A/N: Hiya guys!~ Here's chapter 2 (although I'm not half sure if people are reading this but meh). This chapter gives allusions to GeekyGenius's fanfiction entitled Dear Ran, just a teeny tiny reference to Conan letting his feelings out through writing. If you're a ShinRan fan, I advise you check it out! I haven't read past the second chapter yet (cos I'm a wreck) but it's really emotionally moving~

Oh, right, I almost forgot. This chapter also doubles as my entry for Poirot Cafe's Competition#8: Betrayal prompt. Just so everyone's aware *smiles*

ENJOY!~ ^^;

DISCLAIMER: DCMK is not mine! Dear Ran is not mine either. They are by Aoyama Gosho-sensei and GeekyGenius respectively.

Attachment

-*-.-*-.-*-

What does it take to hold on? Why can't I let go?
How can I even stoop so low?

-*-.-*-.-*-

Just how does one speak lies to the person who trusts you the most, the person who trusts you with her life?

I don't know the answer myself.

But if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that I didn't sign up for this. But it's too late to back out.

Before I knew it I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of lies and hopes and hurt and deception…

Before I knew it I'm already lost.

And broken.

And dead.

Dead to the world of innocence and laughter…

As time passes, my encounters with my father's killers grew increasingly dangerous, and aside from trying not to get caught, I took it upon me not to get the Inspector and his men into the mess as well.

And just as I thought, I can no longer keep my secret from all of those involved any longer—to one Hakuba Saguru, to be precise. It's not because he forced me into admitting, but because I owed him my life. When I was bloodied and in the brink of death, he was the one who rushed to my aid, not even caring about his supposed vow of finally getting me arrested. He barely got out unscathed himself, as he managed to earn a scratch on his forehead. After I've told him the details—everything from my father's death to Kid's rebirth—he agreed to help me, and we've been good friends since then.

But just as I began to think everything's turning out to be good, Aoko's suspicions came into the picture.

I don't know, maybe I wasn't careful enough or maybe she just got that good with reading past me, or… or maybe she noticed even the subtle change on the way I walk or talk or sit down, but somehow she found out I'm hiding something. Call it a woman's intuition or whatever, but it sent my nerves on edge. She must not know anything about my double life, after all… whatever it takes.

Tantei-san dropped me a call one night, days after that bloody heist which left me with at least three wounds on three different places, some time after the Brit saved my life. He says she's suspecting I got myself into something dangerous (I can guess that much) but she does not know exactly what it is. As to where she got that idea from I can only assume Tantei-san 'slipped' her some clues. Who would have ever thought that the naïve girl I spent most my days with can grow up to become this perceptive? To say that I'm proud of her is an understatement…

If only I can say the same thing to myself.

Perhaps the biggest blunder in my career is underestimating my best friend.

I thought I can keep hiding from her. I wanted to tell her but I can't. I can't gamble with her life. I can't tell her about how I became the ghost of my father. I most especially can't tell her my feelings. I can't keep her in the dark but I have to.

And before I knew it I'm a traitor to myself.

And alas, she's had it, and asked straight out about the wounds I tried to conceal, about the truth behind my silence.

I was silent, Aoko, not because I didn't want to talk to you, but rather I didn't want to start spurting out lies again.

And it hurts to know even my silence hurts as much as the lies.

She shouts and I let her. I deserved it. I stood there not saying a word because my silence spoke louder. The setting sun bore witness to the scene, and it couldn't have been any more mocking.

She knows I'm Kid, except I won't give her the privilege of confirming it. She knows, yet I keep her guessing still. She keeps asking a question to which the answer is but obvious. I won't say anything about it. If I keep her in the dark, they won't find her. If she knows nothing, then I can be sure she's standing on solid ground.

I can be sure there's no need to fear for her safety.

The striking of her palm against my cheek stung of bitter hatred, and the way her fists kept pounding against my open wounds can make a normal guy pass out.

I deserved this too. Every. Single. One.

But this pain?

It's nothing compared to the countless times I bore invisible daggers deep, deep down her pure heart, to the numerous instances I unknowingly ripped her beautiful soul into pieces…

Because I just can't tell her what I got myself in.

She runs away but I just stood there. I meant to go after her. I meant to make her understand I can't tell her my secret as of the moment. I meant to know she didn't mean it at all when she said she hates me. I died inside seeing her leave in tears. But it's dangerous to stand indecisive for long so I let her go…

Even if I'm once again betraying myself.

And it happened that I started to keep my distance: whether it was to avoid confrontation or keep her in the dark, I'm not entirely sure.

And I did all of it against my will.

I never meant to do it.

I swear I don't.

Forgive me, Aoko…

Funny how the only person who promised to protect her smile is the very person breaking her heart.

Because once again, I've proven myself stupid.

Not long after I stopped attending school altogether, I dropped her a call.

I've decided.

By the clock tower where our friendship bloomed, I've decided to say goodbye.

Just how stupid can you get, Kuroba Kaito?! my subconscious spoke.

You promised never to give that clock to anyone.

You promised never to give her smile to anyone!

Can't you do both? Stealing for your father and staying for your most important person?

Then why must you say goodbye on the very spot you first said your hello's?

But before I can stop myself, it already happened.

The words she never wanted to hear have slipped against my will.

I'm leaving.

For how long, who knows, really? Or if I'm ever coming back alive.

I tried to explain, I really did. I tried to tell her I can't tell her why I'm doubling as Kid for her own sake but…

But I…

I don't know.

For the first time in my life, I've ran out of answers.

For the first time in my life, I can't think straight, I've lost my cool, I've betrayed my father…

I've lost myself…

In hundreds and hundreds and even thousands of words that won't come out correctly.

And just as I imagined it, she runs away once again, in distraught, in pain, in fear, not knowing I fear losing her as well.

The little of what's left of her wings finally fell completely.

And I just stood there, not even bothering to pick up the pieces.

I don't know why or how but I suddenly felt exhausted, and I had to content myself with leaning against the wall of the tower. From below me, my knees gave way and I remained that way, just staring blankly as the clouds float by like nothing in the world is wrong.

Soon the clock sounded thrice, then four times, then five. I've grown numb to the cold by then, and before I knew it the clock sounded again six times before I sent my head falling in between my knees.

Odd…

I distinctly remember the weather girl saying there's zero percent chance of rain today at this part of the city.

Then what is this trickling down my face?

It was after the clock stroke one that I decided I better leave, and it was right about then that the afternoon's events came back to me.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

I was shaking and I didn't even know it. I was stumbling a few good times as I made my way to where the thought of you can't find me. But it was but a futile attempt to bring myself to a world where the 'you' who saved me from a dull, cruel life never existed.

Because anywhere I am, you're always there. Along the streets of Ekoda, in the park, heck, even waaay up the atmosphere.

(I should know, because in an effort to forget about you, I spread my wings and flew, possibly to a place we've never been before.)

It just so happens that by whim I flew out to Beika, just to check how my brother-in-soul is doing with his own problem, just to check if there's anything I can do to help. I figured that maybe in order to help myself, maybe I should help those who need it first.

Now, even before this night's visit, I've known beforehand what Conan does while everybody sleeps. Not that I'm stalking him or anything, but because we're pretty much going through day after day of constant promises and lies and deceit. Sometimes I just had to see how he copes up with all that. And even before I reached the Mouri residence I was flying back home, with the thoughts of settling down with a pen and paper.

It was then I started doing what Tantei-kun did. I started writing. The truth, the lies, everything in between…

My mission, my purpose, my secrets, my feelings…

…

(Aoko,)

I started writing, and I found it highly therapeutic.

Except, every time the ink bleeds through the paper, my eyes start to sting…

And the words blur beyond recognition.

There must be a way for them not to be washed away by currents, the feelings that I've kept inside for so long.

There must be a way to hold on while letting go…

(For as long as you're here I have a reason to live.)

(And for as long as you live, I live…)

For every single night since then, I drop a single blue rose on her balcony. Never red roses, because I secretly hated red. It reminds me of the same red flames which killed my father, and the same shade of red that seeps through wounded flesh. Blue roses, on the other hand, reminds me of her eyes, the same blue shade of the gentle sky, the same orbs that possess my being, the same blue which held her name.

Heh, funny. I almost thought I wanted her to think I never cared. But then I came to a point when she might think I'm dead if I stopped what I was doing.

Each rose represents a day. Each petal tells a story.

About a man with a thousand faces behind a monocle, and how he had to chase after shadows, risking his very life each night. Each night dying and coming back to life, because he had many reasons to die for but only one reason to live for.

…

I wonder if she noticed?

Kid might possess a thousand, maybe even a million, faces, yet there's only one face I long to show only her. The more I thought about it, the more it hurts. Because I know for as long as Kid exists I have to keep hiding behind all these faces…

I have to keep hiding what lies in the deepest depths of my heart.

Which is hard, because I see her slipping. And I hide.

And I see it.

And I hide again. To where she can't see me.

And it became a daily routine. I visit just to place another rose before she comes home, and I leave as quickly.

Because right now I can't appear before her.

Because I'm afraid.

And a more fearful thing is…

I don't know what I'm afraid of, exactly.

I'm like a wick slowly burning away, and I don't want to see her burn as I do.

And then one night she appeared to me as Kid was wrapping up another night's 'performance'…

A wingless angel with a tearful smile, furthermore in the middle of a possible battlefield.

And she's as beautiful as I remember her to be.

Beautiful… yet more broken than before.

Under the new moon she couldn't look even more luminescent, more surreal, more enticing… A creature not even words can describe.

As if automatic I stepped closer, if only to behold her shining presence, as she demands for answers my other self never gave her. And I whisper back words meant only to compliment.

I did my best not to let my mask slip. Right now I'm a stranger; a Phantom, but a gentle one, nonetheless.

As my usual routine, I knelt before her form and placed a single kiss on her hand, before offering her a single blue rose.

And I want to keep her there. I want to stay there frozen. I want this moment to last even longer. But I knew it won't.

She yearns for answers, but all I cared about was how to let her escape before they find out she's here. This is no time for argument or more lies or excuses. The one thing that echoed in my mind was getting her out of there.

And so without a moment's notice, I sent her to sleep and took her away, back to the safety of her bedroom walls. I'm sure Tantei-san will handle the rest.

…

Kaitou Kid is a man of stealth, and I opened her balcony door, slipped in and placed her down on her bed without making a single noise.

After propping her up in a comfortable position and drawing the blanket over her, I let my hand wander through her chocolate mane, always a mess but smooth beyond lack of description.

For a split second I thought of staying, even just for another minute, just to see her sleeping…

Just to make sure she still breathes.

But I can't.

I can't stay.

How could I when I can't even protect your smile?

I am not what people think I am.

I am not strong-willed or courageous.

How can I deem myself such when I can't even protect how I feel for you?

I am a deceptive, manipulative slave for revenge.

I am but a ghost.

The ghost of my father.

And the last time I checked, ghosts are not entitled to feel.

Just as I was about to leave, however, a gust of wind drew me back to her side, even more when the sweet sound of my name escaped her lips.

Kaito…

That drew it.

With the single utterance of my name, my mask slipped completely.

I held Kid's monocle between gloved fingers as I spun and quickly leaped to where she sleeps.

By the edge of her bed I collapsed. My Sweet Sapphire continues to sleep deeply between the covers, whilst droplets of clear liquid trickle down her features.

And even in her dreams, she's looking for me. Even in her dreams, she seeks for answers.

Oh, Aoko.

Before I knew it, I'm already holding back whimpers. A gloved hand reached to wipe her tears away, while my own tears flow without my permission. Soon it went up in between tangles of her hair, and only now did I realize how much I'm giving up for the very person I'm protecting. I have to give up seeing her to keep her safe.

I have to give her up for her own sake.

Aoko…

I held her hand and leaned closer, kissing every wretched tear that dared fall from her eyes. While I… let myself break down. I leaned even closer, hoping of all hopes she won't wake up just yet, if only I can stay a bit longer. And with a silent prayer, she continued dreaming, and I took that chance to whisper promises in her ears.

Aoko, I choked.

God knows I want nothing more than to see you smile.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Aoko…

Please don't hate me.

I'm sorry.

I'll even get you a new set of wings if I have to.

Aoko.

I'm so sorry but I love you.

What else am I supposed to say?

All throughout the night, I sounded like a broken recorder, repeating the same words over and over and over.

(Only, these are words she cannot hear…)

I kissed her last teardrops away just before dawn broke, and some of the words I cannot say, I wrote in between the petals of the lone blue rose by her bedside table. And sealed it with a kiss. All the words she never got to hear as she slept that night…

As well as the unspoken promise that in the end, everything will turn out all right.

Before I left, I slipped my mask on once again, determined never to take it off until all this is over.

The silk cape fluttered as I stood up. I placed my monocle back on, then took my hat off, placed it by my chest and bowed my final goodbye, before I disappeared in the twilight.

And no one, not even Bella Luna, knew of my visit.

Thoughts of her fluttered inside my head as I left…

I'll keep holding on to this jewel.

She's the most beautiful gem I've ever set my eyes on.

And the most dangerous.

Beautiful and sharp and wounding.

If I hold on too tight I'll end up bleeding.

But if I let go I'm afraid her world might shatter completely.

She was the girl who held my heart captive with just a single smile.

When the right time comes, I'll confess my feelings every day if I have to.

For now, I have to be content with watching over her without her knowing.

I can only be contented with dropping little reminders that I still care.

Someday the Phantom will cease to exist and then I can proudly say that the danger is over, and that there's no reason for me not to stay.

Someday I can finally get rid of the ghost of my father and bring justice for his death.

Someday I can finally be myself again without ever having to hide.

Someday we can be together again, and I can continue protecting her smile…

I can only keep my distance 'til then.

I never want to hurt anybody.

It can't be helped.

For as long as the Phantom lives, I can never guarantee her safety. That's why I had to do it.

I had to lie to keep everyone alive… to keep her safe.

I had to lie so the truth she's always known will never be filled with darkness, so that the light brought by her smile will never disappear.

I had to lie, even if it means I'm lying to myself.

I had to keep distance…

Even if it means I have to push away her feelings and make her hate me even more.

Even if it eats me alive…

Lord knows I want to go back to how we used to be…

Back to a time before the Phantom took over.

Back to a time of laughter and merriment and innocent bliss.

And possibly back to the time when I'm not such a stranger

To myself…

(And most especially to you.)

*END*
(for now, anyway)

A/N: Hn, I feel like something's still missing... What do you guys think? :D

Good? Bad? Meh? Shall I end it there or...?

Hn, I'm thinking of making a sequel but I'm really not sure if anybody's reading this. For now, though, I'll put this here.

Also, I dunno about you, but I've always seen Aoko as an angelic persona, and I'm sure that's how Kaito sees her too (although he'll probably deny it to death, canonically speaking), hence the wings and angel elements mentioned.

Til then, minna!~ *hugs and kisses*

-neonquincy1217 :3