Kaoru POV
One of us is for sure lost, me or this world? Well, since this world is big enough it would be mean to accuse it of being lost. I don't feel the world around me and It doesn't feel me either ..each one of us considers the other as a lie.
Emptying myself. I threw up memories and laughter "Kaoru , are you okay ?Open the door for me" my brother stood out there enjoying himself with my misery. His voice makes me feel more awful and sick than I already am. I washed my face , refusing to look at the mirror. Today this piece of glass is my worst enemy. I took it out of the wall and smashed it to the ground. "KAO! OPEN UP!" I jumped on broken glass and kicked it everywhere. I need a drink.
I opened the door to see my anger presented on his face. " how..HOW COULD YOU KISS ME?" screamed to my brother's face as I flew a punch that hit his left cheek "HOW COULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME" I punched him again and he fell to the ground I was upon him "how could you tell me that you loved me?" I held his collar "HOW COULD YOU TELL ME YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE AGAINA AFTER EVERYTHING! DO YOU EVEN HAVE A SOUL?!" my tears fell down on him "ahh.." he was in pain, I liked it "K-kaoru.. I really do love you" I gasped for air..how could he lie to my face like this again "DON'T " I left him on the floor and stood up "kaoru, you are losing control , please calm down" I looked to the source of that annoying voice,Kyoya "I AM NOT MAD,I AM HURT..and.. I need to drink" he went away and came back with a bottle of wine. I started drinking the red liquid as fast as I can. "Stop it ,Kaoru! doctors said that you are done with depression already you don't need to act like that!" my brother stood up, removing the blood that was coming from his nose and mouth "act?" this bastard thinks that I am kidding! My feelings are this cheap to him "yes! Stop it , you are fine and all that happened in this past ! today is not like yesterday! I do love you with all my heart" I keep on wasting my time..over and over, listening to the same scenario by him "Kyoya.." I turned my head to the third person in this room "yeah?" I walked to him "take me to your room" and clung to his shoulders, I made sure Hikaru is looking and I kissed Kyoya's neck "Oh! Kaoru ..you are drunk.." Kyoya said to me yet pressing me closer to him "your room..take me" I feel the world dancing with me and everything looks so weird. I wrapped my arms around Kyoya's shoulders as he left me up "Kaoru ! you can't do that!" my brother stops on our way "why not?" I ask not really wanting to know the answer "why not! Why not you say! Because you have feelings for me! you love me ,Kaoru!" he said and I give him the middle finger and whisper to Kyoya to take me away.
Kyoya POV
He was lying on my bed, helpless and hurtful, yet I couldn't shut the voices inside me that told to take this to my own benefit. He trusts me, I shouldn't do anything that breaks this trust. "why are you standing there?" he asked me since I was standing beside the door. He looked so desirable on my bed "nothing" this is finally happening, I imagined this moment for the last 5 years.. I think I can't stop myself anymore, he's too drunk to remember anything anyways. "KYOYA! IF YOU TOUCH HIM I'LL KILL YOU" his brother's screaming was coming from the other side of the door "fuck off..tell him to fuck off" Kaoru said , flipping to the other side "He is telling you to fuck off, Hikaru " I said and sighed "I am not leaving without him, Kyoya!" this guy is one of the most annoying people I have ever met "I am afraid you are going to wait until the sun rise or something, good night" I took off my tie and unbuttoned me shirt, I walked to the closet and took my shirt off when a pair of arms wrapped around my body , I could feel his breathes on my back "Kaoru? why did you leave bed?" I could feel his breath changing "I just.." he sobbed "please don't leave me alone.." I turned myself to face him and brought him closer to me. "I won't leave you" I moved his hair from his forehead and held his face "Kaoru..you don't have to be sad anymore" he sniffed and I held him closer to my body and breathed in his sweet scent. "come on" I led him to bed again. "you need to rest, it was a long day for you" he lied under the covers with me, his legs around mine and his head on my chest, I could feel his tears on my chest. I fondled his neck and shoulder until he relaxed. I left a kiss on his forehead "everything is going to be fine, you don't have to worry" I said and he raised his head so our eyes met "hmm .. I just don't wanna think about my past anymore..it hurts a lot" he sighed painfully "well , how about I make you feel better?" I asked and he bit his lower lip, he's not fully conscious after drinking wine, he looked away for a moment then nodded to me "okay".
Kaoru POV
Nothing. That's what I am.
I thought of Hikaru outside these doors all the time during this night, it's betrayal and cheating indeed. I hurt myself by doing this, in the beginning I wasn't really conscious and everything was dancing around me, I couldn't even remember agreeing to this, it was just happening. I felt hatred and hurt and disgusted of myself. it was awful, he blocked my screams with his hands and mouth, I was terrified that I couldn't find my voice to scream.. and to tell you the truth I thought that now Hikaru hates me the most and he wouldn't care to safe me. I didn't call for him or for anybody else..in my head I deserved everything that's happening to me, I deserve being treated like shit. My fingers were digging the fabric under me, my breathes were fast, I kept my eyes shut I didn't want to see his face. His thrusts were deep and hurtful I couldn't not to cry my eyes out in pain. God..I want to let it go.
Wondering what's wrong with me again. Why am I the one that should suffer like that , why don't I have a normal relationship full of love and trust like everybody else..why should I suffer, I should stop finding my face among the ashes..maybe anything is better than be alone..yes , this is better than sleeping alone. It's better than staying in love with my sorrow..
It's all the same. My childish fears, all reaching for me at the same time and I am not even running, I don't want to face them either.. let them eat me alive.
After a thousand years, he stopped moving and left my body rest in peace. "ahh.." I left a breathe when he left me alone in his bed and walked to the bathroom. must be exhausting not to have any sympathy or shame in him. " so there is no love , only words to get what he wants" the sun started to rise outside the windows, this was the longest and worst night in ever.. I dressed up again and left the room. I should find Hikaru.. I need to be hugged before I just die here.
I saw Hikaru sleeping in the car from the window. I ran out of the white doors to the car and knocked on the window. I bit my lip when he opened his eyes and looked at my shameful soul. stepped away so he could open the door. "Kaoru!" he stepped out and I couldn't prevent myself from crying the pain out. I threw myself on him and wanted to hide there for eternally. "what have that fucking bastard done to you?, tell me" he said, his hands holding me tightly and madly. "he…he.." I couldn't find any word to describe what he had done. I could taste the blood that was coming from my lower lip as I bite on it. my brother broke his embrace and wanted to go find Kyoya. I couldn't let that happen so I held him from the back "don't let me die here..Hikaru..it's the kind of heartache you can feel in your bones" Hikaru turned back to me "Kaoru! you just want to let him run away with it!?" Hikaru stood in front of me and touched my cold salty face, I nodded and rest my head on his shoulder. "it makes me feel better..knowing that you still care, that's all you need to do to make it up to me really" I left a kiss on his neck. He fondled my back and led me to the car.
"Kaoru.." he drove on the high way
"yeah" I was looking to my ugly arms
"if you want to cut yourself..remember that I.. love you" he holds my hand and drove using his other hand " when I say I love you I mean it like lovers do" he raised my hand to his lips and kissed it "you are so precious to me"
"hmm..well then, I have more reasons to love you than to cut myself, Hikaru" at that moment I did something that nobody should try to do, not while driving on the highway. I pressed my lips to Hikarus and kissed him deeply, he lost track for a moment and the car was going to both sides. "oh ! Kao, that was really dangerous! What are you trying to kill both of us!" I really don't care about anything, not even that "sorry , just felt like kissing you" I saw him smiling I know I did.
"Kamikatsu..?" I read the sign that was leading to a side street "Hikaru, where are we going?" , "well , obviously out of Tokyo. You need some fresh air and I didn't lose my mind to take you home where you'll feel depressed again. This village is a very nice place to spend time. I'll buy a cottage there and it's gonna be only you and I" he smiled proudly for his plan "eh..okay.." I opened the window and turned off the AC. There were mountains covered with snow at the top and small trees covering both sides of the streets "this is refreshing" Hikaru said yawning. After some time we stopped for breakfast "I just want coffee though" I said to Hikaru as we entered a small restaurant. We picked a rounded table beside the window and ordered some omelets and coffee.
"do you think I'd let Kyoya run away with what he have done to you?" my brother can be a pain sometimes" there's no need to do anything Hikaru, I was the one who asked him to take me to his room at the beginning. and I remember him asking me if he can do it with me and I agreed to that..it's all my fault actually" I sipped my coffee "really Kaoru! you were too drunk to make any decisions!" he took a bite of his food "you know what that is right?" he asked and I nodded "yeah..but I don't think that I have any feelings left to be pissed off or angry..deep down I think I deserved it" I said to him, he left his seat in front of me and moved beside me, he took some jam and put it on the toast and forced it to my mouth "eh..Hikaruuu, I said I am not hungry" I chewed the food in my mouth and swallowed it hardly "you are pale , you have to eat " I don't taste anything, it's like eating dust.
We went back to the car and Hikaru kept driving for more 3 hours, I spent them smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. "huh, Are we there yet? Why did you stop? " I asked "I am exhausted, I need to sleep, we'll drive again tomorrow morning " we left the parking lot and went inside a motel. A normal room with two beds and a small bathroom attached to it. my brother lied on one of the beds while I sat on the other. He went under the blankets and immediately drown into a deep sleep. I made sure the door was locked three times before pulling the table and put it on the door, just to make sure nobody can break in while we are sleeping. I looked to the wall and started my over thinking process.
When I start falling down , I never hit the bottom. Life keeps surprising me with more shit to deal with and I can't handle it anymore now. Every time I close my eyes I see the sky while I am falling down.. and it scares me because I know that I will soon hit the ground..you know sometimes I wish to finally hit it, sometimes I wish for everything to stop. But I know that moment will never happen. Not to me..
I tried to lay down and sleep, the blanket wasn't as soft as my own at home and the bed wasn't comfortable as well and the pillow was cold.." maybe the poor thing has never been hugged before.." and so I hugged my pillow tightly. Even though I couldn't warm it up "I think it has died long time ago" I threw it on the floor and flipped to face Hikaru. The space between the two beds was cold too. I got up and pushed my bed to his bed so we were close enough. I went under the covers again, Hikaru was sleep on his left side, facing me. " you know dear brother.." I know he was already sleeping but I like to speak to him this way, when he's sleeping he is completely defenseless, soft and supply and childlike. "the way you sleep with your face softened and your arms wrapped around my waist, is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced ..and that is why I fell in love with you." The warmth of his body kept me alive and I would never know how to capture that moment "sleeping next to you, that's all I ever wanted.." it's the most intimate you'll ever be with another human, at least now I know he will always be there near me. " I miss sleeping next to you, Hikaru.." I drown my face in his shirt and position his arms around me. sometimes we have thoughts that even we don't understand.
I am soooooo sorry guys for the delay T.T i got a new job and stuff, anyways i promis to update the next chapter by next week :D
leave reviews :