Author's Note: Hi all! Sorry for going so long without an update. Friday and Saturday were ridiculously busy, then on Sunday I wound up in the emergency room with a *really* bad sinus infection. So much pressure behind my eyes that it was altering my vision. But I am thoroughly medicated now and beginning to feel better, and hopefully will get back to normal updates. Thank you all for your patience.

Bright Blessings,

~Rae

Liara

The elevator door opened on the weapons bay. I exited and paused to admire the further technological marvels of the Normandy SR2. The room buzzed with activity. Techs ran diagnostics on hardsuits emblazoned with the Cerberus symbol; there were multiple tables with weapons in various states of modification. Mechanics hovered around a state-of-the art shuttle, turning wrenches, yelling orders, and performing a pre-flight inspection with an alacrity and knowledge that put the Alliance military to shame.

Serena stood in the center of the organized chaos. Even though she had her back to me, I knew her body, the strong, lean lines, powerful curves, straight shoulders and back. She cut a swath through the space in which she inhabited, claiming the ground she stood on with nothing but her presence. She was a force in this galaxy, and once we loved. Once, she died. Once, I shattered.

Still, I am broken.

Still, she loves.

Shepard turned around and our eyes locked. I remembered the first time those silver stars lit on me…how afraid I had been. How desperate I had been to prove my innocence. Slowly, the fear had drained away and the admiration had come to dwell. Now, the fear returned. I had wronged this woman in ways that she had no knowledge of. What gifts she had given me, I had abused. What strength she had unveiled in me, I had adulterated.

I walked towards her, wishing that I could rewind time, if only to be in her arms without the gulf of misdeeds, regrets, and pain dividing us. I remembered her strength and her passion, the ferocity of her kisses. I remembered how terrifyingly gentle she could be when she touched me, when she took me. So gentle that I trembled from the force of it…I remembered the rough way in which I had taken others, the demands and the dominance pushing the memories of that gentleness away. Making a tender touch a terrible thing, a thing that I avoided, despised, and refused.

I had not only wronged those whom I had touched. I had wronged myself.

I remembered the dream that had brought my mind from its entrenchment of bitterness. But I knew that words could not be unspoken. Once breathed, they were stamped in the universe, an inexorable moment in time. I could not change what I had said, and in her eyes I could see a steady determination, a centered mind, and an unending, eternal pain.

She suffers and continues to fight for and defend the galaxy. I suffer and exact retribution from myself. We are so different and…and even though I have already walked in this galaxy longer than she ever will…she is wiser than I. But I spoke against her love to her face, stamping that declaration in the permanence of the past that cannot be altered...can it?

"Welcome to the party." Shepard said with a small, soft smile.

I wanted to weep. I wanted to cry because I had once been the cause of that smile. I had once touched the heart of a warrior and made the both of us better for it. I had once been a source of strength. Now, I used the strong. I manipulated. I conquered in quiescence. I deceived…but now I could not lie. Not to her. Not to myself…

"I will not do this anymore!" I shout, throwing a sworling ball of biotic energy against the wall.

The sound of shattering glass does little to soothe my aching spirit, and the crack in the structure cannot appease my chaotic soul. I feel broken yet again. She has once again tried to fit me into a mold that I cannot conform to. I cannot sit at her feet and adhere to her teachings, I cannot move within the political and religious circles and bend others to my will.

I want my own life among the stars. I want the great mystery in my hands, the dust of time filling my palms. I want to seek out the galaxy and know it and claim it for my own in a way that will send ripples echoing through the galaxy. Life is long and bountiful and I desire all of it. The secrets, the sanctity, the sacrilegious…I want to hold it all.

"What is it that you will not do?" I hear a calm, competent voice from within the room, and I look up to see my biotics instructor.

I stand silent, a furious violet blush blooming across my cheeks. I know that, if Benezia had seen, I would have disappointed her yet again.

"Well?" Shiala asks.

"I have been offered a scholarship with the oldest and most respected university on Thessia." I speak between clenched teeth. "I spoke to mother of it and…and she refused permission!"

Shiala shrugs. "You are only thirty-seven, Liara." she says, calm. "Matriarch Benezia has her reasons."

"She wants me to be her, Shiala!" my temper gains the better of me. "You…you know me better than she does. Am I anything like her? I am not eloquent, nor am I patient, nor am I all the things a matriarch embodies! I am young and I want to take hold of my life and she is restraining me and I hate her!"

Shiala's eyes blaze and I take a step backward, even though she has done nothing. I lower my head in shame over my outburst, though I know my teacher will not speak to Benezia of this conversation. She loves my mother deeply, and to speak of my hatred to Benezia would endanger the messenger's standing in the matriarch's eyes.

"When your anger departs, Liara," Shiala says, her tone even, though touched with concern and even a hint of affection, "you will understand your mother's reasoning. And if you ever speak of hatred again, if it is something you insist on holding close, then I will break you of it by force."

Confusion compresses my brow. "You cannot take my emotion from me, Shiala. If I wish to hate, then I will do so."

Shiala purses her lips. "Very well then." she says in the matronly tone that always grates in my hearing. "But you will learn soon, Liara, that hatred is not its own force. Hatred is love that has been murdered, and to hate will harm no one but yourself, and damage all that you might wish to preserve."

"What are you saying?" I ask.

"You cannot hate but that you once loved, deep, pure, and true." Shiala advises. "When you have calmed, speak to your mother again. Speak to her with the love I know you have for her. Ask in humility, not in brazen arrogance. Show that you have wisdom, and the wise will concede. But do not murder your love."

A warm embrace jolted me from the memory and, stunned, I wrapped my arms around the body gripping mine with tight, affectionate strength.

"Liara!" I heard a familiar voice, scratchy from an emitter, and felt the hard face-plate of a quarian helmet against my shoulder.

Tali released me from the embrace and stood back, looking at me.

"I thought I would never see you again!" she exclaimed. "You look well, and it is wonderful to have you with us once more." the quarian looked to Shepard. "Is it not?"

"Just like old times." Shepard answered with emotion she did not...could not feel, because she had been asked not to.

By me. I have asked her not to love me, for I believed that I hated her…but I know now. Hate is not always its own thing…it is love that has been murdered. Once, a bright star lived in my heart, and I pulled it from its sky and buried it in the ground. I wonder, does it shine still in its grave?

I heard the harsh click of a gun being snapped into a magnetic holster. Garrus walked up to us, adjusting the sniper rifle on his back. I winced at the sight of the scars on his face, and I wondered how close he had come to death. The scars were harsh enough that I knew the wounds had been deep. Deep enough to kill.

Guilt washed over me yet again. I had not even known…we had been friends, we had fought beside each other…and I had left him, Tali, Wrex, and Ashley behind. Now, here I stood in the guise I had become accustomed to. Using them for my own mission, my own purpose. They would face danger for the asari who had abandoned them and discarded their friendship without their consent or knowledge.

I will change. I promised myself as Miranda sauntered up. Shepard put her life on the line to protect me when I joined her squad. She stood before me as a shield, because she felt she owed me a debt. Now, I owe her. I have murdered my love, but I will no longer give hate precedence in my heart. I will be her shield…all of their shields.

"All right." Shepard clapped her hands together as the chosen squad assembled. "Tali, you'll stay shipboard and work with EDI on the technical difficulties we're sure to come into. The Shadow Broker's never been found, and I'm pretty sure it's because he's the best of the best. My bet is that he's going to try to hack our comms and heads up displays. I'll need you two to counter those hacks as best and as fast as you can. Garrus and Liara, we'll be the strike team on the ground. Miranda, you'll be in the shuttle doing forward recon. EDI's already told me the scanners are jammed, so we're pretty much going in blind…"

"Shepard, no." Miranda countered, soft, edging closer to the commander. "I need to be on the ground, with you."

Shepard's expression immediately darkened. "Is this some sort of Cerberus oversight thing?" she demanded, her voice made of ice. "Because…"

"No." Miranda shook her head and her blue eyes glittered with something unsaid. "It's personal. But Thane would also be the better choice for your forward reconnaissance. His skills are better suited to finding us the swiftest, most undetectable route into the Broker's base."

Shepard pursed her lips. "Fine then. Miranda will join the ground team. Tali, go get Thane and brief him. The rest of you, get suited up."

Shepard and Garrus departed like the true soldiers they were. Miranda and I remained, staring at each other for a moment.

It's personal. Her words whispered through my mind. How personal? Then again…she is the woman who brought Shepard back into the world of the living. But is she protecting a physical investment of money and time…or an emotional investment of her heart? I do not know and I do not want to ask.

"Why is it you insist on invading this mission?" the words spilled from my lips before I could think to halt them. "Just as you did the last?"

Miranda did not look fazed in the slightest. "Because Shepard is fighting alongside you, Doctor T'Soni. And, if I know your history correctly, and I believe I do, then you're the greatest threat to the commander in the galaxy. The galaxy needs Shepard. Alive."

I know that. I have always known that.

"I'm no threat to Shepard." I spoke, but I knew the words were untrue.

Actively, no, I was no threat to her. But she loved me, still, after all that had happened. And love made sacrifices. My soul shuddered as I realized that Miranda did not join us so that Cerberus would know our every movement and decision…but so that another sacrifice was not made for something…someone…worth so much less than a galaxy of lives.

"You know you're lying." Miranda scoffed.

"Yes." I muttered, turning away from the operative and towards the technician who beckoned me to one of the weapons benches. "I am well aware."