(A young woman (portrayed by Milly Konstantopolos), in a tank top, jacket, skinny jeans and sneakers, is kicked in the crotch by a smaller woman (portrayed by Mishti Patel))
Woman: OOOOOOH!
(She calls her insurance company)
Woman: Hello, Ichitech? Yeah, it happened...AGAIN!
(A female announcer, dressed in professional attire, portrayed by Mandy Thomas, starts speaking)
Announcer: At Ichitech Insurance, we create a plan specifically for you.
(Caption: Clam Insurance)
Announcer: It's called clam insurance.
(Caption: Low Premium 49.99.97/100¢/mo.)
(We see a clip of the young woman being kicked in her crotch several times)
Announcer: For a low premium of just under fifty dollars a month, you're guaranteed that every time you're accidentally hit in the clam...
(Two lawyers (portrayed by Ferb Fletcher and Buford Van Stomm) present the young woman with a check. The check says "ICHITECH INSURANCE, DATE: March 30, PAY TO THE ORDER OF: SALI FERTH [600.00] Six Hundred~00/00 etc.")
Announcer: ...you'll recieve a check for six hundred dollars. (back to announcer) Why don't you join today?
(back to young woman)
Woman: Thanks, Ichitech!
(lawyers shake their heads; woman frowns)
(ICHITECH INSURANCE GROUP logo appears)
Jingle: I-CHI-TECH!
(We then switch to a black background with two portraits of Candace Flynn and two portraits of Stacy Hirano, and two chairs. Candace and Stacy come into view)
Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, from Candace and Stacy Epic Program Awesome Thing! Here's Candace and Stacy!
(Both Candace and Stacy are wearing matching t-shirts and jeans. The T-shirts say "I'm with Crazy". Closeup of a portrait of Candace, then one of Stacy. Camera goes back to them. Close up of Candace's face, then one of Stacy. Another of Candace, another of Stacy)
Candace: He...(is cut off)
(The intro plays)
(Brick background with the caption "DOO DEE DOO DAH" Dance Instruction Tape for Teens)
(We see a woman with an afro (portrayed by Holly Freeman) dressed in disco duds. This is Claudette)
Claudette: Are you ready, guys?
(A female dancer (Stacy) nods, as does another (Candace). Both are in tank-tops, biker shorts, kneesocks and sneakers)
Claudette: (snap!) Doo dee doo dah!
(dancers dance)
Chorus: Doo doo dee dee doo doo doo dah dah.
Claudette: HAHAHAHAHA!
(dancers dancing)
Claudette: Now Slap Your hands! (Caption: Slap Your hands!)
(dancers clap)
Claudette: Now spread those wings! (Caption: Spread Those Wings!)
(dancers do a jiggy motion with their legs)
Claudette: Doo dee doo dah! Feather your bangs! (Caption: Feather Your Bangs!)
(dancers feather their bangs)
Claudette: Shake your buns! (Caption: Shake Your Buns!)
(dancers shake it)
Claudette (offscreen): That's nice! (on screen) Now think about your mom! (Caption: Think About Your Mom!)
(One dancer stares into space, the other thinks to herself)
Claudette: What's your mom like? (Caption: What's Your Mom Like?)
(Dancers do nothing)
Claudette: I want to meet that mom! (Caption: I Want to Meet That Mom!)
(Dancers look creeped out)
Claudette: Doo dee doo dah!
(image of Claudette spins away to an image of Stacy's college dorm. Stacy is in a t-shirt and leggings)
Stacy: (going through bills) Bills, bills, bills, bills, (looks at a letter) Oh, look at this. (Opens envelope) A card from my BFF, Candace! (Card: A Seasonal Wish. Note: It's March) Hahaha...(opens it)
Candace:
Hello friends,
It's been a crazy year, hasn't it? As you all may know, I made Jeremy put in an above-ground pool in the backyard this year. You know how much I like to skinny-dip after a couple of margaritas.
(Stacy laughs)
Candace:
There's another thing I must tell you. I'm dying.
(Stacy stops laughing; somber music plays)
Candace:
They call it "crap tooth" and the doctors don't know what causes it, but, well, simply put, it's going to eat away at my teeth and my lower jaw. It's been an honor knowing all of you. Please, don't give me anything.
(Stacy starts sobbing)
Candace:
Just...let me die in peace.
Love, Candace.
(Stacy lifts the letter up to reveal a picture of an almost toothless Candace.)
Stacy: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
(We switch to the "The Only Known Married News Team" logo)
Narrator: And now, the only known married news team in the Tri-State Area, Victoria and Charles Hammerberg...
(picture of Victoria and Charles, portrayed by Candace and Stacy respectively. Mr. Hammerberg wears a normal news outfit and has a mustache, while Mrs. Hammerberg wears normal news attire as well. She has her hair in a bun)
Narrator: ...featuring Dr. Julie Kreebs (Portrayed by Jenny Brown) (picture of Dr. Kreebs along with the caption
"Celebrating 10 Years in Broadcasting!" Dr. Kreebs is in a professional pantsuit) Tonight, a special report (Caption: SPECIAL REPORT, with a picture of a car) on cars.
(car graphic drives by to Dr. Kreebs)
Dr. Kreebs: Hello, I'm Dr. Julie Kreebs, with a special report on cool cars! (picture of a car appears to her right) This is the coolest assignment I've ever had! I love cars! I love to wat...
(BREAKING NEWS)
Dr. Kreebs: (recieves a flash card. She begins to look despondent; somber music plays. Picture of Mr. Hammerberg (Stacy Hirano in a mustache) appears to her right, with the words "Charles Hammerberg 1966-2015".) Newscaster Charles Hammerberg (voice cracking)...has passed away...(begins frowning. Tears begin to flow.) In a tragic waterskiing accident...
(We see Charles Hammerberg (alive and well) and Victoria Hammerberg (Candace Flynn) with the caption "Back Stage", shushing the cameras. Charles waves. This is obviously a prank.)
Victoria: He's still alive!
Dr. Kreebs: (Sobbing uncontrollably) I just have to say that my heart goes out to Victoria. (picture vanishes, while the Hammerbergs sneak up behind her. By now, Julie is inconsolable) I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT...I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HE'S GONE! (sobs) I LOVE CHARLIE! I LOVED HIM! God...can he...)
(Victoria whispers something to Charles, then surprise Dr. Kreebs)
Both: SURPRISE!
(Caption: GREAT DECADE JULIE, with festive graphics)
Dr. Kreebs: AAAAAAAAAH! (freaked out) OH CRAP! AHH!
Charles: Calm down.
Dr. Kreebs: WHAT!?
Victoria: Hey! We're congratulating you on your ten years in journalism.
Dr. Kreebs: Eegh!
Victoria: Dr. Julie Kreebs, congrats!
Dr. Kreebs: (crying) (unintelligible)
(The Hammerbergs go to hug her, but she pushes them away)
Dr. Kreebs: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!? (runs off sobbing)
(CAM 3 STANDBY STUDIO FEED)
(We see Dr. Kreebs against a wall)
Dr. Kreebs: AAAHHH! LEMME OUT!
(The Hammerbergs try to get her to calm down)
Dr. Kreebs: AAAAAH!
Victoria: Julie...
Dr. Kreebs: AAAAHHH! (spins around frantically)
(Celebratory graphics displayed again)
Victoria: Cut the graphics!
(Graphics disappear)
(Dr. Kreebs begins sobbing again)
Dr. Kreebs: I thought you were dead, Charlie! (cries) (Charles hugs her, and the Hammerbergs bring her to the ground. Charles covers her up with a blanket. Dr. Kreebs' crying begins to stop, while Victoria comforts her)
Victoria: Shhhhh! (patting her forehead) It's okay...
(Graphic: Get Well Soon!)
(We see a picture of a lootie holding a cup, a small cthulhulike creature)
Caption:
Squid Ink
reasonably priced
low acid
salted
30% less slime
(the lootie spins away as a graphic of an owl grabs it and flies away to Stacy's dorm. We hear some desperate music.)
(Stacy writes a letter)
Stacy:
Dear Candace,
I'm terribly sorry about your tooth loss.
(Stacy pulls out some dough and rolls it into a ball. Then she puts a hole in it)
Stacy:
It deeply, deeply hurts me to no end that I may never see you again.
(She then puts the doughnut into the oven)
Stacy:
I'm sending you this ornamental doughnut as a goodbye gift.
(She then takes the doughnut out and puts blue frosting on it, with yellow frosting letters saying "Goodbye, dear friend")
Stacy:
I can assure you, this doughnut will be extremely sweet and delicious, and most definitely edible.
(She rubs the doughnut against her face, then wraps it up and places a "DO NOT EAT" label on it")
Stacy:
But I beg you not to eat it, as it's a symbol of our dying friendship.
Love, Stacy
(She looks up at a picture of Candace as a lifeguard from the ep. "The Lake Nose Monster". The camera zooms in to her eyes)
(Next scene: we see a clam fall onto the floor)
(caption on the upper-right screen: clam)
Narrator: Clam.
(Then we see a psychodelic "WHERE'S MY LOOTIE?")
(We see a herd of elk in Yellowstone National Park)
Stacy: Where's my Lootie?
(nothing)
Stacy: C'mon, Loot-loot! Tut-tut!
(nothing)
Stacy: C'mere, tut-tut!
(nothing)
Stacy: Please come out.
(We then see a Lootie sneaking up on one of the Elk. The camera zooms in, and a red circle is drawn around it)
Stacy: There's my Lootie!
(Psychodelic logo: THERE'S MY LOOTIE!)
(We see Candace and Stacy looking at a bunch of Sour Patch Kids on a table. Candace is wearing a Yellow T-shirt, skinny jeans, and sneakers, and has her hair in a ponytail, while Stacy is wearing a green T-shirt with the words "Gott mitt uns", with a pleated skirt, polka-dotted thighhigh stockings and boots. Her hair is normal).
Candace: So, they're Sour Patch Kids...
(Stacy eats one and puckers)
Candace: ...just basically sour, fruit-flavored...um...
(Stacy puckers)
Stacy: The tartness really stays with you!
Candace: Yeah. It's like gum. You can spit it out if you want.
(Black Screen with caption: Writin' a jingle)
Stacy: Sour Patch Kids: The fruity treats that are salty! (waves one up and down)
Candace: How are we gonna do this? (does same motion)
Stacy: It's gonna be animated, you know, CGI?
Candace:
Patch, Patch, Patch your kids,
Gently on my tongue,
(Stacy closes her eyes and rocks her head)
(Candace clears her throat)
Stacy:
Salt, Salt, check it.
Lick the salt up with your tongue.
Both:
Give it to your friends
as a gift,
Stacy: Gonna write down one word.
Candace: Change gears.
(Stacy pulls out a marker and writes on a red card "Fruit Brute")
Candace: You know what that makes me think about?
(Candace writes on a red card "Sour Patch Adams")
Stacy: Great! (They put their cards together)
Both:
Fruit Brute Sour Patch Adams!
Check yourself, at the door,
I want more, I want more!
I want more of your Sour Patch Kids!
Candace: That's pretty good! (high-fives Stacy). Let's get 'em on the phone.
(Black screen with caption. Pitchin' a Jingle)
Candace: (on the iPhone) Alright, well then, I don't know what to tell ya. (Stacy looks on) That's very bad news, Mrs. Rosenfeld, and I look...I hope you guys will make a better decision...next time. (Hangs up)
(Picture goes black and white with the words: Awesome Thing!)
Narrator: Awesome Thing!
(We see the sceen card for "Kreebs' Advice")
Narrator: It's Kreebs' Advice, with Channel 8's Dr. Julie Kreebs.
(camera goes to Dr. Kreebs)
Dr. Kreebs: Hello, I'm Dr. Julie Kreebs, with some more Kreebs Advice for ya. If you're raking the leaves and it gets all over your driveway, just hose it off, dumbass!
(Frame with her signature quote: "For your Body!")
Dr. Kreebs: For you Body!
(We see Candace and Stacy from the intro. Candace is holding a large trophy and grinning, while Stacy sits next to her, grinning as well)
Narrator: And now, once again, please welcome back to the stage Candace Flynn...(echo) and Stacy. Candace Flynn.
(Spins away to Claudette doing her dance again)
Claudette: Slap your face! (Caption: Slap Your Face!) (Slaps her face)
(Dancers slap their faces)
Claudette: Slap your friend! (Caption: Slap Your Friend!)
(Dancers slap each other)
Claudette: Get sexy, gals! (Caption: Get Sexy Gals!)
(One dancer does a seductive pose, but the other is hesitant)
Claudette: Doo dee doo dah! (waves her hands around) Stinks in here! (waving) Smells like eggs! (Caption: Smells Like Eggs!) Rotten eggs! (Caption: Rotten Eggs!)
(Dancers do the waving motion)
Claudette: Guys, why would you bring those rotten eggs in here of all places!?
(Dancers do nothing)
Claudette: Guys, you stupid motherf**kers!
(Dancers look peeved)
Claudette: What the hell is wrong with you, guys!?
(Claudette: puts hands up)
(Next scene: A clam falls onto the floor again, only drenched in spaghetti sauce. Upper-right caption: bloody clam)
Narrator: Bloody clam
(spins away to Candace's house, where Candace is sitting in front of a TV, laughing her butt off eating cheddar popcorn, with get well balloons around her. It's obvious that she's been lying about her "crap tooth". She's wearing a tank top with pajama shorts and socks.)
Candace: (her mouth full) HAHAHAHAH!
TV: Hello, Gobies. How are you this afternoon?
(candace puts bag of cheddar popcorn down)
Gobies: (on TV, voiced by Katie MacDonald) I could really go for a Mexican pizza...
(Candace changes the channel to Jamie performing "Rock and Rolling". Candace looks at the gift that Stacy got for her. It's in a box labeled "CANDACE FLYNN, 3133 SHAMAN AVENUE, DANVILLE, MD" along with the labels "DO NOT EAT". She opens the box and pulls out the doughnut in plastic wrap)
Candace: Do not eat. (unwraps doughnut and, despite Stacy's warnings, eats it anyway. As she begins to chow down, her iPhone rings. She picks it up.) No way... Hello.
Stacy: (wearing her pajamas, on her iPhone) Hey girl. How are ya feeling?
Candace: (lying through her teeth) Not good. I feel horrible. Crap tooth...hurts.
Stacy: I was actually calling to see if you got that package I sent over.
Candace: (looking at doughnut) Yup. Thanks a ton!
Stacy: You weren't...eating it right now, were you?
Candace: (hesitates for a second) No.
Stacy: It actually sounds like you're...eating a round pastry with frosting.
Candace: OK! I'M EATING YOUR DOUGHNUT! GEEZ! WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL!? It's a doughnut, and you know I love doughnuts.
Stacy: CANDACE!
Candace: It's delish!
Stacy: Didn't you see the stickers all over the package!? DO NOT EAT!?
Candace: Yeah (nods)
Stacy: I made that specifically for you, girl. That was a symbol of our friendship. And that doughnut has got to be stale and moldy by now! You're eating a moldy doughnut!
Candace: (sniffs it and looks shocked. Deathly music plays) (mouth full) Oh crap.
(Claudette appears on her TV, with the Caption "Channel 8 Cares "Claudette". Candace watches.)
Claudette: Guys, you've gotta keep your food ice cold! I know you like your balogna soft, but if it gets too warm, it's gonna spoil and start to stink the place up! And I know you don't want that. So c'mon! Do it for me!
(Candace spits out the pieces of doughnut she was eating)
Claudette: Keep that food cold, and chill out!
(Caption: "CHILL OUT")
(Pictures of Vanessa, Jenny, Isabella, Eliza, Candace, and Katie with sausages in their mouths)
(Back to the intro scene)
Stacy: What with that other thing?
Narrator: Candace and Stacy
(Both look into the camera, and Mishti kicks Stacy in the crotch)
Stacy: OWWWWWW!
(Candace looks on, amused)
Stacy: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! (drops to the floor) OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
(Candace looks on)
(Credits roll, with the Sour Patch Kids Jingle that Candace and Stacy made being sung)
Next Time on Candace and Stacy Epic Program Awesome Thing: Candace has learned a new magic trick, but unfortunately, it lands her and Stacy in hot water. Meanwhile, Lucy Michaels returns home from her summer abroad with some new avian powers in "Macaw Maiden"