I know… you had to wait a loooong time for this update but life went crazy. I got promoted at work which is a good thing but it leaves me with very little time. But I did not forget my Jarbie One-shots, they will be coming! Thanks for not giving up on me! (:

Truth

(S01x10 – Part 2/2)

He wasn't really thinking about the speech he was about to give as he slowly made his way home. He was not planning ahead; he had simply no idea how to tell the woman who meant the world now to him that he had killed her husband and kept it as a secret for this long. Most likely, tonight, it would be their last conversation. He would never ever again hold her in his arms or kiss her and it made his heart hurt so much that all the bruises and broken ribs, all the physical pain his body went through, felt like nothing compared to the emotional ones. And he could only guess how much worse it will become after the truth comes out. He didn't know how he would do it but he knew one thing. He had to tell her. He had to be honest so he could free himself from under the control Max had on him because leading this double life, betraying Julia's trust was hurting much more than the truth that he was about to share.

So he opened the door, turned on the lights in the kitchen and very slowly made his way to the stairs. She was probably up laying in the bed already waiting for him to come home. He could imagine her wearing one of his shirts reading one of the newspapers she borrowed from Harriet. The first surprise came when he found her sitting on the stairs staring ahead blankly at nothing. Her face was closed up, her eyes teary and unfocused, and she didn't even glance up as he came closer. Something was wrong. Actually, everything was wrong, he thought bitterly.

He stopped a few feet from where she sat on the stairs and could feel her clear blue eyes burning into his profile. He did not dare to glance at her. Would he do so, he would have changed his mind. He was a selfish bastard after all and there was nothing on the world he would not do to keep her. This was a fight he had to fight with himself and with his coincidence. So he did not look at her, he avoided those eyes which could look straight through him from the very beginning on, and opened his mouth to talk but nothing came out. He was a bastard… Taking a shaking breath he tried again.

"I need to say something." He started but his voice sounded raw and hoarse even to his own ears. When he could feel her eyes leaving his profile he dared to throw a glance at her sad face. She was not saying anything for a moment, shock, realization, fear and sadness radiated all at once from her, making his heart freeze in his chest. All this pain, it was his fault.

Slowly she stood up and walked up to him, her body slightly shaking, her eyes now carefully closed up as she almost glared at him. "Like why your face is all cut up?" She whispered and without waiting for an answer walked pass him into the living room.

Barbie stood there for a few more minutes without moving. He had a lot of explanation to do and he suddenly felt more ashamed of how he ended up doing Max's dirty job all day than telling the truth about Peter. He was a real asshole, a liar, a bastard… He used to think Peter did not deserve someone like Julia, but he was worse than Peter… If Peter did not deserve her, he was the last person who did…

Slowly he took a deep breath and walked after her. His steps were heavy and his palms sweaty as he entered the living room. She was staring out of the window, avoiding his eyes, not even looking at him as she sat down on the chair and he did not dare, he could not sit down. He just stopped at the sofa and tried to gather all his courage. She deserved the truth, she deserved everything. He opened his mouth a few times in attempt to start talking but nothing came out. This was it…. once he started to spill the truth, this… everything they had or started to have was going to be over. She would kick him out and never want to see him again. And she would be right to do so. He looked at her again, at her sad face and broken eyes and it made up his mind. She had every right to know every single thing about him.

"Look…" He started finally. "I told you when I first came to this town that I went out to the cabin to meet Peter but that…" He trailed off and he could feel his heart beating like crazy, his temples pounded; he tried to swallow and couldn't. His throat was sore. "that he wasn't there."

Julia finally looked up at him. "But he was, wasn't he?"

He watched her with burning eyes. He was going to lose her… "Yeah." he admitted with a sigh. "He-he told me that he didn't have the money he owed so…" He could hear his voice shaking and cracking as he spoke and he realized that he didn't care. It didn't fucking matter, nothing mattered, nothing else except Julia and how he could by some miracle keep her. First he had to explain what exactly happened but the first sign of rejection hit him so hard like a brick to the chest when she turned away from him. "So I said I would be back the next day…"

"And he pulled a gun on you." She interrupted him and he stared at her in shock, his eyes going wide.

"How do you know this?" He asked stunned finally taking a few steps to the sofa and sitting down as she opened the box he hadn't even seen until now on the table.

"Because I brought this down from our bedroom closet and found his gun missing. No gun, all the bullets." She said staring at the box, her emotions all the way carefully closed up.

Barbie looked at the open box but did not see it. All he could see was the memory of Peter pulling a gun at him, the adrenaline kicking in and how he had fought for his life, how he had wanted to save his life when in reality the man he had killed meant no real danger… he had been bluffing… he had forced him to kill him… Uncertainly he glanced up at Julia with wide eyes. The truth was out now, and she knew it… knew it all.

Slowly she also lifted her eyes and as their gaze met, all he could see was utter sadness and disbelief reflecting in her eyes. He couldn't bear to hold her intense stare and downcasted his eyes in shame. He could hear his heart breaking because he knew there was nothing he could do or say to make things any better. He was losing her and fast and having her so close yet so far away was killing him.

"So…" He took a few deep breaths to steady himself and control his shaking body. "You know." he said looking up at her once he could feel her eyes leaving his face. She looked strong but she couldn't fool him. He saw how her fingers were slightly trembling as she lifted them to her lips. She nodded in answer and her eyes were filling with unshared tears.

"I didn't want to believe it." she said and her voice was breaking, her body shook with silent sob.

Barbie couldn't remember the last time he felt so useless, so worthless, so…. broken. He clenched his teeth and fist so tight both were likely to break.

"He needed you to kill him. I found this life insurance policy today." She added, her voice now more stable as she picked up some papers and placed them in front of him.

Slowly like it wasn't even his hands he reached out to take the paper and read it through. Suddenly it all started to make sense…

"You know in some weird way I think he did all this to try to protect me." She said her voice now trembling, at the very edge of breaking down.

"Cause this would be void if he committed suicide." He finished for her throwing the paper back on the table. She was silently crying and he was so shaken, so broken hearted he honestly did not know anymore what to say or do. He told her the truth but it was too late… he had lied to her, he had killed her husband – even though Peter practically forced him to kill him - and still he loved her like he never loved a woman before. At that painful moment, the moment he was losing her, he had to realize he was in love with her. So much actually that his life did not matter at all as long as she was happy. He took some shaking breaths and he was at the edge of crying. Fucking crying… He couldn't remember the last time he had cried… But now he felt like crying… because he was the biggest fucked up asshole in the whole universe. Because he was going to lose the only person who ever mattered to him.

"I am… I am so sorry…" He said looking up at her, taking in her sad face. "For everything." A lonely tear run down his face and he could not care less.

Julia looked at him for a long while. There was no hatred in her eyes only sadness. "Me too." She whispered and it sounded like break up, like goodbye. He could not take it. His world was ripped from him and he honestly did not know how to handle it. Her tearful eyes made his heart ache, she had never looked so sad. So hopeless. He wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms and make her demons go away. But he couldn't… because the demons she was facing were caused by him. He turned away from her and his mind went blank. This was the end of everything.

"Barbie, I have seen you sacrifice yourself for total strangers." She said and he heard it now... she was crying.

Her words were not making him hate himself less… Only if she would know all these sacrifices were for her. All because he wanted her to be safe, all because he terribly wanted to be the hero she believed him to be. And now he was losing his reason to be good, to be alive.

"But in the future there can be no more lies." She added and it made him snap his head back up his wide eyes searching hers in wonder. She was crying damn it. Clenching his teeth he turned his gaze away again as he tried to make sense to what she had said. If he understood it correctly because he wasn't sure if it was not his crazy mind playing a trick on him. Maybe his survival instincts kicked in making him hear things… making him dare to hope.

"In the future?" He repeated her words looking up at her like she was offering him eternal life. Her lips trembled and he felt a small ray of hope. "You sure?" He asked staring at the not existing crack on the table, everything in him praying and hoping.

"Maybe." She whispered so quietly it was more a breath than a sound but he heard it clear and sound.

He stared at her and didn't know what to say. Was she really giving him a second chance? Was she really, really ready to consider the possibility of a future with him after all the terrible things he had done? God, if she was, he would fight for her forgiveness, fight for her love, fight for her until his very last breath. He would prove her with every breath he took with every heartbeat that she meant the world to him…

"I need to think. And I think you do too." She whispered finally downcasting her eyes. "It was a long day…" She said standing up and throwing an uncertain glance at him. "for both of us."

He couldn't agree more but he didn't dare to speak. What she said, what she offered or was ready to consider to offer, a future together, was still standing on so shaky legs that he was afraid he would jeopardize it if he would open his big mouth to say something… anything. There wasn't really much to say anyway. He was sorry for everything but he had already told so much and he doubted it was the right time to tell her his biggest realization that he was in love with her. So instead he said nothing just sat there and watched as she left the living room and went into the bathroom then came out with the first aid kit. Slowly and carefully she placed it on the table.

"Whatever happened with you, those look bad." She said and without a second glance she walked up the stairs and disappeared in the bedroom.

Barbie stared at the first aid kit but did not move to open it. He deserved all the pain he was getting. He deserved much worse actually. Instead of cleaning his wounds or checking the broken ribs he was sure he was nursing he went into the bathroom and took a quick shower. As he pulled of the dirty, bloody clothes and washed off everything that had happened the day he felt he could finally really leave his old life and everything that went with it behind in the past. All he needed to do was focusing on the future. As he walked out of the bathroom he threw a glance upstairs. It was already dark and the bedroom door was closed. Julia was right, they both needed space and time away from each other to figure out what to do. As he grabbed a blanket and pillow from one of the closets he could only pray that when morning came, she would still consider a second chance. There was nothing in the world he wanted more.

It wasn't that easy to write this chapter but it is done now. I hope you liked it!

knuckles99heidi: I hope you liked this one too!

yas-m: Here we go! And yeah Max… she won't ever understand.

Romantic In Denial: Actually I think Max is really representing everything that Barbie was before Julia. It must have been a shock seeing his old self reflecting back at him at that time.

maricejayo: I was worried when Max appeared in the show but yes you are completely right, she moved Jarbie forward.

.love3: I hope you liked this one as well!

Guest: Here you are!