It was too early to call Gray back home. Or too late. He wasn't sure, this whole time zone thing confused him. Still, he didn't want to risk waking him up. But if he knew Ianto, he'd be up soon, too anxious to start tidying up his flat. So maybe he could do something about that first. He got up to shower, and try to decide what he was going to do.

An hour later, he called Ianto, hoping he was already up.

"Jack, thank God! I was so worried about you."

"Hey, Yan." Jack tried to sound cheerful, but feeling awful for letting the other man worry for so long. "Did I wake you?"

"No, I was already up. How are-" Jack didn't let him finish.

"Listen, would you mind if I came over?" Whatever he was going to say, Jack knew it had to be in person. "I'll bring you breakfast."

"No, of course you can come. But you don't have to worry about breakfast."

"I'm bringing you breakfast. I'll be there soon."

"Okay." Ianto sighed resignedly. "See you soon."

Jack was exhausted, constant fear never leaving his mind, and all he wanted was to go back to bed and hide forever. But none of that mattered now. He had to make it up to Ianto, so he would put all that away, and make things better with the other man.

Half an hour later, Jack was knocking on Ianto's door. Ianto opened it to find him, holding a bag with pastries in one hand and a tray with freshly pressed orange juice in the other (he knew better than to bring coffee, knowing that Ianto would rather make his own), remorse written all over his face.

"I'm so sorry, Ianto." He sounded deeply ashamed.

"It's okay, Jack. Just come inside." Ianto moved to let Jack in.

Jack got in, but stopped, having taking only two steps.

"No, it's not okay, the way I treated you yesterday was appalling, I-"

"Jack, just come sit down." Ianto interrupted him, lightly pushing him towards the kitchen.

Jack finally moved, dragging himself, and sat at the table. Ianto followed soon after, and took the seat opposite him. He could see that Jack was struggling with something, so he decided not to push, and waited for the other man to start talking.

After a long while, Jack took a deep breath and started talking.

"I can't really tell you what happened. It's... Something happened to me a while back, and my brother sent me a message that reminded me of it. As you could see, I still can't deal with it. I don't talk about that with anyone, for many reasons. Please know that it doesn't mean that I don't trust you, because I do. You know I have no problems with sharing everything about my life with you. I just can't talk about this particular thing."

"Okay."

Jack took another deep breath.

"It's not okay, not really. It doesn't matter how I feel about the whole thing, I should never have treated you that way. It's just... I completely lose control where that subject is involved. But that's no excuse, you deserved better."

"Jack, I understand, really." He reached to hold Jack's hand. "You don't have to apologise. I was just upset because I wanted to help you and I couldn't. But I understand, if you don't want to talk about it, it's okay, you don't have to. Ever. Just know that I'm here for you. I'll always be. Even if I don't know what it's about, I can still see how much it hurts you. And you don't have to be alone with the pain if you don't want to." He gave the hand he was holding a reassuring squeeze. "I'll do whatever you need me to do, okay? I'll leave you alone, or keep you company without talking, or help you get distracted. Anything you need, you can just ask."

"I don't deserve you." Jack finally looked up from the spot on the table where he'd set his eyes from the moment he'd sat down.

"Yes, you do." Ianto smiled at him fondly. "And what can I do for you now?"

"Can we just eat, in quiet?"

"Of course we can. I'll make us some coffee."

They ate slowly, both of them completely lost in thought. Ianto still felt kind of useless, but he knew that what he'd offered Jack was the best he could do. He could feel that Jack was very unstable, and he didn't want to do anything to push him, or make him feel pressured. He would just try to do whatever Jack asked him to the best of his abilities.

After they'd finished eating, Jack was still quiet, eyes unfocused. Ianto got up to do the washing up. Fifteen minutes later, he put another mug of coffee in front of Jack. At first he thought he hadn't noticed, but after a short while he picked it up and took a sip. They sat there drinking their coffee, still not talking.

A long time later, Jack finally focused his eyes again, looking at Ianto.

"I should go. I'm keeping you from your routine, I know how much you hate that."

"Don't be daft, Jack. You're more important than my need to keep everything tidy."

"Wow. I think that's the best compliment anyone has ever paid me. I didn't think anything was more important than that." He graced Ianto with a tiny smile. Ianto just laughed at that. Jack laughed, too, softly. "Thank you. For everything."

"Whatever you need. I mean it."

"Would you mind if I stayed a bit longer, then? I need to call my brother, but it's still too early there. I don't really want to be alone. I don't need you to be with me, you can do your stuff. I just want to know that there's someone around."

"Sure, Jack. Stay as long as you like." He smiled at him. "I'll go do my things, but call me if you need anything. I promise you won't be bothering me."

"Thanks."

A couple of hours later, Jack had moved to the living room, and was pretending to read a book. He turned the pages every once in a while, but Ianto could clearly see that he wasn't paying any attention to what he was doing. He wished there was more that he could do, but that was hard considering he had no idea what was making Jack feel that way. He hoped that he was at least being supportive enough. And then Jack got up.

"Okay, now I really should go. My brother is probably up already."

"Okay, Jack." Ianto thought of offering Jack to make the call from his flat, but he'd obviously want his privacy, so he didn't say anything.

"Thank you for putting up with me."

"As far as you're concerned, it will never be putting up." Ianto lead him to the door. "Is it okay if I call you later?"

"Yeah, it's okay." Jack smiled weakly at him, but it seemed a little more sincere than it was when he had first gotten there. "Talk to you later."

"Later."

A/N: So, this is where things start to get bad. Let me know what you think of how it's all going so far. Thank you for reading and reviewing.