Won't you tell me what you're thinking of?
Would you be an outlaw for my love?
If it's so, well, let me know, if it's no, well I can go
I won't make you
-Big Star "Thirteen"
Her intuition seemed to have let her down again. Danni was sick of these psychic beatings. She had a curse,not a gift. Her place was on a dirty, beer-soaked stage, in a dark, noisy club, her bass guitar on her hip, mic at her mouth and audience at her waist. Instead, she was wandering the woods in the middle of God knows where, sticky, grimy and exhausted. She hated trees, she hated mosquitos and she hated that everything was going to shit. What was she thinking? Was she suddenly going to become Lara Croft and rescue Andrea from a herd of Walkers, save the day, be a hero? It wouldn't bring Amy back. It wouldn't bring Tara back. She sank down to the ground, her back against the trunk of a Georgia pine, and looked up into the clear night sky full of stars. She made out the constellation Bootes, the bear hunter. Nana Brigid referred to it as Fionn mac Cumhaill the mythical hunter-warrior in Irish mythology. Sitting on the back porch, in summer Nan would point to the stars above and tell her favorite story about Fionn and his true love, Sadhbh. She heard Brigid's lilting brogue pronouncing the beautiful woman's name Sive, then she heard her Nana almost singing the words to the fable:
Fionn along with his twin wolfhounds, Sceolan and Bran, were out hunting when they came across a young deer and gave chase. Much to their surprise, the deer was very fast of foot and almost outran them. Fionn, himself, was getting tired and was ready to turn back when Bran and Sceolan gave a bark. As Finn drew close to the dogs, he saw that the deer had stopped and was sitting quietly. The dogs were laying beside her, resting their heads on her soft hide.
Finn looked on with amazement. Bran and Sceolan were the best hunters ever seen, but now they protected the deer! Fionn decided to bring the deer back to Almú his castle and protect it, for surely, there was something special about this creature. When Bran and Sceolan rose and followed Fionn, so did the deer. When they arrived at the castle, Finn gave orders that the deer was to be left alone and kept safe within the fortress walls.
That night, Fionn was suddenly awakened by a soft noise. He saw a beautiful woman walking towards him. She wore a long white robe that flowed about her as she moved.
She said, "Finn, do not be afraid. I am Sadhbh, the deer you rescued today. Now, you see me in my true form. I had been under the charm of the Dark Druid. He put the form of a deer on me because I would not let him have his way with me. I am grateful to you for bringing me here, for the Dark Druid's magic cannot reach me as long as I am inside your palace walls."
Well, it wasn't long before Fionn and Sadhbh married, for Sadhbh was as kind as she was beautiful. Still, she would not go outside the palace walls, for she feared the Dark Druid. So Finn and Sadhbh stayed a whole year together, inside the walls.
Then they heard reports that invaders had been seen on Ireland's shores. Fionn knew he must go and fight them to protect his homeland. He was sad to leave, for he would miss Sadhbh, and she was also expecting a baby. So Finn promised that he would come back as soon as he could, and Sadhbh said she would watch for him from the castle walls.
The battle went on for a week. When it was over and the invaders were sent back out of Ireland, Finn hurried home. He could think of nothing but seeing Sadhbh again. How happy he would be when he arrived!
But when he came close to the fortress, he did not see Sadhbh watching for him. The palace was very quiet. Where were all the hustling, bustling people? What was wrong? Fionn was very frightened.
"Where is my wife?" he cried out. "Where is Sadhbh?"
Finally, one of the servants answered Finn.
"It was on the fourth day after you left," the servant said. "Sadhbh was standing on the palace walls awaiting your return. We all saw you walking up to the walls with Bran and Sceolan. We thought it strange that you did not enter the gates, but we thought perhaps you and Sadhbh had planned something special for your return. When she went out to greet you, we thought nothing of it. Suddenly, the man who looked like you took out from his robe a hazel wand and touched her. She cried out and changed back into the deer she had been. She then followed him as if her feet had a mind of their own. Whenever, she tried to turn back, the dogs disguised to look like Bran and Sceolan, cruelly nipped at her heels. By the time our men could arm themselves and go after her, they were gone."
Fionn raged and cried, for he knew that the Dark Druid had taken Sadhbh away. Immediately, he set out to find her and bring her home. He roamed the countryside for seven years but could not find Sadhbh. His heart grew heavier and heavier.
One day, Finn went out hunting, for he needed to take his mind off missing Sadhbh so much. In a clearing, sitting in the sun, was a boy of about seven years. Bran and Sceolan whined and licked the boy, although the lad seemed wild. The dogs protected the boy and remembering how the dogs had protected Sadhbh, Fionn knew this boy must be his son. He recognized in the boy's face some of Sadhbh's features and was certain he was looking at their child. He named the boy Oisín and over time he became as famous as his father is in Irish mythology.
Danni used to cry when the Dark Druid turned Sadhbh back into a deer because she knew Fionn would never find her again. She'd loved this story, knew it by heart. She smiled now, remembering how real all her Nan's fables seemed. It was simple back then; she and Tara listening to Nana describe a world full of magic and luck. When Brigid died, that magic died with her. Mom brought home the first of the men soon after and life was anything but lucky.
... ... ... .. .. .. ... .. ...
Andrea screamed when Daryl appeared out of nowhere aiming his crossbow at her head, its flashlight blinding her.
He repeated, "Hell are you doin' out here? Why ain't you with Rick and them?"
"Which way is the road?" She answered him with her own question.
"Why?"
"Because I'm lost Einstein and I need to get back to the rest of the group parked on the damn road. "
"Why should I help you?" He remembered her treatment of Danni the other day.
Andrea stood hands, on her hips. "Help me, don't help me, I don't care. Just point me to the highway."
Daryl winced. "Hey, calm down. I'll take ya back. They all waiting on you?" Danni too?
"They should be."
He looked up at the moon and figured out their direction. The road was East.
"C'mon, This way."
"After they walked a bit, he said, "You still didn't answer my question."
"I'm lost, okay."
"I figured that."
"Then why did you ask?"
He shrugged. "What dumb ass thing did you do to get yourself so lost?"
"You are really rude, you know that."
When Daryl and Andrea emerged from the woods, he hung back but was noticed by Shane. "Thought we were rid of you."
"I'll be outa' your way in a minute. Just bringing back your lost puppy is all."
Dale was the first to embrace Andrea. He nodded at Daryl, not surprised at all to see him.
Hearing Shane's comment, Rick added, "You don't have to leave you know."
"Just came to bring her back."
There was no sign of Danni. Probably sleeping. On the return trip with Andrea, Daryl decided to face Danni, but his courage had all but left once they reached the road. He could get back out to the woods without her even knowing he'd been here. He walked over to the front of the Rv and sat on its step. If she didn't show up in the next minute or two, he'd leave. It was best.
"You're back." Sophia was in the doorway behind him.
"Shouldn't you be asleep or something kid?" He stood up so she could descend a couple of steps.
"Will you be Danni's boyfriend?"
Sophia's question caught him off guard. He looked at her blankly. "What?"
"I think you should be."
"Why's that?
"Because then you can't leave her anymore. She was so sad when you left. I don't want her to be sad. "
"Me neither." He said with gentle gruffness.
"You should probably marry her."
"Nah." He said. "I never seen any married people stay together. Have you?"
The little girl shrugged, then asked "Well, aren't you at least going to go find her?"
"What do you mean find her?"
"She's out looking for Andrea."
"Now?"
She nodded. "Still. She's not back yet, I've been waiting."
"Yeah, I'm going to git her." Before he left, he turned back. "Did you see which way she went?"
Sophia pointed to spot where Danni entered the woods. When she smiled at him, he added, "Kid, get to bed. G'wan."
Daryl walked back over to the group surrounding Andrea. "Sorry to bust up the party, but which one of you assholes let Danni go out there alone?"
"What are you talking about?' Rick asked
"Notice she ain't here? Cause she ain't. She's out in them woods alone in the middle of the night. Hell is wrong with you people?"
"He's right." Glenn validated Daryl. "She's not in the RV."
Daryl turned and headed for the trees where Sophia had pointed. "Never should have left her alone with y'all."
First Merle, now Danni. These people out to get me or what?
Rick followed him.
"Daryl wait. If she went, she didn't tell anyone. I'd never let her have gone on her own."
That sounds like her. "Whatever."
"Shane and I'll help you, give us a minute."
"You can't track for shit. Besides, I'm better on my own."
Something in Daryl's tone stopped Rick from pressing further.
"Okay. We'll be here." Rick agreed. "We'll wait for you both."
"Don't bother."
"I said we'll wait."
Daryl looked at Rick with begrudging respect. He had gone back to find Merle, tried to do right by him. He nodded. "I'll bring her back."
Daryl actually preferred tracking at night to full sun. Less, but more focused light was sometimes better. He held his flashlight at a low angle to the ground, looking for shadows on any track in his path. He spotted the depression made by the toe of her boot, when she pushed off to take the next step. He knew the pattern of the sole; it was hers. He followed her repeating toe digs. She went to the right. When he couldn't make out actual prints, he looked for indications of her footsteps like flattening of the small pebbles and pieces of vegetation in front of him and disturbances of larger rocks in the path. He saw it all in the reflective beam of his flashlight.
Shine, it was called. He'd circle an area, looking at it from different angles, to spot shine. Once he did, he followed and started listening.
He rounded a tree and saw her bandana on the ground. He crouched to retrieve it observing some sort of dust-up in the trail. The pebbles were scattered and the brush out-of-place. Another set of prints covered the last of hers that he could make out.
"What'd you get yourself into?" He asked aloud.
He continued with difficulty, the trail was not yielding much; it was too corrupted. When he noticed he was almost near his camp, he considered waiting until the morning after all but pushed on a little further. Finally, saw Danni hunched over the fallen body of a dead Walker, a second stinking corpse a few steps away. Her back was to him. He went cold. Was she one of those things now?
He approached slowly not wanting to startle her. If he had to kill her, he needed to do it fast, without a physical struggle that could weaken his resolve. He took a deep breath. He was about a foot behind her when she sprung up and lunged at him, aiming her knife at his head believing he was another Walker in need of skull crushing.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" He grabbed her arm, the one with the knife and pulled it down away from his head. "It's me!"
She thought she was hallucinating. She didn't believe Daryl was real. Even his grip on her wrist felt like a dream.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, not expecting an answer but for the vision to disappear. She yanked her hand back.
"My other plans fell through." His voice retained its smart ass tone, giving no hint of the relief he felt at that moment.
Her stomach dropped. It was him.
She turned and started walking away.
"Where you going?"
She kept walking. "You are not doing this to me again!"
"Hold up!" He yelled after her.
She ignored him and walked faster. "You think you can just come back like nothing happened?"
"Danni, come on!"
"No! You can't do this. I won't let you."
"Stop already!"
She did, but when he reached her, she refused to face him.
He put his hands on her shoulders. "Been looking for you half the night." His grip started the hot flow of tears.
"You shouldn't see me now."
"Why the hell not?" he walked around in front of her, shocked to find her crying. He'd never seen her like that.
"Because I won't cry in front of you."
"You kinda already are..."
She took a swing at him. He let her hit him hard across the face.
"Feel good?' He asked.
She nodded.
"Do it again."
She did. He didn't flinch; he took the pain.
"Push me."
She shook her head.
"I said push me!" He started toward her. "C'mon!"
She shoved him, then while he was still bent over tackled his solid form. They fell together, hitting the ground hard, rolling over in the dirt. She rained punches down on his chest and arms. He lay beneath her and let her exhaust herself. She cried harder. "You left me! You just left me there. You goddamned son of a bitch!"
She crawled, then stumbled away from him blinded by tears. She was ashamed of crying and of what she was saying. She'd shown him enough weakness.
He pulled himself up and brushed the dirt off his pants. He recognized abandonment in her voice and was ashamed to have caused it another person. Especially her.
"What the hell was that anyway?" She choked the question out, trying to deflect his attention from what she'd been saying. "Your mouth is bleeding you know."
"Looks like I messed with the wrong girl."
"You're not funny."
"Not trying to be."
They mirrored the other's self-protective poses, arms crossed tightly across their chests, avoiding each other's gaze.
"You know you wanted to beat my ass. Felt good didn't it?" He paused. "Shit, I deserved it. Shouldn't have left you like that." He went on. "Told you I'm no good at this."
"Sex ruins friendships." She stated, taking a few deep breaths. "I knew that but I let it happen. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry it went this far."
He surprised her when he said, "I'm not."
"No?"
"Look, I never, felt anything like that before all right? I never...no girl..." He didn't want to admit she was his first. Not yet. He began gnawing on the skin around his thumbnail. "Shit, it's coming out wrong." After a brief silence, he added, "We let it happen. I was there too and I ain't sorry."
The moonlight gave everything a shadowy, silver gleam. He looked at her dirt and tear streaked her face He noticed how her hair hung, framing her face in two, tangled, messy braids and how she kept pushing her bangs out of her eyes. She had on her yellow tigers shirt that she'd worn in Atlanta.
"You..." she hesitated.
"Go on, let me have it." He braced himself.
"You didn't say goodbye." She sounded like a little girl, like Sophia.
He looked at the ground, then back into her eyes. "I'm here now. If you want me to be."
Danni shivered, her teeth chattering involuntarily, overwhelmed with longing and fear. Sometimes his eyes were too intense for her.
"Yeah, I want you." Her voice broke and she let him pull her close. He felt awkward, stiff at first, but when he felt her trembling, his instinct to keep her safe, overrode his nerves. The embrace began to feel natural. Merle was wrong about her. He was starting to think Merle was wrong about a lot of things.
She buried her face in his chest,
"But if you think were gonna be Bonnie and Clyde playin' house you got the wrong idea." He warned her.
"That's exactly what I'm thinking."
She knew that he was apologizing in his own way. After a few seconds, the heat and pressure of her body against his made him want her the way he had wanted her the other night. He mumbled into her ear. "Think we got time to, you know..." he asked with the anticipatory tone of an unsure teenager.
"Here?"
He shrugged. "Got a camp set up just a ways back."
"Walkers." She had nearly lost her life no more than ten minutes ago and he was thinking of sex? Men, even Daryl.
"We ain't gonna have much more time alone." He said as she hesitated.
"No?" She knew he was coming back with the group.
He traced the sparrows, sliding his fingers gently, teasingly under her belt. "C'mon" his voice was gravel against her neck. She felt weak. His hands on her felt right like she was home.
"So this is how its gonna be now, huh?" She pressed into his thigh. "Okay, Clyde. Let's go."
Once they reached his tent, he became hesitant. The bravado and adrenaline rush of their reunion had dissipated and he started to over think. I have her here, now what? He didn't want her to do everything again, like last time.
"I missed you." She said. Shane flashed in her mind, making her cringe. "Really, really missed you."
As she kissed the back of his neck, she slipped her hands under his shirt to explore his muscular back, but he resisted and pulled her hands back down, out from under the flannel. He turned toward her to protect something behind him.
"Hey." She murmured knowingly. She pulled her own shirt off over her head and turned to offer her own faded, reddish-brown scars. They slashed across her spinebut were surrounded by tattoos of cherry blossoms and branches, like an intricate antique frame. Not nearly as many as he had, but enough. Enough to know he could trust her.
This time, when she faced him, he didn't stop her fingers from opening the buttons of his shirt and pushing it off over his shoulders. She was slowly gliding her hands over the marks of his shame while softly rocking her pelvis against his. She removed her bra and rubbed herself over his bare chest.
"We're still here. They didn't break us." She said and bit his shoulder softly.
She was doing it again, knowing what he needed.
"Yeah, we're still here."
He gripped her shoulders and pushed her to her knees, then laid her back beneath him. He unbuckled her belt and opened her jeans pulling them down enough for him to put his mouth on her hip bones. He didn't hesitate now; he gently licked the birds. When he started to softly bite them, she moved her hands to his head, and ran her fingers through his hair. He began lapping at her navel, tonguing the silver bar and sparkling rubies.
"Don't stop, okay, just don't stop." She hiccupped the words and a soft, breathy moan escaped her.
He felt a surge of confidence. "Like that, huh?" He looked up for a second.
She whimpered, pushing his head back down. The sound of desperation in her voice coupled with the feel of her pelvis undulating under his mouth made his own erection almost unbearable. He moved up her body, still exploring, tasting her, licking the taut, smooth skin of her abdomen until he reached her breasts. He ran his tongue around her right nipple hesitantly, waiting for her reaction. When she bucked up against him feeling antagonizing pleasure, he moved to her left nipple taking it softly between his teeth. He pushed her arms back overhead holding her down. She writhed under him while he repeatedly worked his tongue over her breast concentrating on the nipple. He couldn't wait to be inside her any longer. He was painfully hard now and tried to control his breathing. He squeezed his eyes shut.
He tugged her jeans down over her thighs.
As if reading his mind, she opened his pants. He felt her delicate fingers unzipping and bringing him out, flesh on flesh. Suddenly the incessant pressure he felt stopped.
He handed her the condom, wanting her to put it on and massage it over his length the way she had before. After she had worked it down he let her hand take him into her moist heat. When he again felt her tightness around him, stimulating every nerve with her movements he pushed harder, thrusting deeper.
"Shit, oh shit..." The words escaped with his harsh, uneven breath. She grabbed his arms, digging her nails into his solid lean muscle.
"Uh...I...Daryl..." He filled her up and weighted her down simultaneously, keeping her from falling away from him, from herself from this life.
You must be "willing to risk your body and your blood and your mind, your known self and to become more and more the self you could never have known or expected." She finally understood the D.H. Lawrence quote she'd written in her journal years ago.
Danni awoke to pale morning light as the birds began their chatter. She had slept soundly for the first time in days. Lying curled up next to Daryl she hadn't fought sleep. She hadn't been afraid to close her eyes.
She stretched, cat-like, to lengthen her muscles. She was sore all over but savored the memory of why.
When she realized she was alone in the tent, her déjà vu was visceral. Her heart raced as she pulled on her clothing. She quickly crawled out of the tent. She saw him packing up and the relief was palpable. Her first instinct was to race over and throw her arms around him, but she held back. Only for a second.
"Fuck it." She ran over and jumped on his back kissing his neck.
"Hey, watch it." He complained half-heartedly.
When he pushed her off and turned toward her, he was holding back the smallest of smiles.
"We should move soon. The others are waiting for us."
"We don't have to go with them," Danni told him. "I don't care."
"Yeah you do. 'Side's I told Sophia I was gonna bring you back."
She was accustomed to his not talking, but as they put the last of his stuff into the pickup, his silence made her self-conscious. It was heavier than usual. For the first time, what he wasn't saying worried her. They'd crossed a line. For better or worse.
Finally, he looked over at her.
"Danni, this thing we're doing, you and me...I want you to know I'm in. I'm all in." He said it softly but with intensity.
As relieved as she felt, it was a lot more than she expected him to say.
He looked past her. "Merle was the only family I had. The only one I ever trusted..."
"I know." She interrupted.
"Lemme finish. Nobody else. 'Til you. Now he's gone." He shook his head, unable to continue.
"You went back for him. You did the right thing."
He winced. "I know I ain't easy to be around. I'm no good with people."
"You're good with me."
He shrugged, looking at her sideways.
"And the group. Rick depends on you Daryl. I saw it in Atlanta. "
"Didn't do nothin' Shane wouldn't have done." He rasped.
"Yes, you did. More. Look, the other night, last night, I liked it. I'm hoping we can keep it up."
"Yeah?" She saw a hint of his nervous smile again.
"Hey, can't we be happy about this at least?"
He stepped forward and pulled her to him, feeling surer each time he did.
"I can't do any of this without you." He said almost too low and quiet for her to hear. "I tried. It doesn't work anymore."
She nodded into his chest. " I know. I have your back. Always."
She wished they could stay there holding on to each other forever because she knew it might be the last time they did. Anytime could be the last.
... ... ... .. ... ... .. .. ... ... ... ... ... ... .
As she settled into the passenger seat, Daryl noticed she wasn't phased by the torn upholstery or grime on the interior of the cab.
"So the bike you're hauling, it's a what, a chopped '70s Triumph? Bonneville?" She asked.
"TR60 and its ''60's." He corrected her.
'The Tiger model."
You know bikes?"
"Yeah. I have," she paused "had friends with motorcycles."
"Its Merle's.' His pride and joy. He's been working on that thing as long as I can remember. It's his badass cruiser."
"So the SS bolts, are they Merle's too?" She asked. She had noticed the Shutzstaffe symbol on the side of the tank.
"Yeah. He hung out with some neo-nazis. Skinheads. Met most of them doin' time. Merle's got strong opinions on that subject."
"What about you?"
"You mean am I a racist son of a bitch like my brother?"
"Are you?"
No one ever asked him if he was or wasn't. Being Merle's brother, they always assumed he was. Merle wasn't here now.
"No, I'm not." He felt good saying it out loud. He never had before; Merle would have kicked his ass.
She nodded. She hadn't thought so.
"You ride?" He asked.
"Yeah. I love it."
"Might let you. If you're nice to me."
"How nice do I have to be to drive it?" She smiled. That smile.
"There they are." She said, looking at him as he pulled the truck up behind Shane's jeep. "We can still leave. You don't have to do this."
"I know."
His body language shouted distance at her the minute they approached the group. They hadn't discussed what to say to anyone if anything. She followed his cues and kept any signs of closeness or spontaneous affection to herself. She respected his need for privacy. It was easy to slip back into their roles in the group.
"So the prodigal son returns." Carol smiled warmly when she saw Daryl. He just winced, squinted and shook his head, bristling at her calling attention to him.
He motioned to Sophia. "Danni, she's been waiting for you."
Danni crouched and the girl ran into her arms.
"You don't have to worry anymore, I had a talk with Daryl last night." Sophia assured her, sounding quite authoritative for an eight-year-old.
"Thank you, bug, thank you." She whispered into Sophia's ear.
Daryl was uncomfortable when Dale pulled him aside to express his gratitude for what he'd done for Andrea. Still, Danni thought she noticed a bit of pride in his posture. He held his head high as Dale shook his hand.
Finally, it was time to move on, the group intact again. As he and Danni walked to his truck, Daryl noticed Shane giving them too long of a glance.
"What's officer douche bag's problem now?" Daryl asked.
She looked back seeing what he meant. Shane was staring hard at her. She felt uneasy. "You don't like him do you?" She asked.
"Don't trust him. He's the kind of guy who'll put a rattlesnake in your pocket and ask you for a light."
She might have to have a talk with a rattler.
... ... ... ... ... .. ... ... .. ... ...
"When's your birthday?" Danni asked Daryl a few minutes after they started out on the road, back in the caravan.
"Why? You gonna bake me a cake?"
"I want to know what sign you are."
"Wasn't that 'sposed to be your pick up line or something? We're past that now ain't we?"
"Come on, when is it?"
"August 16."
Leo. Strength. Lion.
"You gonna read my fortune now?"
"Shut up."
Here we go again, he thought with relief.
The next time Daryl stole a glance, she had propped herself against the door and was fast asleep. The steady hum of truck tires made her drowsy. She had pulled the hood of her tattered black sweatshirt over her head to cushion it against the window. The zip up jacket had seen better days. The cuffs were fraying and it had been washed so often that the black had almost become a dark gray. The white skull and crossbones transfer across the front had tiny cracks in some places. Her raven hair spilled out, in need of a good brushing. Her t-shirt read Motorhead England across the front. A band he knew, Ace of Spades was a kick ass song.
"Looks like we're here." He pushed her shoulder gently. She awoke to a devastating landscape. They stared. The entire grounds of the large government building were strewn with rotting corpses. More than she'd ever seen before. The stench was immediately overwhelming. They remained silent. He reached into the small space behind his seat and pulled out the Remington shotgun he'd kept after Atlanta. He handed it to her. He looked down to her waist making sure she had her knife clipped to her belt.
He swung his crossbow over his shoulder as he exited the truck. She jumped down holding the shotgun at her sun was getting low as they joined the others.