In this episode of Candace and Stacy Epic Program: A dulcimer group plays a song about fish. Tyler's secret love for his mean boss finally reaches a boiling point. A new Ichitech toy, "K'lam", is advertised. Deidre Labien interviews Johnny Tyles about his new film, Gold Vessylz. Vicky performs ventriloquism with her potty-mouthed dummy, Melanie, with Linda Flynn-Fletcher on the drums. Stacy pulls a prank on Candace involving skinny jeans.
(A Band is playing hammered dulcimer music. A young woman (played by Candace Flynn) wearing a red dress shirt, and red business skirt appears playing a dulcimer. Another young woman (played by Stacy Hirano) wearing a piano jacket, skirt and boots, appears playing a dulcimer as well. They play for 6 minutes)
Musicians:
Fish!
Fish!
Fish!
Fish!
Fish!
(Yellow Lip, Canefish)
Fish!
(Diamond fish)
Fish!
(Wheel fish, sand fin)
Fish!
(Helmet fish)
Fish!
(The helmet fish make contact, get hurt and vomit)
(Intro music plays)
(We see a brown-haired mustachioed geeky-looking man, Tyler, in a work suit (played by Stacy Hirano in men's clothes and wearing a fake mustache.) working in a cubicle. Then, a blonde-haired woman, Mrs. Rhonda Jakovsky, dressed in a CEO's skirt and suit (played by Candace Flynn) walks up to him. )
Mrs. Jakovsky: Tyler.
Tyler: (looks up at her) Hi, Mrs. Jakovsky.
Mrs. Jakovsky: How are ya doin'?
Tyler: I'm pretty well, thanks.
Mrs. Jakovsky: You're lookin' real good. Real cute.
Tyler: You look good, too.
Mrs. Jakovsky: Hell, I'd like to take you home and snack on ya tonight. (looks at him seductively) You are turning me on right now.
Tyler: Th...Thank you, I've had a haircut.
Mrs. Jakovsky: Ooh! You look good 'nough for a session! Huh?
Tyler: Th..That's my dream, ma'am.
Mrs. Jakovsky: Tell ya what. Why don't I take ya back to my office so I can take care of that for ya? Ya know what I'm saying?
Tyler: Yes!
Mrs. Jakovsky: Oh yeah? (spills her coffee on him) What, are you crazy? You're a minnow! YOU'RE A MINNOW! Comprende?! (walks away)
(Tyler wakes up from his dream)
Tyler: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Tyler is depressed that he's a skinny nerd. He begins to beat himself up. He gets up and looks in the mirror, which is surrounded by pictures of Mrs. Jakovsky. He licks one of them.)
Unknown Voice: GET RIPPED!
(Tyler gets a piece of paper and a sharpie, writes down the words "GET RIPPED, TYLER!" on it, and tapes it to his mirror. He then turns on some music and begins to work out, doing sit-ups, jumping jacks, weight-lifting, bike riding. He falls off his bike in the process. After a week, he begins to show some muscle. He jumps for joy. The picture freezes and the words "We did it!" appear.)
(We see a middle-aged couple playing field hockey.)
Narrator (Vanessa Doofenshmirtz): Have you wasted a whole day playing a game of field hockey? Now there's K'Lam! (we see what looks like a cross between a crab and a clam). K'Lam combines the scuttling of a crab with the sliming of a clam to create the only field hockey balls that slowly come back. First, hit your K'Lam, watch it soar to about a half-mile away. When it lands, its crab legs will extend, and K'Lam will begin his long trek home.
Man: Time for work!
Narrator: While K'Lam sluggishly returns, you can spend your day paying bills, register yourself online, plan tomorrow's work, sort some coins, repay old bills, call your brother, stare, stare, moisten your fencewood, reposition your doorknob, dig a hole to bury a box, and K'Lam is still crawling, so sweep your lawn, offer your husband a drink, destroy a pornography collection, and when K'Lam crawls back, hit it again, and get even more work done!
Man: Thanks for letting me get my work done, K'Lam!
Narrator: K'Lam! An Ichitech toy.
(We see stars in the background, along with the captions "Gold Vessylz" and "Johnny Tyles". A golden ship flies by and crashes. A man with what looks like a gun is walking through the field with two others.)
Man: That meteor must have landed around here somewhere.
(An alien (actually Johnny Tyles dressed in Nitarikit-face) appears and babbles)
Man: Stand back! Stand back! Uhhhhhh...
(Alien babbles)
Woman: What is it?! (screams)
Man: Probably a Dreg Beast from out of Snar Ikemtai. I've seen monsters like this before.
Alien: Act scared! Aaaagh!
Other man: Stand back. (fires)
(The alien puts some foam on the ground, then falls onto the ground. The man shoots him several more times. The screen the goes to a bespectacled woman in a sweater and dress. This is Deidre Labien (played by Vanessa Doofenshmirtz).)
Deidre (reading from cards): Hello, and welcome to Channel 8: Looking at Movies. (looks nervous) CUT! My guest is a local director, Johnny Tyles, (We see Johnny Tyles (Irving wearing a fake beard; Caption: Johnny Tyles Director: Gold Vessylz) and the film is a science fiction fantasy film. I love movies. (attempts to shake hands, but notices she's holding the cards) Is this your second film that you made? It says that you made two films.
Tyles: Yeah.
Deidre: Is it the first or second?
Tyles: Uh, this would be the second.
(Deidre looks confused)
Tyles: This is..this is the second film I've made.
Deidre: Let's get that squared away. When a movie is made in France, it's called a cinema. How come that's different? (eats popcorn)
Tyles: Uh...
Deidre: (sticks hand out) I love movies. (shakes hand with Tyles)
Tyles: Alright.
(Deidre smiles)
Tyles: You gonna show a clip or?
(Back to "fish" song)
Musicians:
Fish!
(Pole eel, No-Touch fish)
Fish!
(Hole fish)
Fish!
(We then see a woman, Vicky, dressed in a fancy dress (Candace) holding a small puppet, Melanie, (Stacy) also wearing a fancy dress)
Vicky: Hey, Melanie, what are you doing this weekend?
Melanie: Well, Vicky, I'm doing what I do every weekend. I'm going to the club, I'm gonna get crazy drunk, and I'm gonna get my freak on with some fellas!
(Linda Flynn-Fletcher drums)
(Audience laughs)
(Close up of Melanie's face)
Vicky: Alright! It's time to get you back in the box.
Melanie: But that's what the guys want, Vicky!
(Linda drums)
(Audience laughs)
Vicky: I mean back in the hole.
Melanie: Exactly!
(Linda drums)
(Audience laughs)
Vicky: Thank you! Good night!
Melanie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Linda claps)
(We see Stacy holding a pair of skinny jeans, putting what looks like super glue in them. She's wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and thighhigh stockings. She's also got her hair in a ponytail.)
Stacy: I'm Stacy Hirano. This next prank's called "Crazy Glue Jeans". Candace has trouble putting on jeans sometimes and gets pissed off because of it.
(Candace, wearing only her "Z" t-shirt and checkered panties, takes the jeans (which have been switched by Stacy beforehand), sits down on the bed, and slides them on. When she pulls them up to halfway around her thighs, like this ( art/Candace-a-Strugglin-521497466?q=gallery%3AYarTavdhladleklwa%2F9848892&qo=173), she begins to struggle a little bit)
Candace: Always stuck half-around my thighs...typical...(looks at thighs) But that's the thing! I'm not overweight!
Stacy: (in the closet) Any second now...
(She gets up, and tries to pull them up)
Candace: Damn...These are tight.
Stacy: (in the closet) Here it comes...
(She then begins to struggle quite a lot, eventually becoming annoyed)
Candace: GRRRR! PULL UP, YOU F**KING JEANS!
Stacy: (from the closet, with Eliza, Vanessa, and Mandy) Hehehehe...
(Candace then tries to pull them off again, but they still remain stuck)
Candace: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K!
(Stacy and the girls jump out of the closet)
Stacy: HAAHAA!
Candace: EEEEEEEEEEEEK! F**K!
Girls: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Candace: F**K YOU!
Girls: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Candace: F**K YOU ALL!
Eliza: F**k us? No! F**K YOU! HAHAHAHAHA!
Candace: GET OUT OF HERE! EEEEEK!
(Candace becomes nauseous)
Vanessa: SHE'S GONNA PUKE!
Eliza: THUNDER THIGHS! THUNDER THIGHS! THUNDER C**T THIGHS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Candace begins to sob)
Candace: (voice cracking) Go...please?
(Candace walks down the hall crying. Her pants are still half-down her thighs. Somber music plays).
(We see the credits to "Gold Vessylz" wrapping up.)
(Credits: Scored by Johnny Tyles. "Vessyl Buddiez Ballad" Written by Johnny Tyles. Performed by Johnny Tyles. Gold Vesslyz was a Tylesterz Production.)
(The screen goes static, then we see a behind the scenes clip)
Man: They were created as uh, a part of the, uh...
Tyles: Kiggan Experiment! (knocks a prop down in anger) CUT! IDIOT!
Man: I was saying...
Tyles: NO, YOU WEREN'T! GODS! MAN, ARE YOU RETARDED?! Are you retarded? (man shakes head) You're not?
(We cut back to Deidre and Tyles)
Deidre: Was that the director's cut.
Tyles: That was not a part of Gold Vessylz. That's not part of the story.
Deidre: Oh! Sorry. (looks at cards) In the movie scene where you get angry and yell at the other performers...
Tyles: That's not part of the movie though. That's the thing you've gotta understand.
Deidre: I saw it.
Tyles: Gold Vessylz is a contained story.
Deidre: I saw it.
Tyles: The part where I...That part was not meant for your eyes.
Deidre: I liked where your character was yelling. I dunno...
Tyles: Cut. Just cut.
Deidre: Your acting...
Tyles: That's not part of the movie. I'm not yelling. It's not part of Gold Vessylz. It was "on the cutting room floor" type stuff
(Deidre shakes her head and gets up. The camera then goes to a plant in the corner)
(Mrs. Jakovsky is talking with her associate Sheena (played by Milly Konstantopolos)
Mrs. Jakovsky: Right, I'll be out Thursday and Friday. I'm getting the ears professionally cleaned.
Sheena: Oh. That's a good move.
Mrs. Jakovsky: Yeah.
Sheena: Worth every penny.
Mrs. Jakovsky: Well, it has gotten very infected in there...
(Tyler walks up to them)
Sheena: Well, now, who's doing it for ya?
Tyler: Mrs. Jakovsky? This is for you.
Mrs. Jakovsky: Tyler. (looks at him) You're looking...fantastic! Come in here! (puts hand on chair) Come in! Sit down!
Tyler: Hi, Sheena!
Sheena: Tyler. (Moves over for him. He sits down)
Mrs. Jakovsky: Wow! What have you been doin', Tyler? You on a diet or somethin'?
Tyler: Just...taking care of myself.
Mrs. Jakovsky: (puts hand on his wiry chest) This is just how I like it! God! Good 'nough for a session, right?
Tyler: Yea...yes. A..are you serious?
Mrs. Jakovsky: I'm very serious. Say what? Why don't you come by my office in a couple hours and work it.
Tyler: Yes, I..(Mrs. Jakovsky spills coffee in his face. Then Sheena breaks an entire coffee pot on his head)
Mrs. Jakovsky: WOAH! SHEEN! WHAT THE F**K?! (Sheena sits down) WHAD'YA DO THAT FOR?!
Sheena: I, uh...just fel...I got a little out of hand, and I'm very...
Mrs. Jakovsky: I love ya, honey, but you screwed up royally!
Sheena: I...what?!
Mrs. Jakovsky: WHAT D'YA MEAN "WHAT?!" YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A COFFEE POT! I LOVED HIM! ALRIGHT!? You screwed up royally. Comprende? (sigh) '
(The image freezes and Mrs. Jakovsky walks into view)
Mrs. Jakovsky:
Sexy man,
I love your body.
You make my blood
boil down inside.
(Zooms down into her mouth, where Tyler is singing)
Tyler:
Well, I've got to tell you.
I don't think my muscles
will come right up.
Mrs. Jakovsky: That's alright, honey. I love you just the way you are.
Tyler: That means a lot to me. Thank you. I love you, ma'am.
Mrs. Jakovsky: Come on over here. I wanna give you a French kiss.
(They French)
Mrs. Jakovsky:
GET A SESSION ON!
A SESSION ON!
GET YOUR SESSION
RIGHT ON YOUR RIDE!
Tyler:
I WANNA GET
MY SESSION ON!
A GOOD
SESSION ON!
I WANT A GOOD SESSION
ON MY RIDE!
Chorus:
(x2)
Look at them,
They're so in love!
I bet they'll
French kiss all night long.
I wish we knew
which stick he's gonna
poke her with.
Mrs. Jakovsky:
TONIGHT!
TONIIIIIIIGHT!
(Credits roll)
Next time on Candace and Stacy Epic Program: Are Candace and Stacy gonna be replaced? Meanwhile: The Snake Girls go a clubbing...with the help of Sushi and Vodka.