I am still sitting on my front steps hours later, but now with my back against the door, and my knees to my chest. My face still feels puffy, and is probably still streaked with tears, but my heart has slowly calmed down, and the tears themselves have stopped. My mind is the only thing racing now.
It is in this state that Annie finds me, and though I have lost track of the time, I am judging it to be about ten o'clock, by the sun. I need to be in town by four, so I have lots of time, but all I want to do is get inside and shut the door so that Annie does not need to see me like this. At least the mockingjay's have left.
She takes one look at me and gestures inside. I shake my head, a weak no. I can't let that happen. Not now. In this state I will probably break down again, perhaps break Annie's resolve or evoke the President's fury, I don't know. Either way, I can't be alone with her. Not now.
She glares at me,"Finnick, I need to talk to you. If you...if you saw anything...it's okay. I promise."
She knows. She knows I saw her. And she still thinks it will be okay. The President must have told her to come here. So it's okay, I tell myself. It'll be fine. You can handle this. You can.
But I can't. I am strong, on the scale of most people, but not strong enough for what I know is about to happen. Not strong enough at all.
But Annie shoves me aside, and caught off balance, I tip just enough to give her the opportunity to shove my door open slightly and slip inside. I decide not to prolong the inevitable and follow her in.
Once I have shut the door she falls into my arms. I didn't expect this. How could I? She's sobbing, tears streaming down her face, and though I know I should be strong, I can't be, and then I am crying too, and we sit on the couch, her on my lap. Our tears our mingling and I taste salt and I don't know what else to do but rub her back and whisper soothing words whenever my voice allows me. I know I shouldn't, but my minding is not working clearly right now, and I am so broken that I can not think of anything else to do.
Finally her sobs break off, and I force my eyes to dry.
"What did he say, Annie?" I had planned to hide my knowledge, but there is no point in that now.
"He told me that you have not been obeying him in the Capitol. That you haven't listened to everything that he told you to do. That the people are restless, that they are beginning to wonder if Finnick Odair has any interest in them at all."
I want to laugh. The people may be restless, but it has nothing to do with me.
"It's not funny, Finnick. He told me...he told me I had to break it off with you, or else..."
"Or else what, Annie."
"Or else he would kill everyone I loved, and torture you, and...oh, Finnick."
She breaks into tears again.
"Annie, be strong, please. Please." It may be cruel, but I can't take her tears right now, when I am in an unsteady state myself. "Did he say anything else?"
She stifles her sobs and nods," He said, he said that if you could prove to him tonight that you were everything the Capitol wanted you to be, then he would let us stay together, in secret. But if you couldn't, then we would be done."
I nod. I didn't expect this. This ultimatum. He knows that if I lose Annie, there won't be as much of a reason for me to play his game in the Capitol. So he is giving me another option. An option I have no choice but to accept.
Annie stares at me, tear stains running down her cheeks, like they must be on my own.
"Well, I guess I am going to be wearing my Capitol clothing tonight." I say, in a lame attempt at humor.
"It's not funny. It really isn't, Finnick. How can anyone live like this? With death threats over their head and promises to kill everyone they love. I thought, at least, we had the ability to choose who to love, but even that was a lie."
I nod slowly. "I know. I've always known that. There are no victors to the Games, Annie. No winners. There are only survivors." It isn't exactly a statement full of hope, but if there is anything we lack right now, it is hope.
She nods, but her eyes are getting cloudy again.
"Please don't cry, Annie. Please. I-I just don't think I can take it right now. I'm sorry, but if I have to be in a good state tonight, and ready to play President Snow's little game, I just can't watch you cry. Seeing it breaks my heart, Annie. Because I'm supposed to be able to protect you, to comfort you, to dry your tears. But I am just as helpless as you are."
I clench me eyes shut and ball my hands into fists to stop my own tears. I haven't felt this way, this vulnerable, in a long time. For these last months, I have felt hope. Real hope, like we had a chance. But now even that is being stifled. And try as I might, the flames are not growing, but shrinking. And I can't reignite them.
Annie is staring at me. She has never seen me like this, I have made sure of it. I have always acted strong in front of her, as though I knew what I was doing, who I was. But this is who I am. It is who I have become, and now she knows. And this breaks me even more. Because if I had anything before, it was the mask. And now the mask has been ripped off and everyone can see me for who I am. And once a mask has been removed, it is oh so difficult to put it back on.
And then Annie wraps her arms around me, and despite my resolve and my earlier chastisement of her tears, I feel my eyes brimming and overflowing once again. To feel her love, despite everything that I am, everything that I have become, it is like nothing that I have ever known, or thought I ever would know. It is beautiful.
And she doesn't cry, she just holds me, and now it is her who whispers the words of comfort, the words of hope. She has always been my hope, hasn't she. I had none without her, but I have never fully lost it since I found her. I wouldn't be anything-anything-without her. She is my everything.
But somehow that makes it even harder. To know what I must do tonight and forever if our plan in the arena fails.
Forever.
That is a very long time.
I relax, and Annie lets go of me as I dry my tears on my sleeve. She hands me a tissue, but I refuse it, and stand up. She stands on her tiptoes and kisses me one last time.
Perhaps the last time, ever.
No.
No.
No. It can't be.
And then she is gone, and I am alone again.
I go upstairs, and ruffle through my drawers, trying to find something to wear. But I can't, and I don't want to wear any of the items that I think might work. So I go to the bathroom and wash my face, relieving the redness and the tear stains that remain. Then I comb back my hair, and ruffle it up, the look my stylist gave me during my own games. I head back to my room, and don't allow myself to think, I just get dressed.
A white top, with a green sweater, because it is slightly chillier than usual. Blue slacks, of some material that I was given in the Capitol. Matching blue and green shoes. A necklace with a shark's tooth on it. Another gift from a Capitol admirer. The tooth isn't real.
I look in the full length mirror that I keep in the hallway. I hate it. I hate everything about this look, this person who is staring back at me. Because no matter what others think and say and believe, this is not me, and I hate it. I will always hate it. Always.
I look out my window, and can see Annie's house, with the light on in the window. And then I look at the clock. 12:00. Noon. Four hours.
I consider going over to her house, but I think that perhaps I couldn't take it. And for some reason I don't want her to see me like this. She will, of course, but I would prefer to put it off for as long as possible.
I sit on my bed, and somehow, in the stress of the moment, I fall asleep.
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When I wake up, the clock is reading 7:00.
7:00.
I leap out of bed and look at the sky, which is still bright and cheery, and then I turn to Annie's house, and the light is still on, and then I see Mags in the doorway to my room and I understand.
"Mags!" I yell at her, but she is laughing, and I can't help laugh myself. She changed my clock so I would freak out when I woke up. I glare at her, and she smiles back at me. And then I roll my eyes and walk out into the hallway, where the clock reads 3:45.
Just enough time to get to town.
Mags is wearing a purple dress, with a black pearl necklace, that I haven't seen before. Her hair is pulled back with a black hair tie. Even in her old age, she is beautiful. I hug her, and together we hurry out the door.
Well, with Mags, it isn't really hurrying, but still.
I start to Annie's house, to pick her up, when Mags taps my arm with her cane. I remember what I must do tonight, and I wonder how Mags knows, but either way, I pass Annie's house unnoticed. And then I see her, up ahead near the entrance to the Victor's village. Walking with James.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, release it, and keep walking. I must play my part, and she must play hers. That is how this all works.
Mags reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing it hard.
I smile down at her, and she repeats the gesture. Trust Mags to make anyone feel better, no matter what.
When we get to the square, it is already packed with people for the speech that Katniss and Peeta will give. As victors, the district four tradition is for us to sit on the stage, and I can see the chairs that have already been laid out for us. Annie and James are already there, and Mags takes the seat beside Annie, leaving me one away. She gives me a look as I come on stage, as though reminding me that this is all for the cameras, and then her attention is back on James, who seems all to pleased about the extra attention.
I laugh softly. He can have his night. But in the end, I know who Annie's heart belongs to. And it isn't to him.
And then, the doors to the justice building open, and the mayor steps out, followed closely by Katniss and Peeta. They are holding hands, and share a very forced kiss as soon as they set foot on the stage. Her hair falls into his face, and he pushes it back, leaving room for another kiss.
I grimace. Whatever act they are trying to put on, it isn't working.
The crowd is silent.
The mayor begins the speech, but I drown him out, focused only on the 'star crossed lovers'. Katniss is wearing a pair of black pants and a green and blue shimmering top, that reminds me of the sea on a clear day. Her hair is down, but a head band of the same colors as her top pushes back her bangs. Plain, but pretty. I wonder what her stylist has planned for the banquet tonight.
Peeta matches her perfectly, his suit black, with his tie, shoes, and belt the same color as Katniss's top. The perfect pair. But not really. I feel bad for him, once again, and feel that annoyance at Katniss for playing with him. I wonder if he knows, now. And then I remember the footage of their supposed reunion in twelve. It was cold and forced from both ends. He must know. But still, he is playing it up. Protecting her, even though he knows the truth. I was once told that no decent person ever wins the games. So Peeta was lucky. And Katniss was, though perhaps far better than most, a surviver. It wasn't luck that gained her the crown. But, of course, luck played no part in my crown, either. Yes, I had the looks that gained me the sponsors, but I had skill too. The trident was the final straw, but I would have won either way. I was willing to do anything. I think about the upcoming games. This year, I must be willing to give up even more, and not even for myself. To keep Katniss alive. The girl who has, perhaps unknowingly, become the face of the rebellion. I wonder how much, if anything, the two of them have been told.
If they have been told anything, it sure hasn't affected their acting abilities. They're lucky that the Capitol believes them, but the districts sure don't.
Katniss is shaking. I notice this the moment my eyes glance her way again, after surveying Peeta. She looks like she is about to break into tears. And then I see them, about halfway into the crowd, a whole family stands and puts three fingers to their lips, holding them out to Katniss. A Peacekeeper makes his way through the crowd, joined quickly by two others, and they drag the family away. I didn't know them. But I respect them. Still, this has clearly unnerved Katniss. I wonder what pressure she is working under? A personal threat from Snow, most likely. I wonder if Peeta knows as well. He doesn't seem to be acting in any way unnatural.
Peeta stands up to the microphone, as the mayor gestures the pair forward, and gives a quick speech about their thankfulness for the districts kindness and so on and so forth. The same speech that is read every year. No personal comments. Yes, he must know. I watched the footage from eleven, and cringed when he offered money to both Rue's and Thresh's families. Then Katniss spoke and the place was thrust into chaos. Someone must have spoken to them, made sure that it didn't happen again.
The speech is over quickly, and the pair are quickly shuffled inside. It is now 4:30, and the banquet is not until 6 this evening. I decide to see if I can find Haymitch. I need to speak with him, if possible.
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It's not as easy to find the mentor of the star crossed lovers from district twelve as I had thought. When I do get to him, about a half hour later, he is in the mayor's office and I need to wait another ten minutes before he is done. When he leaves, I follow him down a series of hallways, until he finally stops just outside the door to their temporary apartment. I wonder if he has seen me. Not that I am hiding from him, but rather from the cameras that are surely hidden all around the building. Outside though, we should be safe. At least, more safe.
But he hasn't seen me, and just stands still, as though taking a breather. I see my moment and take it, sneaking up until I am right behind him. I don't him all too well, but one does not simply pass up a moment like this.
When I am directly behind him, I hold out my hand,"Haymitch. Want a sugar cube?"
He spins around, his fist catching me in the side and knocking me over and against the wall. I feel the air go out of my lungs for a moment, and then suck in deeply. Haymitch looks confused for a moment and then he glares at me, and seems to be contemplating whether he should hit me again or not, even if the first was perhaps a well-deserved reaction.
Reminder: never ever attempt to frighten someone you don't know well.
Finally Haymitch finds his voice:"Idiot," he says.
I roll my eyes, still trying to catch my breath, but he offers me his hand and I take it, easing myself up.
"Sorry, first reaction. Not that you didn't deserve it," he reminds me.
I nod, "you got to be able to take it if you dish it out, I guess."
Haymitch shakes his head in agreement, but his eyes are serious,"I somehow doubt that you followed me just to attempt to scare me, though. Why don't we step outside?"
"No, I didn't. And yes, we should."
I follow Haymitch back down the corridor and to an exit that leads into an abandoned parking lot, and then down a side alley. There are almost certainly no cameras here.
"What is it you wanted?" Haymitch asks.
"What have you told them?" I question.
"Nothing. It's too dangerous."
I consider this for a moment,"But isn't it even more dangerous for them to act without knowing what they are getting themselves in to."
"No. Katniss was visited by President Snow, who threatened the lives of her family, Gale, his family...maybe more. She knows the stakes are high." Haymitch responds.
"Annie was visited by Snow, too." I tell him.
Haymitch eyes widen. "Why?"
"It's my fault. I haven't been...been doing what he wants. Been playing up the whole sex symbol thing enough. He's angry. He said he would kill Annie's family, and torture her or me, or who knows what else, if I fail to be his puppet."
Haymitch expression is angry now,"Look Finnick, you're not the only one who has to put on an act for the Capitol. Assuming it's an act, of course. But it's all we can do. And it's selfish to resist, knowing what's at stake."
His words cut like a knife. Selfish. "You know nothing about selfishness, Haymitch. What have you ever done for anyone? Sat in your little house and drank your life away?"
I don't see his hand before it hits me, but the sound echo's down the alley. Not that I haven't been backhanded before, but it stings nonetheless. I glare at him through the tears that gather as an automatic response, and wipe them quickly away.
"Shut up, boy. You don't know what your saying. I am trying to help. To help this country, to help Panem. And what are you doing? Making more problems. I have never liked you, Finnick. What I did know was that I could trust you. Or at least, I thought I could. But maybe I can't. Because, someone who puts his own image as more important than the lives of others can not be trusted to put the life of the rebellion above his own."
I don't look at Haymitch. I don't answer. I just turn and go, and he doesn't try to stop me. I didn't get my questions answered, or any help, but I can't stay and listen to this. I made a pledge, and I plan on keeping it. I don't owe him anything else.
"Oh, and Finnick?" His words ring down the alleyway, and I stop, just for a moment.
"What?"
"Don't talk to Katniss tonight. The Games are already beginning, and you'll just make things worse.
I nod, though I don't fully understand him, and without turning or looking at him, walk out of the alley, through the parking lot, and back inside. Back down the corridors, and to the place where the banquet will be held. It is 5:45. I can wait here.
I see Annie, already seated, almost all the way across the room, next to James. Mags is next to her, as she was outside, and is staring at me disapprovingly. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Haymitch enter the room, and disappear through another door. The room is full of people, except for the spot next to Mags, which is meant for me, and the mayor's spot. He is up at the podium.
And then the lights go out, and as the mayor begins to read the names of Katniss and Peeta's team, I realize what Haymitch meant.
The Games may start for real in a little over five months, but they begin now.
The Game for Annie's heart, though she has already given it to me. The Game to fool the people of the Capitol, though they may already be fooled. The Game to please the President. And he is not please. That is the real Game, though, isn't it. To please Snow. But then, I think, perhaps we are involved in another game. Or another side of the game. It's like chess. There is the Capitol, and there are the rebels. Snow is like the king of one side, once he is defeated, the game is won for the rebels. And Katniss is our king. If she is killed, the rebels may as well give up. She lit the fire, and we need her. She is our mockingjay. And I am just a pawn. Useful only for protecting the king, whatever side I may choose. But this game is more complicated than a simple children's chess tournament. Because to please Snow and play my part may also be the best thing for the rebels right now. I look at Annie, wearing an outfit that completely compliments mine, however distant we may be. I will do whatever it takes to protect her and to protect this country. If it means my life.
And then I hear the names of Katniss and Peeta called, and as they descend the stairs, hand in hand, I watch a mockingjay fly across the window panel in the roof above their heads, almost unnoticed.
Katniss.
A mockingjay.
The symbol of rebellion.
The symbol of hope.
Hope.
Even if it is at the cost of my life, and the lives of others, we are fighting for hope. Because there is always hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. And because of Katniss, we have it in overflowing amounts, no matter how dim things may seem at times. Perhaps I will die. But it won't matter, really. Because, in the big scheme of things, I am only a pawn, and if I die, the Game can still be won.
So let the Games begin.
A/N: Hey all! Thanks for sticking with me through everything, all the way to the end! If you're reading this, I appreciate you! :) I spent a lot of time on this story, but then I just wasn't sure about it, and deleted it like twice (as you probably know if you've made it this far). Honestly, the only reason this is still here is because I was messaged and asked more than once about where it had gone :P So, thank you all so much for the encouragement and kind words; they meant a lot!
Also, I do have a few chapters of a sequel written, but I don't have plans to finish it. (At least not anytime soon). I don't really want to post something that is unfinished, but if you ask for it then I will. If anyone is interested in continuing the story, either from this point, or from where I leave off in the sequel, shoot me a message! And once again, thanks for sticking with the story! You are all amazing! :)