Noon daylight is streaming in through the window when I finally awaken. In my own bed, back in District Four. My eyes fall on the bedside table, and come to rest on the note and sugar cube that lie there.
"I love you, Finnick."
The words make me feel both warm and scared. Love is something that I have always longed for, but have never known how to attain. Annie is special, there is no doubting that. But I don't know if I love her. I don't know if I ever will.
With love comes such a great price, and it is a price I am not sure that I am willing to pay. Besides, a heart that has been withheld for so long can be easily deceived. And I do not want to hurt Annie.
I pull myself out of bed and check the time. 2:00. I stumbled into bed last night just after 5, and did not fall asleep until after seven. There were too many things on my mind.
I feel much better rested, now, though. Sharing with Annie last night was the right thing to do, even if it has only confused me more in my thoughts about her. I promised myself once, that I would never fall in love. I had been hurt too many time. Now, I am no longer sure if that promise is valid.
I don't bother with a shirt and head down to the beach for a swim. Old ladies on the beach give me disgusted looks, and the young woman stop and stare for a moment, before going on their way. I wish I could just blend in with the crowd, but being a victor makes that almost impossible. Especially a victor like me.
"Finnick." I hear my name being called and turn around. I expect to see Annie, but then remember that it is Friday, and she will be in school. Instead, I see the mayor, standing on the steps of the justice building, waving me over. I turn and walk towards him, wishing he had not seen me. The mayor seems like a nice enough person, but I prefer not to be around anyone who is in any way affiliated with the Capitol.
"Beautiful day for a swim, eh Finnick?" he questions, giving me a once over. His eyebrows lower so that they almost touch his eyes, in a disproving glance. I automatically lower my eyes like a guilty child, before I realize that I don't have to. This is not President Snow, nor a peacekeeper, nor anyone with any real authority over me. But I am so used to bowing to others that I cannot seem to voice my own opinion.
The mayor doesn't speak for a moment, and then places his hand on my shoulder.
"Come in, Finnick, I have something to speak to you about."
I walk through the doors of the Justice Building, and once again am awed by the majesty of it. The paintings, the architecture, the domed ceilings. I have been here twice before. Once, for final goodbyes after I was chosen in the Reaping, and second during my Victory Tour. I have had many opportunities to come in since, including during the Victory Tours of other Victors, but have always avoided it. The memories it holds are to painful.
I am brought into an office and the mayor gestures that I should have a seat. The plush visitors chair seems to envelope me. I wish I had remained standing.
"I received a phone call from the Capitol today," The mayor begins.
I wonder what this could have to do with me.
"From the President himself, actually."
My mind begins to spin, and again I am drowning. Suffocating.
The mayor's next words are unheard, as I try to calm myself and control my emotions once again.
When I surface from the waters of thought and memory, the mayor is staring at me quizzically. I ask him to repeat himself, and after a pause, he does.
"He told me to let you know that you will be mentoring the tributes from District Four this year. Both of them. Mags, your mentor, will be there to help you, but they will be your responsibility."
I nod my head, letting out a breath of relief. Not that I have any desire to mentor the tributes from my district, but I knew that the day would come soon enough. Perhaps this will give me a break from Snow's assaults, as a mentor is to be on call at all times. Then I realize why he has Mags with me. To take my place when I am 'needed' elsewhere. I force myself to stay on the surface. I am a good swimmer, but in these type of situations I tend to drown more often than not.
The mayor hands me a slip of paper and a pen, asking me to sign a few sheets. I don't read them, knowing that what they say will be irrelevant in the end. Finally, I am able to pass over the pen and leave the office.
I stumble down the stair in my effort to get out, and throw open the doors without bothering to catch them as they close. They bang shut with a loud slam.
I no longer worry about who is watching. I make a break for the ocean, running as fast as I can. Trying to outrun my pain, my past, my present, and my future. But it is impossible to outrun what is always surrounding you.
I race up the dock for a fishing boat and dive off the end. Submerging myself in the saltiness of the ocean. Surrounding myself with something other than thoughts and memories.
I dive, as deep as I can, holding my breath until my body gives out, and floats to the surface on its own. I gasp for breath and dive again, and again.
Finally I resurface in a cal spirit. My body has returned to normal and I, Finnick, am again in control. I pull myself up onto the dock and sit, staring out at the water. The waves crashing back and forth against the rocks and sand. A gull flying overhead, fish swimming underneath. A ways off I watch as a whale surfaces and then dives again. Free. As I never will be.
I pull my jacket on over my bare, wet skin, and reach into the pocket for the sugar cube, forgetting that it is still sitting on my bedside table. I take a deep breath, and tell myself to be strong. To make the best of this situation. To hold onto what strength I have left, and to allow myself to love Annie. But I can't. I have been broken to many times, I have fallen apart into millions of pieces. Shattered, like the water in a wave shatters upon the shore.
I remember one day, when I was eleven, and I brought a wooden trident that I had carved into the house. I was playing with it, when I knocked over a vase. A clay one, that my mother had made before she died, painted in deep greens and purples. It shattered.
It was one of the few times that my clumsiness did not result in my father's belt. Instead, he told me that I must put it back together. He meant to teach me a lesson. Thinking back on it, it would probably have been easier if he would have belted me and gotten it over with.
It took my mother a month to find the clay, shape the pot, find the right berries for paint, and decorate the vase. It took me ten to glue it back together. What it taught me has nothing to do with vases or shattered clay, but with myself. It taught me that it takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.
Suddenly, I feel the urge to laugh, and I do. I laugh, because my situation is so funny. I am a victor, physically free from the arena, but never really free from it. A victor, physically strong and able to handle everything, but truly weak and incapable of anything. Victorious, but lost. Free, yet a prisoner.
In that moment, I realize something that I have never realized before.
No matter what I do, what I think I can do, I will never be truly free. All that matters is what I do with the time that I have been given. There are things that no man can take away. Love is one of them. I am free to love Annie, and no one can take that from me. I am free to be happy, even in the face of terrible circumstances. And I am free to be me, Finnick Odair, no better who anyone else says I am.
That realization changed my life. I am not who they say I am, I am who I say I am, and no one can take that from me. It is one freedom that is mine.
I am broken, yes, but I can be rebuilt. I will never be the same, no, but no one who has seen what I have seen can ever be the same. I have a choice to waste my life or to use it. To hold on, or to let the wind come and sweep away what hope I do have.
I find myself in my bedroom again, and realize that I must have walked here while lost in thought. My eyes fall once again on the sugar cube and I realize that it is more than just a sweet, white lump. It is a gift. It is a symbol.
A symbol of hope.