Chapter Sixteen

Sunlight streamed in from the curtains onto the white bed. They still lay in the spooning position but they were a bit farther apart. Quinn drew patterns on Rachel's back, Rachel fiddled with the sheets. Sensing something was wrong, Quinn stopped, one finger still touching her back.

"How did you lose your virginity?" Rachel asked, as if given permission to speak. She hadn't asked about it before, because it seemed so obvious that someone like Quinn wouldn't be a virgin.

"When I was in middle school," Quinn said, massaging Rachel's shoulders with both hands in thought. "It was with one of my best guy friends, it was horrible. I think he hated it too."

Rachel turned around, eyes looking vulnerable when she faced Quinn. She propped her head up on one elbow. "That's unlikely," she said smiling in a soft way, like she was trying to compliment Quinn and be flirty, but at the same time, was sad.

Quinn grimaced. "Look, Rachel, I'm really sorry about the way that you lost-"

"Stop, Quinn," Rachel cut her off before she could say 'your virginity'. "I'm tired of you feeling sorry for me." Rachel smiled evilly, "I can take care of myself," she said, leaning in.

"Can you?" Quinn chuckled, excepting the kiss.

There was a knock on the door and they both started, tongues breaking apart.

"Don't come in!" Rachel called, her voice a bit high with desperation.

"Alright," came Shelby's voice, "Come out when you're ready, I'm gonna start making breakfast."

Quinn and Rachel looked at each other.

"Do you think I should sneak out the window?" Quinn asked in a whisper.

"I don't know," Rachel said. "I mean I think my mom is pretty cool about things, but I don't know how cool she is about this. The thing is, she might already know you're here."

"What, you think she would have opened your door or something when she got home?"

"Maybe, or she could have heard us talking."

"This is bad," Quinn said. "I should have been home already." She glanced at the alarm clock on Rachel's desk. "My parents will be awake by now."

"I think we're just going to have to go with it, and accept the consequences of-"

"No," Quinn cut her off, realizing her voice might have been a bit too firm. "No, I can get around this, I have to at least try. Go out there, distract your mom. No, wait for her to go to the bathroom, then knock on this door twice." They were on a pretty high floor, so sneaking out the window, unfortunately was not really an option.

"Wouldn't it be better if I just opened the door?" Rachel said, "Would cause less noise."

"Yeah, do that." Quinn said a bit impatiently.

As she sat in the room, waiting for Rachel to come back, she thought about her words to Rachel. It was true that she was always trying to escape her mistakes, to find the easy way out, the way around something. She felt her eyes and nose sting as she thought about how there were just some things that she couldn't escape. She sniffed, muscles tensing a little in determination. She wasn't going to let this ruin her. There was always a way out.

Rachel opened the door and motioned hurriedly for Quinn to come. Quinn got off the bed, but wasn't able to move quietly through the kitchen in her haste, she just hoped Shelby wouldn't notice the second pair of footsteps. She couldn't resist kissing Rachel one last time before she left.

~R~Q~R~Q~

"Santana I need your help with something," Quinn said. Brittney had just gone to third period, and her and Santana had different classes, so they were alone.

Santana scowled. "What? Another secret you wanted to tell me that you're hiding from your girlfriend?"

"Yes."

Santana rolled her eyes. "God, just break up with her already. Go date some bitch who deserves your fucked up idea of love, there's plenty, I'm sure you can find one on the cheer-leading squad."

"Look, I know that you're really angry with me right now, for keeping secrets from you and Brittney, and, well because of other awful fucked up things I've done, but I really need your help right now."

"Just tell me what it is."

"I need you to take me to an abortion clinic, I can't have this baby."

Santana's annoyed expression dissolved into a serious one, pupils large with sadness. "You sure you wanna do that?" She said, her voice softer than before.

Quinn swallowed. "Yes."

"Why not ask Brittney?" Santana said.

"Brittney wouldn't like it."

Santana sighed, wrapping her arms around herself like she was suddenly cold. "You have to tell her first, tell her, then I'll take you."

"Santana, if I don't tell her, me and Rachel can still be together, if I do, I'll lose her forever."

"How long do you plan on living a lie, Quinn?"

"I don't know, at least until I get out of high school," Quinn said.

Santana shook her head and started to walk away, Quinn sped her pace to keep up.

"Look, I can't lose her, Santana, what would you do, if it were you?"

"What would I do?" Santana whirled around. "I wouldn't let people push me around, Quinn, that's what I would do. See that's the problem with you, you always want everyone's approval, you want everyone to love you, and you know what I get it, I know how your parents are, and its fucked up Quinn, I get it. And I know how people treat lesbians, you don't think its hard for me too? It's hard, it's really hard, I know that. But just because the world's fucked up doesn't mean that you've gotta be. You made a mistake, Quinn, we all do, we're human. So now, you have to deal with what that mistake means. And if you run from it, that would be an even bigger one."

Santana walked away, leaving Quinn standing there with tears in her eyes.

~S~S~S~S~

Quinn met Rachel in the auditorium after school. She felt more nervous walking out onto that stage than she would for a performance.

"Hey," Rachel said warmly, meeting her in the center of the stage, taking her hands and tilting her head up to kiss her.

Quinn smiled, kissing her back, taking temporary comfort in Rachel's warmth, but feeling the sadness before they broke away.

"I know what we're going to do for our next date, we're going to have a picnic, in that beautiful little park near Shelby's place, I've got it all planned out, the food, we can get it from the french bakery and-"

"Rachel there's something I need to tell you," Quinn hated to interrupt Rachel when she was happily ranting on like that, but with every passing second she was beginning to feel more sad and guilty.

Rachel's expression changed to one of worry, "What is it?"

"Um," Quinn was finding it hard to arrange in her head what she was going to say. It was as if Rachel's large expectant brown eyes were sucking all of the words out of her head. "I love you Rachel, I really do...I well, what I did, it was a mistake, an accident."

"You can tell me anything, Quinn."

"Yeah but I don't want to...Rachel, I slept with someone else at that party. I slept with Puck."

Rachel's mouth hung open but she didn't speak. Looking down at those lips Quinn had the strong impulse to kiss them, but resisted.

"You slept with Puck?" Rachel's eyes looked suddenly distant, like she was in a different place, hearing Quinn from very far away.

"I didn't want to... And I didn't want us to be over. But I'm pregnant Rachel."

"So your going to be with him? Have the baby with him?"

"No. Rachel, I'm getting an abortion."

"Oh."

Rachel looked stricken. Frozen to the spot. She just stared at a place on the floor, somewhere past Quinn's feet.

"I'm sorry," Quinn touched her shoulder, meaning to pull her into a hug.

Rachel's hand jerked up, in a position like a kid would use if they wanted a high five, but like an adult would use if they meant stop.

Quinn withdrew her hand and looked down in shame. She wanted to comfort Rachel, but she was left with no other option but to walk away, leaving Rachel standing in the center of the auditorium stage with one hand still raised.

~R~R~R~R~

Rachel sat at the kitchen table in Shelby's condo, glaring down at her math homework.

"Rachel what's wrong?" Shelby said. "I know you hate math, but I know you don't hate it that much."

Rachel sighed in frustration. "It's Quinn, she's being, well I don't know what she's being."

"What happened?" Shelby set her coffee mug on the counter and came over to her. Rachel couldn't help noticing her eyes were a little over-eager in their compassion, like Shelby was a bit happy to have something to comfort Rachel for.

Rachel hesitated, she didn't know how much to tell Shelby, she didn't want Quinn to get into trouble, she figured her abortion wasn't exactly something she wanted everyone to figure out, like her parents for example. "Quinn just well..." Rachel sniffed. "She cheated on me."

"Rachel I'm so sorry," She pulled Rachel into a hug, and as Rachel cried onto her shoulder, she imagined that Shelby was probably trying not to smile. Not because she was happy that she was sad, but more because she was happy to have an excuse to hug her daughter.

"I don't know what to do," Rachel sobbed. "I love her, I still do."

Shelby stroked her hair, rocking her back and forth slightly.

Rachel pulled away, wiping the snot and tears off of her face with her hand. She wasn't in the mood for that much maternal comfort right now, she needed cold hard, factual answers, or, since that wasn't really possible, advice.

"What would you do, if you were me? Would you forgive her?"

Shelby grimaced. "I don't know honey, I mean to be honest, I've never really been in a relationship long enough to have to make that kind of a choice."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you've been with Quinn for a really long time, since childhood, you guys were best friends, and I'm pretty sure the feelings were stronger than that of friendship, even then. This is the point when you have to decide if you really want to be with her, or if you would rather be with someone else."

"But she cheated on me."

"Do you think you'll never make any mistakes? I can guarantee you that at some point in your life you will cheat on someone, but it doesn't have to be her. You can choose someone else. You can break up with her. Looking back on my life though, looking at what I have now, I wish that I had been able to forgive, that he...Chris, had been able to forgive me. Maybe then I would be married now, and you would have two parents instead of one."

"And I never would've gone to foster care, because he would have been there to take care of me."

Shelby grimaced. "Yeah. But you never know what would have happened."

"Aslan's wise words," Rachel said.

"So you've read the loin, the witch and the wardrobe, there must've been something right about the way you were raised."

Rachel smiled but it faded quickly.

Rachel looked down at her math paper, where the second problem was halfway done. She would have to think about what Shelby had said.