*I was reading through some of the reviews. Thank you all so much! Life happened. Being a lawyer is very time consuming. But then I caught I covid, so I have some time to kill. Btw, some of your reviews made me laugh and smile. More reviews, please. I am beginning to have writer's block. Also being cooped up for isolation is driving me nuts. Thank you, Milli!
Chapter 31.
Over the next few days, which painfully turned into weeks, I hurried through my work and paced inside the walls of our okiya like a restless animal. Mother thought I had gone deranged or had gotten worms from eating food gone bad. Pumpkin said nothing in her sullen silence, but Auntie gave me knowing looks.
I said nothing to Auntie about my visit to Mameha. I doubted Auntie wanted to know, anyways. Her exhaustion was evident in every moment that she was awake, and it was clear that she meant what she said. Auntie was not long for this world.
Another thing for my conscience to prick at as I waited for any sign that Mameha was ready to meet with me. The money that could have went towards Auntie's medicine was placed securely in Mameha's safe. Still, Mother and I did everything we could to ensure that Auntie was as comfortable as possible. We doubled the layers of her futon, hoping that she would not feel the cold as much. We propped her head up to try to ease the cough.
Still, Auntie's vicious cough could be heard throughout the okiya at all hours of the night. It kept us all awake but even Pumpkin did not dare to complain.
Mother went out of her way to buy precious white rice and some dried fish. I cooked it into a congee for Auntie even though her appetite was gone. I was reminded of my mother before my sister and I were taken from our home. I remembered how my sister Satsu had cut herself on the fish but now I could not even remember if my mother had eaten any of that fish.
I comforted myself thinly with the thought that Auntie didn't seem to be in any pain. Mother had offered to buy opium for Auntie, but Auntie shrugged and said she didn't need it, yet. I discreetly took Aunties' blood-stained handkerchiefs and burned them. We did not dare bury them in the garden or burn them outside for fear the neighbors would see.
Because Etsuko had left, and Pumpkin was up to her own devices, we had to leave Auntie alone during the day while we worked. We always hurried home to see to her comfort. Each day I feared that we would come home too late and Auntie would be dead. But Auntie hung grimly on, coughing throughout each night.
Pumpkin did not work in the factory like the rest of us. She complained about Auntie's coughing, but she mysteriously gave Mother enough money each day to satisfy Mother, so she was allowed to stay in the okiya. I suspected that Pumpkin was selling herself, but I never had any proof. Mother did not seem to care as long Pumpkin gave her money.
While Pumpkin scrambled to leave the okiya during air raids, we did not leave. Not anymore. We could not take Auntie with us to any bomb shelter, even though we had the ability to carry her feather light-body, the dark dampness would surely kill her.
When it was safe, and Mother was busy, she sent me on errands. Walking through the familiar neighborhood, I had some time alone to ponder my body and quiz myself as to whether I was experiencing any of the symptoms that Mameha had warned me about. I didn't feel anything particularly out of normal, but then again, we were all giving the best food to Auntie.
Waiting for any sign from Mameha, I didn't physically feel one way or another. I was so intently focused on waiting that only the barrier of time seemed to exist to me. Still, I took the time when I could and pondered any possible symptoms of being with child. I forced myself not to think too deeply on it. The possibility of being with child, Tanaka's child-was enough to give me nightmares. I could not afford the luxury of giving myself away to more troubling thoughts. Nobu was still in prison, and I had not heard anything otherwise that the government officials were letting him out.
Grimly, I often thought of the Chairman in my tormented wait for Mameha. Why wasn't he helping his best friend and business partner? Why had Nobu-san saved him in Manchuria? Why had Nobu-san permanently disfigured himself in order to save such a man who couldn't or wouldn't save him in return?
I was disgusted with these thoughts and angry. Mameha and I were only two women, now former geisha, and we were struggling to connive to save Nobu with our wits, lapsed connections and money that seemed an uncertain bribe.
Doubtlessly the Chairman had better connections and resources at hand to save his best friend?
If I knew where the Chairman was, I would have walked up to him and demanded an answer, but now that there was no demand for Geisha, information was scarce. I did not know if the Chairman was in Tokyo or Osaka. I only knew that Nobu-san was still in prison and I was in hell.
Then one day, Mother received a letter from Arashino. Mother fairly ripped open the letter, eager for news. Secretly, I thought Mother was waiting for news that the Chairman was sending the okiya money. Mother's beady eyes quickly scanned the letter. She threw it down in disgust.
"What is it?" Auntie demanded weakly from her futon. Mother's face darkened.
"Hatsumomo gave birth. Hardly noteworthy. I don't know why Arashino wasted the paper." The question was on my lips but I could not bring myself to ask. I was forever grateful to Auntie when she asked it for me.
"Well then? What is it? A boy?"
"A girl" Mother said dully. "Arashino wants us to take Hatsumomo back. He complains that he has not heard from the Chairman and with Nobu-san in prison, they do not have the resources to feed themselves, let alone Hatsumomo and her brat."
"So, Hatsumomo is coming back?" I breathed incredulously. Mother made a face.
"Not if I can help it. She won't get a sen from me. Arashino will have dig deep into his own pockets if he wants to send her back." Mother laughed darkly. "Maybe a bomb will fall on her. Good riddance!"
I said nothing at that. I hated Hatsumomo with a passion, but I could not commit myself to wishing ill on her child. Not after what I had did with Tanaka.
"Sayuri looks pale" Auntie rasped.
"I have been standing on my feet all day" I said. "I didn't have any lunch. None of us did today."
Fortunately, Mother's eyes were for my hands only. "Your hands are an absolute disgrace, Sayuri! You will never be able to entertain anyone of quality after the war ends if this continues. I will send you to get some oil for them tomorrow."
I agreed with Mother silently. It would give me the chance to see Mameha and see if she had made any progress.
"Eat something" Mother snapped at me as she stooped to pick up the letter.
"Yes, Mother" I answered automatically. Mother threw the letter onto the charcoal brazier. It burned quickly. I knew Auntie's eyes were on me so I went into the kitchen and peeled a cold yam. It was tasteless to me as I quickly ate it.
With all my heart, I wished for tomorrow to arrive sooner.
After a poor night's sleep, where I tossed and turned on the hard floor, feeling the cold seep through my thin blankets, I woke up to Mother's complaints and Auntie's cough. In the cold, I dressed quickly. It was a day none of us had to work in the factory. I expected that today I would find my chance to seek out Mameha.
Listening absently to Mother's litany of complaints about men who fathered bastards and did not pay for their upkeep, I boiled Auntie's rice for congee.
I kept stirring the rice round and round the pot so that it wouldn't burn when suddenly, I felt flushed and light-headed. Luckily Mother had carried her complaints to the main room so there was no one there to see me put the spoon aside and drop to the ground, holding my spinning head in my hands.
I breathed deeply, willing myself to force my limbs to rise and ignore the spinning room. The precious white rice that Mother had bought at the black market for Auntie must not burn. I clenched my hands into tight fists and bit my lip until I drew blood. The pain gave me something to focus on.
Was this a sign that Mameha had warned me about? Or was it weakness from the constant hunger and the sleeplessness we were all experiencing?
I resumed my stirring. The rice must not burn. Mother could return to the kitchen at any moment in search of Auntie's breakfast. Or worse, Pumpkin.
"Sayuri, is Auntie's breakfast ready?" Mother called out.
"Soon, Mother" I responded as politely as I could. I dipped the spoon into the simmering pot. Quickly, with a fingertip, I scraped off a piece of rice and tasted it to see that it was cooked through.
It was done.
Licking my bleeding lip, I concentrated at the task at hand.
Pouring the congee into a bowl for Auntie and adding a spoon, I carried it steaming to the main room. I handed the bowl to Mother. She was the best at coaxing Auntie to eat.
"Really Sayuri your hands are atrocious!" Mother exclaimed when she took the bowl from me. "When I am finished with Auntie, I will give you the money for oil and I will insist on you soaking your hands for a whole hour."
"Who will Sayuri be entertaining?" Auntie coughed. "A general?" It was like Auntie was attempting to make a joke but falling short.
"This war can't last forever" Mother muttered, giving Auntie a spoonful of congee. "When this is over, I expect Sayuri to become the most highly rated geisha in the whole of Gion again."
"Yes," Auntie agreed, pushing away Mother's coaxing spoon impatiently like it was an irritating fly. "Sayuri has a future."
The way Auntie said "future" made my skin prickle.
"Better give Sayuri the money to get oil for her hands" Auntie coughed. "She's not accomplishing anything watching an old woman dribble food down her chin." Mother looked at Auntie doubtfully.
"Alright" Mother agreed. She seemed to not want to agitate Auntie into a coughing fit. Mother slipped her hand into her left sleeve and retrieved a wad of paper money.
"Take this, Sayuri. Use it well, understand? I don't want your hands looking dried out fishmonger's hands."
"Yes, Mother." I took the money from Mother and carefully tucked it into my own sleeve for safe keeping.
"What I wouldn't give for some decent tobacco!" Mother muttered as she picked up the spoon and resumed her coaxing Auntie to eat.
"Mother, where is Pumpkin?" I asked, cautiously looking around the main room for Pumpkin's lurking presence. If I managed to get away to Mameha's apartment, I did not want Pumpkin following me.
Mother sniffed. "Probably whoring around somewhere. I don't care where she is so long as she brings some money into this okiya, unlike her useless older sister."
"You should throw that useless slut out into the gutter where she belongs! She will bring nothing but shame to this okiya!" Auntie coughed out angrily.
Mother looked surprised at Auntie's vehemence. It was not like her to take up so against Pumpkin. Usually that job belonged to Mother.
"Yes, of course" Mother murmured soothingly to Auntie. Mother gave me a look to leave before I angered Auntie further. I needed no other cue to make my exit.
With the money secured in my sleeve, I bowed quickly to Mother and Auntie and left the okiya.
Once I was out onto the streets, I realized that all the vendors in the black market would just be setting up. It was too early in the morning to get the oil for my hands. Silently apologizing to Mameha for undoubtedly disturbing her one day of rest, I made my way quickly to her apartment.
Just as I was in the middle of the small bridge that crossed over the Shirikawa, I suddenly paused. I tried not to stumble as the world around me began to swirl again, just like earlier that morning in the kitchen. I tensed my body, willing it to stop, but to no avail. The world continued to move and sway in front of my eyes.
On wooden legs, I made it over the bridge and quickly found an alley. It would not do to make a scene in front of the neighborhood. I tried to take a deep breath, but I gagged. The smells of rotting fish and night waste infiltrated my nose.
I reasoned to myself that the smells from the alley were enough to make anyone gag. I pulled my sleeve over my nose and again steeled my legs to move. The world had not stopped its jagged movements. I felt drunk as I approached Mameha's door.
Gasping clean air, I bent over and placed my hands on my knees, struggling to stay standing. The downwards movement only made me dizzier. I knocked quickly on Mameha's door. Thank the gods she answered quickly.
"Sayuri?" Mameha was alarmed at my appearance. "Come inside quickly!" The way Mameha helped inside her cool and dark apartment reminded me of my days as a young apprentice geisha and I was stumbling home drunk.
"Oh, Sayuri-san!" Mameha murmured softly as she helped me lower myself to her tatami mats. Vaguely I heard the soft patter of her feet moving away from me. Mameha came quickly back to my side with a cool wet cloth. She laid it on my forehead.
"Mameha" I groaned.
"Don't try to talk, Sayuri. Just lie still. It will pass." I tried to say Mameha's name again but the world would not stop moving and then all I knew was darkness.
I awoke to Mameha slapping my wrists and fanning my face. Thankfully the world had stopped moving. My body ached and I shivered.
"You were only out for a moment" Mameha reassured me. "Do you think you can sit up?"
Moving my aching body, I obliged her.
"I'm so afraid, Mameha" I whispered, dreading the unspeakable.
"We don't know what it means, yet" Mameha soothed me gently. "Remember, we planned for the worst, Sayuri-san."
I struggled not to cry. Mameha renewed placing the cool cloth on my face.
"When did you last eat, Sayuri?"
"I don't remember" I admitted softly. Mameha brightened.
"You still have not had your courses, I assume?" Mameha questioned gently.
"No. They have not resumed." Mameha gently touched my cheek.
"Sayuri, we are all slowly starting to starve here in Gion. Just the other day, a girl in my factory fainted, no doubt from hunger. This does not necessarily mean that you are with child."
"Hatsumomo had her child" I choked out weakly. "It was a girl." Mameha gave a soft laugh.
"Hatsumomo is like a cat. She could give birth in the street!"
"I am not giving birth to anything! "I vowed with as much strength as I could muster.
"We will go see the doctor as soon as you are able to walk" Mameha reassured me. "But first you must try to eat something." Mameha was as practical as always. "Sit still while I find something for you to eat." That was easy enough. I certainly had no plans to move from my spot at the moment.
"One of the benefits of living alone" Mameha said handing me a tin box of western biscuits. "A gift from a former patron. Try one." She opened the tin box and placed it in my lap.
Pale, round crackers encased in thin white papers were arranged in rows. I took one as Mameha requested and nibbled at a corner. It tasted surprisingly sweet.
Mameha brought out her large thermos of hot water and placed a cup in front of me. "Now, where does Mother think you are right now?" She poured warm water into my cup.
"She thinks I am at the black-market buying oil for my hands." I had finished the biscuit with little trouble, but my throat felt terribly dry. I gave a dry cough. I was grateful for the cup of warm water that Mameha poured for me.
"That's something we can take care of quickly." Mameha poured water into her own cup. "My work at the factory doesn't cause my hands to get wet. I have an almost full bottle of Camellia oil you can take home." Mameha looked at her still smooth, white hands. They were still the delicate hands of a dancer—the hands of a geisha. Mameha gave a small, rueful laugh.
"You know, Sayuri-san, I should not be laughing" Mameha shook her head. "This is no laughing matter. There is a war going on, Nobu-san is in prison. The Baron has deserted me. Yet, I still have all of these things. Things I couldn't bear to part with when Gion was closing its business."
Mameha's eyes had a far-away look to them. "I must have picked up this habit from the Baron. He liked to treasure useless things."
"One-san, you have saved me over and over with your precious items" I protested weakly. Mameha raised a delicate brow.
"Someday, perhaps you will understand. But you are still so young."
"I don't feel young" I told Mameha.
Mameha laughed softly again.
"That shows how young you are still" Mameha said. "Do you think you are the first woman to go through this kind of situation?"
"No" I answered, lowering my eyes in shame. "But Mameha-san, do you think Hatsumomo loves the Chairman? Did you love the Baron?"
I felt deeply ashamed asking Mameha these almost impertinent and deeply personal questions, but I felt like my heart was drowning in its own blood at what I had done with Tanaka, at what I had done to Nobu-san behind his back.
"I did not love the Baron" Mameha answered slowly but firmly. "I very much doubt that Hatsumomo loves the Chairman. However, you forget that it is not our place to love the men we encounter. We are geisha. We are not wives." Mameha paused, thinking deeply. "You should know by now that it does not take love to create a child or to give one up."
I winced at Mameha's sound logic. She was correct, as always.
"However, Sayuri, I know that Nobu-san cares for you, and that you care deeply for Nobu-san." Mameha went on slowly, as if each word was new to her. "But I've noticed, no I know that this kind of caring can be dangerous. You can lose yourself in it. It's a choice."
I wanted to protest that I was not lost. I wanted to tell Mameha that I had no choice, but it wasn't so. I made my choice.
"I have known Nobu-san for many years" Mameha continued. "He certainly has been kind to me in his own way, as well as the Chairman but I have never seen Nobu-san look at another geisha, let alone another woman the way he looks at you. If there wasn't a war happening, I would be almost jealous of you." I widened my eyes and this must have startled Mameha.
"I mean it in the kindest way!" Mameha quickly assured me. "I am no Hatsumomo, however I almost envy the way Nobu-san treats you, like a priceless treasure. Certainly, the Baron looked at me like some sort of treasure, but it was different. It was not the same."
Mameha looked at her delicate white hands that still held great beauty and grace, carefully studying them.
"No, the Baron never looked at me like the way Nobu looked at you. I was a treasure, of course, but I was just another ornament to him. A very expensive ornament, of course. Something to be admired."
"Mameha-san, you are a very beautiful woman."
"So is Hatsumomo!" Mameha laughed lightly, flexing her delicate white hands. "To be a successful geisha, certainly one must possess some degree of beauty. I spent the greater part of my youth cultivating my beauty for a danna like the Baron. It is no great secret that the Baron's wealthy patronage paved my way to success and independence." Mameha looked around her large apartment.
"But as far as loving the Baron? The thought honestly never crossed my mind, Sayuri. Like I said, I was an ornament and the Baron had no qualms if other men admired me."
Inwardly I squirmed. I personally found the Baron to be among the vilest of men. But my deeply rooted respect and admiration for Mameha as my older sister kept me from voicing any opinion regarding her danna, then and now.
However, I had always wondered, albeit now foolishly- if Mameha had loved the Baron and perhaps there was something to the situation that I wasn't capable of seeing? I recalled how Hatsumomo had cried angry, bitter tears when Mother had forbidden her from seeing Koichi. It was clear that Hatsumomo had loved someone and paid dearly for it.
"We both know how Hatsumomo is" Mameha said.
"A wild tiger in heat." I said, sipping my warm water. Mameha smiled.
"You must be feeling better, Sayuri. Yes. Crude, but precise. We three, Hatsumomo, myself, and you—all possess significant beauty but you are still so young, Sayuri-san. You show your heart." I blushed.
"Nobu-san has been so kind and generous …" I began softly but Mameha shook her head sadly.
"Sayuri, you cannot fool me. You risked everything when you spent the night with Tanaka. For what? To save Nobu-san."
"I never imagined it would come to this" I admitted weakly. "I didn't think."
"Water never stops to think" Mameha said. "But as your older sister, and as the person who pushed you towards Nobu-san, I should have protected you better. I should have taught you how to…well it's no longer important."
The unspoken words hung between us. We both knew and understood what was at stake. Mameha had warned me repeatedly that Nobu-san was someone that did not let go of things easily.
"What is important now is that Nobu never finds out about Tanaka and that my person is reliable."
"Person?" I questioned. Mameha just shook her head.
"Eat another biscuit, Sayuri-san. You are still so pale." Mameha gestured impatiently towards the box.
"Mameha, I do not want to eat your food, you must have so little" I protested.
"I have more than enough, besides, I live alone. You will need your strength for the walk to the doctor's. I have no intention of being seen dragging you along the streets of Gion and starting gossip."
I almost smiled. Mameha's tone was not unkind. I knew she was trying to distract me from thinking the worst.
I forced myself to take another biscuit. I coughed on its dryness.
"Have some more water, too!" Mameha admonished, quickly pouring more warm water in my cup. "I wish had tea leaves to add to it" she apologized.
"I keep meaning on bringing some tea" I coughed out. The biscuit was really dry.
"This is hardly a social visit, Sayuri" Mameha reminded me, gently patting me on the back.
Coughing, I hardly needed reminding.