CHAPTER 3: Mr. Sandman

It's Monday, shit where did my weekend go…I'm back on this Masterson case and I hate it. I've been in the office less than five hours and already I want to leave. I've never felt so out of tune before. I drop my head on the stack of papers before me and take deep breaths; I feel a headache coming on. And what's with that banging on the door? I groan inwardly as the door pushes open. I look up to see Jessie standing with a coffee tray in her hand and motion for her to come in and close the door. She sits across from me, I know that look.

"Are you sure you don't need any help Ashley?"

I rub my eyes and press my palm against my forehead looking down at the stack of files in front of me, Masterson's a piece of work.

"No it's fine, I need to do this one on my own."

She frowns when I say this she leans over and sweeps the stack off the table with her hand before placing the coffee in front of me.

"Drink," ok when did my mother suddenly rise from the dead again?

"Jess what th—,"

"No, thank me later," she looks at me with stern eyes, "Drink."

Two mouthfuls of Joey's coffee and I feel myself coming together, my head is still pounding but it's a start.

"I'm not going to watch you burn out and run yourself into the ground," she whispers.

"Jess," I'm not sure what to say at this point. I never meant for this to happen, I just needed an escape, a way to forget. My lick my suddenly dry lips, when I look up at Jessie she's crying.

"Please don't Jessie, I'm sorry."

She's wiping away the tears and I feel like the worst person in the world. When she looks at me, her eyes a little dryer this time I know that it's time for that talk, but I'm at work, I can't do this…not here. My knees start shaking when I think back to the life I used to have, when did it become so difficult? I used to be happy, smiling at Jessie, we used to be happy. My dad was happy too. I didn't realize that my life affected so many, this is a lot to take in. Jessie's sigh breaks my concentration,

"I didn't mean for you to see that just now sorry,"

"No, please don't. It's ok, I guess there's a lot I have to sort out."

"Right," her eyes quickly leave mine as she gets up to pick up the files she threw off earlier. When she's done she looks as if she's scared to tell me something,

"What?"

"I persuaded Michaels to take over the Masterson case Ashley, you honestly don't need this right now and there are a few things we have to do."

"You what?" I was trying not to raise my voice but honestly?

She's not saying anything.

"For Pete's sake Jess, I'm not a child!" I get up so we're on the same level.

Her silence is making me really angry now.

"What could possibly be more important than this Jess? Tell me, because I obviously don't know."

Her lips are pursed, and she's still not saying anything, when I go to open my mouth again she beats me to it and breathes,

"Amanda." Then without waiting for my reaction she turns and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

It had been so long since I heard her name; I was close to forgetting what it sounded like, damn it Jessie, why do you always do this. Jess's voice kept ringing in my head with the sound of Amanda's name. Damn it, its hard even thinking about her name. I run my palm across my cheeks, they're wet…of course they are, this is what happens when you cry.

Why am I crying? I told myself I wouldn't. I need to leave, I can't do this here. I grab my purse and head out the door, when I pass the hall Jessie isn't there, figures. I went home and turned into a puddle on my living room floor, thank God my dad isn't home I honestly couldn't handle '21 questions' right now. It seemed like my tears were never ending, I hadn't cried so much in the beginning so why now, build-up? The only thing I was certain of anymore was the fact that the pain of losing her lead to me losing myself, and I was lost but I decided years ago that I didn't need saving, I didn't want to open myself like that again.

When I wake up I'm on the couch and there's a blanket up to my waist. I ease myself up my elbows and look forward to see Jessie sitting at the far end of the couch; I know she's been crying. She turns to look at me,

"I'm sorry."

I'm really not in the mood for talking right now but I'd rather get this over with sooner than later.

"It's ok."

"No it's not Ash."

"I know she's not coming back. I get it…please just leave it alone."

"That's not it."

"Then what is it Jessie?"

"Look at yourself, look at your life."

"My life is perfectly fine."

"When was the last time you heard 'I love you' from someone besides me or your dad?"

Where's she going with this?

"Tell me the last time you woke up and felt really good about you? Amanda's dead Ashley, that didn't mean you, had to die too. You keep everyone away with a ten foot pole, pretending like you're always busy with work and that you don't have a choice when you do. I'm not asking you to go around and sleep with everything that has a pulse but at least try to make you happy. Your heart didn't stop beating so stop acting like it."

"What do you want me to say Jess," my voice is cracking up and I know its coming.

"That you'll try," she says it so simply.

"I did try, it never worked and I'm sick and tired of you and my dad, always tag teaming to mess with my head. I don't want to be happy and I don't want to be in love. I did the whole love thing and guess what…it sucked. She died, she died and that was the end of it."

My throat is dry again and I'm just about on the verge of throwing Jessie in a wall right now.

"It wasn't your fault Ash,"

"How can you honestly say that Jess, she was running after me when the car hit her, it was a stupid argument, one that wasn't necessary."

"If she'd just stayed at the house like you—," I shoot her a look and she stops before speaking again.

"It's sad that Amanda died, but she should've listened. You told her specifically that you wanted to be alone, to process things. She knew you, knew how you got when you were under pressure and she still. I don't care if you loved her Ash, guilting yourself so you won't feel again is not going to happen, not as long as I'm alive."

I get up and walk off to my room without answering her. This isn't a guilt trip, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I grab a pair of hipster jeans, my chucks and a t-shirt, I'm going out.

"Don't wait up," I never meant to sound that unfeeling but it's too late to take it back now; that and I'm still angry.

I end up as Takers and I've possibly downed my 5th bottle of beer. I'm never one to be irrational and drink away my problems but right now I just want to be drunk and forget, hopefully the numbness sets in and I don't have to take another bottle, I know I wont be able to drive home and seeing as how Jessie so expertly gave the case to David I have no reason to be in the office tomorrow. More time to wallow, Brava Jessie, you deserve a medal.

"Another beer?"

I look up to see the girl from the other night, her eyes make my breath hitch, just as fierce as Amanda's only…they're blue, but I'm not in the mood for company.

"No thank you."

"I wasn't going to give you any way," excuse you.

"Excuse me?"

"You've had too much to drink already…I just needed a reason to come over here that's all."

"Why?" I could've sworn I just barked at her and I immediately regret it.

"You look lonely and my shift is over," she is bold…very bold.

"I don't want any company," a bit of hurt flashes across her eyes but then I see a sparkle.

"Martha's here."

"Sit," I'm not about to be run over by that uuh, woman neither am I ready to go home so having her stay seems like my midpoint. She smiles at me then sits down, pulling my bottle towards her she takes a sip of my beer.

"Well you're presumptuous."

"And you're drunk,"

"No shit Sherlock," oh Lord, I haven't used that line since college, and I feel so rude.

"I'm sorry," she looks amused when I say this, what, did common courtesy die while I was in my shell?

"Don't. Look, I know I'm being a little rude coming over here and invading your personal space but I just need a break from my brother," she nods her head over towards the bar counter and I see a guy doing stunts while pouring liquor.

"He's quite the entertainer," I muse.

"Yea, that's why I need a break. I'm not in the mood for competition tonight."

"You can stay, its fine." I look at her and she's staring at me. "Then again blue does bare a resemblance to green."

"What?" oh shit, I need to learn to keep my thoughts in my head.

"Nothing, I need to go to the bathroom." I get up and head south, I need to collect myself, tonight's not a good night to have word vomit.