Children know by instinct that hell is an absence of love, and they can pick out theirs without missing.
-Flannery O'Connor
Merle wasn't supposed to want his mother to hug him or hold him. He shouldn't want her to comfort him and call him her little boy. His daddy made that fact clear. "Only pansy ass momma's boys did that!" Merle could tell by the way his daddy spat out the words 'momma's boy' with venom that it was not a good thing. So, by the time he was five Merle started to pull out of her grip and run from her affection. He hated that it made her look so sad, but he pushed her face from his mind. If his daddy caught him letting her fawn over him, it meant a whipping for both of them. He was protecting her as well as himself. He missed his momma's love less and less all the time. His daddy made sure to beat out any desire he might have. "You gotta be tough boy" he'd say bending Merle's fingers back so far he broke a few. When Charlotte gasped and tried to intervene, Will glared at her. "Just trying to toughen the boy up 'fore you ruin him any more. You're gonna turn him into a pussy. No son of mine is weak ass faggot."
Only sometimes, when he was out in the woods by himself, Merle remembered the days when she'd sit him in her lap in the rocking chair on the front porch. She'd stroke his blonde hair. She'd call him her beautiful boy. She'd tell him how he was the best thing that she'd ever done in her life. She said that. Merle? The best thing? She sang old Appalachian folk songs to him, the ones from her records. When daddy was at work, she'd put on her Carter family albums too. He'd sit and play with what few toys he had, and she'd smile and sing along. He had only been two or three years old at the time but he remembered. She rocked him gently on her lap. He heard the chair creak on the wooden porch and her low sweet voice sing in his ear.
A small tear escaped Merle's eye, and he scowled; he was eight years old, not a baby. Only babies cried. He grabbed a branch and started hitting the base of the nearest tree as hard as he could. He cussed and yelled in the middle of the empty forest until he exhausted his rage and frustration. He didn't want to love his momma, and he didn't want her to love him. It made everything harder. He hit his forehead against the tree over and over again until he saw stars and a lump started to form on his forehead and his anger dissipated. He filled his head with pain so he wouldn't think of love. He was the best thing she ever did, and he couldn't even protect her from that monster who lived with them. Merle got angry when he looked at pictures in his momma's photo album. Pictures of his momma and daddy looking happy. Merle knew that after he was born everything changed, and his parents weren't happy anymore. It was a burden he bore but didn't quite understand. All he knew was that everything made him angry. He'd beat up kids on the playground at school when they said anything about his daddy being a drunk or his dirty his clothes. He won every fight. It made his anger go away- to pound his fists into someone else's flesh the way his dad did to him. But the rage only went away for a little while. It always came back.
One afternoon right before school had let out for the summer Merle came home to find Charlotte passed out on the kitchen floor in a puddle of blood. A tray of biscuits was burning in the oven. Her face was almost unrecognizable for the bruises and lacerations. He looked around unsure of what to do. They didn't have a working phone, so Merle propped her head up with a pillow and cleaned up the mess as best he could. He sat on the floor beside her and listened to her shallow breathing afraid it would stop. He didn't want to love her or be worried about her, but he couldn't help it. She was still unconscious when his daddy came back to the house. He stomped into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of Old Crow out from under the kitchen sink. He took a swig and looked down at Merle sitting beside his mother.
"Pussy. Momma's boy."
"Daddy she needs the doctor."
"She needs to mind me that's what she needs. Now you get your ass up and git to chopping the wood for the stove. "
Merle didn't want to leave his momma still unconscious on the floor, but his daddy kicked him hard. "You heard me boy!"
He had no choice.
After an hour of chopping wood, he found his daddy passed out on his recliner in the living room and momma her still on the floor but when he sat down beside her she stirred. "Merle?"
"Yeah, Momma?" He whispered, even though, his father was asleep.
"Think I had a dream."
"Was it a good one?" He asked.
"Yeah." She choked out softly. "The baby-"
"Momma you okay?"
"Yeah honey I'm okay...I'm okay…" Her voice was weak.
He felt helpless. He knew she wasn't okay.
"Baby boy, get me to the grannies. To Brigid. Can you do that?"
He nodded. He stood and slowly pulled her up. She was unsteady and had to lean on him. "I can't walk it, gotta take the truck, okay honey?"
He nodded again. She steadied herself on the table while Merle held his breath and approached his sleeping father. He reached in and carefully unhooked the truck keys from his belt, hoping he wouldn't wake. He didn't.
Merle helped his momma into the battered old pickup. He started the engine and pulled out of the dirt driveway to the muddy road. He was nine years old.
... ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
"Daryl," Danni mumbled over the crying babies. "Daryl, it's your turn." She pushed his shoulder. He grunted and rolled over, his back to her.
"Fuck Daryl." She hit his arm. No response.Fine. Danni pulled herself up to a sitting position and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. What had it been, an hour since she was last awake? She got up and went to the crying babies, listening to their hiccuping, staccato vocalizations. She picked them up before they really began to wail. "What's wrong?" They'd just eaten so she knew it wasn't that, and they were both dry. She leaned her face down into each tiny, snuggly body, breathing in their warm sleepy, sweet scent. Then she walked and swayed her hips bouncing them gently with each step. The movement seemed to do the trick. The more she walked, the more they settled down. She looked at Daryl still in a deep sleep and heard him snoring which indicated exhaustion. He'd spent the day hunting with Merle. They'd left before dawn and didn't get back until near sunset. So she decided it was fair for her to take all the turns tonight. She'd still give him shit tomorrow though.
Ryder and Kiera looked around curiously taking in the world around them. She caught their wondering eyes. "Okay, you wanna go on a little night walk?"
She hummed quietly and started down the stairs to the first floor. It was that silent, shadowy silver time; night in the cell block the time she loved so much. They seemed to love it too.
"There you are." She whispered to Fionn, who stalked a field mouse at the edge of the block. He drew her eyes to the exit and that's when she saw Merle, heading outside, fully armed. Where was he going it was the middle of the night?
"Merle!" she whispered loud enough to stop him in his tracks.
"Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering' you none."
"I know what you're planning." Danni said seeing a vision of Merle facing the governor one on one, but she couldn't see who walked away alive.
"I don't need permission queenie."
"I can't let you do it."
"You can't stop me. 'Sides I'm doing it for you. For them." He jerked his head toward the babies on her hips.
"Merle I don't want you to do this. I didn't ask you to-"
'I'm trying to save your ass, Daryl's too. Hell most important I'm trying to save my own."
Danni shook her head. She knew he added the last part to deflect the fact that he was selfless.
"What's the matter with you queenie? Your old boyfriend's dead cause of this guy. Don't that mean nothing? He wants you dead too, you do know that right? I know him, and that stunt you pulled? He didn't like it much I 'll tell you what. Now get out of my way."
"No."
"Get out of my way."
Danni held her ground. "Of course I want him dead. But not you too. Promise me you won't do anything by yourself. Please. Daryl will help; Rick too. They have a plan-"
"That's just it queenie. All that planning and thinking that Rick does is wasting time. We need action. No time to waste. I should have done this last month. There's a saying I live by, goes like this, 'If you don't hunt it down and kill it, it will hunt you down and kill you."
"Merle, please. Just come and sit for a minute okay?"
He let out an aggravated sigh. "Suppose tonight's off now anyway."
She followed him back to his cell. She handed him Kiera and sat beside him with Ryder in her arms.
"Merle they need their uncle. Promise me you won't do this."
"Can't promise that queenie."
"Rick-"
"Rick." He said with disdain. "Aint worth a good goddamn that's what. Queenie don't put so much faith in Rick. You and Daryl act like he's some kind of king or something."
"Give him some credit Merle, he's done a lot for us all, and he's a good leader."
"Save your breath it's wasted on me. Left me handcuffed on a goddamned roof. Left me to die. I know who Rick is. I know the governor too. I know how he thinks."
"We have time, and we should use it to strategize not have you go out like some stupid vigilante and get yourself killed. God Merle, Daryl just got you back, and he needs you and they need you. And I-" she looked away. When did we become friends? The question ran through both their minds.
Merle felt as uncomfortable as Danni did at that moment, so he looked down at his niece's face and his expression softened. "She's cuter than a little ol' ball of cotton rollin' under a barbed-wire fence."
Danni began to sing softly,
"Go to sleep, go to sleep
Go to sleep you little baby
When you wake, get some cake
Ride them pretty little horses
Black and bay, sorrel and gray
Whole heap of little horses
Black and bay, sorrel and gray
Whole heap of little horses-"
"Hey, I know this song, momma used to...used to sing it to Daryl." When Daryl was her beautiful boy, and Merle was, well, trouble. Her lost cause. Things got worse from there.
"Nan taught it to me. Bet she taught your mom too. Little ole horse, little ole cow
Amblin' around the old hay mow
Little ole horse, he took a chew
Darned if I don't, said the ole cow too…"
When she finished the song, the twins were both sleeping. "You know what Merle, they are the best thing I ever did in my life. The best thing."
Merle heard the words and felt something break open inside. Maybe his heart. Those were the words his mother had said to him.
"How well did you know my Nana?" Danni asked.
"Not all that well queenie. My momma spent time with her though. She loved my momma I think. Said she had the second sight. You heard of that? "
"Is Daryl ever gonna want to talk about your mother?"
"Go easy on him 'bout that huh, queenie. He will, just in his own time. That there's a tough one for Daryl."
"How about you?"
"Well, I don't much like remembering a lot about those days myself, but your Nana she was good to us. One night I thought I was gonna lose momma. Really did." The details came back to him when Danni triggered his memory:
"Good boy, you got her to me." Brigid sat over Charlotte, who she put in her own bed. She turned "Maeve get Merle some milk. Auntie Maeve took his hand and led him to the kitchen. He was uncomfortable and worried about his mother, but also conflicted. His daddy wouldn't want him to worry about her.
"Poor girl, what are you still doing with that bastard."
She washed the blood from Charlotte's face. The woman stirred.
"You don't need to be a saint or a martyr. You should stay with me. Leave with us next week."
"Brigid, the baby I'm worried about the baby, I…I'm-" Charlotte's voice was weak.
Brigid froze. "What's this about a babby?" Brigid placed a hand on Charlotte's abdomen and closed her eyes. She emptied her head and let the information from her hand's vibration be projected into the front of her mind. The waves of energy were strong electric pulses that travelled through her core to give her a picture.
"It's a boy. A very special boy." She said as if in a trance. "He was conceived on the night of the blood moon. The Hunter's Moon isn't just any full moon. Like with other moons this time of year, its path — called an ecliptic — is shallow. That means for several nights in a row, the moon sits farther north on the horizon. It's this northward movement of the moon along the eastern horizon at moonrise that gives the Hunter's Moon its magic. The Hunter's Moon in October. The prey is easier to find. Rather than the moon being up in the sky an hour or two after sunset, it's up in the sky sooner. There's less of a period of darkness."
Charlotte nodded. "Yes, it was that night. I know it was. Is he okay? Is he hurt? Will kicked me-"
Brigid continued to concentrate. "Yes, he is fine." She became serious.
Charlotte started to cry with relief but also grief. "I can't have this baby."
"Shhhh dearie, this is no time to be thinkin' like that."
"We can't even support Merle. We can't-"
Brigid's palm remained on Charlotte's abdomen. This boy, conceived on the night of the blood moon would fulfill a destiny. A very important destiny.
"Shhhh, " she said again. She would have this baby.
She cleaned Charlotte's wounds with an antiseptic tincture of Propolis, Myrrh, Goldenseal and Witch Hazel then applied a skin salve she made of Red Clover, Chaparral, Goldenseal, St. Johnswort and Calendula,
"Now drink this dear darlin', its anti-infection tea its got Chaparral, Cedar, Echinacea, Yerba mansa, and redroot."
"I've been able to move things and see things since before I could talk. Why couldn't I see this? See what my life would become." Charlotte said sadly. "And now that I have, why can't I use it to to...what good is it if I can't use it to defend myself?"
"Magic must be studied, controlled, used for good."
Charlotte sighed.
'"Remember the reed. First do no harm. Why do you think I haven't knocked his block off? Hmm, dearie?" She grimaced. "Charlotte love, it isn't about vengeance it's about making the decision to put yourself and your sons first. Leave him. It's what you should do. Leave him and come with me."
Charlotte didn't miss Brigid's use of the word sons plural but remained silent as she always did when the subject of leaving Will came up.
"I can't have another baby."
Merle sat outside on the porch waiting for his momma to be fixed up. He stared at the moonless sky at the billions of spirit campfires, what his momma called stars. She 'd sometimes point out constellations to him. She knew all the Cherokee legends of the star formations.
"None of us can choose our Destiny and none of us can escape it," Brigid whispered to Charlotte.
Merle spoke again, bringing them out of their silent reveries as they focused on the breathing of the slumbering babies.
"Queenie don't mind me saying this but you look tireder than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. You've been too easy on Daryl. You did just give birth and almost died on top of it and all I see is you up and around and taking care of my brother's sorry ass. He's got all the smarts God gave a duck's ass. Now you sit back and let that no good lazy worthless-"
"Merle! He does take care of me."
Merle raised his eyebrow.
"He was out hunting all day today, you guys brought down and dressed a deer. Plus everything he did while I was sick-"
"Yeah and why ain't he still doing it? I thought you'd be one of them women's libbers-"
"And I thought you were the keep them women barefoot and pregnant type."
"Let my brother take care of you, you deserve it. I got a mind to tell him."
Danni started to sniffle. The drop in her hormones post pregnancy was to blame for her emotional ups and downs.
"Aww, shit don't go blubbering."
"I can't hep it. I wanna cry all the time lately."
"Damn moody women."
"Fuck you Merle!" She said still crying but starting to laugh at the same time.
"Just take it easy sugar that's all I'm sayin'. You're taking on too much after just popping out them sprouts."
.. ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .
She wasn't there. All Daryl knew was she wasn't next to him. The babies were not in their beds. He scrambled up and into his boots. He usually slept lighter.. He was pissed at himself. He threw his shirt on and grabbed the bow, feeling his heart rise into his throat. He headed downstairs. Everything looked fine, they weren't under attack. Where the hell is she?
"Danni?" Danni?" He whispered hoarsely with desperation. He was still affected by the day he lost her in the tombs.
"Hey brother, keep it down you're likely to wake everybody up."
"Can't find Danni or the babies. Shit Merle where-" Daryl did a double take when he saw Merle holding his children. "Wha..."
Merle was going to give Daryl shit but noticed real fear on his face.
"She's okay, right here, c'mon."
When Daryl entered Merle's cell and saw Danni fast asleep curled up on the bunk all he could manage was "What the hell?" He gave his older brother a questioning squint
"What did I teach you bout heavy sleeping boy? You're likely to lose it all for what? Some shut eye?"
"I was beat Merle. I-"
Merle narrowed his eyes. "Well, she's okay. No thanks to you."
Daryl shook his head and grunted. Jus' cause you never sleep don't mean-"
"You need to take better care of her, that's all I'm saying."
"Shut up Merle. I know."
"Then start acting like it. She may be a momma wolf, but she's needing help. Set down there with her."
Daryl grumbled but sat. Merle continued to pace holding the babies gently. Daryl was floored to see this side of his brother.
"Hey Merle, remember when we used to steal chickens from the Arvins' down the road when we was kids?"
"Merle chuckled. "Wouldn't have eaten if 'n we didn't."
"Recall the time we was caught and Old man Arvin called the sheriff? You told daddy it was just you done it an' that I wasn't there."
"Got the whooping of my life that night." Merle looked far away. "Why you bringing that up for?"
"I remember it, that's all. " Daryl said softly. You were there for me.
"That son of bitch is burning hell right now. " Merle's voice dripped hatred.
… ... … … … .. .. .. … .. … .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .
Danni opened her eyes to what she knew was afternoon light. She couldn't remember walking back up here last night after talking with Merle. She had been exhausted. Daryl must have carried her back. Now he was changing the babies.
"Hey, why did you let me sleep so late? The day is almost gone."
"You needed it," he said over his shoulder. "They're okay. They been eating fine. I used the milk you put in the bottles yesterday."
Merle. "I'll take over."
"Nah I got 'em."
"Really?"
"Why don't you wash up, eat, just take it easy. It's okay."
"Okay. Are you sure?"
"Danni you ask me one more time I'm taking it back." He grunted, but she heard the tiny smile in his tone.
"Okay, I will. Thanks, daddy."
"You're welcome momma; now go."
... ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .
"Well hey swat my hind with a melon rind. Blondie. It's been a while. You, ah, looking for a little something?" Merle greeted Andrea as she approached. He was salting some of the extra deer meat to preserve it. He and Daryl had set up an area for dressing and skinning their kill on a picnic table in the rear of the courtyard.
"Merle I'm here to talk to you about your brother."
"Daryl? What about him?"
"I think he should know about Danni and Rick. You know they are having an affair right?"
Merle bellowed laughter. "Officer Friendly and Queenie? You crazier than a shithouse fly."
"You do have a way with words Merle. But I'm serious. I've always suspected since we first moved into the prison. Lately, I've seen them really close. The other day I almost told them to get a room. There were all over each other."
"You for real?"
"They were in a pretty tight hold. She's always hanging all over him. And I've seen them going off on their own a lot. Who knows what's going on behind closed doors."
"Shit Blondie you know queenie, that gal hugs everybody. Jesus Christ even me!" He laughed. "Sides she just popped out them babies-"
"It's been going on since before that. Danni is not what everyone thinks." She murdered my sister, is what Andrea wanted to say. She is responsible for Amy's death and yet here she is the princess of the prison, everyone falling for her act. Andrea knew she was just a sideshow freak whore. A junkie slut was all she'd ever be. She was using all the men around her to get whatever she wanted. Daryl, poor dupe. Rick, even Merle?
"Merle I'm trying to look out for your brother and keep the peace around here. If Lori and Rick split up, this place is going to turn into who knows what…and think of what it would do to Daryl. Christ, Merle they just had babies...that girl is not what everybody thinks. It's about time you people woke up."
"I smell what you're steppin' in Blondie and I don't like it none. You quit tryin' to stir up trouble, hear me? Don't mess with Daryl or queenie. You're worse that a pet raccoon - can't keep your hands off anything can ya?"
Daryl was happy for the first time in his life and Merle was damned if this bitch was gonna do anything to fuck it up. He didn't know much, but he knew queenie loved his brother. Merle was not an emotional guy but when he saw queenie look at Daryl he got them chills you get up and down your spine. When she touched Daryl same thing. Andrea was damn jealous. I should just fuck her again to keep her quiet.
"Don't you care?"
"I'll talk to queenie myself. You just keep your nose outa this. And remember, you mess with the bull, you get the horns."
"Are you threatening me?"
"Oh I ain't talking bout me, I'm talking bout queenie."
... .. .. .. .. ..
After she'd taken a satisfying sponge bath and washed her hair, Danni put on a clean t-shirt and leggings. She felt like a human being again. Her hair had grown almost to her waist, It was the longest it had ever been in her life. She took a minute to weave the damp strands into a shiny loose braid on the side of her head so it lay over her shoulder. She considered cutting it. It would be so much easier to manage. Danni made her way to the kitchen and ate some of the venison stew Carol had made with the spoils of Daryl and Merle's hunting trip. Then, still concerned about Merle's mercenary plan, she went to talk to Rick. He was alone in his cell, deep in thought.
"Hey is this a bad time?" She ventured.
"No, come on in."
"Have you and Daryl been including Merle in your talks about Woodbury?"
"No. He's a loose cannon, too erratic."
"Well, he's getting antsy about the whole governor thing. I think he's, no, I know he's planning something on his own. If you guys don't keep him in your loop, I think he's gonna go off and do something dangerous." She sat on the bunk beside him.
"Exactly my point. Daryl and I need to handle this our way. It's been quiet anyway. No sign of an attack or any interest in us since we got Glenn and Daryl back."
Danni nodded. "I know it's weird. But it's like a really long calm before a storm. I feel like we still have time, but-"
"We need to be ready. We will be."
Danni nodded, knowing Rick would think about her words. "Hey, Rick about the other day, my little breakdown? I, well, thanks. I-"
"Like I said we all need that sometimes. How are things with you? Better? With Daryl?"
"Yeah better." Danni slid over and wrapped her arms around his middle. "Thanks." She stood to leave.
"I'll think about what you said, about talking to Merle. Can't afford any stupid moves now."
Danni walked back to the common table for some water. Not realizing Andrea was right behind her until she spoke. "I can't stand when a woman knows a man is clearly taken and she continues to throw herself at him!"
"Keep talking Andrea, someday you'll say something intelligent." She retorted and went back to opening the water bottle.
"I know what's going on with you and Rick."
"This again? I don't know what you think is going on but-"
"Let's just say you put the ho in home wrecker." Andrea stood with her arms crossed.
"What? That's insane. I told you before its crazy. You are always trying to stir things up. When karma finally hits you in the face, I'll be there; just in case it needs some help."
"Stop trying to deny it. I've seen you two. All over each other. It's disgusting, he's a married man and you are a married woman."
"If you have a problem with me, could you please write it nicely on a piece of paper, fold it and shove it up your ass?"
"What Danni, one man isn't enough for you? Always knew you were this way; I could tell when I first met you. Daryl, Shane now Rick? Who is next Glenn? Wanna do that to Maggie? Or how bout Merle you brother-in-law? Keep it in the family."
Danni was taken aback. Actually speechless.
"Some girls seriously need to learn how to control their whore-mones." Andrea added with a nasty laugh.
Finally, Danni regained her voice. "They say everything happens for a reason. Well, when I punch you in the face remember that happened for a reason."
Whore ...slut…. tramp... cocktease. It all came back, everything her stepfather had said, everything her mother had said. Danni saw red then it all turned black and as if sleepwalking or slavishly obeying a command with no idea what she was going to do or how she got there she found herself inches from Andrea. Everything seemed to blank out into a white roar and with all her strength she shoved Andrea as hard as she could, sending her into the table. She fell into a pile on the floor and immediately howled with rage
Danni saw her mother, she saw Jay, she saw the girls who taunted her in school, throwing condoms at her in the halls and always yelling that word whore.
The next thing she knew she had Andrea in a headlock and smashed her down to the floor. Andrea grabbed Danni's braid yanking it and punched her the face. Danni punched her back a good four times until her fist was sore from hitting bone and Andrea elbowed her in the gut. The anger blinded her and Danni put her hands around Andrea's throat and started strangling her. Andrea was still pulling Danni's hair it was all she could do.
By this time the group had gathered, and everyone stood around frozen not sure what to do or how to react to the barbaric display. Finally, Rick came running and just yelled "Daryl get down here!"
He heard his name and walked to the top of the stairs and saw Danni on top of Andrea, pummeling her face. "Aww, shit!" He raced down the metal stairs two at a time.
"Danni, hey Danni!" He grabbed her hands and pried them from Andreas's throat.
"Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy bitch around here!" Danni screamed, trying to regain her grip on Andrea's neck. The other woman was now choking and gasping for air. Daryl grabbed Danni by the waist and pulled her off Andrea.
"Put me down, put me down!" She shrieked as Daryl threw her over his shoulder and carried her kicking and screaming upstairs, leaving the rest of the group open-mouthed, staring with surprise. Only Merle spoke. He leaned in close to Andrea, who was touching her bruised cheekbone and split lip still choking and coughing.
"What I tell you Blondie 'bout messin' with the bull. Told ya you'd get the horns." He gave a mean chuckle and turned away.
"She's crazy, unstable. Rick! Rick you need to do something…she tried to kill me!"
"And what did you do to provoke it?" Rick was exasperated.
"Me? She 's the one banging your husband!" Andrea turned to Lori.
"Shut up Andrea." Lori said aloud. "You are such a bitch!"
Rick couldn't hold back "That is the craziest thing I ever heard. We have rules here remember that. If you plan on staying."
"She's got you all fooled. You'll be sorry one of these days." Andrea stalked off.
... .. .. .. .. .
"So?" Daryl asked flopping down beside her on the bed where he'd put her. "What the fuck was that? Huh?"
She thought he was pissed but saw the corners of his mouth turning up.
"I don't wanna talk about it right now. Fuckin' bitch doesn't know." Danni got up and retrieved the twins, wanting to hold them and feel their weight.
Daryl took Kiera from her and held the little girl up over him swinging her gently back and forth getting her to laugh and smile. He smiled back "What kind of example's that for our little girl?"
"A good one." Danni muttered. "I'll teach her be a roller derby queen yet."
He tickled Kiera. "In the morning though. Talk to me Danni, what's goin'' on?"
"Not now, I will. Just not now."
'Promise?"
She nodded. "Its how I chipped my tooth you know."
"Hmm?"
"Roller derby. Maybe we don't want her doing that; she's too pretty."
"You're too pretty." He reached over and touched her lip with a rough finger. Then turned his attention back to the gurgling, sighing little munchkin in his arms.
"Okay well, this little girl needs a story now. Don't ya sweetheart?" He adjusted her little pink knit hat.
Danni shifted Ryder on her lap and reached over to hand Daryl the fairy tale book.
"Which one?" He thumbed through the pages.
"Snow White please." Danni said settling in beside him.
"I ain't reading for you." He said with sarcastic gruffness.
"I know, I know." she humored him.
But Snow White it was. Whatever you want Danni, whatever you want.
"Once upon a time in midwinter, when the snowflakes were falling like feathers from heaven, a queen sat sewing at her window, which had a frame of black ebony wood. ..."
Danni looked at the tender way he held Kiera and how soft and gentle his voice was. Hell, even the fact that Daryl was reading fairy tales to his little girl made emotion swell in Danni's chest. She couldn't help but think of her own dad, how he wasn't there for her, to protect her. Daryl would always be there for their children. She put Ryder down on the mattress between them and lay on her side, listening to Daryl's raspy, honeyed tone and her eyes grew heavy and she fell into a restless stressful sleep.
Out of nowhere, a repulsive creature stepped into Danni's path. He had a grotesque body, horns on his head and a menacing smile. She froze in terror as his hideous face stared into hers. She desperately tried to flee, to move, but she was helplessly frozen. He grabbed her hair and shoved her down. She was afraid ...the pain shocked her. The lashes on her back. One after the other. Burning. Ripping. Then his words slashed her as well. "Slut, whore... it's your fault you are making me do this...you want this, it's all your fault." Danni's heart was racing. Her chest was pounding. "You want this." She couldn't catch her breath. "Bitch you love it." She felt light-headed. She felt faint. She thought she might die right there on the spot when she felt his final violation, rip her in two.
"Hey, wake up. Wake up, you okay? "
Danni hit Daryl and pushed him away as if she were a frightened, cornered animal. She opened her eyes with a start but continued struggling until she recognized him and where she was. She was panicking, unable to breathe. She fell into his chest sobbing and choking. "He's here... I swear he was here…" She was hyperventilating, blood roaring in her ears light spots in front of her eyes and Danni shook in Daryl's grip. The room was spinning and she felt overheated.
He continued to hold her. "No one's gonna hurt you."
"Daryl I'm gonna-" She leaped up from the bed and made it to the corner before gagging and dry heaving violently.
He was torn up inside. He knew what nightmares like this were like. Hell, he'd had them most of his life until he met Danni.
He hurried towards her and picked up her crumpled form, wiping her mouth with his rag.
"Shit I have to clean that up. Sorry-"
"Shhh, I'll get it. Now just come here. He led her back to the bed feeling her trembling.
"You know I never liked anything he did right? I never wanted any of it, those things he said to you.. when we went back in my old house. I didn't...didn't lead him on."
"I know. Hey is this about Andrea, the shit she said? Goddamned bitch has had it in for you since the quarry camp. I've a mind to-"
"Daryl she accused me of having an affair with Rick. That I seduced him and I'm such whore I want every man in the prison. I know she's still upset about Amy. she still blames me. She even brought up Shane. She-"
"Think I don't know my girl? That ain't you."
"Daryl...I-"
"Shhh. I got you. I know you're mine. Only mine. You have only ever been mine."
She leaned into his chest, felt his solid arms around her and knew she was safe. Nan had given him to her, he was hers as much as she was his.
.. .. .. ...
The next day Danni couldn't find Daryl all morning. Then when he appeared after lunch, he insisted Beth take the babies. The next thing she knew he had walked her outside the gate into the woods.
"A little more." Daryl held her shoulders, steadying her as he maneuvered her backward through the brush.
"What are you doing?"
"Okay. Turn around."
Danni found herself in front of a tree. Her eyes traveled down the trunk to a carved heart with the initials DD + DDD.
"Oh Daryl." she whispered.
He slipped his vest off and put it on the ground then lowered her to sit on it. He took one of her hands between both of his. He absently rubbed it between his calloused palms. "I know you've been having a tough time lately. You miss our tree. Remember the tree?"
"Of course I remember. You made a heart and everything, like a bitch." She said tears welled.
"Gotta have a heart around these things." He said just like he had the first time.
"Hey, why are there three Ds in the second one?"
"Danni Doherty Dixon. See I know your last name. 'Remember when you said I didn't?"
"Yeah, cause back then you didn't."
"It didn't matter to me what it was until I made it Dixon."
That's when Danni lost it. You really don't know? That heart-attack thing you've been having? It's love, that's what it feels like. He sat beside her as her body was racked with sobs.
"Hey, I did this to make you happy."
"I am. I am happy."
"You're the most beautiful thing I ever saw. The only thing I ever wanted in my life." He stopped. "I know I don't say this kind of stuff usually, but I always think it. I wanna tell you that I've never been so scared in my life thinking I was gonna lose you when you were in that state...sick...I never cared about losing anything before. Didn't have nothing worth losing I guess. Never admitted to being scared before either. Not to nobody else but you."
"I won't tell. I promise.
He nodded "Best not if you know what's good for ya." He smiled a little.
Danni stayed silent knowing there was more.
"'Remember way back? The day I asked you to marry me and I said I didn't want you being another version of me?"
She nodded. She remembered everything he'd ever said to her.
"What I meant was, you're like my other side. You do stuff I can't do." He stopped. "Shit, this ain't coming out right-"
"Yes, it is. It's like when you said I was like your crossbow. Stronger together."
He nodded. "I'm better with you. Better for having you in my life." He shook his head. "i'm yapping as damn much as you." He murmured.
She wiped the last of her tears and smiled. "Yeah, so what? Keep going. I wanna hear it. I won't even interrupt you." She noticed he was looking her in the eye with every word he spoke.
"Danni, thank you. I feel like a man now. Because of you."
"Daryl, you've always been a man. Neither of us is a kid anymore. But if you're a man because of me then I'm a woman because of you. We brought it out of each other."
He pulled her to him so that she was on his lap and her head rested against his chest. Her t-shirt shifted up and revealed stretch marks across her still fleshy belly. She pulled the shirt down.
"Yuck, I'll get back in shape but I think the stretch marks are forever."
He pushed her hand away to keep her flesh visible and ran his fingers over the marks. "Scars. Just another story; the story of our kids. Lookin' at those marks makes me think of our fucking, beautiful kids. It's what you told me once." He thought for a minute trying to get the words right. "You're a survivor, it's written all over your body."
"You too."
He pulled the Fairy Tale book from his pack. "Last night. You fell asleep at your favorite part," he explained and opened to a dog-eared page and started reading.
"The huntsman obeyed and took Snow-White into the woods. He took out his hunting knife and was about to stab it into her innocent heart when she began to cry, saying, "Oh, dear huntsman, let me live. I will run into the wild woods and never come back. Because she was so beautiful, the huntsman took pity on her, and he said, Run away, you poor child. He thought, the wild animals will soon devour you anyway. But still it was as if a stone had fallen from his heart, for he would not kill her."
... ... ... .. .. . .. .. …
"Breastfeeding helps and you're lucky to have good genes and good skin your body can go back and look pretty good pretty quickly." Lori had told Danni. It had been two months and one week since the birth. Danni held her breath and shimmied into her old back stretch jeans. They zipped and buttoned. "Yes!" She looked over at Daryl, who was sitting on the floor trying to repair and recycle bolts. He didn't look up. She pulled her yellow Tigers t-shirt on and it fit "Yeah!" She said again.
"Hey, aint they sleeping? "Don't wanna wake 'em." Was all he said.
"So we're getting low on diapers." Danni mentioned walking back and forth in front of Daryl, who was focused on his work.
"Yeah on arrows too. Gotta go on a run, maybe find another hunting supply place."
Danni stood for another minute, but he didn't look up at her. "A run for diapers too. I have cloth ones cut but, I have to admit it's so much easier not having to wash them with everything else I have to do."
"Hmmph.." He said focused on his work."
Danni sighed, loudly, noisily. He still ignored her. Finally, she bent down and snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Are you listening to me?"
"Yeah."
"Are you looking at me?"
"Yeah."
"Daryl!"
"He looked up surprised. "What the fuck?"
"Well?"
"Well, what? We can go on a run, get diapers. What?"
"Nothing. Nothing. Just nothing."
She turned on her heel and left him confused. He didn't know what he'd said wrong. "Damn girl...what now.." he muttered. He thought she was looking amazing though, back in those jeans, the sexiest damn woman he'd ever seen a mother or not. And she was his.
"Hey, queenie looking good." Merle called out as she passed him. "Nice to see you got that figure back. Mmm, hmm Nice to see it again." He slapped her ass.
Normally Danni would have been pissed but she was too happy to be back in her old jeans and tight t-shirt. "Thanks, Merle." Still she had to add, "But you ever touch my ass again I'll fucking-"
He roared with laughter. "Your attitude's back too. Missed you little queenie glad you got your groove back sugar." He winked.
She smiled. "At least you noticed. More than I can say for Daryl."
"Oh yeah? Sometimes I think the cheese done slid off that boy's cracker!"
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . . .
"Really you don't mind?" Danni asked Maggie, smoothing the soft cotton dress over her thighs. It fell just above her knees and its tank top style made her feel cooler than she'd had in weeks. June had brought the first heat wave and Maggie and Beth had taken to wearing dresses they'd managed to salvage from the farm. Danni decided to give in when Maggie offered her one of her own. She wore it with her engineer boots.
The two girls sat and affixed weapon holsters to their thighs The armory had a variety. The velcro and elastic band material holsters were pretty comfortable. Maggie holstered her beretta and Danni slid her trench knife inside hers. Dresses and boots and hidden weapons. They looked at each other knowingly. "Did you ever think you'd be strapping knives and guns to your body every day of your life?" Maggie asked.
"There's a lot of things I never thought I'd be doing." Danni summed up. She stood and took the babies out of their carriers.
"So, what do think about me going with you?" Danni was walking back and forth, a baby on each hip bouncing them playfully with each step eliciting smiles and giggles. She'd fed and changed them and now was trying to get them sleepy.
Daryl looked up from sharpening his knife. "As long as you're really okay with leaving them."
"It's unhealthy not to get away once in a while Danni. You need to get out of here for a bit." Lori chimed in. "It is the perfect opportunity for a quick, simple no nonsense run to that daycare center we saw. You'll be with Daryl and you know better than anyone what you need for these little guys."
Daryl looked up and shrugged in agreement.
Danni looked back at the table. Lori nodded. "The babies will be safe. I'm here, Carol, Beth-"
"Me too." Maggie offered.
"I'm here too queenie don't forget it. They'll be fine with Uncle Merle." He chuckled and Daryl shook his head still unused to this side of his brother.
"Okay, you've all convinced me. Thank you. You guys are the best. " It would be nice to get away just for a couple of hours and be alone with Daryl.
... ... ... .. . .. .. ..
"Company's close." Daryl stated as they exited the pickup truck. He scanned the yard in front of the ranch house structure that served a daycare center. "Stay tight." He added looking beyond through the trees covering her from behind.
Danni nodded. "Just hope it's not completely cleaned out."
They were silent as they maneuvered between pieces of colorful playground equipment. The caution was for safety's sake and because they struggled with knowing all the babies and toddlers who had once played here were dead or worse, Walkers now. The same silence hung over them after Daryl broke a window and helped Danni through. He followed her and the sight of scattered papers and art projects, construction paper, crayons and watercolor paintings taped to the walls was heartbreaking. The place that should have been so joyful hung with a funeral pall.
"We'll never have to worry about trying pick a place like this for the troublemakers." She said softly. She turned back to him. "I think it's homeschooling these days huh?" She smiled weakly. He knew she felt as shaken as he did. It was hard to feel so sad for all the kids lost but grateful that their own were safe and healthy.
"C'mon get what you need we gotta get out of here fast." Daryl grunted with exertion as he cleared doorways and lead her down a hallway to a small kitchenette area.
Danni noticed Daryl bend and pick up a cloth doll from the a pile of discarded toys on the ground.
"She'll like it."
"He looked back surprised she noticed. "Right?" He asked stuffing it in his belt.
He jerked his head motioning for her to get behind him when they heard some scratching and whining from a closet in front of them. He nodded for her to slip to the other side and slowly open the door. She did and they faced with a white-faced, hissing possum.
After the thud and squelch of his arrow hitting the possum, Daryl said. "Hello, dinner." The mag flashlight still in his mouth.
"I'm not putting that in my bag." Danni added.
He shrugged.
She opened a closet."Jackpot." There were boxes of disposable diapers and baby wipes. Formula too. They decided to take everything. After they had loaded the supplies into the back of the truck, Danni said, "Feels like the old days, doesn't it? You and me, going on a run."
He looked over. "Guess so, yeah." He wouldn't admit he was worried about her now, more worried than he'd ever been back in the 'old days.'
"We're lucky." He said after they'd driven for a bit. She knew he was referring to the destruction they'd seen at the daycare.
"I know."
"Can't feel bad about anybody else's-"
"I don't. They are our responsibility, and nothing's gonna get in the way of that. No one, nothing."
He looked over and nodded at her, proud she was such a good mother.
After another mile, she casually mentioned "You know, I feel fine again."
He nodded. "S'good." His eyes remained on the road.
"I mean fine."
"Uh huh, good."
"Um, down there." She finally spelled it out.
"You mean?"
"Yeah, we can, I mean If you want to. I really want to fuck you, but if you're not into it I under-"
Daryl pulled the truck over to the side of the road veering so hard Danni slid across the seat and her shoulder hit the door. She let out a surprised but excited laugh.
He shut off the engine and looked at her. Hell, he didn't want to wait. She'd been great taking care of him orally, but he wanted to be inside her. He missed the connection, the feeling of being one with her.
She looked at his sharp features and into his eyes as she leaned close and brushed her lips lightly against his. "It feels like forever." She whispered.
"Feels like nine fucking weeks." He muttered, shoving his tongue between her teeth.
She moaned at the first taste of him. Her hands flattened against his chest and she leaned her body as close as she could. She felt her nipples harden as his hands slid up her arms. She tilted her head to deepen the kiss and he sunk his fingers into her hair and pulled it from its knot at the back of her neck.
He broke the kiss and leaned back a bit to reach between his legs, moving the seat as far back as it would go. She took the hint from the need on his face and climbed over him.
"You feel okay? Really?"
"Oh yeah." She was already throbbing and wet as she settled on his lap on the driver's side before resuming the kiss. She groaned into his mouth as she pressed against his already hard length just behind the opening of his jeans. She was glad she wasn't the only one affected in the small space as she shifted her hips, pressing her sex full on against the bulge there. His holstered knife dug into her inner thigh.
His hands moved to her shoulders and pushed down the thin straps of her dress. The air moved over her skin like a light caress making her nipples even harder as his mouth moved from hers to nip at the tender skin at the base of her throat. She ran her fingers through his sweaty damp hair as he licked and teased her neck. He dipped his head and captured one hard nipple between his teeth. She gripped his head tighter as he ran his tongue slowly around then flicked it across the tip. Her back arched, pushing more of her breast into his mouth as his other hand came up, cupping and squeezing. She braced her hands on the roof of the cab as he teased her, her hips rocking against his, making her wetter. She had been a little nervous about that the first time after birth, but it seemed like she needn't have been. Her body was readying itself with no problem.
His hands trailed up her thighs slowly, over her holstered knife under her dress. He groaned low in his throat as he realized what she'd hidden from him all day; she wasn't wearing anything under the simple cotton dress. "Planned this didn't ya?" he grunted.
She couldn't do anything but nod.
His hands gripped her ass and pushed her hard against his straining erection. She brought hers to his head and lifted his face; kissing him as they ground against each other, dry humping in the small space. She knew if she kept this up, she could cum without him laying another finger on her, just from the rubbing of his body against hers and his scent assaulting her senses.
But she didn't want that, she needed him inside. It had been over two months.
She shifted slightly, slid her hands between them and unbuckled his belt. Then she gripped the top of his jeans, tugging hard and slowly popping open his button fly. She looked up and smiled at him as his hard and ready member sprang up into her hand.
She wrapped her hand around his shaft and squeezed, sliding up and down as his hands moved over her breasts. She leaned closer and rubbed her clit against the head, moaning into his mouth as her body clenched in anticipation. She trailed her hands up, running her fingertips over his tight stomach as she slipped them out from under his shirt and unbuttoned it as quickly as she could. She tugged it down off his shoulders pressing herself close to him so her breasts were against his bare chest. She couldn't stop the noises and sighs escaping her throat."Oh, God…" she moaned as she leaned in to kiss his broad shoulder, "mmmm…" He felt her shudder slightly as she kissed down his chest to his nipples, kissing and sucking and fluttering her tongue on them. "So long it's been so long," she murmured into his flesh. Their lips met again. She broke the kiss and slid his hands down to her ass, then she leaned forward so that her hard nipples brushed across his. He squeezed her ass in his hands and pulled her down tighter, harder.
They moved together, her clit throbbing as she bumped and ground it against the silky hardness of his shaft. Her hair flowed around their faces – and it was like they were close together in a very small shelter…like they were the only people in the world. She gave him another one of her "naughty girl" half-smiles. She lifted off him, desperate to have him inside her as his hands gripped her hips and he shifted, positioning her over the tip.
The head of his cock opened her she groaned and sank down slowly, letting herself feel every inch as he slowly penetrated her. It hurt at first having been so long and so soon after her healing, but she soon adjusted and discomfort melted away. She arched her back, bracing her hands on the roof of the cab of the truck again as her muscles gripped him tight. She slowly started to roll her hips, sweet sensations coursing up and down her body as she moved. She had missed the healing feeling of completion he always gave her. They just looked at each other, not speaking. Words weren't necessary then. Something sacred was passing between them. Her hands found his and they squeezed hard as he pushed up to meet her every downstroke. Her eyes closed, she bit her lip and threw her head back. With her body arched, riding him, her breasts rising from her body he thought he had never seen anything so beautiful his life. Their moans and thrusts became one in rhythm, building in intensity and speed. His hands met her breasts, squeezing, then moved down and around to her ass. He pulled her down on him over and over again. She leaned forward and braced her hands on his shoulders. Her eyes were clenched shut and her mouth was open moving from an open-mouthed smile to an open mouth of concentration and lust.
Danni felt it coming, that telltale flutter in her lower belly and moaned, speeding up. Her pelvis came down against his harder, the sounds of their skin slapping against each other, filling the cab as she rode him harder and harder...reaching for that taste of ecstasy.
His hands never stopped. Teasing her nipples...cupping her breasts...and driving her higher and higher. He slid one down over her hip as his mouth took the place of his hands on her breasts and his fingers moved across her stomach to where they were joined. Her body shook as his rough calloused fingers opened her and started to stroke rhythmically over her hardened clit, she gripped his shoulders and slammed herself hard down on him. As she clenched around his fullness inside her, gripping him tightly she came in a rush, almost crying with the release, his name a low moan on her lips.
"Feel good?" His voice was low and husky as he took over the pace, his hands on her hips gripping her tightly as he pulled her down hard against him. "Mmmm...unnnh." Her body clamped around him like a vise as she moved with him, meeting his strokes and coming again while feeling him swell inside as he fucked her harder and harder reaching for his own release.
She leaned forward, one hand snaking below him and gripping his lower back, pulling him harder against her as her teeth bit into the sweaty skin of his neck and shoulder.
She half whispered and half groaned into his ear as his thrusts sped up, knowing it would set him off. "That's it baby, fuck me hard. God yeah, you feel so fucking good, it's been so long. Now you, you come for me baby...come for me."
He felt that electrical surge from deep within. "Say it again... tell me to fuck you hard..." he growled
She squeezed around him, kissed him roughly while their teeth hit and she groaned into his mouth, "Fuck me Daryl." She kept grinding her pussy against his pelvic bone taking him completely inside her. Her body quaked with the power of her orgasm and she came again while he pulsed and throbbed inside. Her mouth captured his grunts as he emptied himself.
She collapsed against his chest, heart racing, her body like jello as she felt him slowly soften and pull from her. She laid against his chest trying to catch her breath, her heart still beating hard. She came so hard she felt like she had just sprinted a mile.
As their labored breathing subsided, their lips met again in soft, tender kisses; kisses of longing fulfilled, of deepest gratitude, shared, and of love. They broke the kiss, and she raised her head, looking into his eyes. They were silent for a moment, lost in each other's blue and green gazes. He could see her eyes moisten a little, and finally she whispered, "I missed this so much, miss you, us like this. Thank you." She was a mother, but also a woman and he recognized that she was capable of being both. Her self-esteem soared. He brushed the hair from her face, letting his fingers move to her lips.
He changed the subject. "You should wear dresses more." He murmured.
"I love you." She said tears welling.
"Hey, what's this?" He caught a tear on his thumb as it fell.
"I just love you so much and I don't say it enough, and I don't care if it makes you self-conscious I'm gonna say it, cause nobody makes me feel like you do, nobody and I need you to know and I-"
Aw, Danni. She was going off again so he smiled before he covered her mouth with his and kissed her words to a stop. He pulled back. "You talk too goddamn much you know." He said it with affection. Then added "Love you too."
He didn't wait for a response got out of the cab, put on his shirt fixed his pants. Finally, she hopped down and joined him.
Does the perfect man exist? Yes, he lives inside the heart of a woman in love.
"We should get back." He said
"I'm sure they're fine."
"I know I miss 'em that's all."
"Me too."
"I gotta take a piss, be right back." She watched him head to the side of the road.
When Daryl walked back around the truck, she was gone. "Danni?"
Daryl heard a male voice and turned to see her being held by Jack the same guy who'd tortured him in Woodbury. He stepped forward, aimed his bow, but a second man held a gun to her temple.
"Bad idea. Got a message from the Governor for you and whoever's in charge of your group."
Daryl didn't lower his crossbow. "I should have killed you when I had the chance."
"Yeah, you probably should have." Jack nodded.
"Let her go." He hated seeing another man's hands on her especially that man.
Danni flashed him a look. She had her knife hidden holstered to her thigh under the dress. The men hadn't seen it. She began to count down silently mouthing the numbers. Five, four... He watched her lips. Working with their oblivion she snaked her hand under the skirt and slipped the knife stealthily out of its holster and when she mouthed one she plunged it into Jack's thigh. The surprise and pain caused him to let her go. As she dropped to the ground, Daryl shot an arrow into the shoulder of the second captor with the gun causing him to lose his grip and drop the weapon. He doubled over in pain. When his pistol hit the ground, Danni grabbed it and ran over to Daryl and stood beside him.
"I already tell you to wear dresses more?" He asked, reloading the bow with a grunt of exertion.
"Yeah, yeah you did. Now let's fuck him up." She said referring to Jack. "What's that thing you said a long time ago about us? Bonnie and Clyde playing house?" She raised the gun and aimed at the man who'd tortured her husband and caused the death of her ex-boyfriend. Karma.
Daryl continued to aim the crossbow at his chest.
Jack held his hands up in a gesture of surrender. "Look I got a message. Okay? Don't shoot!"