Chapter 19
"Come on. Do it," Elsa whispered, trying to motivate herself in any way she could. Operation badass transformation has to be executed ASAP before Sergei totally clobbers us all!
Lady Alexandra smirked as her long, black hair blew dramatically in the conveniently-timed wind. "I must say, you are a hard one to pin down," Lady Alexandra said, staring Elsa down as if they were in one of those Spaghetti Western films. "Why do all the pretty ones play so hard to get?" Lady Alexandra sighed, dramatically, as she ran her hand through her voluminous, wavy hair.
"You're going to pay!" Elsa shouted, a stirring rage steadily building within her. "You're going to pay for what you did to Anna!"
"Oh?" Lady Alexandra calmly expressed, staring curiously at Elsa shaking with anger. She then maneuvered herself like an agile cat across Sergei's shoulder towards his head. Once there, she sat down as if attending a tea party. "By all means, show me what you've got, pretty girl."
Elsa was surprised Sergei didn't open his mouth with another one of his snarky comments or throw the aggravating, crazy lady off his head. Instead, Sergei's frown only deepened as Lady Alexandra used his head as her own personal chair.
"But if I were you, I'd just surrender. I would really hate to ruin that pretty face of yours," Lady Alexandra said, smiling pleasantly all the while.
Elsa smirked at the threat and said, "I'd be cocky too if I had a giant snowman to hide behind."
Lady Alexandra giggled, "I'm not hiding, my darling. I'm right here and ready for you."
"This is no time for meaningless flirtation," Hans interjected from the other side of Sergei's shoulder.
"Oh, Hans," Lady Alexandra huffed, and continued, "Will you ever get that stick out of your ass? It's no wonder your brothers ignored you for years."
Hans pouted, but didn't say anything more. He then turned his attention to the bewildered Kristoff who stared back into Hans' sparkling eyes, and became unnerved by the metrosexual's unwavering stare.
Maybe… Elsa's thoughts stirred. I think Hans likes having a stick up his ass, Elsa couldn't help but think while she looked at Hans eyeing Kristoff like a juicy piece of meat. Elsa then frantically shook her head of the disturbing images which followed.
"Elsa, what is going on here?" Kristoff leaned in to whisper in Elsa's ear. "Who are these people? And why is there a monstrous snowman glowering at me?" Kristoff added, staring with wide eyes at the frowning Sergei.
Elsa sighed and said, "Kristoff, it's a really long, complicated, and stupid story."
Lady Alexandra laughed breathily and looked at Elsa with half-lidded eyes, obviously smitten with the blonde. "Come now, Queen Elsa. Join us on the dark side. Imagine how breathtaking you'd be in a black, sleek dress. You'd be the perfect Dark Queen!" Lady Alexandra gushed as she sighed blissfully from her fantasy.
Elsa clenched her jaw and glared at Lady Alexandra. The audacity! After blowing a gaping hole in my palace, hurting Anna, and nearly killing me in the process – she wants me to join her?
"You're crazy and need to leave while you have the chance," Elsa sternly said.
Lady Alexandra's face remained calm, but a flash of pain momentarily crossed her face, but no one noticed - her rare display of vulnerability forever left unrealized. "You're so cute when you act tough," Lady Alexandra dreamily sighed as her eyes glazed over. "It's a shame I'll have to resort to brute force now," Lady Alexandra's whimsical expression instantaneously shifted to a serious one. "Sergei, my darling snowman, fetch."
"If I do, will you give me what I asked for?" Sergei's deep, rumbling voice spoke for the first time in a long while.
"Of course," Lady Alexandra simply replied.
Sergei moved, nearly rocking Hans off as Lady Alexandra skillfully balanced herself on the snowman's head.
Elsa's eyes bugged wide with fear. Impulsively, she flicked her wrist towards the ground to create her own weapon. "Marshmallow, I choose you!" Elsa shouted, as a large whirlpool of snow circulated in front of her, forming a hulking, massive form made purely out of snow and ice. With a ground-shaking roar, the snow monster stood in front of Elsa as her own personal guardian.
"Whoa!" Kristoff gasped, completely amazed from seeing Elsa's hidden power for the first time.
"Oh wait, I forgot something," Elsa said, and pointed her finger towards the top of Marshmallow's head. A dainty crown was bestowed upon Marshmallow's head, and Marshmallow smiled. Perfect. Just like I envisioned.
"What the?" Lady Alexandra and Hans simultaneously said.
With another flourish of her hand, Elsa directed her aim at her own body and said, "Badass magical-girl transformation, activate!" A blinding flash immediately encircled her as she spread her arms out wide for the finale. A new outfit made completely out of ice encapsulated her form resembling a Valkyrie's armor. A matching sparkling headband formed round her forehead with a diamond-shaped shard of ice embedded in the middle. Like any magical-girl transformation, Elsa was equipped a wand/staff which looked strangely somewhat phallic. Uh, not what I intended, Elsa thought, twirling the lewd ice-staff awkwardly. But I guess it will do. Her new outfit felt a bit tight and Elsa wondered if she made her outfit correctly. Should have made it a tad bigger… Elsa regretted, feeling the bodice upper-body grating against her ribs. Yeah, no more cakes and chocolates for me… Ah, who am I kidding? I'll never let chocolate go, Elsa went off on a tangent in her head.
Everyone was looking at Elsa with awe-struck expressions. Lady Alexandra was practically drooling over Elsa's new outfit. Kristoff's mouth hung open in shock. Hans wasn't paying any attention to Elsa at all, he was too busy staring at Elsa's phallic ice wand/staff instead.
"Well, well," Lady Alexandra started off like a cliché villain. "It appears you have even more potential than I predicted. It really is quite a shame you can't use your powers for something greater, but I guess one can always be persuaded… With enough effort."
Elsa was still twirling her ice wand/staff, not paying any attention to Lady Alexandra's monologue.
Lady Alexandra became enraged by Elsa's blatant disregard to her obligatory villainous speech. "Listen to me when I talk to you!"
"What? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of how badass I am," Elsa simply said, and gave her phallic-like ice wand/staff a few practice swings. By the third swing, she accidentally smacked Kristoff in the face, not realizing he was standing behind her. "Oh! Kristoff! I'm so sorry!" Elsa quickly apologized to a fallen Kristoff.
Hans' eyes gleamed at the sight of Kristoff being hit in the face with a phallic ice wand/staff.
"Enough!" Lady Alexandra cried, sick of the antics. "Sergei, capture me the Queen! Everyone else is disposable! Even the Princess!"
Elsa froze when she heard the threat. Anna, disposable? You're going to get it now. Elsa turned to Marshmallow and commanded, "Marshmallow, Ice Beam!" Obediently, Marshmallow opened his mouth wide and let out a focused jet of pure ice at Lady Alexandra and her crew. Before they could retaliate, Hans, Lady Alexandra, and even Sergei was rocketed off high into the sky by Marshmallow's devastating attack. "Oh no! Team L.A. is blasting off again!" The trio shouted in unison as they spiraled out of sight. Oddly enough, a ding and a twinkle followed their departure.
"Hmm, that was easy," Elsa said, and turned to walk over to Kristoff who was still on the ground. "You okay?" Elsa asked, and put out a helping hand.
"Yeah…" Kristoff groaned, and took Elsa's hand as he got up on his feet. "But damn, that ice wand/staff is hard. No pun intended," Kristoff added.
"Yeah…" Elsa replied, staring at the strange shape of her weapon. "I have no idea why I keep creating things like this. First, Sergei, and now this?" Man I really am screwed in the head.
Kristoff stumbled over to a sleeping Sven. "Jeez, he's asleep? The most bizarre and epic battle of the century just occurred and he's asleep?" Kristoff wondered aloud, and woke the reindeer up with the scent of a carrot. "Well, we should get going, your sister doesn't look to be getting any better."
Elsa ran over to Anna and saw that her skin was pale-white. "You're right, let's get going," Elsa worriedly said, and hopped on the sled. "Marshmallow, think you can keep up with us?" Marshmallow grunted and shook his head yes. "Alright, let's go," Elsa urged, and Kristoff prodded Sven along.
Elsa held onto Anna as they made their way up the narrow mountain paths. She looked down and her stomach lurched from the sight below. "Hang tight, Anna," Elsa whispered. "You'll be okay." As she gazed down at Anna, she couldn't help but think how much she missed hearing her voice… and seeing her smile. She became lost in Anna's features and before she knew it, they stopped in front of a quaint store with the sign 'Wandering Oaken's Trading Post' "And Sauna?" Elsa said aloud, noticing the little sign under the main sign as if it were an afterthought.
"Yeah, I know," Kristoff said, and leapt off the sled to untie Sven. "Oaken, the owner, is a little… quirky, but it's the closest place I know, unfortunately."
Elsa scooped Anna up into her arms and followed Kristoff towards the building. Marshmallow followed, but Elsa turned to him and gently said, "I don't think you can come in Marshmallow." Elsa eyed the tiny door and then at her massive creation. "I think it's best if you stay out here."
Marshmallow groaned disappointedly, but eventually plopped down next to Sven when he realized he had no choice.
Once inside the building, Kristoff and Elsa was greeted with an enthusiastic, "Yoo hoo!"
"Hmm?" Elsa turned to see a jolly man wearing suspenders – a toothy smile on his red-cheeked faced.
"Big Summer Blowout," Oaken started, "Everything is—"
"Yeah, yeah, Oaken," Kristoff interrupted the man. "You say the same thing every time I come in here."
Oaken's smile cracked slightly as he stared at Kristoff, but he retained his friendly demeanor as he turned his attention to Elsa.
"How may I help you?" Oaken said, in his heavy accent. He caught sight of the unconscious Anna in Elsa's arms. "Oh no, poor dear!" Oaken cried, placing his hand on his cheeks in horror.
"Is there anything you can do to help? Please…" Elsa pleaded, and stared teary-eyed at Anna's face.
Oaken's eyes watered, but retained a cheery tone. "What might help is a visit to Oaken's sauna," Oaken suggested and pointed to the steaming room beside him. "It will warm the poor girl right up."
"I don't think a sauna session will snap her out of unconsciousness. The most it will do is make her sweat," Kristoff dryly said, and Oaken's toothy smile grew smaller.
"Oaken's sauna is renowned for curing all ailments, not just for sweating the toxins out of bodies," Oaken replied, still perky.
"Right," Kristoff sarcastically said, and wandered around the store for a better solution. Noticing there was little to no supplies in the store, Kristoff said, "Do you ever stock up in here? All you have in here are books and useless trinkets." Kristoff picked up a figurine of a mouse wearing red shorts and scrunched up his face.
"Your friend, he is grumpy, yes?" Oaken whispered to Elsa.
"I heard that," Kristoff said, and put the mouse figurine back down. "Look, do you have anything that will help or not? Otherwise, I'll take these two somewhere else that can help."
"Oh, well, the closest trading post is very, very far away," Oaken stated. "Besides, it appears you have little time to spare," Oaken sadly said, and looked at Anna.
Kristoff sighed. "I hate to say it, but he's right. The next closest place I know will take nearly a day to get there." He then looked at Anna in Elsa's arms. "It's up to you," Kristoff concluded.
Elsa gazed down at Anna's pale face, and exhaled tiredly. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's try the sauna."
"Okay!" Oaken said excitedly, causing Elsa and Kristoff to jump. "Since you seem to be in quite a pickle, it will be free of charge! But you," Oaken said, turning to Kristoff, "You have to pay."
"What? Why do I have to pay? Kristoff said. "And who said I was even going in too?"
"Yeah, he's not coming in with us," Elsa repeated, and looked at Kristoff suspiciously.
"I wasn't thinking of going in there!" Kristoff shouted.
"Methinks the thought crossed your mind," Oaken butted in.
"Why you—" Kristoff started, trying to hold back his anger. "You puffed-up strudel!" Kristoff bellowed.
Oaken slowly and menacingly rose out of his seat, revealing himself to be quite the giant. "What did you call me?" Oaken asked, his eyes shifting from warm to deadly.
Kristoff gulped, staring up at the very tall and big Oaken. Before Elsa knew it, Kristoff was easily whisked up and thrown out of the store with a conflictingly cheery, "Bye! Bye!"
Oaken came back and sat back down with his usual warm personality. "Now, would you like to begin the steaming?"
"Uh," Elsa said, and stared at the door Kristoff was just thrown out of. Man, do I really think a sauna is going to save Anna's life? Elsa grimaced when she rubbed her thumb across Anna's cold skin. "Fine… I'll try anything at this point to save, Anna."
"Good choice! Here are two towels," Oaken said, and bestowed Elsa with two, fluffy towels from behind his desk. "You can change behind the door in the sauna. Hope you enjoy!" Oaken finished, and flashed a cheeky grin.
Elsa looked towards the steam-filled room and thought, I must be really desperate.