Liara

My creature, my monster, the owner of the meld, pulls the needle out of Serena's arm. Its eyes dance as it licks the needle, tasting the remnants of vehemence and blood. The slow smile spreading across its face sickens me, but there is nothing I can do. Control has been sundered; this moment was asked for, and now I pay the price for the grudges and hurt wrongly held.

Serena's body goes limp in my arms and, ashamed of the intimate way in which I am touching her while she falls victim to my memories of anguish, I remove my hand from her intimate place. I know that my monster wishes me to leave her to be battered by the ocean waves and the memories, for me to flood her with pleasure while it shatters her with agony. I know that the shrine of my pain wishes to break her until she is nothing but shredded flesh and supplication and apology…but such a thing is not right. It is not what should be.

I cradle Serena as the waves of the ocean lash out against us. Her head falls back, her eyes wide, but seeing nothing of where we are. She is lost in the past, lost in the desperation of the life that I allowed to fall into hell without her. The life that I damaged. The pain that is my responsibility.

The spray washes over Serena's body, flooding her wounds with salt, but she does not cry out. I fight against the sea, struggling to get her to shore before the raging storm around us carries us away…to a place we will never return from. The water burns in my eyes and Serena grows heavier in my grasp, but I am determined…determined not to lose her, even if I myself must be lost.

After what seems like an eternity, I stumble onto the sands. My breath is heavy in my chest, my body freezing outside of the water. The woman I love is naked in my arms, covered in scars and in new wounds and in blood. She shudders in the chill and her lips work back and forth in soundless words as she watches my life play in front of her eyes.

"Serena!" I call her name, desperate for her to return to me.

I need to beg forgiveness. I need for her to know that I have seen the multitudinous errors of my ways. That I am sorry for the darkness in my heart that sought to hurt and that, here, still seeks.

This is not what I wanted! Why did you have to ask for this!? Why did you demand to know!?

"Why did you acquiesce?" my obsession-monster asks.

I look to the sea, where it stands on the surface of the churning, angry waves, hatred-eyes afire with triumph. I loathe myself for allowing it to exist. Serena and I still possessed a chance. We might still see our way through, and I feared, now, that I might squandered it. It cannot be possible to love another who would let their own misguided pain and self-exacerbated sorrow become its own entity that devoured and destroyed. I do not even think Serena's heart is that strong.

"Because she…"

It sneers, cutting my words short. "It is true that your human lover asked for this, but there is equal truth in the fact that you did not have to say yes. As much as you now want to be altruistic, as much as you now realize your mistakes, you did not care enough to save her from my truths, or yours." It mocks me as it treads on the water, pacing back and forth across the waves. I glare at it with all of my loathing, all of my hatred, all that it comprises I fling against it with my eyes. "Do not look at me." it orders. "You have seen me and known me for two goddess-damned years. You have acknowledged me, at times served me, and now I simply wish to serve you."

I shiver from the bitter wind and the bite of its words. I turn my eyes from it to Serena. Her silver eyes are fixed on me, her lips frozen open. I know that she bears witness to the two years of her absence. I know that she is seeing the murder of the Matriarch Avarya, the fight against the Collectors and the Shadow Broker. The loss of Feron. The hallucination of Avi. The myriad bodies whose names I cannot remember, though I shoved my pain into their bodies in the most intimate of ways. She sees me fall further and further into the tailspin of insanity until, at last, I find respite in the drugs and attempt to end my life with them.

This is far crueler than any retelling. Had I simply used words, had I simply spoken to her, I could have softened the blows of the truth, I could have explained those moments in my life, then covered that wound with the knowledge that I had changed and seen my way clear from the self-inflicted torment. But here, mind to mind, soul to soul, spirit to spirit, and heart to heart, there is no way to do such a thing. She is trapped inside my memories, feeling my emotions as though they are hers.

Every bitter thought is hers to know. Every dark secret is splayed open before her. And every tear shed, every curse flung at her dead and absent body is screamed against her ears in the darkest of voices. My voice. The voice made of my pain and my anguish…the voice that I indulged and allowed to speak to me for far too long.

The monster of my pain strides across the waves, filled with purpose and intent. It alights on the beach, its feet leaving no prints in the sand as it approaches me. I rise, moving towards it, placing my body between it and Serena, willing to fight this thing, willing to quiet its malevolence, to absorb its vitriol. Its lips curl in a mocking, dismissive smile.

"I am you." it claims. "Though you may not realize it, you have been attempting to slay me since I made my presence known. You've failed. I am part of you. You cannot destroy what you have created."

"You will not touch her." I claim, wishing that this moment had never happened, wishing that I had done as the creature said I might, and not allowed Serena what she asked to possess.

"Yes, I will." it claims, reaching out, pushing its fist through my chest and squeezing around my heart.

I fall to my knees and it follows, smiling wider when I gasp in choked agony and anguish. It keeps its fingers there, releasing and re-applying the pressure, allowing my heart to beat, but showing me who here shall rule. I have had my chance multiple times, and I have failed. There is nothing now that I can do. It slides its hand from my chest, leaving me doubled over on the sands, naked, freezing, struggling to breathe.

It walks to Serena's prone body, humming the tune of the song she sang the day above Alchera. The song about returning home…the song about the relief at the end, in death. The song of pain coming to a close, reaching full circle and resolving itself. It kneels beside my commander, my Shepard, extending a hand that begins to glow, and I know that it intends to obliterate her heart. It intends to take its vengeance, to make her regret dying by tearing her out of life in a slow, painful vice-grip.

"N…no." I pant, clawing my way across the sands, too far away to be able to stop it as it reaches towards Serena's chest.

Its hand rests over her breast and my lips part in a scream as its fingers begin to sink through her flesh. I am going to be forced to watch her die again, and there is nothing that I can do to stop it. A prayer to every god flies through my mind, to no avail. I am going to watch Serena die…she is going to…and I never had a chance…never took the chance to change anything.

Its hand presses deeper into her body and I feel tears burning down my face as I attempt to scream with a voice that still lacks enough breath to power it. A sadistic, gleeful smile covers my monster's face. It knows that triumph is assured. It knows that it has won.

I scarcely believe my eyes as Serena's hand reaches up, latching around the monster's wrist. Shock filters into the eyes made of hate as my lover sits up, her every muscle taut, her silver eyes filled with the same fury they directed towards Sovereign and the Shadow Broker…the fury that is the last sight of her enemies. Slow, she pulls its hand out of her chest, leaving a bleeding handprint there, more blood spilled, more life stolen…more pain that she does not deserve.

"You can't break my heart, you know." she says it as a statement, firm and without faltering. "You can't break anything about me."

I expect her to retaliate against the part of me that would see her ended, the part of me that I allowed to live in my heart and fester, to become an infection that took good pieces of me and ate them away. I expect to see the valiant soldier conquering my pain-obsession monster and proving to me that she can surmount it. But I know already that she is able…she has already lost every battle she ever will.

"I can make you bleed." it claims, struggling in Serena's grasp. "I can wound you. I can remind you at every moment what you did to me. The horrors that I have endured. I can make the love in your heart turn bitter and poison everything within, as it has mine."

Serena smiles and I do not understand the expression that lights her features. It is purity, ferocity, and the ragged, war-torn beauty of a soldier.

"No you can't." she whispers.

Serena reaches up, caressing the monster's cheek. Its hatred-eyes fill with confusion at the tender touch from a bleeding hand. Serena cups the back of its neck, pulling it close, and, so gentle, so tender, she presses her lips to its own. A noise of choked surprise shreds out of its throat as Serena deepens the kiss, pouring her passion and her strength into the very heart of bitterness and loathing.

It sets its hand against her chest again, pushing and straining against the fresh wound...but it makes no progress. It cannot penetrate her skin. It cannot do anything more than touch her. Serena breaks the kiss and looks into the eyes that hate her and I can see in her silver gaze that she knows everything. She has seen the sum of my history, the sum of my hatred and sorrow and grief and still she looks it in the face.

"You can't break my heart. You can't poison it." she declares, voice calm. "Because there are some loves that outstrip the sum of the heart. I don't just love you with that…I love you with all that I am. Enough to see your pain, respect it, honor it, and accept it in my love of you. With that said, it's time that you go back where you belong."

"I will not leave!" it shouts, straining to pull away from her, still held in her iron grasp. "You owe me, Serena Shepard! You have stolen from me, and I will be repaid!"

"How?" Serena asks it. "How can I repay you? I didn't make you. I didn't push you in any direction that you went. I don't owe you anything, but I'm offering you my love, my compassion, my caring. You want to break my heart, you can try all goddamn day. At the end of it, do you really want to break something that belongs to you?"

It draws back, eyes filled with a shock that overrides the hate.

"Yeah." Serena whispers, laughing even though she bleeds. "It's yours. Once, you saw fit to make your home here. And I saw the hell you went through. I felt and heard how much you hated me. I cried with you, shot up with you, fucked away the anguish by your side. You think if I hate you that it'll be easier for you to keep living as you have these last two years. But I'm never going to hate you. You're part of Liara. And I'll always love you."

I reach them now, looking at the human woman who knows more of love than I might ever be able to fathom. She takes the monster's hand in one of hers, and with the other, she takes my hand. In slow, measured movements she places our hands together until I and the monster of my pain are connected.

"One and the same." Serena states. "Not separate. Not different. Not one more powerful than the other, if you don't let it be. I've seen what you want me to see, Liara. I'm sorry you went through all that...absolute hell and misery. I couldn't be there then. I can be now. I am, now. So once again, it's your choice, álainn anam. It's who you want to be."

I breathe deep, understanding her words, interpreting their meaning in the manner I once did. Trusting in the love she has for me. I close my eyes and feel the skin of the monster fading away. My bitterness fills me again, but this time it does not overwhelm me. The anguish and the sorrow and the memories are there, the sins are there, the crimes are there, but they no longer rule me. For the first time in two years, I feel calm in my soul.

I open my eyes and there is Serena. Her skin is scarred, but there is no sign of blood, no sign of the wounds inflicted by my suffering. She has risen above them, for she was able to see from the beginning what I am only now seeing. That I am, even with my pain, even with my sin, even with my anger, still worthy of love…not because of my own merit, but because she has chosen to love me with something deeper than her heart.

"Serena," I squeeze the hand that I still hold, "I do not…I do not want to be in this place anymore. I want…I want to be in my own mind once more, alone."

A half-smile quirks her features. "I'm ready when you are."

I close my eyes and extract myself from the meld, severing myself from the faster beating of her heart and the flames of her blood. I fall backwards into myself until I can feel her skin and spirit once more separate from mine.

I opened my eyes and looked at Serena Shepard…the woman who loved me in ways I did not even know love was possible. The pain in my heart felt distant, like a very, very old wound, more the memory of an ache than anything else.

Serena rose, her hand touched my cheek and I lowered my eyes from the heat of hers. I felt her breath on my face and smelled the strong spicy sweet of wintergreen.

"Liara," her voice rang low, reverent, "do you love me?"

I trembled from the force of that inquiry, from the weight of my answer, the burden I would carry eternally based upon my reply. I thought of the very real monster of pain and bitterness still living within me, the distant ache that might roar when touched upon again. I recalled every moment of agony endured after her death, every misstep that I had made, and the very real chance that such a thing might happen again.

She will go through the Omega Four relay. She will face down the Collectors at their own base and attempt to rid the galaxy of their scourge and free us from the Reaper's use of them. No one has ever returned from beyond that relay…but I am eye to eye, naked in bed with the woman who came back from death itself. She returned for me, and though she would not give me her promise to always return…I know that she will try with all that she possesses to do so.

But…I gazed into her eyes, the luminous silver that could hold a universe of promise, that could kiss my manifest anger with the pure intent of love. …but I can I love her with such ferocity when I am so afraid of losing her once more? How can I counterbalance my fear and my love…I am strong, but I do not possess her strength. I want so much…I need so much…but this decision may break me and leave me broken for the rest of my long life. I think all of these things, I feel this maelstrom of emotion but all that I can think is…all that I can know is that I must listen to my heart. My mind will avail me nothing here…for it is there that fear dwells. It is there that I do not wish to risk something as exquisite and powerful as love because it might be torn away. I am afraid, but I must not answer in fear. I must answer her in truth.

My eyes absorbed the image of her, stamping it in my memory, to hold forever in case what happened above Alchera transpired again. I took a portentous breath to breathe the words that would change my life irrevocably.

"Serena," I spoke my words, my truth, my heart, "I…I am very much afraid. Afraid of the monster that lives inside of me, of the anger and pain that I know can drag me beneath the sea and drown me."

"Liara." Serena whispered, unswayed, unable to be distracted. "Do you love me?"

"I don't want to." I admitted, ashamed for the utterance, ashamed because she had offered me all of her strength and all I could give her was the evidence and reality of my fears. "But…but I do. I do love you, Serena."

The bright silver filled with the most beautiful emotion in the galaxy. Hope shone out from Serena's eyes and she took my hand. I could feel the tremors beneath her skin. I could feel the shuddering of her chest as she struggled to breathe through the immense flood of joy swelling in her heart. She leaned forward, then her lips were on mine…her spirit reaching out and begging for affirmation.

I returned the kiss with ardor and passion, letting the embers of love in my heart re-kindle and spark into a roaring conflagration. I wrapped her in my arms, pulling her closer, pressing my breasts against hers, swallowing her throaty moan of pleasure and content. I could taste her fervor, drive, and passion; her wish to pour it into me, to plant a seed and let it grow.

Serena broke the kiss and lowered her head as she struggled to regain composure. Then her eyes were on mine, burning like the heart of a star.

"Liara," she spoke my name as though she were supplicating herself in prayer, and I was the goddess to whom she prayed, "I want to make love to you."

With those words, I suddenly felt shy, unprepared, and as impossibly naïve as I had been the night I offered myself to her. I lowered my eyes and felt her shaking as she waited. I looked inside of myself and saw the fear within me, the undeniable chance that I might lose her again. I had given her the truth, but did not know if I was ready to face the physical establishment of that truth. The fear gnawed at me…but I had new knowledge now. I knew that I could make such emotions into a monster that might guide and dictate the rest of my life, and I did not want that. Inside my mind, I locked the door to my fear, acknowledging its existence and forgiving it because my fear, like my anger and hurt, were part of me, and Serena had proven that she could and would endure all the darkness within me if it meant having…me. And my love.

Tears pricked at my eyes, spilling over when I at last met her eyes again. She waited for my answer, patient, unobtrusive, loving me in the way she knew I needed love. With my fear locked away, not forever, but to be addressed later, I gave Serena my answer.

"Please."