Thanks for reading!

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Much love, w.

PS: Have you read the excerpt from the upcoming Middle Grade Princess book? It explains quite a bit.

FEBRUARY

(3)

Home – Part II

The moment I saw her, I knew she was all too aware of me knowing about the website. She knew I was standing there, watching her carefully, but she didn't even glance in my direction. She was unbuttoning her coat, slowly hanging it, trying to prolong what was inevitably happening for every second she possibly could.

I had been around when Lilly was at her worst. A revengeful fury she had been on those occasions, the true drama queen, brave – or careless - enough to face whoever was in her mind doing her wrong. Assertiveness was never a problem with her – she stood up for herself, defending herself even when it was obvious she was the one making mistakes.

Frankly, I had never seen her like this, afraid, beaten, almost ashamed of herself.

I crossed my arms. Whatever she was feeling about it now, it didn't make it okay. It didn't make me any less angry.

She was the first to speak up.

"So, you are home," she said, looking at her hands. "Mom's really psyched about it. Beware, though, I doubt she'll let you leave on Sunday."

"Yeah," I felt the impatience rising in me. "Lilly, we need to talk."

"Look, Michael, I am sorry, alright?" she exclaimed then, but there was a complete absence of any emotion in her voice. She didn't seem sorry – she didn't even sound angry about my bringing it up.

"What were you thinking?!" I heard myself screaming. I knew it was wrong, raising my voice like this, but emotions once again got the better of me. Suddenly the whole weight of my sister's action was upon me, a million little things it could result in. The carousal on uncertainty, run by my demons, was in full swing again, driving me insane.

"I was just really, really angry, alright?!" she yelled back me.

"And how do you think I was feeling? Don't you think the whole situation was slightly worse for me than it was for you? And yet I didn't go around creating hateful website about her! Do you have any fucking idea what this could do to her, Lilly?"

"Wanna know what I think, Michael? I think nobody sees ME in this whole fucking mess!" she yelled. "You all go around saying how difficult it was for you and her, but no one ever considers how everything affected me! You think you are the only one losing someone? You think you are this huge victim because you moved to Japan and will be away for so long from your family? Well, what about me, huh? Did you ever wonder about me? I had to witness my brother getting his heart broken, a day before leaving for Japan! My only brother moving to fucking JAPAN for a YEAR! You think it was easy for me? You think it was easy for Mom and Dad? All they think about is how Michael is doing, you are what they talk about with their friends, not me. And I get good grades, my show is getting more recognized, and yet they don't even see me! All they see is you, and you are not even here! But, alright, sibling rivalry, that's not a big deal, huh? Well, what about my own BOYFRIEND breaking up with me practically the moment you left? Leaving me because … because he liked someone else? Someone, as in, my best friend, my brother's girlfriend, the girl responsible for my brother's leaving? You might have lost your girlfriend, Michael, but I lost my brother, my boyfriend and my fucking best friend in a DAY! Do you know how it feels, losing everything all at once? Or are you too, like everyone else, too preoccupied by yourself to even think about me?"

I witnessed Lilly's outburst before, but never had they been this justified, this real, this honest. It stunned me, making feel guilty. She was right, of course. Never have I wondered how she was doing, how she was dealing with my leaving and everything it had brought along. Of course I could find comfort in knowing Lilly had never been good with showing her true emotions, preferring to hide them behind the opposite of what she was really feeling. She never liked to appear weak, and it was her way of protecting herself. But reality, it more often than not made the situation worse, distancing her from others, only exaggerating the problem. Over the years, she mastered the art of suppressing her true emotions to the extend nobody ever doubted in her performance. Clearly no one wondered how my leaving affected her – she didn't even give anyone a chance to consider it, seeing how angry she was at everyone.

I should have realized it, though. I was her brother, I was there when she developed into this cool, collected, assertive, sensitive girl she was now, much thanks to our parents. I should have seen through her act, but instead, I let her down, too focused on my own world crumbling.

"It still does not make it okay," I swallowed hard.

She shook her head.

"Did you even hear what I said, Michael, or are you still only seeing yourself, like you always have?"

"I heard you. But it was still…"

"Still wrong?" she cut me off. "Well, then tell me, what was I supposed to do? I couldn't just go away from it all, like you did. I had to be here, every day, looking at her, knowing how much she had hurt you, watching her with JP, not having any idea whatsoever."

"Any idea whatsoever about what?" I carefully asked, though somewhere in the back of my mind I already knew the answer.

I think she then realized that she had said a bit much. She avoided mz ezes again, trying to think of a way out.

"Lilly? Tell me," I demanded.

I swear I hadn't seen her bit her lower lip in years.

"Calm down," she mumbled.

"Calm down? I am perfectly calm," I dismissed her.

"No, you're not. And you can't do anything about this, understand? Besides, it doesn't matter anymore. She broke up with him months ago," she tried to make whatever she was taking about less important than it clearly was. But it only enraged me more.

"Lilly, just tell me, it is fine," I tried to laugh it off, but only listening to my affected laughter I realized how threatening I actually sounded. That explained why she looked so scared. But there was nothing I could I do about it – if she indeed was talking about what I thought she did, I was nowhere near calming down.

Not surprising, she didn't believe me one bit.

And so she did what she always had, once things got a bit too real for her liking. She changed the subject.

"You still love her, don't you?" she said, completely oblivious to my boiling anger.

It caught me completely off guard.

"What?"

"Don't bother denying it, really. You have that expression again."

There are only two people in the world that can completely confuse and disarm me at the same time. One of them is Mia. The other is my baby sister.

"What expression?"

"The expression you wore that December night when I confronted you with feelings you had for her. And told you she was the one sending you those dreadful poems."

I couldn't just let myself forget about whatever JP did.

"That is completely beside the point," I argued.

"No, it demonstrates my point completely. I don't dare to tell you when you clearly have unresolved feelings for Mia. Why else would you so freak out about that website?"

"Because…"

"Look, Michael, you don't have to tell me. I was way out of line. And … yeah, looking back I do realize everything was not Mia's fault. Though you can't deny she was completely psychotic about the whole Judith Gershner thing, but whatever. I thought that by creating that web I would hurt her at least a bit as much as she hurt me. Too late I realized a stupid website cannot make my pain go away. I can't undo it – though I wouldn't be surprised if you have already done something about it – but I promise you, I will make up for it. I swear. I am already working on it."

I usually could tell whether or not my sister was speaking the truth. This time she went the extra mile to keep me in the dark. Determination on her face overshadowed everything she might as well be feeling.

"What are you planning on doing?" I eyed her suspiciously

"Just trust me on this one, okay?"

"I don't want to sound mean or anything, Lilly, but today has kind of proved that it is rather difficult to trust your judgment sometimes."

She pinched me in the shoulder.

"I am glad you are home, Michael, by the way," she smiled, "I did kind of miss you."

"Yeah, I did kind of missed you too," I laughed. "Now, come on, tell me, what did JP do?"

Her grin became sourer as I mentioned his name. Dark clouds once again descended in front of my eyes and I felt my rationality being swept away by rainy floods.

"Can't you just let it go? I am with Kenny now, and she has broken up with him, it doesn't matter."

I decided to ignore her remark about Kenny. Now she was going out with him? Albert Einstein High School must be getting smaller by the year. Are there really not any boys left? How could possibly my sister and her best friend literary pass boyfriends to each other?

"So they truly were going out?" I tried to sound playful, but I failed miserably.

"Well, that was what she thought," Lilly spat.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Michael, come on, you invented revolutionary medical device or whatever. Figure it out, it was all over the papers. And I mean ALL OVER the papers. I know you have always been quite blind when it came to Mia, but come on, this is too obvious for even you not to notice."

I thought about her words. All over the papers? Why did she emphasize that so much? Yeah, sure, they made paper headlines, she the princess and he the son of a leading Broadway producer, it was pretty inevitable. It wasn't that surprising reporters going the extra mile to make sure to find out about their every date – unless it wasn't their hard work that got them the information leading to their date sites.

I should have known Mia wouldn't voluntarily put up with paparazzi ambushes.

"Are you saying he went out with Mia just to get publicity?" I said, but my calm was completely the opposite of what I was feeling inside.

"Well, clearly."

"And that was why she broke up with him? Because she found about it?"

I don't know why, but Lilly's eyes popped out. She was quickly back in control over her facial features, though.

"Actually, if you ask me, she still has no idea about this."

"Oh." It did sound a lot like Mia. Something a fact could be right in front of her, staring at her, and yet she wouldn't notice it. The same thing happened with my Algebra instructions in her Freshmen year. Not to mention, Tall Drink of Water song. "Why did they break up, then?"

She started clearing her throat, as if trying to hide her laughter, for whatever reason. Looking at my puzzled face, she turned around to collect herself.

"Well," I went on, unsure of what to make of it all, "this still doesn't explain why you were so upset with Mia."

"Really, Michael? You are getting more oblivious every year? Clearly JP had to break up with me first in order to start dating Mia, don't you think?"

"Are you telling me he broke up with you just so that he could get together with Mia?"

"No, actually I think he only started dating me in order to get close to Mia and her royal spotlight."

Once again she said too much. This time, way, way too much. Not only Mia and Lilly are the only two people in the world who always, no matter what, have a complete control over me, they are also the two people I love most, so much I would do anything, literally anything for them.

And there was no fucking way I would let some sleazy prick like JP play with them like this, for whatever wicked pleasure he got out of it.

Without even realizing it, I walked to the closet and took my coat out of it, putting it on.

Lilly appeared in front of me, pushing me away from the door. I could see her mouth moving, but I didn't hear a word she was saying, too wrapped in my own thoughts of where to find JP on Friday afternoon.

"Move away from the door, Lilly," I heard myself mumble.

"No fucking way am I letting you out!" she screamed, putting all her strength into pushing me away. But I was bigger, stronger than her, it didn't affect me at all.

"Lilly…"

"What are you even planning on doing, huh? Beating the crap out of him? He deserves it, sure, but he is such a jerk, Michael, he will probably end up calling the police, getting in trouble! Wanna bet he'd sell his story to some fucking newspaper? Do you want the whole world reading about your inability to move on from your failed relationship with Mia? Do you want Mia hearing about it?"

Honestly, I wouldn't care about getting in newspapers. I wouldn't care about legal troubles beating up JP could cause me. That jerk needed to get what he deserved, and clearly I was the only one to do it. There was no fucking way I would let him get away with.

But thinking of Mia stopped me. Even if she learnt about his calling the paparazzi, would she understand why I did it? Or would she see it just as another clear sign I was out of control, a danger to her? I still didn't know what she thought of my sleeping with Judith now. Putting JP in the hospital, justified or not, might be the last straw in our already uncertain bond.

Besides, Mia was never into physical retaliation. Actually, she wasn't revengeful at all.

"Are you gonna let it go now?" Lilly asked.

"That motherfucker," I mumbled.

"Yeah, well, we finally agree on something."

And so I took my coat off, pretending I let the whole JP thing slide. I spent the afternoon with Lilly, watching TV and ordering in lunch. Around seven, she went out to meet with Kenny. I waited half an hour, feeding Pavlov, and then I too headed into the night, with a specific goal in mind.

To Be Continued.

Broughttoyouby - winter.