Liara
[You're never coming back, are you?] I watched Zhira's amethyst eyes darken with pain across the link.
I shook my head. "It's too soon to know." I answered. "I do know that I will remain here for quite some time. There is so much to do, and learn, and if I am to be…"
[The next goddess-damned Shadow Broker.] Zhira grinned and for a moment her pain did not seem so complete. [That's a story for the ages. Shame it'll never be told.]
No, it will not, I thought, letting my mind drift to the stories that might, someday, be given voice in a time far separated from this one. This time and this change will be bound to the darkness, locked within the minds of a few. But there will be other stories to stand in its place…such as the tale of a soldier who braved the horrors beyond the Omega Four relay to save the galaxy that disowned her…
[Li?] Zhira's voice crackled across the link. [Liara, you still there?]
"Hmmm….what?" I shook myself and looked back at the screen. "Yes, I am. Forgive me. I got lost in thought for a moment."
[It's all right.] Zhira's eyes narrowed and she scrutinized me. [You look like you're about to pass out, Liara. Get some sleep before you fall over.]
"Are you…are you angry with me, Zhira?" I asked, too tired to translate her tone or attempt to read her body language.
[No.] Zhira smiled. [You did what you had to do in an impossible situation. I guess I'm just sad I can't join you. Everyone who's anyone knows that the Broker wanted you dead…so I have to stay here, build a cover for you, make sure no one has a reason to even think you might be the Shadow Broker. We'll keep in contact but it will be a long damn time before we see each other in person again.]
The words, said with nothing but the utmost practicality and Zhira's consistent forthrightness, struck like a fist in my gut. I had become very close to her, and would miss her physical presence in my life. It would not be the same, speaking over a tenuous comm-link between the stars and planets. She had saved my life, and helped me become once more someone sane, someone of worth, someone with purpose. She had guided me through my grief.
A maiden's first heartbreak…for most asari, it is something that their mother guides them through. With wisdom, caring, love and understanding. I wonder what Benezia might have said…what help she might have given me, what wisdom she could have offered. But she belonged to the universe the day my heart was shattered, though perhaps, in some way, she guided Zhira to me.
Thinking of the distance between Zhira and I, and thinking of the mother I had lost, I felt suddenly very young again. Standing in the Shadow Broker's ship, knowing that I wore that title now…it seemed like a dream. An unimaginable fantasy that I might have read about in a holo-novel. Certainly not a life. Most certainly not…not the life that was mine.
I looked up at my counselor, partner, and friend. "I will…I will miss you, Zhira."
[Same here, Li. But this isn't good-bye. It's never good-bye unless you let it be, or you make it happen. I know that you're going to be the best damn Shadow Broker this galaxy has ever seen. I also know how hyper-focused you can be. Don't forget the one who helped you become what you are.]
I stared at her, my brow creasing in confusion. "I could never forget you, Zhira. Why would you even…"
[Because I'm not talking about me.] Zhira's tone grew exceedingly serious. [I'm talking about the woman who fought a yahg hand to hand, with no weapons or biotics. You don't owe her your heart or your love, Liara, but you owe her a damn thank you and some peace of mind. You're strong enough to face what's between you. You wouldn't have crossed paths again if you weren't.]
I nodded, accepting the truth of her words, letting them blanket the fear still burning inside me as I thought about the woman recuperating in the Normandy. It had never been the right time for us, but we had still fallen together. She had come back, so she said, because she heard my heart screaming in the darkness of her death. It sounded so far-fetched, so utterly mad…but part of me, the part that had seen Avi Rivera carrying Serena from the rubble of the Citadel, believe her words to be truth.
"I will speak to her." I promised Zhira, watching a wicked, blazing smile cross my friend's face.
She truly finds joy in the steps I am taking, I thought. How rare it is to find one who will do nothing but glory in the triumphs of their friends, free from envy, free from bitterness? Someday, Zhira, perhaps I will be as altruistic, kind, and fierce in this galaxy as you are. Someday I will be able to own all that I am without insecurity…and that will be your gift.
[Good. I'm going to hold you to that. And now, you've got company.] I glanced backwards and saw Feron entering the room, moving gingerly but without burden. Doctor Chakwas had cleared him four hours ago, and he had asked to come aboard the ship that had been his prison.
"Zhira, wait…"
[Don't put your life on hold.] Zhira gave me a look full of meaning and intent. [Live it. Embrace it. Accept it. Enjoy it. You and I, we'll talk soon. I love you, Li.]
Her last words stunned me and it took me a moment, but I put my hand out, touching the screen as if I could touch her exotic features. She had never said that before, but in her every action she portrayed it, in her every word she offered it. I felt remorse, embarking on a new adventure, leaving her to guard what we had established…knowing that she did it with joy…joy borne from love and connection and true, lasting friendship.
"I love you too, Zhira."
[Get some sleep.]
With those last words, she disconnected the call, leaving me in the deepest part of my new home, my new title, and my new responsibilities. I felt a warm hand land on my shoulder and I turned, looking into the deep gold couched in a sea of black. The mischievousness was gone from them, burned away, I imagined, by two years of torture. But they were the eyes of a man who had been a friend to me…a man that had suffered while I wallowed and persisted in self-pity and self-destruction.
"I knew you'd come for me." Feron whispered.
"I took too long." I lowered my head in shame. "I lost myself and I…"
"You did what no one else would do." Feron interrupted. "Liara, I've worked in this business for a long time. I've known the type of people that most information brokers are, and I've been the disreputable sort of miscreant that they hire. Anyone else would have left me to rot and thought I deserved it for doing the stupid thing I did. I knew you weren't like that."
"You don't know what you're saying." I murmured.
"Oh, but I do." he replied, a little bit of that cocksure, arrogant personality emerged, the drell who had called me a slave in order to break in to the Shadow Broker's base on Alignon. "People in this business do what they do for power." he tucked a finger under my chin and lifted my eyes to his. "You did it for love."
I began to weep again, remembering when what he had said was true. It had been love that drove me. But it had also been anger, pain, and despondence. It had been bitterness at the helm of my actions, bitterness that had blinded me to sense…that had saved Shepard's body from the ravages of the Collectors.
"I also did it in anger. I did it in pain. I lost myself to that pain, Feron, and you suffered for it."
He nodded. "But I bore the consequences of my choice, Liara. You're not to blame for that, and you have the chance to repair whatever you believe needs fixed. I'd…I'd like to stay here, on this ship, and see what it's like to wield power from a place of love instead of greed."
His words humbled me in my spirit, and within myself I fell to my knees, asking the Goddess how and why so many saw good in me, when I could not see it in myself. How Shepard could still insist that she loved me, how Zhira could trust me not to fall back into my old ways, how Doctor Chakwas and Joker could be so kind as to give me the truth even though it hurt. How they could all have faith in me when I had none in myself.
"I am honored that you wish to stay." I said. "And will welcome your knowledge."
"Just so you know," he smiled and looked abashed, "I'm a little…not right in the head anymore."
I nodded my understanding. "Do not worry." I assured him. "I once loved a woman who was…is…not right in the head either."
Feron's eyes softened. "You loved? No chance of a happy ever after for you and the ressurect then?"
"I…I don't know." I admitted. "She is going to go through the Omega Four relay, Feron. That is a suicide run and you know it. I can't…I can't risk loving her again, because I will risk losing her again."
"If I remember the story, you fell in love while she was in the same situation. No guarantees that she would always be with you. Nothing but hope in the future, hope in tomorrow."
"You remember correctly, and I remember as well." I told him with a soft, sad smile. "But I am on this side of tomorrow, Feron, and I…I don't know what to do."