Hello dear readers! Another chapter is ready, I am sorry they are coming so slow but life and work just went crazy around me. I hope you are going to like this, as always please leave me reviews!

Uncertainty

(S01x11 – Part 1/5)

He was tossing and turning all night long. He just couldn't sleep; his mind was miles away – with Julia, with the memories they have created, with the ominous day with Peter and its effect on his life now. If he was going to lose Julia because of it… He clenched his jaw in frustration. He couldn't help but feel anger towards the dead guy. Peter made him kill him. He might have done it for Julia, for the life insurance or simply because he was a coward. He had met Peter before. The guy had owned Max before that day too; only back then he had been paying. He had seen him with some cheap women when he came to collect the money he owned. He hadn't cared back then, but now after meeting Julia he had no idea how anyone with his right mind would be able to look at any other women when he could have her. It made him angry that Peter had been such a coward; it made him angry that he had forced him to kill him and with that might have ruined his only chance to be truly happy. But most of all he was angry with himself. For lying to Julia, for falling under Max's control again, for being a bustard and after everything he had done still wanting Julia… He let out a deep sigh and made a face. The couch was cold and uncomfortable beneath him.

Actually he had slept under much worse conditions before. In Iraq, during his training as a soldier, after his father brought him home and he joined forces with the gang… He had slept in his car more often than not and a car was anything but comfortable to spend the night in. But still this couch was now the most uncomfortable thing he had ever tried to sleep on.

He turned yet again, wincing as his broken ribs protested against the movement and his cut up face burned with pain. He threw a glance at the first aid kit which was still sitting on the table next to the sofa. Cleaning his wounds was not on his agenda though. He deserved all the pain he was getting, actually he deserved much worse. Sighing again he stared up at the ceiling and frowned. He was pretty sure Julia's couch was a comfortable one, it was soft and wide enough for a person. In any other circumstances he probably would have said it was a pretty good couch. But not now. Now it only reminded him of the fact how screwed up he was and how much worse he had made it. Maybe… In the future there can be no more lies… Her words were echoing in his mind and he let out a depressed sigh. He felt guilty and dirty about the whole business he got himself involved during the day. He felt broken and wanted to beat himself up when he thought about the sadness and disappointment shining in Julia's eyes when he finally confessed the truth about Peter… He was no good for her he knew that still he couldn't let her go. His mind was desperately trying to find a way to make her see he was truly sorry and ready to do anything, anything, to make it right, to earn her trust, to keep her in his life.

Wincing he turned towards the window. It was getting lighter outside, morning was coming. Glancing at the clock hanging across the room on the wall he frowned. It was 6 am. He hasn't slept more than 1 maximum 2 hours the whole night but he was sure he was not going to be able to sleep anymore. Carefully he sat up, holding on his aching ribs and he made his way to the kitchen.

He was on auto pilot mood as he reached out for the coffee, put two mugs under the coffee machine and turned it on. He took milk from the fridge, waited for the coffee to fill the mugs and put sugar and some milk into one, placing it on the counter – he knew how much Julia loved coffee in the morning. Then he grabbed the other one and walked back into the living room. As he sat on the couch nursing his coffee, black and just as bitter as his thoughts he felt his body tense and his hands tightened around the mug with every passing minutes. This was a new day, Julia had time to think the situation through and no matter how much he wanted to see her again, how much he wanted to know where they stood he feared the moment just as much. If she had changed her mind… God, the thought of leaving her made him clench his jaw so hard a muscle jumped in his neck. And if she wanted him to leave, could he do that? He was selfish and Julia was the best thing that had happened with him, would he, could he leave her?

As he took a sip from the coffee he heard the bedroom door open upstairs and his body froze immediately. His eyes widened slightly, his lips parted and he swallowed hard. He could hear her light footsteps coming down the stairs. There was a short pause as silence filled the air. She was there, her eyes were on the back of his head, he could feel them, his whole body aware of her presence but he did not dare to turn and look at her. Instead he waited, his mug in his hands, his grip iron strong around it. Seconds passed by and they felt like hours until she finally moved again.

"How was the couch?" Her voice was stiff and she sounded tired as she stopped a few feet away from him. No good morning, no greetings. At least she did not sound cold.

"Lonely." He answered honestly. She had simply no idea how lonely the stupid couch had felt. Within those few days he, who before Julia had never shared his bed with anyone for more than a few hours, he, who had preferred and wanted to keep his private space, he got so used to her body resting next to his that it became a necessity for him to feel her close to be able to rest well. He could only rest when he knew she was safe, preferable in his arms.

As he slowly glanced up at her he had to gulp back the knot forming in his throat. She was already dressed in jeans and a white blouse but he noticed the dark circles under her beautiful eyes. She hadn't been sleeping well either and Barbie felt like kicking himself for it, all over again. He was the reason she was so messed up. He hurt her…

"So was the bed." She answered suddenly, her eyes searching his, her whole body radiating confusion.

"Do you want me to leave?" He asked not being able to wait one more moment without knowing it. He feared her answer but he needed to know. He would deal with her answer somehow but he couldn't take this uncertainty anymore.

She said nothing for several long moments her lips opening slightly in surprise about his blunt question. Then she seemed to gather her thoughts and determination shone in her eyes as she stepped closer to him. He braced himself for whatever she was about to say his heart beating in his throat.

"I want you to take me to Peter's grave." She said finally and he felt shock washing over him and his mind went blank for a moment. What?

Why she would want to go to the grave? She must have seen his confusion because the next moment she answered his silent question.

"For us to move forward, I need closure. I think you do too. So… yeah, I need to see Peter's grave." She said a bit uncertain at the beginning but getting more confident by the end, her eyes never leaving his. Pain was still evident in them but they were not cold. She looked at him hesitantly, almost shy, not about what she said but that after all what had happened they were still having a conversation about a possible future. That made his mind slowly start to clear from the haze he'd been in. He could imagine how conflicting her feelings must have been, so were his. But one thing he knew, there was nothing he wouldn't do for her. If she wanted him to take her to Peter's grave, he would do that no matter how much guilt or pain it would cause to him. If she needed closure, he was going to give her that. Who knows, maybe she was right, maybe he needed that too.

Slowly and carefully he leaned forward to place his mug on the table. He stood up and stepped closer to her. They were still some feet away from each other, too big of a distance, something he was not used to, but he did not dare to step closer, afraid he might push her too fast too far. He stared into her confused eyes and had to force himself not to reach out for her.

"I'll go get dressed." He said but his answer meant so much more and he knew she understood. She always understood him. Slowly he turned away and made his way up the stairs throwing a lingering glance at her one more time before disappeared upstairs.

That was it for now. I hope you liked it!

Romantic In Denial: As always, thank you so so much for your reviews they always give me extra energy to keep writing!

knuckles99heidi: Thank you! I try to keep these as much accurate to the series as possible. I love re-watching their scenes and watch out for their reactions.

Girlwitharrow: Oh thanks a lot I am happy you liked them! It is actually a lot of fun for me too to watch the episodes again and pay attention to Jarbie, what is exactly going on. Of course it is just how I see them ;) And yeah I can't wait to get to the ambulance scene either but actually I can't wait to get the season 2 somehow their relationship is more stable there.

Guest: Thank you a lot for the review! What you wrote about Julia's feeling made me think and I might have come up with another short one-shot!

yas-m: I have missed you! Thank you for the review! (: