Su huddled in the dark, a wrench clutched in her hand and she waited for the inevitable chaos to die down and the bumbling posse of ship thieves to come looking for the problem. She should have cut the comms first, but that was Mari's territory, so a stalled engine and a barricaded hatch it was. She was fairly sure the emergency life support would hold out long enough for Mari to find her.
The pounding on the hatch door came sooner than expected, a muffled voice ringing through the rusted steel. "Su, in the name of all that's holy you open this door right now or so help me I'll vent this whole ship and you with it!" Su was on her feet in half a second, wrenching the carefully arranged crates and boxes of tools out of the way, hauling the hatch open to expose a very unamused Mari and a far too amused Korben Dallas standing on the other side.
"Mari!" Su rushed the woman, reeling back as Mari's fist met her nose soundly. "Okay. Okay. Fair, fair. I deserved that!" she sniffed, wiping her nose with a sleeve as she grinned up at Mari, who had dragged Korben into the engine room behind her.
"Damn right you did. Korben, re-barricade the door. Su and I need to have a chat. Now." Mari grabbed Su by the arm, dragging her to the back of the engine room and bearing down on her first mate with the fury of an exploding sun while she pressed an unopened weapons case into the woman's hands. "What the hell did you think you were doing?" Mari bristled, the crack in her voice belying her worry even as she bellowed at her first mate. Su wasted no time flipping the case open, arming herself while she shouted right back.
"What was I doing? What were you doing? It was my birthday, Cap!" Su roared, stepping nose to nose with Mari as she slammed a loaded magazine neatly into her gun, gesturing with it toward Korben. "Really, you just haaaaaaad to go and take that? On my birthday!"
"Technically, I saw him first."
"Don't matter. My birthday!"
"Come off it, Su. He's not even a redhead! You said you wanted a redhead!"
"Ladies, really, you don't need to -"
"Shut it, Dallas!" the two roared in unison, pausing to shout at him before returning to their glaring match, each trying to draw themselves up bigger than the other.
"It was my birthday!" Su whined, stomping her foot like a petulant child. Mari sighed, stepping back to run her hands down her face, an exasperated sigh leaving her.
"Su, remember when we were in Academy?" Mari growled from behind her hands.
"What about it?" Su pouted back, checking her sights.
"And there was that higher up who I had the hots for?" Mari's voice grew a bit weaker.
"Yeah? So?"
"And he was my superior officer? A Major. Remember, Su? The one who I never got cause he didn't know I existed?" Mari was all but groaning now, trying to dissolve into nothingness as she looked balefully at Su. "The one I kinda-sorta still fantasize about?"
"The one you...?" The woman looked between her captain and Korben for a moment before it hit her. "OHHHHHHH!" Her eyes grew wide as she looked at Korben, who, to his credit managed to not look completely stupid as the two women stared at him, their fight over as quickly as it had begun. "Him? Cap, I didn't know!"
"Yeah, yeah." Mari waved Su off as the girl tried to hug her, growling at the unwanted attention. "You still didn't have to go and steal the gorram ship!" Su had the decency to look cowed as Mari reeled on her again.
"Oh, that was me who went and took your ship." The women wheeled, guns at the ready. A smiling man stood in the doorway scratching Laika's head, a grin that made Su's look tame plastered to his face as he leaned casually against the wall. A click sounded through the air, pulling all eyes to Korben as his lips pursed tightly, parting only for a single word.
"Ford."
"Why, Dallas! My good man, so lovely to see you here. What brings you to this charming little tub?"
"Came to help the lady get it back." Dallas snorted. "From the gang of thieves that made off with it."
"Why Dallas, call me dumb, but would that be my acquaintances and I?"
"I would say so, friend."
With a dopey smile, Ford chuckled. "Friend? Oh Dallas, you silly sod. You haven't called me friend since I put that bullet in your leg." Korben's eyes narrowed, mouth twisting in a sort-of smile.
"And here I'd put that behind me. Now, tell me, friend, why did you take these lovely ladies' ship?"
"Oh, Major, I didn't know you cared..." Su growled with a smirk. A glare from Mari silenced her immediately. "Sorry, Cap. Instinct an' all..."
"Still insisting on saving the fairer sex, Dallas? When will you learn... this kind is made of stronger stuff than either of us." Ford winked at Su, eliciting a smirk from the girl. Korben grabbed his head, growling at the man's scattered line of reasoning.
"Ford! Focus. Ship. Why'd you take?!"
"Oh. Right, you are sir." Ford spun from the door, extending an arm down the hallway. "You are summoned to a meeting."
"Meeting?!"
Mari sighed, flicking the switch that silenced the voice announcing their impending doom, leaving the quiet ping and pop of the hull and the whisper of air as it creeped through the ship, only broken by the voices floating up to her from the mess.
"Well, you see, chaps-"
"Who you callin' a chap?!"
"Oh, sorry ma'am."
"Arthur, perhaps you should give me a whack at it, eh?"
"Will someone just please explain it to them?"
"UggggghhAaaaahhhh. Argh. ARGH."
"Ah, lovely! Zaphod's back to the party!"
Why? Why did Su's birthday's consistently result in chaos? Last year it was the stolen tiger that took them a full week to sell on the black market. Then the year they wound up traipsing through the Venutian sewers, Su determined to find the legendary underground cinemas. And Mari didn't even want to think about the year Su became the leader of a barbarian horde back on Earth. That had been a regular shit show. Plopping down next to Korben, she reached into her boot, taking a long pull off of her flask before passing it to the man beneath the table, winking as his curious eyes found her face. Turning back to the situation at hand, she focused on Su's tirade.
"...and finally, it's my birthday! Y'all should never drug a girl and steal her ship on her birthday."
"Well, she's has got a point there."
"Oh Arthur, do shut up. Nobody celebrates birthdays anymore!" Zaphod turned to the girl, frowns on both faces as they focused on her. "Look, girlie. I am sorry you're a year closer to dying, but we need your ship! See, some crazy old coot made off with ours and it's imperative we get it back. Besides, we haven't had naught to eat in hours."
"Or drink!" chipped in Zaphod's secondary head.
"It's my turn to apologize, but didn't you gang steal our ship from Kowloon?" Mari scoffed. "The restaurant?"
"Oh don't be silly, girl, they haven't served for free in ages."
"Why didn't we eat there, after all?"
"Shhh, Arthur, this is getting good!"
"Don't you call her girl, you two-headed freak!"
"Says the devotchka who thinks a fry pan is a weapon!"
"No, but really, it's a–"
"Why, I oughta...!"
Korben slammed the flask down on the table, interrupting Zaphod and Su's escalating bickering and calling the attention of the rest of those seated around the table. "Enough. Jesus. You people don't know when to shut the fuck up." He took another deep swallow of the liquor, tucking the metal back into Mari's hands. "Look. You need to find your ship. We want you off this one. Why don't you just take my goddamn boat and go out after Zarniwa-Zarniwe-Zarniwhatever who stole yours? You're happy, the ladies are happy, and my insurance covers the 'theft'. End of story." The group of brigands peered at each other, trying to calculate the next move through a complex and utterly confusing series of brow quirks, eye squints and lip twitches.
"No." Zaphod intoned darkly. Mari made a choking noise in her throat as she coughed roughly, pulling the flask from her lips and slamming it on the mess table.
"What do you mean, 'no'?" She cast a dark glance at the strange man, her hands curling into fists as he sat back in the chair, crossing his arms defiantly as one head looked away, and the other glared her down, extending it's tongue in her direction like a child.
"I don't take orders from you, girl. If I want your run-down waste of scrap metal, I'll take it." The room fell still, Su's quiet gasp the only sound as the assembled crew blinked silently, all eyes on Mari, who had grown very calm, her shoulders shaking as she braced herself on the table.
"Aw shit, now ya done it." Su hissed, backing away from the table as she watched Mari's hands ball into fists on the cool metal counter top.
"You can insult me." Mari whispered as she looked up at him, her long, blue ropes of hair falling in her eyes. "You can insult Su. But no one, NO ONE, insults my ship you... you..."
"Oh, a word game!" Ford trilled, clapping his hands. "Let's see, now? Frakking aardvark?"
"B'zugda hiara?" Trillian offered helpfully, earning a baleful glance from one of Zaphod's heads as it opened its mouth to speak.
"Gol-monging snitrag!" Ford countered, cutting him off and laughing as Mari reached for her guns. Zaphod had the good sense to look suitably concerned by this point as he helplessly tried to interject.
"Zarking fardwark?" This one from Arthur, blushing through his grin as Ford congratulated him and slapped him firmly on the back. Mari leveled two of her weapons at Zaphod's twin heads.
"Tell me no again, you liu kou shui de biao zi he hou zi de er zi." At her words, a loud beeping trilled from Zaphod's person, his eyes falling shut as the sound drew the attention of the assembled to his jacket pocket.
"Well, now you've gone and done it." he sighed as he reached in, pulling out a tiny, palm sized ship. Mari lowered the guns, staring dumbly at the small, beeping thing.
"What? Is? That?"
"Well, you see..." one of Zaphod's heads stammered, looking away sheepishly, "I may have found it best in our collective interests to, ehm, shrink the ship?"
"That's our ship? The Heart of Gold? No way!" Trillian snatched the miniature vehicle, turning it over in her hands with a wide smile. "It's so small!" A small wooshing noise escaped her lips as she zoomed it through the air like a toy.
"Yes, about that." Zaphod snatched it back, tossing it back and forth between his hands nervously. "The shrinking process had a verbal override. One that your clever word game found quite handily. In hindsight, probably not the most inspired idea, that. "
"Zarking fardwark. It was zarking fardwark, wasn't it?" Arthur moaned, his head falling into his hands mournfully. "Why do I always do these things?"
"No. I was actually quite clever about it." Zaphod had the gall to look offended, sniffing indignantly. "How was I to know that the garbled, pidgin nonsense these humans were always spouting would be so close to the ancient Grenordian tongue." He cast a particularly sour glance at Mari. "And my mother did not drool! Much." Across the table, Korben let out a low groan, snapping his fingers to gather their scattered attention.
"How long until it smokes us?" Zaphod's left head tilted to the side, contemplating Korben's question for a moment.
"With all the time we wasted, I'd say three more minutes. It was a pleasure knowing you lot. Well, most of you, anyhow." The assembled crew shared a moment of silence before a frenzied chaos broke out, shouts and shrieks vying for dominance as they contemplated exactly what would happen when a ship four times the size of the Genrou tried to appear inside it. Only Ford seemed delighted at the prospect of discovering first hand what that ride would be like.
"Everyone! Into the Hawk." Mari ordered.
"Cap'n." Su held up a finger in the chaos, trying to gain Mari's attention as the captain dragged Zaphod to his feet by his lapels, tossing him towards the hallway.
"They're not going to fit." Korben objected.
"Cap!"
"Not now, Su. You make them fit, Dallas!" Mari was pushing Trillian and Arthur after Zaphod while whistling for Laika, who had taken up residence on Ford's lap, tail thumping against the chair as the man told her stories of what would happen when they were all crushed and pushed out in the vacuum of space.
"And then, my dear, in... How much longer Zaphod?" Ford grinned.
"Two minutes."
"Lovely. In two minutes, the ship will explode, most likely grinding us into paste while..."
"Oh dear god, we're going to die." Arthur moaned, strangling his poor towel.
"OI!" Su jumped to her feet, stilling the nonsense as they all blinked her. With a calm the monks of ancient China would have envied, Su crawled over the table, snatching the ship from Zaphod's limp fingers and stalking off down the hallway. They all watched in stunned silence as she disappeared, the sound of flushing drifted into the mess as the beeping ceased, shortly followed by the reappearance of Su, who sat down quietly, peering around at her wide-eyed company. "What? As you were."
Mari was about to open her mouth to say something when Genrou lurched violently sideways, throwing them all into a heap on the floor as the sound of metal on metal echoed through the ship. All save for Su, who had enough foresight to brace herself. Mari groaned, opening her eyes to blink at the underside of the table, unsure if she should be more cross about the colorful collection of gum or the small collection of names scratched into it. She was contemplating the last time anyone named Starbuck had been on her ship, let alone under the mess table, when an unhappy groan sounded by her ear. Korben Dallas was measuring his length on the floor next to her as the rest of the gang crawled to their feet around them.
His eyes locked onto hers as he blinked a few times, mouth quirking into a lopsided smile. "Did she just... ?"
"Ah-yup." Mari snickered, covering her face in her hands to muffle her laughter as voices echoed through the ship to her ears. Trillian's shouted her delight as she spotted the Heart of Gold through the living room window, looming large over the Genrou. Mari peered through her fingers, watching as Korben rolled onto his stomach, propping himself over her on his elbows as he grinned down at her.
"Well, you did say exciting. You don't disappoint." She watched as his face inched closer to hers, eyes fluttering shut just as a pair of hands seized her around the ankles, sliding her out from under the table and pulling her to her feet before she could formulate a protest. She opened her eyes to find Ford smiling widely at her.
"So, it appears we are once again in possession of a ship." He smiled at Mari, patting her on the back soundly as she watched Korben crawl out from under the table. She turned her attention back to Ford, eyeing him carefully.
"Seems like."
"It also appears that we owe both of you an apology." Mari eyed Su, who was sitting primly in her chair, trying not to be smug and failing miserably.
"Again, seems like." Ford left Mari's side, falling to a knee before Su and taking her hand in his with a showy flourish, looking up at her theatrically as he implored her.
"My dear, however can I repay for not only saving us from a terrible, if delightfully exciting fate, but for utterly destroying the memorial of the day of your birth?" Su pondered the man for a moment before cracking into a wide grin.
"I want a sombrero."
"Consider it done!"
"And a taco!" Su clapped her hands in delight.
"But of course. Anything for you!"
"And an eeeeeegg rooooooll!"
So it was that they all found themselves tucked back into a booth at Kowloon, their party of two expanded to a party of seven as they all jammed together into the plush booth. Even Zaphod had come around, becoming much more pleasant upon the discovery that one of their android companions, a rather despondent thing by the name of Marvin, had been left behind and had taken up position as a valet, parking the endless stream of spaceships in the lot outside the restaurant, and had begrudgingly agreed to let the Betelgeusian drink all the gin he cared to on his tab.
"To not being dead!" Su cheered, raising her third coconut turned monkey high into the air, splashing both Ford and Arthur as she wriggled happily in her seat.
"So... cadet. How about a real tour of your ship?" Korben's smokey voice brushed against her ear as his arm slid across the top of the booth behind her. "Not that I didn't appreciate the action-packed version..."
Mari contemplated him over the rim of her bourbon, gently licking the taste from her lips. "I'm afraid not, Korben."
"No?" Dallas raised an eyebrow, eliciting a grin from Mari.
"I know, Major, it's not a word normally in your vocabulary, and I do hate to disappoint," she leaned in a little closer, voice lowering conspiratorially, "but let's face it – it'll always be better in my head."
Across the table Su squealed in delight as Ford dragged her and her coconut monkey from the table, hollering something about Betelgeusian death anthems and gazelle interrogation. As Su allowed herself to be tugged away, she toasted Mari. "BEST! BIRTHDAY! EVER!"
Music: 2 Drunk 2 Fuck – Elektrik Haze