This is the sequel for the last chapter
Wow…this was much…MUCH longer than I intended it to be. But my fingers just kept typing and wouldn't stop. I really hope you like it because I love it, I really love it.
I just wanted to say a big thank you to guesswhofern for helping me chose the song for this chapter.
Evanescence has always been my favorite band along with Halestorm so it only seemed fitting to use this song for this chapter.
Any who…Enjoy and I don't own anything but the plot.
Bring Me to Life
Chapter 6
Nell's P.O.V
"I don't think that this CAN be fixed Deeks."
I stood with the team as we watched Deeks become more and more distressed as I told him the truth, Kensi was emotionally shutting down, purging her feelings one day at a time. "This can be fixed…" he muttered. "I can fixed this…"
"Tell me something Deeks," he paused to look at me and the team who were standing behind me their arms crossed. "What…what do you think Kensi did every night after you left to go with Jessica? Hmm, tell me what you think she did?" I kept my voice even trying not to give away that we all knew what she did, that Callen had walked in one day to the gym while Kensi cried in my arms, how Sam showed up at her apartment and barged in when he heard her sobs, or how I was with Eric at me apartment when Kensi showed up in the pouring rain, drunk.
"I-I don't know, she probably went home had a beer and some ice cream then went to bed, I highly doubt that even alone she would show any type of emotion…" he chuckled trying to diffuse the tension with humor but none of us were having it.
This time it was Callen who spoke up, his voice tight with anger. "Yea see no Deeks, Nell here for the past month has been at Kensi's place till the sun comes up, just trying to comfort her, to stop her tears." Callen takes a step closer to Deeks who visibly stiffens. "You have destroyed her," he whispers menacingly. "I have had to pull her aside a few times when you would ramble about how great Jessica is in front of her, at first I thought I was merely saving your life, but then I saw the tears…the anguish in my little sisters eyes. And I wish I could say Nell was wrong, that this can be fixed because I have only ever wanted Kensi to be happy, but I don't think it can either." With that Callen picks up his beer signally Sam to speak before leaving the mission, his shoulders tense.
"You know I will always be grateful for what you did for Michelle, what you went through but this is just something that I don't think I can forgive you for…" Sam uncrosses his arms, his shoulders slumping, an odd look on the Navy SEAL. "I saw her once, a few weeks ago at the beach. She was just standing there watching the ocean; I thought she was watching you surfing so walked to her. But her shoulders were shaking and when I stepped in front of her she looked right through me, her eyes bloodshot and teary. She was crying Deeks, a woman who has been hit by multiple vehicles and hunted her father's killer, crying because the man she thought she could trust to always love her decided that Jessica was more his style." Sam shook his head and Deeks looked o the gym floor his shoulders sinking even further. When Sam left Eric moved to stand in front of him.
"Unlike everyone else I heard her over the comms. It was today actually when you kept going on and on about wanting to settle down with Jessica. When she told you she was going to the bathroom, yea she thought she turned her comm off but she missed, from what I can only guess it took her a fraction of a second to fall apart. But I have to commend her, doing it when you were far away, not wanting to ruin your happiness…but man," Eric said causing Deeks to look up his eyes red and puffy. "Man I have never been more disappointed in you." he said sadly before he too left, leaving Deeks, Hetty and me.
This time Hetty stepped forward, her glasses hanging around her neck and a rare tear fell down her cheek hopefully only serving to make Deeks feel worse, what can I say I am mad at the man.
"I always knew, with the first mention of Jessica that she was hurting, but I never witnessed it until two weeks ago. You came in extra upbeat that morning rambling none stop about teaching Jessica to surf. When you left to retrieve lunch Kensi had disappeared. I found her in the dressing rooms sitting on the floor, crying her heart out." Hetty's voice cracked at remembering Kensi's pain. "That was the day I told you that she had errands to run for me, remember that Mr. Deeks?" he nods. "In truth, I sent her to her mothers, not wanting her to be alone while she mourned yet another loss. I brought you on this team Mr. Deeks for two reasons, one; you are exceptional at what we do and you were what this team needed. Two; I brought you here for Kensi, she needed someone like you, who could make her laugh. And for years I thought that I had chosen right…but at this very moment I am questioning my decision." And with that Hetty too left the Mission recalling her experience with Kensi. Now it was just me and him.
"You see Deeks, we have all been here for her, she didn't go home and drink a beer then go to bed. No, she has fought her tears. But I can't help but be amazed, no matter how bad it got, no matter how heartbroken she is, she has never said a single bad this about Jessica, only ever said that if she made you happy who she to impede on that was." Deeks' eyes widen as he stares at me opening his mouth to speak but I raise a hand.
"Now it is my turn. The guys and Hetty may have seen her in spurts, but it is me who has been there nearly every night has she mourned the loss of your love, so much so that I haven't been to my apartment in two weeks, the last night I was there Eric was over and Kensi showed up drunk. But the worse night…" I sigh looking up to the ceiling and shaking my head. "The worse night was the night you introduced her to the team, the proceeded to ignore Kens and suck Jessica's face off in front of her. like what the fuck were you trying to achieve there Deeks, did you not see the tears that she tried to hide? Did you even notice that she left and I soon after!" I yelled at the Detective raising my hands in anger. "You know what I arrived to when I got to her apartment?"
I wait as he continues looking at me, when he finally shakes his head I continue. "I arrived to a shaking Kensi, holding a broken beer bottle to her wrist but she froze, she said she couldn't do it because she could to that…" I saw a glimmer of hope in Deeks' eyes but quickly my words squashed it. "She couldn't do that to me…to the guys…to Hetty. When I asked about Deeks her words were, 'he will not care, he has Jessica…' she was shaking so much I really thought about taking her to the hospital."
I watched Deeks for several minutes as he absorbed this information each and ever second looking more and more despondent. "Please Nell, please help me…I never stopped loving her but I thought…"
"And for those thoughts you are a damn idiot!" I yell cutting him off making him shrink back from me. I sigh and begin walking away. "Come with me, I want to show you something." He follows me out to the garage the sound of thunder and lightning echoing thought the empty concrete garage.
We drove in silence until we arrived at Kensi's house, I put a finger to my lips telling him to keep his mouth shut. He nods and silently closes my car door. I lead him up the stairs and silently open the door, knowing that she isn't inside where he stops to pick up a shattered photo of him and Kensi, the glass crunching under his boot. I see another tear fall as he stares down at the photo before looking up to me and nods. I lead him again through her house and I know he is taking in the fact that it is spotless. We stop at her open back door and there she is, I yank on Deeks' arm as he begins walking toward her, I pull him down and whisper angrily. "Keep quiet, just watch."
Kensi was standing there a sad look of acceptance on her face as she tilted her head back in the rain, her clothes from work soaked through, I had seen this many times before, the look a bitterness before she opened her mouth and began to sing, the patter of the rain and the thunder her only instruments…
Kensi's P.O.V
The last thing I saw before leaving the mission was Deeks struggling against Callen and Sam's hold…and that mark on his neck…from Jessica. After leaving I shut my brain off and just walked…
First I found myself at the beach watching in almost sick fascination as the clouds turned an angry grey and the ocean, once calm was now angry and beating at the shore, the waves unsurfable…and that train of thought stops abruptly…I wonder why…
Next I found myself sitting at a small 24 hour empty café not touching the cup of tea I purchased, it was merely for show…I didn't have the stomach to eat or drink anything at the moment. Looking out the window I see light where the full moon was hanging in the sky obscured by the angry grey clouds a striking difference to the black night sky…it was dangerously beautiful…like that pair of blue eyes and goofy smile…I jerk up and briskly walk out the small café and start off again.
This time I find myself at my house, the windows dark. I walk through the door just as the rain begins to fall. But here amongst my now clean house I feel out of place…that spot on the couch no longer Deeks' but Nell's…I turn from the couch and come face to face with my bookcase and the picture of the two of us at the beach during a team bonding day. His hair was wet and his wetsuit pulled down to his waist and his arm thrown across my shoulders, and I was looking up at him with a mock scowl but a smile on my face…
In a fit of anger I grabbed the photo and hurled it as hard as I could at the wall, listening as the glass shattered and fell to the ground…and still the tears did not come. The anger and bitterness coursed through my veins heating my blood so I walked slowly outback and into the pouring rain, the water wonderfully cold against my heated skin. I lose track of how long I stand there, every image and sound that was happy flashed before my eyes…
The first time he called me Fern.
Kissing him under the guise of Melissa.
Landing on top of him after he pulled me from the laser room.
Realizing the moment I fell in love with him…
The constant banter.
Him calling me a hoarder.
Hitting him just for an excuse to touch him.
Standing in my mother's garage as he touches my tender ribs…the spark that ran up my spine unbidden.
His smile.
His laugh.
His eyes.
Everything.
For whatever it is worth…
It's worth everything…I want it all back, I just want to feel something again, anything…but the numbness, it saved me from this heartbreak that makes Jack walking out seem petty and childish.
I look up into the black angry sky and finally the hot tears come and mingle with the cold droplets as the slide down my cheeks. I stare upwards weirdly in love with the blackness…no stars and no moon, no light indicating where the moon lay hidden anymore…just blackness… and I continue watching with rapt attention as lightning flashes across the sky and thunder echoes in my ears and deep within my chest, standing in for what I think is now a still heart…
Falling into the rhythm of nature's chaos I open my mouth and begin singing a song I fell in love with years ago…
How can you see into my eyes, like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb, without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
And that is exactly what he did, he lead me home after so effortlessly opening my eyes and heart…and for what? To just jump ship when things got to hard, I only ever wanted to help him heal, I only wanted to love him and cherish him…but I missed my chance…I always, always miss my chance. Now I am back in this cold place where my heart slowly freezes once again.
Wake me up, wake me up inside I can't wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
The darkness and loneliness is back and here to stay
Bid my blood to run, I can't wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Please, please don't leave me Marty, not after I have known what it was like to love you, for you to love me, me a severaly broken and damaged woman who doesn't deserve you…I don't deserve you, or the happiness that accompanies you.
Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life
Now I will, must fall back into my shell, I no longer feel real
Wake me up, wake me up inside I can't wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can't wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life, I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside, bring me to life
Please
Frozen inside without your touch
What I wouldn't give to not be frozen inside again…but Jessica gets to feel his touch now, while all I have is the rain and the chaos…
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
I've got to open my eyes to everything
He enlightened me to the hollowness that was my life that night he punch King…that was when he started to thaw my frozen heart…I can feel it freezing again and it hurts…it hurts so much…
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
Living this life with no thoughts, no voice…no soul…he has taken them all, they are his and he gave them to Jessica…she makes him smile and laugh…
There must be something wrong, bring me to life
Wake me up, wake me up inside I can't wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can't wake up
Please, please let this be an awful nightmare and that I will wake up in his arms on my couch with the title screen of Titanic playing softly in the background…please do not let this new life be my reality…not again…
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life, I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside
Bring me to life
He saved me…I thought I saved him…I was wrong.
And now here I am again singing to a black sky falling apart and freezing once again, only this is far more tragic than Jack leaving me in the middle of Christmas doomed to wake up alone on Christmas morning…no now I must watch him fall in love with her, I will always know where he is…I mean he is my partner…my eyes and my heart will have to bear witness to his happiness with her, while I wither away forgotten amongst their happiness…
I am torn from my self-pity at the sound of footstep sloshing on the wet ground. Tearing my gaze from the sky I find Deeks watching me and Nell disappearing inside. Looking at him hurts, but god the way the rain drips from his hair and makes his clothes cling to his body…I look back up to his eyes and give him what I know is a completely hollow look.
"I loved you Marty…" I simply say. "But I understand why you would chose her, and I know you are here to see if I can still be your partner even feeling like this, and the answer is yes, it will just take some getting used to. I can be your partner even without the promise of more." Even to my ears my voice sounds hollow, the usual lightness that it had when I spoke to him before Sidorov is no longer there, it no longer had the kindling of his love to make it so.
"No, Kensi that is not why I am here." I look away from him, just knowing that he will say he is going back to LAPD, that he can't be my partner anymore.
"No, no please Deeks do not go back there, I promise I will be better at hiding how I feel if it mean that you stay with us…"
He looks at me confused. "Kensi what are you talking about?"
"Please, you can't go back to LAPD, I at least need some piece of you and I can live with just being your partner. Please don't go back to them…"
"I am not Kensi." He sighs, running his hand through his wet hair causing droplets to catch on his nose. "You say you can live with just being my partner," I nod frantically. "But will you be happy?"
My breath catches at his question, I know the answer, and he knows the answer, so there is really no point in hiding it. "No, I won't be happy, but I can live with it, I can bury my feelings for you…I have too…I just want you to be happy Deeks, even if it is not with me. I only want your happiness and she makes you happy." I look to the ground watching the rain bounce off of the bricks before falling back to the ground.
"I wouldn't say she makes me happy Kens," still I look down. "With her I feel safe, there is no risk, but with you, I will always wonder if something I say or do will make you run, it can be utterly exhausting tip toeing around you all of the time…" a tear falls from my eye mingling with the cold rain. "But that is the thing that made me fall in love with you Kensi, I just thought that you couldn't even look at me after Sidorov." I feel excitement as he says he loves me, but a deep seated anger flares in my chest at the last part of his sentence.
"Really Deeks! How could you think that, how could you think that after I took a chance all those weeks ago and kissed you, do you remember your words to me! I remember, I will always remember, 'Don't ever do that again.' That is what you said and god if it didn't feel like you stabbed me in the back that very moment!" I am yelling now over the sound of the roaring thunder and the wind that is whipping my wet hair behind me and lightning flashing in my eyes. "So do not blame this on me, this is all on you! YOU wouldn't let me in when all I wanted to do was be there for you. YOU were the one who ran to another woman's bed when you have always been welcome in mine! YOU were the one who pushed me away in the bullpen when I kiss you! All of this, is YOUR fault and I will not have you blame me for our thing falling apart!" the tears streaming down my cheeks can no longer be mistaken for rain as they are falling to fast, my eyes puffy and my throat throbbing painfully over the lump that is forming.
"You…you are right, it is not your fault and it is cowardly of me to blame you, and for that I am so…so sorry Kensi. But please don't push me away, I see my mistakes now, and I can't even possibly being to know what pain I caused you, and- and if you will give me the chance I want to make you happy."
I look at his warily, making sure he can see the pain he has caused me. "What about Jessica?"
He shrugs. "She is not and never will be YOU Kensi. She is just…Jessica. You… you are the Fern to my Max, my sunshine and gunpowder, the dark to my light. You are the love of my life." He falls to his knees before me, his own tears mingling with the rain as he grabs my hands and squeezes them almost painfully. "Please…please do not freeze that beautiful heart of yours Kens…please give me the chance to make this right, to love you like you do me…please Kensi." He pleads as I stare down at him searching his face, his eyes for the honesty that I hear in his words, in his voice, and I breathe a sigh of utter relief as I find what I am looking for.
I fall to my knees so that we are eye to eye as I grasp his face between my hands, his stubble scratching against my palms. "I love you Kensi, please give me the second chance that I don't deserve."
"God I love you too Marty, more than I can deal with." I lean into him and brush my rain soaked lips against his wet ones, but pull back so that they brush against his as I speak. "You deserve a second chance, but please-please don't ever hurt me, I can't go back to the frozen hearted one again…I can't live like that again, I can't" I say as I lean my forehead against his.
"Never, Fern. Never again will I hurt you. I was empty without you Kensi."
My hands grip his shirt in desperate fists, my eyes closed, the lightning flashing behind my eyelids. "I was heartless without you Marty." I whisper softly.
-A. Grayson