"There you are," Daryl said finding Danni sitting cross-legged on the loading dock in the late afternoon sun. March had blown in like a lion, the wind whipped hair across her face tangling it in a silky black net. Even the insistent breeze didn't break her deep concentration. Her eyes were open, but she didn't see him coming or even hear him speaking.
"What are you doing?" He hoisted himself up with a grunt and tugged on her boot buckle. "Hey, anybody in there?" He asked sitting beside her and brushing the hair away from her eyes. He pulled her hood off making he jerk forward surprised. The sun blinded her for a second and she adjusted her eyes turning toward the feel of his hand on her cheek. "Oh hey."
"What are you doing?" He asked again. "It's like you weren't here."
She looked disappointed, frustrated.
"You're trying to make it happen again huh? Trying to go back?"
"Yes." She said quietly, annoyance in her tone. She waited for him to tell her she was wasting her time, that what they'd done the other day was not going to happen again but instead he said, "Don't try by yourself. No way I'm letting you go back alone to that motherfucker."
"What?"
"You heard me."
"I figure it's something I should handle on my own."
He sighed. "Think I'd let you? After all this time? You act like you don't know a thing about me."
"But it's my conjure stuff." She said dismissively using his term.
"So?"
She raised an eyebrow. "You believe it then, that we did it and-"
"Told you I did. That was no dream. I don't know how but we went back."
"So you don't think it's crazy?"
"No, I do. Fucking certifiable. Crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory and I ain't gonna go telling anybody, mind you. But seems to me that the crazy stuff with you and me is real and 'sposed to happen so there's no sense in me fighting it." He knew this conjure stuff or magicor whatever she called it had been part of her life forever. Now he was starting to think it had been part of his life too, only hidden away in a locked part of his mind and the only key belonged to Danni. He didn't even have a key; only Danni did.
She nodded.
"But it's not something you can force no matter how good you are with that mind of yours."
"I'm trying to visualize, put myself in the situation and try to make it real. I know some people can do it. My aunt Siobhan supposedly was able to do astral projection. But that's just your mind going, not real physical time travel. "
"Well whatever we did, felt damn real to me." He paused. "You got the Dixon's in all our glory. Nice way to meet the parents, huh?"
"Hey, I'd already met Merle and still married you." She said trying to make him laugh. He didn't, so she gently asked, "You're not ashamed are you?"
"Not in front of you." His voice was strong with conviction.
"You faced it you made it right; as right as you could."
He nodded. "Something about saying what I wanted to say and seein' my old man like that ...made me realize he's nothin'. Not no more."
She pushed herself into him leaning her head on his chest and rubbed her hand over his lean stomach. He began tracing his palm up and down her side, pausing to squeeze her hip. Danni snuggled into him so her head was right under his chin and pulled his arm around so that it was resting on her thighs. She wanted to melt into him.
"Danni, what are you doing?" He rasped thickly.
"What, you don't like cuddling?"
"I mean, sure, I just didn't think you wanted everybody to see me do stuff like this."
"No, you don't want everybody to see us. Even after all this time…" she laughed a little. "Besides nobody's out here except the Ravens." He still had his sweet, awkward moments. Part of her hoped he always would.
"Fine," he murmured. "Keep watching them."
They turned their attention back to crows in the yard, perched on the fences. After a few minutes he was absent-mindedly stroking her cheek with his thumb and tracing circles with his forefinger under her chin, sending small shivers up her spine. She sighed with contentment as he pulled her legs over his lap. He took her face in his hands and brought his mouth to hers. As his soft, strong lips moved against hers, he thrust his tongue into her mouth, parting her lips and claiming her as his own. Again and again his lips touch hers and she became light-headed and lost but not so far away that she couldn't feel his rock-hard erection straining in his pants under her thighs. "Daryl, I think you're getting into this." She smiled against his mouth.
"Don't know what you're talking about." He grunted.
They broke from the kiss and she nibbled on his earlobe. Taking it in her mouth she slowly sucked and softly bit it causing him to breathe deeply and noisily. He buried his face in her neck and drew his teeth over the pale, sensitive skin, stopping occasionally to suck passionately; she knew he was leaving some pretty big marks. She traced patterns with her fingers up and down his back while he ran his hand through her hair. This was all she ever wanted; to kiss him, to feel his arms around her. Their tongues wrestled as they claimed each other's mouths again, their hands wandered all over. She moaned and murmured against his lips as he continued to feverishly kiss her. They put everything they felt into that kiss, all the love, fear, hope, and longing. They again brought their souls to bear in a kiss. Daryl felt the familiar warmth in his chest that he knew to be love and he was comfortable with it. Nothing else was as important to him as Danni, but she also bound him to everything in this world; other people, responsibility, acceptance.
Danni knew he was learning he didn't have to be embarrassed by who he was anymore. Now that people were starting to trust him and believe in him, she could tell it that it meant more to him than anyone might have thought. Being accepted is a big deal to him.
They wouldn't let each other fall away. They never had. He took her fingers between his own and traced the letters over her knuckles: hold fast; it's what they'd done from the beginning.
"I promise I won't hurt you, I won't let anyone hurt you. I want to go back with you; I want you know what it's like to face it and say all the stuff you wanted to." He whispered into her ear. His hand on her waist began to slip to the edge of her shirt, then under it. The delicate skin of her stomach tingled as he ran his strong, calloused hands over her belly he loved so much. He slowly pulled his hands back.
"No, don't stop," She begged.
"We can't, not here." He said breathing hoarsely, the leather of his vest and jacket creaking heavily as he moved.
"Fuck it..I-" she panted.
They heard a coughing from below them and pulled apart quickly.
"Hey, can I talk to you guys?" Glenn looked up, waiting for them to the regain composure. "Did you hear, about Merle and T-Dog?"
"What about them?" Daryl asked.
"The brawl."
"Fucking hell!" Daryl muttered and jumped down.
"It's done. Rick and I broke it up."
"I gotta deal with this." Daryl ignored Glenn.
"Go." Danni said, but he was already out of earshot. She turned to Glenn. "I guess they weren't fighting over the last pudding cup at lunch."
"No, more like a debate about the Klan as legitimate political party WWF style."
"Shit." Danni put her head in her hands. "If you wanna say I told you so, go ahead."
"No. Believe it or not. That's not what I wanted to talk about." He paused and looked past her. "I miss you. I miss our friendship."
"Me too. How's Maggie? I feel like I haven't talked to her in forever."
"She's good, she said to tell you hi and she's thinking about the babies."
"This is stupid Glenn. We live together, we should be talking to each other."
"I know, that's why I'm here. Truce?"
"Yeah, but Merle-"
"He apologized for Woodbury. Daryl made him...but still, he did. I'm never going to like the guy, but...the world is what it is now and there are worse things to worry about than Merle Dixon. We'll deal. I just don't want to lose my enforcer." He joked using the first nickname he'd ever given her.
... ... ... ... ...
Relations, within he group, seemed to regulate a few days after Glenn's gesture. Everyone reluctantly accepted Merle. He and T-Dog steered clear of each other, but otherwise there seemed to be peace in the block again. Danni and Carol had even come to terms although Carol's hurtful words especially what she'd said about Daryl still bothered her.
After seeing Rick and Daryl off on their run to scout out Woodbury's surrounding area and find new sources of weapons and ammo, Danni headed inside to a surprise.
"You didn't have to." Danni entered the cell block to find Maggie and Beth setting up the portable playpen cribs. She and Daryl had left them in the boxes for months, procrastinating.
"We don't mind." Beth smiled. "Besides it's the least we can do, we wanted to throw you a baby shower, but-"
"Oh God please! That's one good thing about current circumstances, no baby shower." Danni laughed but saw Beth's face fall.
"You mean you wouldn't want one?" The younger girl seemed shocked.
"No...I guess I just never thought about it before. I never really had any close girlfriends back home...and I never expected to ever be pregnant." Danni explained, feeling badly for hurting Beth's feelings.
"Every expectant momma wants a baby shower." Maggie added. "Don't try to be all tough and pretend like you never thought of it."
"It actually sounds like a nice thing, a nice idea." Danni relented.
"Maybe we could do something, figure something out?" Beth sounded hopeful." It would be fun."
Danni nodded, "Sure if you want to, I'd like that."
"I'm going to see if Carol and Lori have any ideas." Beth grabbed Maggie's hand. "Let's go."
"Thanks again you guys," Danni added, checking out the mesh-sided structures.
"Do you even think about what kind of example you set for that girl." Andrea asked, finally rising from the table and approaching Danni.
"Excuse me?"
"That sentimental little scene I just saw. Really sweet. Really wrong. We only have so many choices in front of us and you're sending the opposite message. It's dangerous for such a young impressionable girl."
"We are trying to create stability, make a life worth living." Danni shook the hair from her face and absently stroked her belly.
"I'm living in the real world. I know what's going on. Merle says that Governor is going strike anytime. Woodbury is armed and dangerous. On top of that we have Walkers getting into the tombs and Rick can't seem to figure out how."
"Do you want me tell Beth to just give up? Maybe we should all just give up. That it?"
"No I'm not saying give up. I'm saying wake up. Look at me, I contribute. I help keep this place safe. I don't sit around talking about some fantasy life that doesn't exist. "
Danni shook her head. "Yeah such a productive member of the group." Her voice dripped sarcasm. "You don't care about us; any of us. You only care about yourself. You sit up there on that guard tower working on your tan with a shotgun on your lap."
"I am on watch against Walkers. That is what matters, not pretty shampoos and chocolate bars; not baby showers, and onesies and cribs."
"I am trying to have hope, to make every day as good as possible. We don't know how long we have; every day is a fucking gift. I'm trying to live it that way and if that's the example I set for Beth, for anyone, I'm fine with that."
"Are you kidding me? Life isn't normal anymore and you're just fooling yourself and fooling that girl. You're the one that's self-centered. The way you take things for granted."
"My husband is out there right now for the hundredth time risking his life for you... for all of us." Danni's voice rose. "He was captured by that psychopath in Woodbury. They tortured him. Don't tell me I take anything for granted."
"Yes and he came back. You don't get it, do you?" Andrea looked at Danni incredulously. "He even got his brother back alive. This apocalypse or end of the world whatever you want to call it worked out pretty good for you. Hell, I'd say better than good. You got a husband and now you've got babies on the way. The rest of us have piled up our losses."
Danni knew she was still bitter about Amy and Dale. She thought of Stephen.
"I've lost things...people too. You're not the only one."
"You sure don't act like it. Prancing around like you run the place. You have Rick wrapped round your little finger don't you? Playing house, acting like the queen bee, laying down rules for everybody but yourself. You know what?" Andrea stepped back, hand on her hip. "Go ahead. Live in your fantasy world. Set an impossible example for Beth and for Sophia. Go in there and tell that little girl everything's gonna be okay, just like it is for you. She'll get what you have. A husband, a baby and a ...boyfriend."
"Boyfriend?
"Don't tell me you don't see it. The way Rick looks at you."
"What? You're insane Andrea." Danni shook her head and stepped back. "That's insane."
"Is it?"
"Yes."
"Well, see what you want and keep lying to yourself and everyone else. Especially Beth. She'll live happily ever after. She just has to look at the bright side."
Danni didn't respond for a minute, then said, "Yeah maybe she does. Maybe we all do. Maybe that's how we survive this thing."
Andrea just turned on her heel and stalked away.
"Guess you won't come to my baby shower." Danni muttered sarcastically.
"What are you gonna fight for?" Daryl asked her once. She'd answered him with her own question. "What are you gonna stand up for, what type of person do you wanna be?"
When she became pregnant, they both accepted how much higher the stakes were. She was fighting for her children; fighting to give them a life, hell, a world to live in. Stability and normalcy were crucial. You needed a secure base to fight from. That was what she wanted to give to her family and the group. She saw them all pushed to their limits; having to make decisions with no more time for bullshit. Especially Rick. Andrea's comment about Rick was disturbing. Was she sent here just fuck up my life? Danni wondered. Was it still about Amy and about that one horrible day back at the quarry?
How dare Andrea tell her she wasn't living in reality. She saw it more clearly than anyone.
... ... ... .. ..
The next morning, while Daryl was on watch Danni decided to start organizing. Lori called it nesting. Carl and Sophia had found two US Postal mail bins they wanted her to use as bassinets. Danni couldn't say no to such a gift. The kids had decorated them in magic marker. Stars and hearts in pinks and reds covered Scout's and cars and guns and arrows in blues and greens decorated Ryder's. She placed blankets in the bins and put them beside the mattress. She then began folding the tiny pieces of clothing. She smiled remembering how Daryl had picked out all the pink for Scout. Scout. She wondered if he was really okay with that name. It could be just a nickname. Maybe he wanted his little girl to have a girly name; a real pretty name.
She 'd have to ask him again. As she worked, she started singing. She still sang to her babies every day. She started her favorite. "Songbird." Her Nan sang it to her she sang it to Tara when she was scared and crying.
For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right
Daryl heard her voice strong and clear as he ascended the steps. He stopped, feeling odd; he'd never heard her singing this song before, it wasn't her usual, but he felt like he had heard her sing this before."
"Don't you run from me boy! Get your worthless ass back here!" The old man shouted as Daryl broke loose from his grip and busted through the screen door.
"They hate it when you run. Running just drags it out." She said in his ear.
Daryl heard a girl's voice behind him. He wasn't startled; he'd heard her before. "Not if they don't catch ya" he answered, still sprinting through the trees. "Only a dumbass stands still and takes it."
Finally when the old man's shouting and boots stomping through the weeds were no longer audible, Daryl dropped to the ground doubled, over breathing heavily from exertion and pain. The ground was damp. He lay at the base of a tree unable to run anymore. He swore he felt the curve of the earth under him. Daryl had exhausted his adrenaline and was left with fear and despair. He sank into the fierce loneliness that he couldn't climb out of. And no one came into it looking for him. He laid in a fetal position, tightened his stomach muscles and squeezed his eyes shut so he could sink back into himself as if inside a rock that was held in place by his stomach muscles. Safe and protected. That's when he heard her. That young girl's voice behind him singing.
To you, I'll give the world
To you, I'll never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right.
And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.
And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.
He didn't dare turn around, afraid that if he did, she'd stop. When her soft warm hand cradled his head and stroked his hair, he didn't flinch or pull away. He kept his eyes shut tightly hoping that would make her stay. He was afraid she wasn't real. He unclenched his muscles sinking into her touch feeling for that moment that he wasn't alone. Whenever she came to him, he felt comforted and the smell of honeysuckle was sickly sweet; almost overpowering.
Daryl shook his head turning the memory to smoke and climbed the last few stairs. He watched her folding baby clothes and knew she'd been there with him, like the time with bear traps. But how?
And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.
"Like when ya sing."
She smiled. "So do they it keeps settled down, I swear."
"What's that song?"
"Its one I used to sing to Tara all the time when she was hurt. She'd curl up on the bed and I remember stroking her hair and singing to her. I've been thinking about her today. What if she'd made it? She'd be an auntie."
"You did that a lot huh?"
"What?"
"The taking care of...making other people feel better."
"Guess so, yeah,"
"Who did it for you?"
She shrugged. "Nan sometimes, but she was always away."
He sat beside her. "You didn't have nobody did you?"
"I had my stories. I always wrote stories. They took me to better places." She smiled sadly, but thoughtfully.
"You were there for me. Remember what I told you about the bear traps, it happened other times too. I'm starting to remember things. Why now?"
"Daryl, I think it has something to do with your mother."
He physically shifted. "I finished with them, with all that."
"Okay." She knew not to push.
"I think we should go for a walk. Now."
Danni stood and pulled on her boots. "Its time?
"Yeah, I got a feeling."
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... ..
They returned to the same spot in the woods as the other day. This time Danni lead the way through the mist rising from the base of the trees up to their knees. The noises of the woods faded as they tramped through the brush. When they no longer heard the crickets and cicadas or bird calls, Danni gazed down at pavement under her feet. Her heart rose to her throat when she looked up and her eyes met the familiar site of the old Grain Belt Beer sign. The red diamond logo bottle cap rose up from Nicollet Island visible from Hennepin Avenue bridge. The vintage neon sign meant she was home.
"Minneapolis. I don't believe it. Daryl we did it. We did again and this time we made it happen."
They walked a few blocks and rounded the corner of a small residential neighborhood. When they reached her house, Danni stood outside hesitating, unsure, just as Daryl had done. He in turn touched the small of her back to say 'I'm here, I'm with you' as she'd done for him. She nodded and opened the rusty chain link gate and they headed up the walkway to the porch of the small run down bungalow. White paint peeling, porch rail broken and yard overgrown with weeds and unraked leaves.
They crossed the threshold. The scratched hardwood floor beneath her feet and the plain white pictureless walls of the front hall welcomed her home.
The little girl was kneeling at the side of her bed as if in prayer, but Danni knew she was writing, using the mattress as a makeshift desk, her spiral notebook open before her. Her black hair fell to her shoulders and her overgrown bangs covered her eyes. She kept pushing them back to see the paper in front of her. Danni unconsciously brushed her own bangs back. She felt dizzy for a second as she realized she was looking at her nine-year-old self. The honeysuckle vines growing up the outside of the window screen cast spindly shadows on the wall above her little head.
"What are you doing?" Danni asked gently, afraid if she spoke too loudly her younger self would disappear like a vision. She knew, of course, what the girl was doing. Writing. Always writing.
"Writing stories." The girl answered seriously, not seeming surprised in the least that two strange adults had entered her room.
"Hey," she turned her huge hazel eyes to Daryl as if noticing him for the first time. "You're him aren't you?"
"Him?" he asked.
"The huntsman." She answered matter of factly pointing to the crossbow still on his back. She turned to Danni. "So you must be Snow White. I thought so."
Danni let out a gasp when she remembered the story she'd written at that age. She had a habit of rewriting fairy tales making them go the way she wanted them to.
"Snow White never wanted to be a queen and live in a fancy castle with Prince Charming did she?" Danni asked the girl, remebering her own version of the story.
"No way. Price Charming is boring."
Danni laughed remembering how she'd felt about the Prince. He was too perfect.
Daryl leaned his crossbow against the bed. He stood arms folded across his chest, thumbs hooked under his armpits listening, an amused expression playing on his face.
The little girl explained. "The evil queen sends Snow White out with the Huntsman, he's supposed to kill her, you know, and bring back her heart for proof." She looked directly at Daryl. 'But he doesn't. He can't because he and Snow White become friends on the journey in the forest. So, he kills a deer and takes that heart to the Evil Queen instead. That part is really in the story."
"But that's not the end of your story is it?" Danni asked.
"No. I make the huntsman go back to Snow White. They live together in a house he builds for her in the woods. They get married under the moon and stay together forever. He knows all the animals and so they have deer and wolves visit them all the time. The huntsman protects Snow White and never lets the Evil Queen hurt her ever again. Or the Queen's Black Knight either." She added more seriously.
"That's right." Danni remembered the story she'd written.
"Why are you two here? Don't you like how I wrote your story?"
"I love it. We're here because-" before Danni could explain, the loud thump of footsteps started up the hallway.
Young Danni tensed and stood up quickly. "He's coming." She closed the door and angled a chair under the knob. She turned and explained, "He broke-"
"The lock." Danni finished for her younger self. When the pounding on the door started, she froze and become nauseous. She looked at the little girl beside her and gaining courage, knelt. "I'm here now, I won't let him hurt you."
"You can't stop him. No one can."
Danni held her. "He's not getting in here, not getting to you."
"Open the door." Daryl said thickly, dark rage flashing in is eyes.
"What?" Danni asked her eyes as wide as the child beside her.
"He 'll just hurt me again, please don't open it." The little girl pleaded with Daryl.
"He's never gonna hurt you again." He jerked his head toward the door.
"Let's do it," she said to the child "Its okay." She looked at Daryl and knew it would be. The two girls held hands and opened the door.
Jay burst in, surprised to face Daryl. "Who the hell are you?"
Daryl stood like a wall in front of him. It's all Danni could think of. A solid brick wall. He was hardly an inch taller than her stepfather, but in that stance he towered over the other man. Jay backed up not having a choice; he was already drunk and caught off guard. He was overpowered and he knew it. Daryl grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the stepfather's hand and let it crash to the floor.
"You like messing with little girls?" Daryl's voice was hoarser, lower and more threatening than Danni had ever heard it. He kept pushing him backward.
"I said who the hell are you? What are you doing in my-" He spotted Danni behind Daryl and in his haze nodded, somehow understanding revenge playing out.
Before he could say another word, Daryl moved forward again pushing him back with his chest, leaning over him menacingly hissing "sick motherfucker," his tone dripping disgust. "Aint nothing lower than a baby fucker, you know that right? You think of touching that little girl again I will beat your ass into the ground. Hear me?" Daryl stepped back his narrowed, hate filled eyes never leaving the pathetic figure before him. "Now you apologize, hear me?" He gestured at Danni. "You say you're sorry and that she didn't deserve nothing you ever done to her."
"That slut? Kidding me right? The little cock tease-" before he finished Daryl had grabbed the man by his tan Carhartt work jacket and slammed him back against the wall. "Though she grew up nice didn't she."
Daryl punched him square in his narrow grizzled jaw and he lost his balance hitting the floor with a thud.
"He'll kill you!" Danni stood. "He will. If I tell him to." She finally felt the power.
"Little whore. Need your boyfriend to defend you huh? Somebody else fight your battles. See, she's doing it to you man, using that pussy to manipulate you; its all she ever did to me. She wanted me, I had to teach her a lesson is all."
Danni felt like she'd been slapped, and she realized her younger self witnessed the messy scene.
"Not true! Not true!"
"Little whore loved everything I gave her." Jay choked out. " I spoiled her for any other man. It's me she's thinking about when she's with you!" He laughed.
Daryl exploded. He circled around the man kicking his ribs with his work boots stomping his left hand until the gold wedding ring cut through to the bone of his finger. Then he dropped and pinned Jay's shoulders with his knees and began pounding the man's face with his fists until a tooth popped through one cheek. Danni hadn't seen rage like this in Daryl since the time of Shane. He hadn't even been this violent with his own father.
"You don't even fight back?" He grunted with disgust. "Pathetic piece of shit excuse for a man. I ain't little girl huh?"
She was feeling that mixture of horror, justification and desire all at once. Daryl looked up at her as if waiting for direction. She knew he'd kill her stepfather. She shook her head and approached as Daryl got to his feet. She looked down at the pathetic crumpled excuse for a man on her bedroom floor. She took the belt from his hand and almost retched at the sight of the red Budweiser buckle. She crouched and spit in his face. Suddenly, all the things she'd wanted to say, to shout at him left her mind. Stuff about shame and pain and hate...all left. Finally, she leaned close and said simply, "You didn't ruin me. And...you didn't ruin me for anybody else." She stood and saw how powerless he was. He was nobody.
The little girl took both their hands. "There's something else." She said leading them down the hall.
There she was, fixing her face like always, staring into that magic mirror. Danni saw her mother sitting at the kitchen table in her black silk slip, Elizabeth Taylor style, drinking gin from a juice glass.
Danni felt all the air leave her and a deep pang of longing rushed the empty space in her lungs.
"Mom."
No response.
"Momma?" Danni's voice broke, "Mommy?" and cracked.
Daryl started forward from the doorway, but the child tugged at his sleeve.
"She has to do this. She's okay." she looked up into his eyes and he saw the familiar green piercing stare; she 'd always had it.
"Hey bug, what do you want?" she asked not looking away from her hand mirror.
Danni's tears spilled when she called her that. She'd only used an affectionate nickname when Danni's real father had still been with them.
"You. I just want you. I wanted you to care enough about me to save me."
"What are you talking about? I was here; you had me. Danielle you are always so over dramatic."
God she looks so young...so young...but that's no excuse.
"No, no you weren't or you wouldn't have let them touch me. Why? Why didn't you stop it?"
"Stop what? There you go again, blaming me for everything. For whatever you think happened. Always too sensitive."
"What I think happened?" Danni's voice rose. "You know what he was doing to me! You saw it, you ignored it!"
Her mother took a sip from her glass and sighed. "What was I supposed to do? You tell me that. I was stuck with two kids. Your no good father ran out on me...we needed to live."
"What was I then, some sort of trade?"
"Danielle you brought it on yourself. You always provoked Jay. You always made him mad, I warned you. How many times did I warn you to stop pushing him?"
Danni shook her head. "It wasn't my fault." she said it. She said it and she believed it finally. "Not with any of them."
"I was alone! Sometimes I just got so tired, you know? Sometimes I just wanted somebody strong to stand by me. To stay with me!" Her mother tried to justify herself.
"I would have stayed with you." She said plaintively. "Why wasn't I enough? Say you're sorry." Danni's plea was met with silence. "Say you're sorry that you didn't protect me. Take responsibility mom, acknowledge it!"
Danni hadn't realized how close she'd moved toward her mother until Deirdre stood and took her daughter's chin in her left hand. She tilted Danni's head back slightly. "When I was pregnant with you I didn't care if you'd be a boy or a girl. I just prayed to God you'd have long eyelashes." Standing this close Danni smelled the familiar mixture of gin and Dior Poison perfume. "My mother said God would send me a baby without all its fingers and toes for saying such a prayer, so I said at least that baby will have beautiful eyelashes. And you did. And then some. The prettiest eyes I've ever seen. I gave you those." She took her mascara wand and began gently brushing Danni's lashes. "Head back honey."
"Mom…" Danni lowered her face, uncomfortable with the touch. Deirdre grabbed her chin forcing Danni to look at her.
"You were always so fucking beautiful!"
"And that's all you ever cared about!" Danni reared back.
"Baby, come here." She gently stroked Danni's cheek.
Her mother looked sad and pathetic. Danni knew she didn't get it. She didn't have the capacity to see reality.
Who had her mother been? What had she wanted to be or do before Danni was born? Once she was born, her hopes turned. She was weak, hungry for love, desperate, determined and ashamed; somewhere she had to be ashamed? Danni wasn't like her; not the least bit like her. She hadn't become Deirdre.
"I'm going to be a real mother, a good mother. My kids are never gonna know what it was like. I'm never gonna have them go hungry or cold or be scared. Never, you hear me? Never!"
"Think it's so easy? You'll see."
"I'm not you." She said and rushed out to the front porch. She was laughing and crying at the same time as relief flooded her. "I'm not her."
Soon Daryl and the girl were beside her. She knelt. "Where's Tara? Is she here? I wanna see her."
The girl shook her head. "She's safe don't worry. This time is only for you. You needed to take of yourself."
"Okay, then I'm gonna tell you something. It's important."
The girl nodded.
"You are going to be okay." She told her younger self. "Things get better. You are strong little one, so strong; don't ever give up because things are going to be good someday, they are. You do find your huntsman, you honestly do. And he never lets anyone hurt you ever again." Danni cried and hugged her. "You find him and everything changes. I promise. Wish we didn't have to leave you."
"I'll be okay now. But wait." She ran inside and was back in a few seconds with a book.
"This is for you." She handed Danni a thick leather-bound book tied with a green ribbon. "Nana wanted you to have this, she told me to give it to you when you came to see me."
"She knew?"
The little girl nodded,
Danni untied the ribbon and opened Brigid's Book of Shadows. Every spell, every ritual, every recipe, every blessing; all here on parchment in her Nana's own handwriting. She hadn't seen the book since she was nine or ten tears old. She's assumed it had been lost or passed on to another of her cousins.
"Look in the back."
She did as the girl told her. Naming and Saining the baby. Baby blessing ritual.
Danni was ready. She had Nan with her now, to help her be a mother.
Change, when it comes, cracks everything open.
... ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
"Don't you ever call me Danielle." She ordered Daryl fervently wiping the last of her tears as they as they left the house. "Please."
"Yes, ma'am." He complied. "Aint you anyway."
The playground at the end of her street beckoned. The industrial steel merry-go-round painted fire engine red called to her from among the pieces of standard playground equipment, rusty swings, a broken seesaw. She lay back on the cold metal and braced herself looking up at the clouds holding the Book of Shadows tightly to her chest."Push me?" She asked.
Daryl grabbed a handle and shoved the merry-go-round forward.
"There were these nights I'd come here by myself to think. I'd lay like this and look at the stars and wish someone would spin me then someone always did, but I never saw anyone here. It was you wasn't it?"
He shrugged and pushed harder. It felt so familiar and then he remembered a recurring dream he'd had as a kid. A little girl crying on the playground merry go round and he'd push her faster and faster until her tears stopped and she started to laugh. "Yeah reckon it was me."
He stopped the spinning and sat beside her. "All that stuff he said was bullshit. Your momma too. Nothing was your fault. You were just a kid. You okay? Really?"
"Never better. Never. I found my huntsman and he slayed the Black Knight and the Evil Queen." She kissed him gently on the cheek. She swore he blushed.
"Let's go home then, huh?"
... ... .. .. .. .. .. .
Merle handed her the leaves. Got the blue cohosh for you. Daryl mentioned y' all got sidetracked."
She took the herbs without comment and put them aside. She hadn't had much contact with Merle since she heard about the incident with T-Dog.
"What no thank you? You sick or something. Ain't like you not to have something to say. Where's your motor mouth?"
"What was that the other day? With T-Dog?"
"That's more like it." He grunted. Then added, "None of your business." He shifted uncomfortably. "Damn thing was over in a Yankee minute. Wasn't nothing. "
"You're better than that."
He ignored her and kept walking.
"I thought you were trying."
He stopped and spun back around. "Look queenie, get off your high horse. I don't know who you think you are, but you ain't in charge of me. I do what I want. Think you gonna reform me? Rescue me?" He hissed. "Got news for you, sweetheart, you might be able to lead my little brother around like a pussy whipped bitch but I ain't my brother. So get out of my way and stay out of my way. Hear me? "
She moved back, silenced and shocked like he'd hit her. "Fine. You really are an asshole you know?"
"Don't look at me like that. You knew who I was from the beginning. You were right to stay clear. "
"Yeah, maybe so. You stay the hell away from me too!"
"No, problem."
... .. .. .. .. .. .. ... .
She opened the book to the B's.
Blue Cohosh (Caulophyllum Thalictroides) contains powerful qualities for reducing childbirth pains and aiding in a quick and painless delivery. A herb used widely by Native Americans. Blue cohosh should not be used until the last month of pregnancy. Dosage: Since the cohoshes are not soluble in water, prepare a tincture by mixing four ounces of root powder per pint of alcohol. Administer in doses of fifteen to thirty drops, three times daily.
Danni spent the rest of the afternoon making the tincture with Herschel's help. He was open to her herbal concoctions mostly because he knew how difficult her labor would be without any pain medications; especially twins. It could be brutal. He was worried but kept it to himself.
"Getting close; where are you now?" He asked, sure she'd have the exact week noted.
"Thirty-five weeks." She'd been keeping track in her journal. "I just want them out. I am so sick of feeling like an elephant." Herschel's sympathetic face prodded her to continue her litany of physical complaints. She wasn't comfortable sitting, standing, or lying in one position for more than a few minutes at a time, so sleep was practically impossible. She was becoming prone to sharp, stabbing pains at the base of her spine or in the middle of her pelvic bone, making it uncomfortable to walk. "I swear they move less but when they move..."
Herschel told her that her body was loosening up, stretching readying for labor. He suggested bed rest.
She nodded. "Herschel I am so grateful you're here to help me with this. The actual birth...I mean I'm clueless and scared but it would be worse if you weren't going to be there. You know what to do."
"I'll be there don't you worry. Bringing new life into the world is more important than ever now." He took her hand. "I'm honored to be a part of it. To ensure those babies of yours arrive safe and sound. We need to focus on life, not all this death. They're our hope. "
Danni choked up a little. "Thank you, thank you for that." He obviously didn't share Andrea's point of view.
Finally, she was done and brought the bottles upstairs.
"Good you're awake." She said as she reached the second floor to find Daryl fixing some bolts. "Okay, I'm putting you to work."
He looked up curiously and casually asked "What 'ya need?" Thinking maybe a run or something.
"I need you to fuck me and fuck me and fuck me to make these damn babies come out. They say sex can induce labor and I am so sick of feeling like a house. It's April. Its time; they should be out by now. Damnit, I want to wear my old clothes again. So what do say?"
Just hearing her say fuck me three times made his dick twitch and start to harden.
"Think you can handle it?"
He swallowed hard and nodded. "Keep talking like that and get over here."
Danni 's sex drive had been higher throughout her pregnancy. Lori said she was one of the lucky ones. Maybe it was because Daryl found her pregnant body attractive or just because she'd never been able to get enough of him. The past nine months had been no different.
... ... .. ... ... .. .. .. .. .
A strong contraction woke her before dawn. It was followed twenty minutes later by another. They'd had sex three times during the night and she figured it may have done the trick. Contractions kept coming some stronger than others, yet not debilitating and there was no sign of water breaking. Danni was frustrated but went about the day as best she could.
April had finally brought the sun closer to the earth again and its light was revitalizing for everyone. The warm air welcomed and comforted them all after the bleak winter. Everyone was spending more time outdoors.
All the activity from the previous night had reduced some of the pelvic cramping and pain, so Danni decided to go outside, needing the distraction from the contractions that still came about twenty-five minutes apart. She wanted to walk around the courtyard, get fresh air. She joined the others already outside, enjoying the sunshine. Moving didn't seem to help her feel better, so she leaned against the chain link watching the crows and keeping an eye on Daryl, Rick, and Glenn, outside the main gate reinforcing the fences.
"Do you think its labor?" Danni asked Lori, who was beside her watching Rick. "I've been having contractions since last night. They're really regular. About twenty, twenty-five minutes apart."
Lori nodded. "It could be early labor. It can go one for days you know."
"Crap. I just want them out you know This is just making me want to get there, get it over with."
"Sometimes only hours." Herschel overheard and added "The best thing is to go about your normal schedule. When you feel them start to get closer five minutes apart or so then you come see me."
Danni nodded. She walked slowly around the courtyard watching Carl and Sophia toss a crumpled pieced of paper to Fionn, who retrieved it like a dog. She turned back to Daryl. She knew Andrea was on watch in the guard tower and it never made her feel safe, especially when anyone was outside the gates.
Suddenly Carl's shouts of " Walkers! Look out!" Disrupted the peace and a hissing growing herd moved forward from the rear of the courtyard.
"How the hell did they...where are they coming from!" Panicked shouts sounded from all directions. Sophia's sharp screams echoed off the concrete. Suddenly more swarmed.
What the? How did the yard become full of them in a matter of seconds? Danni's thoughts rushed. She saw the kids were fine, Carol and Lori had hurried them up the stairs. She tried to follow and get to the door to block C, but Walkers had it surrounded already and she was cut off. Should I fight through the crowd? She grabbed her knife. Or maybe get out of the courtyard... out to the field. Where was the fence broken? Carol and Lori were screaming her name, but she couldn't see them. Gunshots popped and cracked around her. She'd lost sight of Herschel, became disoriented and as another burning contraction gripped her she couldn't run or move quickly enough. She drew up her knife and plunged it into the eye of an approaching Walker while suffering more vicious cramping. She tried to turn, smelling and hearing them behind her. She'd never felt this much panic or fear before when fighting the vicious dead. She cursed her physical condition for weakening her, slowing her down. Too many! Too many! There's just too damn many... She twisted and turned, avoiding their grabbing fingers and snapping jaws, trying to use her knife but she was no longer lithe and agile. She was running out of options and helplessness set in. Daryl I'm sorry...I tried. Before she could choke down a scream and think of dying, she felt a solid hand grab her shoulder. "C'mon queenie, I'm gettin' you outa' here."
... ... .. .. .. .. ... .. ... .
Rick heard a commotion and when he looked up he was too horrified to speak. He finally he managed to shout 'No!" getting Daryl's attention. When Daryl looked at the Walker filled court-yard his gut clenched tight and his adrenaline pumped. A few seconds before Danni was at the fence now it was wall to wall with Walkers. "C'mon!" he shouted sprinting to the gate.
"We have to go through the fences!" Rick shouts following him.
Back in the courtyard, T-Dog was closing any gate he could to stop more Walkers from coming in. Finally, Glenn and Daryl and Rick reached him and joined him in killing, herding and locking the rest of the Walkers outside the fence.
"Danni! "Daryl shouted, looking wildly around. "Shit, Danni!"
T-Dog grabbed his arm, not thinking, Daryl yanked it back. T-Dog noted the desperation on his face and was glad he could give him the good news, "She 's okay I think. It looks like Lori and Carol got everybody inside before they really swarmed."
Daryl nodded and expelled a deep breath.
"Alright let's get inside and make sure everybody's okay." Rick said heading to the door.
... ... .. ... .. ... .
Merle took her arm with his good hand and plunged his bayonet into Walkers as they moved through the crowds and he steered her to a side entrance.
"Stay close to me!" He shouted his voice echoing in the dim tunnel over the hissing, growling and snarling of the ragged corpses he sliced through. He forged ahead, his arm protectively around Danni's shoulders looking for a clear path. The air was musty in the tombs and a dusty light sporadically poured through small windows in the concrete. They turned a corner to find yet another group of stumbling dead. Merle was breathing heavily and grunting with exertion as he cut down as many as he could. He pushed Danni back around another corner. The place was like a gray maze, the light a shade of charcoal. She felt adrenaline, fear, pain of contractions and smelled the pungent stench of death.
"Something's not right." Danni stopped and braced herself against the wall, breathing in sharply from a sudden excruciating pain, worse than any previous contraction.
"You bit?
"No, I think the babies are coming." She swore she felt them drop lower in her uterus. Merle ignored her statement and hearing more snarling getting closer he opened the first door he saw, to a boiler room and pulled her to safety. Corpses pounded against the steel door as he slammed it shut behind them. He leaned his weight against it, then secured the door with a pipe through the handles. The Walkers were still audible, hissing and moaning outside.
"We'll be good for a bit, once they pass I'll git you to the farmer Doctor.
"No. I don't think so."
"Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do-"
"No, you're not."
"Bossy as ever. Don't tell me what my plan is, I saved your ass we are goin-"
"I mean I'm having these babies now, and you're helping me!"
"Huh, not my job, queenie that's women's business."
Her water broke and she wanted to cry. Daryl wasn't here. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to.
"Daryl isn't here, he's not here. Merle, there's no one else." She gasped trying to breathe "You have to-"
"I don't have to do nothing." Merle tried to sound dismissive. "I'll go git Daryl. You just hold tight and I'll-"
She shouted over him as a painful contraction ripped through her lower back and shot through her pelvis. "Motherfucker!"
Merle stood open-mouthed not knowing what to do. "You can't be doing that now, so just stop, hold 'em off. Stop it now."
"Stop? Fuck you! I can't control this!" The contractions were coming faster, getting closer to the five-minute mark. She could hardly speak and take in air at the same time.
She started breathing quick, short breaths in and out. She leaned against the wall. "It's not supposed to be like this. I have everything ready...the blankets and towels and water and Herschel...fuuuuuck!" More pain as if someone was grabbing her uterus and squeezing it in their hands like bread dough.
"You need to help me get my pants off." She gasped.
"Jesus Christ queenie I ain't 'sposed to see that-"
"Do you really think I care about you looking at my snatch now? Now?"
"Like I said, you stay here I'll get Daryl. I'll find him." He began to unbolt the door.
"Merle you are not leaving me alone, you goddamned son of a bitch! Pull yourself together and fucking help me!"
... ... ... ... .. ... .. .
Daryl felt his blood go cold when he looked around the common room to find everyone safe and sound except Danni.
"Daryl wait!" Carl shouted after him, but he couldn't see or hear anything; he was too focused on finding her. He sprinted up the stairs three at a time shouting her name. She wasn't upstairs. She wasn't here.
"Daryl!" Carl shouted. "Merle was with her!"
"Huh?" He hurried downstairs again.
"The tombs. I saw him take her into the tombs. They couldn't get to the main door. "
Daryl suddenly focused. He had direction. "Which way?" He asked.
"The far right side."
He headed for the door.
"We'll go with you." Rick announced.
Daryl stopped and looked back. He nodded. "We should split up. Cover more ground."
Daryl moved through the tombs his crossbow aimed and ready its light cutting through the dusty blackness around him. He grunted with exertion each time he cleared a corner, killing Walkers as he went, desperate to find her. He called out her name not caring that the noise would attract more. Where the fuck is she? Those bastard Walkers keep coming! What if she's dead what she's lost to me forever? He never thought like that. His mind was betraying him and he felt like he was going insane. He willed the spiral of panic in his chest to stop before it reached his clenching gut. She was the only thing he'd ever cared about and he wasn't losing her now. He was a fighter. Hell, he'd had to fight everyone and everything his whole life. He wasn't giving up now. Still, the damn corpses kept coming at him. Where are you?
"Danni!" He yelled her name over and over, anguish making his voice hoarse with each ragged cry. He swung his bow around another corner and shut up a jaw snapping Walker with a knife to the eye and he found himself alone for a moment. He leaned against the wall, breathing heavily from exertion and desperation. The silence was suddenly broken by Danni's voice. Daryl heard her fight voice. She was pissed, she was yelling...yelling at Merle? Keep going Danni, come on keep yelling. He listened to her cussing out Merle but heard the physical pain in her tone. Something was wrong. Was she hurt? Shit. He was trying to follow her voice; he could hear her, but he realized it was inside his head. It was all inside his head.
You promised you promised me I need you Daryl you promised…" He heard her loud and clear. He just didn't know what direction to take. He stopped, still feeling helpless. "Come on!" He shouted in frustration. "Danni, where the hell are ya!" Tell me where you are.