"It was not the thorn bending to the honeysuckles, but the honeysuckles embracing the thorn."
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
The snoring above her started almost immediately. Danni forced herself to breathe slowly and deeply, consciously filling her lungs as far as she could before exhaling. Fixating on her breathing held off her panic.
She stealthily slid on her stomach from underneath the bed, grabbed the backpack and headed to the door, willing the snorting and snuffling of the man on the bed to continue. She stopped, her hand gently turning the knob listening for movement on the other side. Hearing none, she opened the door, winced at the slight creaking and looked in both directions. The hallway was free of people. She swiftly headed down the corridor, but hearing voices, peeked over the banister glimpsing two road rough, travel dirty men ransacking the living room while talking about porn films. She darted to the end of the hall figuring she could flee out the window when suddenly a shadow approached from the right. She ducked into the bathroom. Danni pulled open the window but before she could get a foot up on the sill something grabbed the hem of her hoodie pulling her back from her escape route.
"Well, what do we have here? Hey, sweet thing." She spun and yanked her jacket from his hands. "Stay away from me." Danni warned backing away. She brandished her knife, but the heavy-set man kept approaching. He chuckled and licked his lips hungrily.
"Shoot Danni!" Daryl shouted in her head. She heard his command and swore she felt his hot breath on her neck. "What I tell you?" Danni looked down at her hands. She was holding the gun Merle left with her. She knew she'd pulled it from her waistband and she knew she had to use it. "Kill or be killed. You don't hesitate!" Daryl ordered passionately. She smelled him, the wafting Angelica archangelica surrounded her; earthy, herby, woodsy. She inhaled the musky, animal-like undertone. She felt as safe as if Daryl were holding her.
"You can do it, now shoot the goddamn son of a bitch!" He rasped in her ear. There was a sickening crack and a thump and he man's chest seemed to explode.
She climbed out the window, skittered across the shingled roof, grabbed the gutter, dropped to the grass and sank down into the soft stalks, hearing the men shouting for Lou. They'd be coming soon.
Merle had been approaching the house when he heard the gunshot and now raced toward Danni from the road with an expression close to being frantic. He hauled her up and dragged her behind him toward the woods. Once under the tree cover she stopped and looked back just in time to see the dead man's furious head poking out of the bathroom window. He had turned fast. The sight of him as a Walker boosted her strength to get away and she overtook Merle, catching sight of his surprised face.
The group of men were busy dealing with the aftermath of their dead friend's attack, giving Danni and Merle a chance to get a safe distance away.
"Know what's fucked up about this world? The living are more dangerous the dead." Danni caught her breath as they weaved their way between the thick pines.
"People don't change queenie. The world may have done a three sixty on us, but people... well they're gonna stay the same. "
Danni shook her head and let out a noisy sigh in agreement.
"I say we head East out of these woods. If we follow that there direction might be able to pick up the road that leads to the highway and get us to that house. It's just getting through the damn woods and finding the main road is gonna be a bitch." Merle began in a tactical tone. When she didn't answer, Merle added "You had to do it queenie. Kill."
"I know. I'm not sorry. Not one bit." She nodded. "We didn't survive just to keep surviving. We made it to keep living. We'll find Daryl, find my kids because we are supposed to live."
"Don't know about all that 'supposed to' talk...you sound like my momma...but I do know shit happens. I'm proud of you, you handled yourself good, got yourself outa there alive and had my back."
Danni was speechless. She actually didn't have an answer for such an unexpected compliment from Merle.
"I'm serious …. one thing I do know is Daryl wouldn't want a gal who ain't worth her weight. I figured you had to be a tough one. Daryl wouldn't be interested anything less. You did good. He'd been damn proud of you. "
At Merle's mention of Daryl, Danni began to sniffle and a couple of tears escaped.
"Goddamn it, don't you start blubbering again. Turn of them waterworks girlie. Gonna make a liar outta me?"
"No," she wiped her nose with her sleeve and regained her composure. "Thanks, Merle. I always figured you thought I was a pain in your ass."
"Oh, you are. But you know you handle yourself out here. You drive me batshit crazy, don't get me wrong but at least know you ain't gonna get me killed out here."
"Mind if I hang on to this?" Danni motioned to the gun in her waistband.
"Hell no. Be my guest. I found a stash of guns and ammo in a house up the road. " He motioned to the black bag by his side.
"I miss him."
Merle didn't answer, just forged their way ahead through the brush.
When the sadness of love lost pushes you down, use the remains to hold yourself up and cover yourself with dignity. Stand tall, chin up, tits out and head held high. Know you can persevere because you've become a good woman despite all odds and wear your past with pride, for you could not exist without it. We're all just learning.
Danni took the notebook from her backpack and scribbled her thoughts as she and Merle trekked through the sun-dappled woods.
... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .
Daryl watched Beth sleep at the base of a tree, curled up tightly in an old blanket she'd found after they'd scavenged a country club earlier in the day. He had started a decent fire with the wads of cash bills he'd found. Paper. That's all it was. Paper that held so much power back in the day. Now, just scraps for the fire. Daryl chuckled a little knowing that Merle would get a real kick out of using the bills, fifties and hundreds to wipe his ass after taking a shit in the woods.
Their small camp was booby-trapped with hubcaps and tin cans strung around the perimeter as a primitive but effective Walker alarm system. He'd found a knife for her and felt Beth would be safe on her own while he searched the woods for...what was it again? Something. Something was telling him to get out there and track.
Shine. It was strong tonight. Daryl rose from his crouching position and felt almost apprehensive at the stillness of the night. The mist rising from the earth had a blue tinge to it and his breath was visible in the damp chill. He'd been on its trail for the past 15 minutes. The tracks were strong, defined. This was easy. Too easy? He was getting closer. Suddenly, staring into the fog he forgot what he was looking for. What had he been tracking? Something moved to his right. He tensed and raised the crossbow, turning slowly, eyes narrowed in focus. Nothing. A snap of a twig. He whipped around to its direction. Nothing. What the fuck? Why was it so quiet? He stepped cautiously forward, his mag flashlight between his teeth now so he could hold his bow up, the beam creating more shine. Suddenly the moon seemed brighter cutting the blue fog. He looked up and she was there maybe twelve feet from him. He stopped. His stomach dropped while a chill raced up his spine. Danni. She smiled and began walking toward him. All his pent up fear, longing and pain dropped him to his knees. The cold dirt was not registering on his knee, bare from the tear in his pants that he never let Danni repair. He bent his head as if in prayer. She then kneeled in front of him, put her hand out and although it was night a butterfly flitted from of the mist and landed on her palm.
"Is this…are you here? Really here?" Daryl was afraid to raise his eyes, convinced she was a vision and would disappear.
"Yes. Look at me." Although she didn't open her mouth he heard her voice clearly. "This section of the woods is Sanctuary, home of the faeries; they are enabling us to be together. For now."
Daryl brought his left hand up and cupped her face. She tilted her head forward and leaned into his palm so he could feel her flesh soft, warm and real. She had come to him as she did when they were kids. He needed her and she was there to comfort.
"Focus your thoughts on how we are together and don't think so much about us being apart. Intent Daryl." She was glowing, her long hair silky and flowing. She had on her wedding dress. She just looked happy to see him. He felt her joy and wanted nothing more than to be enveloped in it eternally
"I just want to look at you forever." He murmured. Her smile enveloped him even as her eyes shone moist with tears. "Sing it, please?"
"Oh baby of course.
For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right
To you, I'll give the world
to you, I'll never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right
And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before."
"Don't go Danni. "
"I have to." She gripped his fingers even as they stroked her cheek.
"No. I won't let you." He put both hands on her face.
"It's not time, but it will be. When the moon is full we'll be together if you don't give up. Daryl, I know it's hard. I know sometimes you think you can't do this without me. I believe in you, haven't I taught you to believe in yourself? Don't stop looking. I haven't. We'll be standing together. When all this is over, you won't be alone."
"Danni." His voice broke and his face twisted in anguish when the vision faded.
Daryl's eyes opened to see the moon a bright thin slice of white crescent above him. It was finishing its wane. It would wax soon and become full. He'd find her again. He would. She was guiding him.
"I miss you so much," he whispered. Looking down he noticed a playing card on the spot where she'd been kneeling. Nine of Diamonds. He picked it up. Strange, but he sensed she left it for him, wanted him to have it. He held the Nine of Diamonds between his thumb and forefinger, rubbing the waxy card stock feeling assured, somehow. "Okay, Danni, whatever you want, whatever you want."
... ... .. .. .. .
Danni shuffled the playing cards with intent as she and Merle sat facing each other over the small fire she had started. He made her do it, wanting to see if Daryl was actually as good of a teacher as he was. "I taught Daryl everything he knows about the woods and surviving out in 'em. Let's see what he taught you queenie."
She had started the fire with his steel and flint kit.
"Impressed?"
"Won't be impressed till I see you hunt."
"Me either. That will be impressive, if I catch something. "
"Wanna know what landed me in Juvie?" Merle asked casually.
"if you want to tell me."
The night was pitch black around them, barely a star in shone in the sky making the crackling glow of the fire seem like the only reality.
Danni realized that Merle needed to talk as much as Daryl didn't. He filled most of their silences with observations about the other group members, especially Rick and his own prowess as a hunter or a fighter. Sitting under the stars trying to ignore the chill of the night he surprised her with his subject matter.
"Wanna take a guess?"
"Not really."
He chuckled, but his face remained serious.
"When turned sixteen. I met Luanne. We was sorta going together."
Danni continued shuffling the cards but leaned forward with more interest.
"One day after school one of the bullies had Luanne cornered and was trying to kiss her. I could hear her telling him to stop, but he wouldn't. So I went up to him and let him have it. Beat him to a miserable pulp. I didn't care no more. He deserved it and I was dishing it out. I could hear Luanne yelling for me to lay off but I wasn't listening. I had all this hate and was taking it out on this asshole. Three teachers had to pull me off of Buck. They took him to the hospital and took me to a judge. Well with all my priors for vandalism, stealing, loitering and the like they finally locked me up. Juvie jail's where I spent the next two years of my life. Last thing I remember was Luanne crying into her hands and Buck being taken out on a stretcher. I wanted to tell her i t was for her...I did it for her and I did but it was more than that. I was just mad. You know, pissed off about life. I remember the judge telling me that he wished he could lock guys like me up for good and throw away the key. He said I was nothing but a burden to society. I guess I was lucky being they let me out when I turned eighteen. But Daryl...it was the first time I left him...left him alone with that..." Merle cleared his throat. "Anyway, didn't learn much in jail. Spent most of my time showing how bad I was. They said I was a violent danger to society. Well, fine, I'll show how violent I could be. I fought. I was used to fighting. You know though, first time in my life I'm starting to wonder if I really wasn't that bad; maybe I hurt more than anything else. It's just that my life sucked so bad, I wanted to get even with the world. You ever have that feeling?"
"Yeah." Danni sighed. "I did for a long time. Fighting everybody and everything but the problem is that the world always fights back and always wins."
She wanted to ask why he was telling her all of this, but instead she just said. "I bet she was pretty."
"Luanne? Oh, that woman was more than pretty, she was goddamn beautiful queenie. Sun colored hair, she had. Like a light on the darkest day. You remember how I said back there I think you done saved Daryl's life?"
She nodded.
"You kept him from making some of the same mistakes I made. I wanted him to leave you...run out on his kids. I told him he wasn't good enough to be a daddy, but the truth is...I wasn't good enough to be a daddy. I ran out on my kid and I just wanted Daryl running with me, like he always done. Didn't want to be alone. Pathetic huh?"
"Not pathetic. A dick move yeah, but, hey it didn't work out that way so-"
Merle guffawed. "Yeah, it was a dick move."
"You said kid...was Luanne-"
"Yeah she was and she said she was keeping it so I lit out for the army first chance I got."
Merle became silent lost in his memories. Danni focused on the cards. She pulled nine of diamonds which correspond to the Nine of Wands. Danni grasped the hope it offered. She recalled its message with a desperate faith.
The Nine of Wands suggests that you are so close to reaching a goal, but at the last minute, you are faced with yet another challenge or setback. Know that you have the inner resources necessary to overcome any difficulty you meet, even though it may seem impossible at the time. You are so close to finally achieving success, do not give up now! When you are feeling battled and bruised, you need to be patient and vigilant. Nine of Wands is a sign of hope and encouragement that if you stand firm and strong against your challenges, you will meet your goal. The challenges before you now are only the last bit of darkness before the break of a wonderful dawn.
... ... .. .. .. .. .
Merle had Danni awake practically before the sun. She felt like they'd never stopped walking. She was grateful that her cramping and fatigue had been steadily letting up. Sometimes she was amazed at how tough her body was, how well it performed for her every day. She'd always fought through sickness and injury rarely letting it stop her for long.
"It's a trail?" Danni asked looking at the trampled brush under her feet. "How do you know?"
"The signs are all there. Just got to know how to read 'em." He gestured with his good arm.
"What are we tracking?"
"You tell me. You're the one who wanted to learn." Merle followed closely behind.
"Well, something came through here. The pattern is criss-crossed, unsteady. It's a Walker. Its not a human. A person would keep a straighter line right?"
"Maybe it's a drunk." Merle added.
"I'm getting better at this. Don't see why you and Daryl make such a big deal out of it."
"Yeah, keep on tracking queenie."
"So really if we got separated you could find me, you'd know my tracks?"
"Mmm Hmm."
"Not that we will but-"
"Trust me I'd find ya."
"And there it is." Danni pointed to the Walker they'd been following.
Merle jogged ahead and pierced its skull with his bayonet. As he turned back, his triumphant expression suddenly became concerned. His eyes widened and at the moment he shouted her name Danni's blood froze as she heard a growl escape the throat of a Walker just a foot from her. She twisted violently, leveling her knife at the reanimated corpse shuffling towards her. She didn't panic; the sight of rotting corpses no longer scared the shit out of her it was just the surprise.
To her horror, the one Walker became four, then ten, twenty. They were multiplying, stumbling out of the trees at every angle.
"Merle! Merle!" She shouted suddenly losing sight of her brother-in-law. The noise caught one's attention; the corpse abandoned its shuffle and started towards her. Merle shot it square in the back of its head. "Just shoot the damn things!" He shouted.
Danni heard shot after shot from her own gun and Merle's. Her finger was becoming numb as she kept aiming and pulling the trigger. She watched the bodies disintegrating in a gory explosion of blood, bone, and rotting flesh. The sheer number of dead made the stench overwhelming and disgusting. She turned, but Merle was no longer beside her. Walkers were still careening at her. She had to run. She stabbed the corpses, calling for Merle still unable to see him as she made her break. She ran until she lost her breath, her throat was sore and she felt her heart would beat out of her chest. She collapsed on a clump of musky damp leaves. Finally, she felt safe but she was alone. She waited an hour before heading back to search for Merle. She laughed bitterly at the thought of tracking him. She couldn't track for shit, not really, not with one only one lesson under her belt. The ground before her read chaos from the trampling herd earlier. She couldn't distinguish any sign of Merle. She refused to think he was dead, but she had to keep going so she walked East. She continued East, alone, pushing more heartache into that small space just below her diaphragm.
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . .. .
Two days. Two sunsets two dawns. The third morning she was hungry. Danni knew she had to eat something or she'd fold.
She remembered Daryl's lessons. That's right. That's where you want to set the noose. So you hide it with leaves. Then you put sticks all around it so any animals going by have to run this way right into the trap.
She returned to her snare at dusk and when she saw she had caught something she laughed out loud. She laughed with a mixture of relief, disbelief and triumph. "I fucking did it!" She laughed to the point where she bent clutching her belly breathless and tears would have fallen if she had any left. She thanked the rabbit for its sacrifice and its help to keep her alive as she loosened the noose. She skinned the rabbit the way he taught her. If only Daryl coud see this. Well, wait until I tell him. He'll never believe it. She made a fire, cooked her meal then climbed a tree that had branches that grew outstretched in a v shape, perfect for sitting, as if the tree was waiting for her. There was no way she'd risk falling asleep on the ground alone. She thanked the timber and leaves as she pulled herself up to its safe boughs to eat and try not to doze during the night. She watched the fire die, her head nodding as she fought exhaustion and battled to keep her eyes open.
She knew she was dreaming, the fuzzy edges were proof of that.
She felt strong arms around her and knew at once they belonged to Daryl The well-defined chest under her head confirmed it; a heartbeat thudded in her right ear while a verbal sand poured over her. She was bathed in his masculine monolog yet even though he was right under her it was hard to hear him; as if he was speaking through thick glass.
She wanted to move, to look into the blue eyes that made her breath catch in her throat. She knew they would be looking at her.
He shifted beneath her, pulling her lips to his, her eyes closed and she screamed at her dream self. The frustration was clawing at her stomach building into a wild animal thrashing around, the turmoil was too much she was surely going to be torn to pieces. His familiar mouth moved against her own. Intense passion boiled in her chest, her stomach, her legs, until one touch of his soft full lips tamed the beast. He always drove her farther than she thought possible.
A small groan came from his throat, she smiled and broke the kiss. Her head found his chest, his hand stroked her hair. She felt so safe and protected he was her guardian angel. She never wanted to leave his side, just thinking about the possibility made her heart clench with pain. All at once she couldn't breathe she turned to ask for his help but he was gone. She could hear rushing water and feel pressure all over her body. Was she drowning? Where was she? Who am I? Someone, please help me.
It was dark, she was sitting up in the tree. A flash of memory blinded her mind, her heart was breaking to be back with him. A sob burst from her mouth, tears streamed down her face. She felt her soul going insane from the heartache.
I miss you.
She missed him so much, she closed her eyes willing the dream to return. She reached out her hand and felt him.
She felt the soft smile that came to his face when she touched his lips. She felt the fine lines and slight grooves.
She stroked her thumb up and down the side of his face, barely touching the skin. She traced tiny circles around his cheekbone and followed the line of his jaw down to his chin. Her fingers brushed up against his lips again. This time they were moist and she slid her own over them. A stray lock of his hair fell across the back of her hand. She twirled it around her finger before pushing it back into place. She reached around his head and took hold of one of his ears. She pulled and tugged at it. She bent it and gently scrunched it up. She felt it get warmer as the blood rushed into it. He smiled a little and sighed.
She let her fingers drift over the rest of his body. She remembered not only the soft warmth of his skin, but also, he hard scars marring his perfect flesh. They didn't break him.
She opened her eyes and realized he wasn't there. Her fingers caressed only the air in front of her.
I miss you. She spoke softly, "I miss you so much that I can't put it into words, me, Daryl, me lost for words? But I am going to try. I'm going to try to explain how much I want to see you, to touch you, to hold you in my arms until the world falls away and there is only the two of us. Like it used to be. I miss you. I miss you so much that it's as if the world has become muted because of your absence. The sky is less blue that it should be. The sun and the moon and the stars have all lost their brightness. I hear a bird singing and can't help but feel that it is missing its clarity. Everything is different, everything is less because you are not here. I miss you."
"Hey," He said. "What dog can jump higher that a building?" Daryl asked.
"What? I don't know?"
"Any dog, buildings can't jump."
"That's a terrible joke." She said.
"But your laughing."
"Cause it's horrible."
"What do I do?" Danni looked up at him. They were twelve years old.
"Wait for me." He pleaded "just wait...I'll be there."
"I know I'll find you. Daryl, I am as brave as I can be, I'm not giving up, but I miss you."
... ... .. .. ...
"The place is nailed up tight. The only way in is through the front door." Daryl entered the main parlor of the funeral home where he and Beth had chosen to spend the night. The place seemed almost cozy, bathed in the warm flickering candlelight, decorated with heavy oak furniture and a plush oriental rug. He pulled himself up on the side of the empty casket that was the focal point of the room, swung his legs over the side and lay back on the soft padding.
"What are you doing?" Beth asked actually finding his gesture distasteful.
"This is the comfiest bed I've had in years."
"Really?" She laughed a little then returned to the book she was reading by candlelight, a paperback copy of Wuthering Heights she'd found in the gift shop at the country club the day before.
"I ain't kidding." He reclined, stretching one arm back under his head and with the other reached into his jacket pocket retrieving the playing card. He held it up examining it, knowing Danni was close. He felt a surge of hope and excitement. She was near. "I got you girl."
"What?" Beth asked.
"Nuthin'."
"Hey." She began and he sat up. "This line in the book I'm reading, listen. 'Her tongue was always going-singing, laughing, and plaguing everybody who would not do the same." Beth looked up at him. "Danni. It makes me think of Danni and how you say she's always talking so much and stuff."
Daryl shrugged, but Beth saw his face soften and a small smile took over his lips. He flopped back down in the casket, feeling strongly that he'd be hearing her rambling on about something again real soon. Real soon.