Thanks everyone for reading, I am riding the waves of inspiration right now, so here's more! Hope you'll like it!

xo, w.

PS: if one might find Michael's thoughts slighly cyclical, repeatable, well, to my experience dealing with heartbreak feels like circling the same thoughts, emotions for what feels like ever.

PSPS: Nothing is mine, still.

(3)

Things got easier in the upcoming days. Maybe I was so overwhelmed with anger than I suddenly couldn't feel it any longer. It didn't evaporate – but it became manageable, leaving me with time and space to let my life back on, though shaky, tracks.

I started exploring Tsukuba, and given it is a home of so many universities, it had a cosmopolitan feeling to it. Globalization, Americanization, whatever, I had no doubt the real Japan was much different. But I liked it, seeing McDonald's and Coca Cola made me feel more at home.

I tried to reach Lilly, but she wasn't returning my phone calls. Every time I talked to Mom or Dad, she was mysteriously in the bathroom or out.

Boris didn't have much to tell me, either. Mia wasn't in school. He said he and Tina went to visit her, and she had a bad case of bronchitis. I saw no reason why he would lie to me.

And as days were slowly passing, I found myself missing my New York life, and, especially, Mia. As much as I hated her for throwing everything away the way she did, I discovered I missed her much, much more than I could ever resent her.

On Wednesday I couldn't take it anymore. It was late at night, after midnight, but sleep was nowhere in sight. I poured myself a drink and sat down behind my laptop, opening my email account.

As much as I wanted to talk to her again, I had no idea what to write her.

I dismissed most of my thoughts. I couldn't demand an explanation. I couldn't tell her what I really thought of her actions. We were friends now. I had to move pass that, in my email.

After an hour and another drink I only had the first paragraph written.

Hey, Mia. It's me. Well, obviously. Just checking in to see how you're doing. Lilly tells me you haven't been in school all week … hope everything is alright.

Her immune system crashed because of me. Of course she was alright. Keeping a friendly tone without showing how desperate I was, well, making that damned prototype was easier.

I looked at the time. I had to be back in the lab in five hours.

I'm settling in here in Tsukuba. This place is a little nutty – they really do eat noodles for breakfast! But fortunately you can still find egg sandwich most places. Work is what I expected it to be – hard – but I really think I have a solid chance of actually getting this thing off the ground. Although who knows if I'll still feel that optimistic after a few more weeks of this.

I refrained myself from saying most mornings – or days – I didn't even bother looking for sandwiches. Whatever McDonalds had to offer was more than alright for me.

And while the work might be difficult, it felt like a remedy for me. Under artificial laboratory lights, with no windows in sight to tell me whether it was night or day, I managed to focus on the robotic arm solely. As hard as the work was, it got my mind off her.

I reread what I had had written. It was so cold, so impersonal, like an email I would send to, I don't know, Doo Pak or Felix. Yeah, we were friends – or at least attempting to be – but, come on, I couldn't treat her like some girl I went to high school with! She was so much more, as my heart kept reminding me. Even without the love aspect, we just matched.

And we needed to keep that, if one day, maybe, we would get a chance to rewrite our story.

I scorned myself for getting my hopes up. Nothing she had done since I left showed any indication that was what she wanted. Quite the opposite, really. And yet I was still pining for her, the random commoner I was.

I really knew how to make my life complicated.

Then I remembered something I had read just before I left for Japan. I never got a chance to mention it for her.

Did you see they're supposedly in talks for a Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel reunion movie? I thought you'd be excited about this.

It was just a rumor, an unconfirmed one, more like a wish than a genuine possibility, but it was a perfect personal touch.

And I remembered her collection of Buffy figures and how she sold one to buy me a Christmas present, the present I was actually selling to get money for her only missing figure.

It was a sweet memory, but it ached. Only a thought of maybe one day happening again made it bearable.

Well, I have to go … I really hope you're out of school because you've jetted off to somewhere great for princess duty, and not because you're come down with something.

Ii already knew she was sick, but I didn't want to reveal it to her. I was poking too much for someone who had just broken up with his girlfriend, anyway.

I signed it, and was just about to send it when I caught something I shouldn't have included.

I couldn't sign it love, Michael, like I used to. It might be true, but it was no more. We were just friends now.

And then I clicked send, before I could change my mind.

I didn't expect an immediate response, even though I kept refreshing my inbox.

But then a day passed.

And another.

And there was still no reply from her.

I tried not to think too much of it. So, she was busy, no big deal. She was sick, she probably had a lot of school work to catch up on. And we were just friends, there was no need to hurry.

But were we really? Friends, I mean? Or was it only an illusion I was living in, a comfort?

Maybe she hated me, still, for sleeping with Judith and not telling her about it. Maybe she was still too upset with me to reply.

Or maybe she just didn't care.

I had seen the photograph in the Post. Maybe that was the answer I needed. She was with JP now. She didn't need me. She didn't care about me.

And it filled me with anger again. Did the past two years really not mean anything to her?

Maybe she was even making fun of me for contacting her.

It took all the strength I had to remove that thought from my mind. It must have been something else. Of course she cared for me, in some way, still you can't just erase two years. She was just too busy to write back.

Despite that photograph with JP.

I managed to trick myself until Sunday. On Sunday, I didn't have to go to the lab and I had a day all too myself. Sadly, it meant I was once again a victim to my mind's most cruel ideas.

There was no other way but to write her again, hoping the first email somehow got caught in her spam filter.

The second time around writing wasn't any easier. I blocked the urge to beg her to write to me. I struggled not to show how desperate I was.

I realized I could sit there, in the kitchen, until hell froze over, without finishing the email. I went for a run, hoping chilly autumn air would clear my head. I've been in Tsukuba long enough to recognize some of the faces I bumped into, making me realize yet gain it was time to shake off the past and make the best out of the present.

I delayed my return to the apartment for as long as I could. The dropping temperatures finally forced me to return to the unfinished email.

When would it get easier? Will it ever feel even as remotely like it did before?

I should have known. You can't just erase two years, so much history, and go back to the shaky friendship we had had before getting together. And I wasn't like we had been best friends; I was first and foremost her best friend's older brother, and she was my baby sis' quirky best friend. I was horrified at the thought of being nothing more than the friend's older brother again. Now, when Lilly was clearly angry and, no doubt, very cold towards Mia, the role sucked even more. Why would she even want to be friends with me? I was only reminding her of my betrayal and Lilly's hateful treatment.

Was there even a point in my attempt to get in touch with her?

I had to try. I would never know if I didn't. I would forever wonder what could be if I got my act together and try to make the best out of the terrible situation we were in.

Dear Mia, I started.

Hey, I heard you had bronchitis. That sucks. Hope you're feeling better now.

Things here are still good. We're already working hard on the first stage of the robotic arm – or Charlie, as we're calling it. I'm even starting to get used to the food, though baby squid isn't really my idea of a snack.

I needed to be upbeat and optimistic, I guess. She didn't need to know how I was really feeling, angry at myself and the world. I needed to show her I wasn't upset with her. There was no point in carrying on resentment, all the way in Japan.

Not if I want to stay in touch with her.

I understand my sister's been giving you a hard time. You know how Lilly is, Mia. She'll get over it eventually. You just have to give her space.

Though I doubted the space would be enough in this case. I had never heard Lilly as upset with anyone, yet alone with Mia. I feared she might take it so far that when she'd cool off, Mia would be the one not wanting to move passed it.

I know you're feeling under the weather and probably swamped with homework and princess stuff, but if you get a chance, I'd love to hear from you.

And there it was, as desperate plea for her to write back as I would let myself write.

Michael

I reread the letter, sensing something was amiss. I could pinpoint it, but could do nothing about it.

Clicking send was so hard, I'd lift my hands up and surrender if it was for anyone other than her. As much as loving her was destroying me, it was keeping me going.

Days went by, with no response from her. Boris mentioned she was back in school, so her sickness was no longer a plausible excuse for the absence of her response.

It was getting more and more apparent that she simply didn't want to be in contact with me any longer. Maybe I was fighting with windmills, all the way in Japan.

I never thought it was noticeable, the effect the excruciating silence and past ten days had on me. It wasn't until lunch with colleagues that I realized I wasn't resenting myself very well. For someone who was in Japan thanks to his own invention, something that could potentially change the medicine as we know it – though given my current luck it would not surprise me if it ended up flunking – I was arrogantly gloomy.

Midori, a super smart girl with ever-present smile, was the one that brought it up. She was observant enough to whisper it, so that the words drowned in the throbbing diner.

"Why are you so sad?" she asked.

It caught me off guard.

"I am not sad," I quickly denied, but she saw through me.

"If you say so," she shrugged and paused before continuing. "It is alright to miss someone, you know."

"There's no one to miss," I said with a broken vice.

"Maybe that is why you're missing her so much," she suggested, as if knowing my life story.

I didn't respond.

Frankly, I was in Japan. There was no point in trying to keep up with happenings in New York, or so I tried to convince myself.

I didn't acknowledge Boris' mentions of Mia anymore. I wanted to tell him to just stop, to leave it alone, just like I want it. I hated myself for having something, something I didn't dare to name, preventing me from saying it to him. I was forcing myself not to think of her. Every time she crept into my mind, I either pulled the plans for robotic arm closer, drowning myself in inspecting them, or went for a run. I was spending more and more time running outside, and it turned out to be a good way of getting to know my new hometown better, not to mention meeting people. By the number of American I bumped into while jogging, one might figure we all had some demons to fight off.

And so days began passing by. I stopped counting how long I had been in Tsukuba, and though my own demons were still very much alive, I somehow learnt to manage them. I knew ignorance might easily come back to haunt me, but for the time being, it was the rope I was clinging on.

To Be Continued.

Broughttoyouby:::winter.