Because you're just damage control

for a walking corpse like me - like you

-Rilo Kiley "Portions for Foxes"

Danni was wide awake to see dawn, not having slept the rest of the night not only so she wouldn't dream, but also, so she'd be awake if Daryl came back. He didn't. This wasn't fun anymore. Their relationship had progressed from the compelling, nerve-racking but delicious tension of tentative friendship to the destructive despair of caring too much. Danni never meant for it to go this far. She doubted her interpretation of the Strength card. She wanted to trust the message, but it was almost impossible as her emotions flooded her, drowning her common sense. What was I thinking? I'm no good at this stuff. Nana Brigid was wrong. Gift? Bullshit, if she had anything it was a curse; a curse that did nothing but guarantee vulnerability. Her raw emotions taunted her, daring her to do something stupid to numb her pain. For now She shoved clothes into her black canvas duffel bag with angry force. She was ready to move on. Again.

It was almost time for the group to move out. She changed into her black jeans and a fitting well worn, white Black Flag t-shirt. She pulled her boots on trying not to think of Daryl. Part of her believed he'd show up at the last-minute. She shook her head. Time to accept that she'd been wrong about him. He'd played her like any man would have and she let him. He got what he wanted; hell, she handed herself over to him last night. He hadn't merely scratched her, he'd delivered a fatal wound.

She noticed something silver under the van's front seat. She crawled forward, reaching under to find her iPod. She hadn't seen it since the first day she'd been alone on the highway. Before ..." It lit up when she pressed the center, shocking her that it still had power. She put the ear buds in and the last song she'd listened to "Crazy Blues" continued to play from where she'd stopped it.

He makes me feel so blue

I don't know what to do

Sometimes I sit and sigh

And then begin to cry

'Cause my best friend

Said his last goodbye

Now I can read his letters

I sure can't read his mind

I thought he's lovin' me

He's leavin' all the time

Now I see my poor love was blind

She guessed she wasn't even worth a goodbye.

She ripped the ear buds out and threw the iPod as hard as she could to watch it smash against the nearest tree.

"Hate to know what that tree did to you," Shane commented as he and Rick approached.

"Yeah, you would." She answered not in the mood to joke around.

"Any luck with Daryl last night?" Rick asked her as she was shutting the doors on the van. "I haven't seen him this morning and he hasn't packed anything. His tent's still up." Rick looked so natural in his tan, regulation issue sheriffs uniform by this time that she felt he'd look more out-of-place without it.

"I didn't find him. He's probably out hunting." She lied.

"Well, we tried." Rick sighed. He couldn't worry about one person when he had a group to protect.

"What are all those red marks on your neck?" Shane asked. "You sure you didn't find that good for nothing prick. Looks like he might have tried to throttle you or something."

Danni bristled. "No, I ran into some branches while I searched around for him. Didn't see, walked right into them." She knew she sounded too defensive.

"All right, all right, just looking out for you is all." Shane's words made her feel lonelier than she had in a long time.

"No need." She smiled weakly. You're the wrong guy.

... ... ... ... ... .. .. ... .

Within the hour, Rick directed everyone to drive their vehicles to the top of the access road that led out to the highway. He'd given them all his last instructions. He and Shane studied the map one final time with Dale. Danni caught Andrea glaring at her. That's all I need now.

The rest of the group nervously waited for the journey to begin.

Sophia approached Danni as she leaned back against the van. She was happy to see the child and to stop thinking about Andrea, Daryl, any of it.

"Hey, bug, what's up?" Danni asked.

Sophia was quiet. Finally, she spoke. "Danni, is it okay that I'm not sad about my daddy being gone."

"Totally okay."

She looked relieved.

"He wasn't always so nice to your mom and you was he?"

She shook her head.

"Mine wasn't either. I'm glad he's gone."

"Really?"

Danni crouched down. "Yes. I had a bunch of bad dads."

Sophia took a deep breath and nodded, almost too seriously for a girl her age.

"Bug, it's okay to feel anything as long as its true. Whatever you feel is yours, no one can take it away from you or tell you its wrong. Okay?" She tenderly pushed the hair back from Sophia's eyes. "Trust yourself Tara."

"Who's Tara?" Sophia asked.

"What?"

"You just called me Tara."

"I did? Oh, just someone I used to know. You remind me of her, I guess." Danni said quickly. Hold fast Tara. She blinked rapidly, keeping tears back.

Sophia then asked, "Is Daryl your boyfriend?"

"Why would you think that?"

"He kind of acts like it."

Danni gave a pained smile. "No, he's not. Why?"

"My mom says he's gone. He's not coming with us and that you'll be sad about it. I don't want you to be sad."

"You're coming, right?"

She nodded again.

"Then how could I be sad?"

Danni picked Sophia up in a hug and spun around until the little girl laughed.

A few feet away, Shane watched Rick and Lori talking before getting into Carol's Cherokee wagon. Their bodies were close, the conversation intimate. When she kissed him and held him tightly, Shane felt the bile rise, feeling jealous, right or wrong. He couldn't stop staring, feeling more angry and alone each time he saw them together, especially when she smiled. After everything he did for Lori and Carl, her rejection infuriated and tore at his heart. What they did, what they had, meant nothing to her. Woman's rubbing my face it.

Finally, the vehicles moved out single file. The RV took the lead, Dale insisted; Glenn rode beside him with the map and Andrea in back. The Cherokee followed with the families. Rick's along with Carol and Sophia. T-Dog drove his Church group's minivan, the one he'd arrived in, followed by Danni with Shane bringing up the rear in his jeep. They looked to Rick for direction because they could.

Danni stared at her knuckles as they gripped the steering wheel. She read the letters tattooed on them in a thick script. "Hold" on her right hand, "Fast" on her left. She'd had the words inked there to forever remind her to do just that. I'm trying so hard, but I think I might be falling apart.

She hadn't been driving long, when the engine started to rattle loudly. "Not now!" she almost cried. Smoke began to pour from under the hood. She pulled over into the breakdown lane, and got out but didn't open the hood or attempt to figure out what was wrong. Hayes took care of the van. She never did anything to it but change a tire. This was more than a flat tire. She started kicking the dirty, white side panel.

"Stupid piece of shit!" She yelled, putting more dents into the vehicle with her foot. "I give up!" She shouted to the universe. She opened the passenger door and pulled the tequila from her bag.

She took a swig from the bottle.

Shane was driving up behind her. He saw her angrily kick her van and swing a bottle of tequila. He figured she also cussed up a storm. Quite a site.

He contacted Rick on the walkie-talkie to let him know about the engine trouble, that he had it covered and they'd catch up.

"Who's winning?" Shane asked slowly walking toward her.

She ignored him.

"Might as well put your stuff in my jeep. That old thing's dead on the road."

She sighed knowing he was right. What else can I lose?

The side door creaked with rust when she pulled it open. She looked at the stenciled letters spray painted white on the black instrument cases and amplifiers she couldn't bring with her: "Drunken Angel." The band had been her existence for the past three years. What would she be if she weren't the singer for Drunken Angel anymore?

"It's just stuff." Shane noticed her hesitation. "Best travel light from now on." She hated that he used Daryl's words.

As she settled into his passenger seat, she sipped from the bottle.

"Pass that over."

"Drinking and driving officer?"

"Gonna report me?"

They sat for a couple of minutes in silence, drinking, feeling dispossessed and brooding on their own respective emptiness.

He glanced over, noticing her black bra under the tight threadbare t-shirt.

When he put his hand on her thigh, the alcohol and pain of Daryl's rejection dulled her instinct to belt him across the face She knew exactly what Shane wanted. Yesterday she would have pulled her knife on him, but today she didn't even push his hand away. He moved it further down, between her legs, fingering her crotch over her pants.

He was over confident and had an alpha male way of exerting complete control over the situation. She knew his type. She couldn't care anymore.

She took another drink as he steadily rubbed her between her legs with the palm of his hand.

Fuck Lori. He thought. He remembered her kissing Rick; holding him. Ungrateful woman.

He pulled his seat back as far as it would go. "Come here, girl." He drawled thickly, ordering her to straddle him.

Her mind felt numb. She got on his lap, facing him. He forcefully pushed up her shirt and bra and moved his hands roughly over her breasts. She grasped his solid shoulders to steady herself.

She felt him growing hard beneath her.

This ain't you. She ignored Daryl's voice in her head.

Shane focused intently on kissing her, holding the sides of her face tightly, keeping it right where he wanted it. He grabbed a handful of her hair, winding his fingers around in it and tugging. He yanked her head back and somehow, just by the way he touched her, he made Danni's mouth open to take his tongue. He made her eyes close, made her breathe faster and faster until she felt so dizzy she thought she might black out. She didn't want him, but when he slowly ran his thumbs over her nipples with increasing pressure, she caught her breath and started to grind against him.

"That's it, baby, just like that." He encouraged voice low, breath hot on her neck. "Right there, move yourself. Feels real good don't it?"

Her body responded whether her mind wanted it to or not.

When he touched the swallows, she tensed, thinking of Daryl. Shane didn't ask, he just grabbed her hips and pulled her down harder on his throbbing groin. He unbuckled her belt. Why wasn't she stopping him? He opened her jeans and slid his hand down the front of her panties. He gave a low, throaty chuckle when he felt her wetness.

You're the prettiest goddamned girl I ever seen. Daryl's voice echoed in her head.

"I can't do this." She pulled her mouth from his.

"Sure you can darlin'," He rasped. "Doin just fine." He forced her head back clutching her hair with one hand, working her clit with the other while roughly licking her neck. She could not stop the noise that rose in her throat from escaping as she began to dissolve into his hand. While he teased the root of her clit with two fingertips, her hips rotated in appreciation. He reached lower to softly rub directly over her pulsing bundle of nerves. She gasped "Don't!"

She pushed his hand away stopping him before she came. She tried to move off him, but his grip on her hair was strong. She twisted away from him.

"Don't do this to me girl" Shane growled angrily. They struggled in the small space between the steering wheel and seat. Finally he shoved her aside, angrily exiting the jeep.

He stalked around to her. "What the hell are you playin' at?"

"Don't put this on me!" She hated herself. Her own body had betrayed her.

"Well look at you, walking around, dressed like that." He gestured to her. "Girl, your pants are so low girl it's like you're having an open house for your pussy every day. Come on in and look around, maybe try it out. You're a fuckin' tease is what you are."

"You did not just say that! What fucking decade are you living in man?"

She was angrier at herself than at Shane. It didn't matter that she'd never see Daryl again. That whole thing had been wrong. Totally wrong.

She got out of the jeep and adjusted her clothing. "Don't blame me. You started it!"

"You wanted it." He shot back. "You can't tell me you didn't. That'd be a damn lie."

She doubled over as if she'd been hit. Her insides crumpled like paper as her entire being ached, knowing Daryl was lost to her forever. He was the only one she wanted. Falling tears hit the dirt at her feet. She'd never felt so empty.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"You done good little brother. Was getting worried you hadn't been listening to me all them years I spent tryin' to make a man of you."

"Merle?" Daryl opened his eyes, shocked to see his brother sitting on the ground beside him. He squinted in the morning sun and sat up. "Hell, you doin' here? Where you been?"

"You took good care of little queenie last night. Made her come then made her cry. Couldn't have done a better job myself. Didn't think it'd be so easy for you, being the sweet one and all, but you learned from the best." He laughed.

"How'd you know about that?" Daryl asked defensively "You spying on me or something?"

He boxed his younger brother's ears.

"Hell, I'm proud of you boy. You fucked her real good, then you was outta there faster than a jack rabbit on moonshine. No muss, no fuss."

"She was crying?"

"Don't worry yourself none about that. All bitches do."

"Bullshit, Danni don't cry."

"You callin' me a liar? I know what I saw. Good thing too that stuck up cunt needed to have her ass knocked down a few pegs."

"Shut up." Daryl was getting angry.

"What have I always said? Women are like tiles: you lay 'em right the first time, they let you walk all over 'em for life. She ain't no different."

Daryl got up.

"Where are you goin'?'" Merle asked.

He didn't answer.

"If you're thinking of looking for her, don't bother. She took off with the rest of them pansy asses, immigrants and Democrats. She's gone."

Daryl ignored him. Gone. The word sucker punched him.

"You her bitch now?"

"I ain't nobody's bitch."

"They just scraped you off their heels like you was dog shit, little brother. You're nothing but a freak to them; redneck trash is all you are. They're laughing at you behind their backs. She's laughing at you."

Daryl turned back to Merle. "No, she ain't."

"Believe what you want, but now it's just you and me again. Like its 'sposed to be." Merle walked up to Daryl, leaning his face in close. "They ain't your kin, your blood."

Daryl tried to turn away, but Merle grabbed his shoulder. "Now you listen here, ain't nobody gonna care about you except me, little brother, ain't nobody ever will."

Gone.

"You did right with that little piece of trash. "

"Shut up 'bout her."

Merle just laughed.

"Liked it better when you was missing." Daryl shot back.

"Don't look be like that. I'm on your side."

"Yeah, Since when?"

"Hell, Since the day you was born baby brother. Someone had to take care of your worthless ass."

"You never took care of me. Talked a big game but you was never there."

"And you think some worthless little piece of pussy is gonna be there for you? That what you think? Then why'd she leave with the rest of 'em?"

"You best shut the hell up."

"Or what, you gonna shut my mouth for me? Do it! If you think you're man enough!"

Daryl awoke with a start. It was daylight, late morning he surmised from the sun above him. If you think you're man enough.

"Fuck you Merle."

He laid on his back beside a large boulder at the edge of the tree line on the far side of the quarry. Falling asleep out here last night was stupid and careless. Unlike him. Stupid. These woods could be crawling with Walkers. Relief shot through when he felt his crossbow beside him on the ground and buck knife in its holster hanging at his waist.

He hated to think about her crying. Was Merle right? Fuckin' dream. That's all it was. He didn't want to believe he'd treated her like Merle would have. That's what he'd been running from all his life. He knew he didn't fit with Rick's group, but neither did Danni. They'd have done fine, just the two of them, but she changed her mind. It wasn't his fault. She had her chance. She could have come after him last night. She didn't bother looking for him this morning either. She knew what she started with him, just didn't want to finish. This is all her fault. Blaming her didn't make him feel better.

He couldn't find the words to describe his experience last night with her. All he knew was that he'd never felt that right before. He couldn't handle the fact that he wanted the sensation again. It wasn't just the sex, it was the way she was with him. She knew how to be with him, what to do for him, what he needed. She took care of him; made him feel worth something. That kind of treatment troubled him because deep down he liked it. Hell, he was supposed to be a man, not a pussy whipped bitch. But in the end, she didn't come after him. She saw through him to his worthless core.

His conflicts attacked him with full force and controlled the dialogue in his head.

Merle was right about being the only one his life. When he was around. He guessed he'd been lonesome, but it was what he knew. How was he supposed to change now? He couldnt have let her in, he'd just let her down. Besides, if she had gotten to know him for real, she'd be disgusted. He winced. He couldn't give her what she wanted or needed. That's why he left her last night. It was pointless thinking about all this. She was gone. Probably at the CDC already. He had treated her like shit, now he was getting what he deserved. End of story. "Stop being such a pussy." He ordered himself aloud.

He looked around, to make sure he was alone. No sign of Walkers. He journeyed back to the deserted camp. His tent and truck were the only signs anyone had ever been there. Being out in the woods alone was second nature to him. He began to take stock of what supplies he had.

... .. .. .. .. ... .. .. ... .. .. .. .

They drove in uncomfortable silence. Finally, Danni had to say something. "Shane, I didn't mean to lead you on."

"Forget it. Guess we're both just lonely." He summed up then added, "Sorry I cussed you out back there, but you can't just leave a man in that state... know what I'm sayin? That there's just cruel, girl. "

"Spare me." She rolled her eyes. "If you need to pull over and take care of it, be my guest."

He glanced over, one eyebrow raised.

"I am not giving you a blowjob."

He shook his head, and with an exhausted chuckle said, "You're something else you know that?"

"So, I've heard."

Shane's jeep met up with the rest of the vehicles about ten minutes later. They were all stopped behind the RV.

"What took you two so long? "Rick looked worried.

"Danni had worse engine trouble than we thought," Shane answered quickly. "What's going on here. It doesn't look right."

"Dale has his own mechanical issues." Rick motioned to the right and Danni saw the grill of the RV propped against the front wheel. However, no one was working on it.

Rick noticed their questioning glances and added "We've got a bigger problem than that now. Andrea's missing."

"How the hell is she missing?" Shane asked. "What the hell happened Rick?"

"She had words with Dale. Something about Amy I'm sure. She took off running into the woods. I searched for over an hour. Glenn and T-Dog are out there now. Dale too."

"Jesus Rick, the odds she's still alive are..."

"Favorable. They have to be."

"You can't seriously..."

Danni left the two men to their argument. She may have issues with Andrea, but she didn't wish her any harm. She grabbed her duffel bag and train case from the back of Shane's jeep and hauled it to the RV. She found a place in the back to store her stuff. She sat on the padded bench in front of the windows across from the dining table, alone with her feelings of self-loathing over what had happened with Shane. Sure, she'd been drinking, but she had enough awareness to have stopped him the minute he put a hand on her. She'd only hurt and degraded herself trying to numb her pain over Daryl. She'd been getting better about not resorting to such impulsive, unhealthy behaviors. She felt like she'd taken a hundred steps backward in one morning.

Sophia hopped up the stairs into the RV.

"Danni, I thought you got lost!"

"No bug, just had some car trouble."

"You can ride with us now?"

Danni nodded.

"You're sad," Sophia said.

"A little, yeah."

"About Daryl?"

"Yeah. I am." She could admit it to an eight-year-old easier than to herself. It felt good to say it out loud. "He 's making me really sad now."

"It's okay to cry you know," Sophia stated with authority.

"How can I cry with a cool kid like you around?" She squeezed the girl's hand and Sophia giggled. "Let's go beat Carl at a game of War, huh? Grab the cards."

... ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .

A full day had passed and there was so sign of Andrea. They had been searching in two groups, alternating. A few Walkers crossed their path, but no herds. Rick knew that would change. On evening of the second day, he regretfully explained that they had to move out the following morning. He couldn't risk their safety any longer by staying out here on the road. Additionally, sleeping in the RV and cars was uncomfortable as well as dangerous. They had to continue to the CDC.

Later that night, Danni awoke from a restless sleep with the compulsion to look for Andrea. She got up and put her boots on. She had her trench knife in one back pocket and mag flashlight in the other. She exited the RV quietly without disturbing anyone else. Rick was keeping watch on top of the vehicle, but with her flashlight off, she was able to slip quietly into the woods at the front of the Winnebago, out of Rick's line of sight.

Maybe it was time to move on, but Danni wanted one more chance to look for Andrea. She needed to do this after what had happened to Amy. Besides, she had a feeling. Something was driving her to go out into the woods tonight. She followed her instinct and headed through the brush, keeping the flashlight beam ahead of her feet.

... .. .. .. .. ... .. ... ... ..

Daryl sat in front of a small-scale fire roasting some squirrel.

He gazed up at the sky looking for stars. This time of year, he could usually make out the Bear Hunter constellation and sometimes his two hounds. Nothing. He remembered one of the first days in the old camp, he'd overheard Danni telling Glenn she was a vegetarian or some fool thing like that. When she had said even a squirrel deserved life, he interrupted them saying squirrels were nothing more than lowlife rats that can climb, starting one of their arguments. After a day or two of going hungry, she ate squirrel every time he brought it back. He said 'I told you so'; she kicked dirt at him. That was Danni, she did what she had to in order to survive even if she didn't like it much. Without bitching, but still giving him shit.

He pushed her from his mind. Again. He had moved further north into the woods. His plan was to head up into the mountains. Walkers wouldn't get that far anytime soon; if ever.

He heard something in the brush.

He studied the sound of the twig's snap and the rustle of leaves. The noises came from the other side of a nearby cluster of bushes. He stood and picked up his weapon, moving silently toward the sound. He surmised that the footsteps had the ground pressure of a human or a Walker. He was betting on a human by the smooth pace it was keeping. The moon provided his light through the trees. He raised his crossbow, ready, as he rounded the bushes.

He stopped short. "The hell, you doin' out here alone at night?"