Chapter Twelve

Quinn clutched Rachel's hand from across the table, not caring that their joined hands were on display for everyone to see, laid together in the center of the table. When Rachel had entered the coffee shop her steps had been clumsy and there was a disconnected look in her eyes. When she had sat down across from Quinn, Quinn had immediately been able to smell the smoke on her. Rachel had allowed her hands to splay out ungracefully onto the table, and Quinn had gathered them up.

"What happened?" Quinn asked urgently, squeezing her hand and craning her neck forward and down slightly.

Rachel let out a subconsciously held breath. She was looking up at the ceiling, and even though her lids didn't hold liquid in them her expression suggested that she might cry. "She wants me back." Rachel looked down to meet Quinn's eyes.

Quinn's eyebrows knit together in a frown.

"Shelby invited me to come and live with her."

"So what did you tell her?"

"That I wouldn't."

One side of Quinn's lips twisted to the side in a sympathetic grimace. Then she looked down and there was silence as they both studied the table.

Rachel knew that Quinn must be confused with the lack of information given. "She had cancer," Rachel said in an attempt to help explain, "that's why she gave me up."

Quinn looked up in shock and confusion. "What?! I don't understand..."

Rachel hesitantly but thoroughly explained Shelby's story.

"And you still don't want to live with her?"

"I can't just forgive her for my horrible past right away."

Quinn bit her lip. "You still blame her..."

"No, its not that I blame her, exactly, its just what happened, happened because of her choices, you know I'm not saying everything was her fault, but I'm just not ready to forgive her."

Quinn nodded.

Quinn's phone buzzed in her pocket and she pulled a hand away to retrieve it. When she looked down at the screen her eyebrows flashed upward briefly. "Martha says she's coming by to pick us up." Quinn texted back a reply quickly.

Rachel bit her lip, Martha the cheerleader had never been one of her favorite people in the world, but usually she didn't mind her that much. She was one of Quinn's slightly more bearable friends. Seeing her now though, would be particularly annoying. In the state she was in Martha would probably assume she had been dumped.

"Look, Rachel, I don't want to push you to spend time with Shelby, honestly she can be a bit selfish sometimes, which is obvious by the fact that she didn't tell you anything when she gave you up, she should have explained the truth to you then, but you can't just meet her once and then decide that's it. "

"Wasn't that the original plan?"

"Yes," Quinn smiled through her teeth. "But that was before we knew anything, now, you need to find out if the relationship she wants to have with you is genuine. I think it is, but it's always possible that there was some other motive."

"Quinn, I'm not interested in that, that's not why I'm holding back. I know Shelby, and the way she felt for me, I know that she wasn't faking it. I-I just, feel so uncomfortable around her, I can't imagine what it would be like to live with her, her constantly breathing down my neck, a-and judging my singing! What if she thinks I'm a bad singer? Or worse, what if she asks me to sing and my throat closes over like it did in my first glee rehearsal, I-I mean the audition."

Quinn watched her speak with a mixture of sympathy and longing, she wanted to be able to comfort her properly, to hug her, to hold her, to touch her, to make her feel completely in every part of her being the worth she held to Quinn. But since they were in the coffee shop she settled for resting her hand on Rachel's shoulder. "I know that the relationship that you have with your mother is really complicated, but maybe spending time with her will make the fear go away."

Quinn's hand slid off of her shoulder.

Rachel and Quinn left the coffee shop to meet Martha outside, who waved enthusiastically at them when she saw them.

Rachel decided she needed a second opinion. She longed to see Shelby again, but that didn't prevent the anxiety the thought caused her. Maybe it was just better to daydream about her. It was definitetly safer.

Ms. Pillsbury looked a little surprised to see Rachel in her office, Rachel hadn't bothered signing up for an appointment.

"Hi," Ms. Pillsbury said questioningly.

"Hi." Rachel let out a breath. "Um, is it okay if I sit down?"

"Go ahead, Rachel. What is it that you need?" Ms. Pillsbury slid on a small smile, and filled her expectant huge eyes with warmth.

Rachel tucked her plaid skirt underneath her as she sat, Quinn had told her to buy the more cheerful looking clothing item when they went to the mall over the weekend. "Um, yeah, I know me being here is a little weird," Rachel laughed nervously. "I-uh I just really need some advice about something."

Emma nodded. "Well, that's what I'm here for." She knit her fingers together and waited for a response.

"Its about my mom, my birthmother, actually."

Emma raised her eyebrows. "Oh?"

"She recently came back into my life, and she wants to be a part of it again, permanently, and I-I just don't know how I feel about that."

"Hm." Emma paused in thought. "Well," she said slowly. "Do you feel close to her?"

"Yeah, I mean I guess. Its so weird having her back. I mean I haven't seen her in so long..."

"So she almost doesn't feel like your mother anymore?"

Rachel was tempted to say yes. But what was the point of lying when she was trying to figure out how she felt? She sensed that Ms. Pillsbury was expecting her to be sensitive to this type of question. Still not ready to have the truth of her emotions manipulated out of her, Rachel remained silent.

Rachel shifted in her chair. In the soft, simultaneously soothing and uncomfortable silence Rachel spoke. "She asked me to live with her."

"Oh, wow. That seems like a pretty big thing for her to ask you on your first meeting."

"Well, she didn't know I was adopted, she thought I was still in foster care."

"So um, how did she react, when you told her you weren't anymore?"

"She was sad." Rachel said softly.

"And um, how did that make you feel Rachel?"

Rachel's heart pounded. "I..." Rachel looked into Ms. Pillsbury's large, contemplating eyes. "I didn't want to hurt her...I mean, I don't, but at the same time, I did. She um, she had a good reason for giving me up, but the hurt I saw in her eyes, it made me feel good..." Rachel said the last word weakly.

"Why do you think her hurt made you feel good?"

"Because I...because it was almost like she cared."

"But why didn't her asking you to live with her show that she cared?"

"It did...but I wanted to make sure that she meant it."

"Um..." Emma said softly, studying the table and giving Rachel a moment. Then she met Rachel's eyes. "What about LeRoy? Do you feel that he's been supportive of you throughout this difficult time in your life?"

Rachel nodded absently, wiping her nose and sniffing.

"And how did he react, when you told him?"

"I haven't told him."

"Rachel," Emma's already large eyes had widened. "That's a pretty big thing to keep from him."

Rachel sighed. "Its not like its a secret or anything, I just don't want to hurt him."

Emma nodded. "Rachel, its good that you don't want to hurt your father..." Emma paused when Rachel grimaced on her last word. "But I think its a little unhealthy for you to keep something that large from him."

Rachel shook her head. "I just don't see how it matters, I'm not interested in having a relationship with her."

"Are you sure? I've heard about plenty of adoptees who were reunited with there birthmothers and had quite satisfactory relationships with them. Of course there have also been some who it didn't work out for, everyone needs to work that out for themselves, but almost all of them at least gave it a try before quitting."

Rachel thought that Emma vaguely sounded like she was talking about smoking. "Yeah, but they didn't have Shelby Corcoran as a mother."

"Shelby Corcoran?" Emma said a little surprised. "The coach of Vocal Adrenaline?"

Of course Ms. Pillsbury had heard of her.

Rachel nodded, amusement mingling with sadness.

Emma studied Rachel's face and her expression changed. "Your not afraid to spend time with her because she's your rival glee club's teacher are you?"

"No." Rachel laughed softly. Then she sighed heavily. She had to get this off of her chest, it was the reason she had come here. She stared down at the wooden desk. Her eyes followed the pattern of golden lines running over brown, as she rapidly moved her fingers over each other. "Ms. Pillsbury?"

"Yes, Rachel?"

"When, when I said that I didn't understand my feelings, it was a bit more complicated than that, while its true that I don't understand all of them, I definitely know that one of the main things that I feel when I am around Shelby is anxiety, and what I don't understand about it is how to fix it."

"Well, there are a few different options for treating anxiety, it can be a very large barrier especially if it persist for a long period of time. Anxiety can be treated with therapy, or medications or a combination of both."

"No. I mean with all due respect, I'm just not interested in that kind of serious treatment right now. What I need is a quick fix. Something that will work right away."

"Curing anxiety is a long process, for some it can even be life long."

Emma surveyed Rachel's disapointed expression and sighed. "There is, one bit of advice I can give you though. Whatever it is your afraid of, if you really want a short-term cure, don't avoid it. This is, basic psychology, because whenever you avoid something or someone that you fear, it makes you feel relieved or even safe, and this only makes the fear stronger. So all I can tell you Rachel, is that if you don't want to be afraid of your mother anymore, your going to have to face her, and face the reasons you fear her, which will probably be easier for you to figure out after spending some time with her."

A smile had spread across Rachel's face. "Yeah,"she said nodding, "I think your right. Thank you."

Emma returned the smile. "I'm glad that I could be of some help."

Rachel started to stand.

"Oh, and don't forget to check back in and tell me how it went. By then I might even have a pamphlet for you." Ms Pillsbury beamed.

"Alright, I will. Thanks again, Ms. Pillsbury."

Rachel turned away from the office, her heart already beginning to feel less light as she walked down the empty hallway. She was going to face Shelby, but first there was something else she had to do. Right now, it was this thought that added weight to her gut.

So, I finally managed to write this. It was a bit hard for me to get back into it though, its weird, after spending so much time away from a story it makes it harder to remember the sort of, flow to it, the style. I hope everyone liked this short but sweet chapter, and I will try to get one up on more interesting stuff *cough* Shelby, as soon as I can. :)