I know what the fear is. The fear is not for what is lost. What is lost is already in the wall. What is lost is already behind the locked door. The fear is for what is still to be lost. -Joan Didion
"What's going on why were you two outside?" Kieran heard the door and immediately rushed down the hall, expecting Walkers. He sheathed his knife when he saw Danni and Daryl.
"Danni was sleepwalking." Daryl explained in a stilted voice.
Kieran noticed his daughter's faraway gaze and knew this house and the spirits keeping it safe were calling in the bill.
"Sleepwalking?"
"Yeah, I'm fine dad."
"Mm hm." Kieran cocked his head as Daryl steered Danni up the stairs. He leaned on the banister.
"You're really mad." Danni began to speak as Daryl led her to the bedroom.
"No, I'm…yeah, I'm a little…no, look-"
"You're scared." Danni knew when he was frightened or threatened he still went back to anger.
He looked away. "I want to keep you safe and you're not making it easy for me. Now get under the covers you're fucking freezing."
"I'm sorry I'm worrying you."
"I didn't go looking for Rick and them because you asked me not to. Because we decided to focus on us. Our family."
"I know, thank you."
"Well this…I'm asking you to stop this. Stop digging around and making this ghost shit keep happening. It's like you're poking a rattlesnake. Leave it be Danni. Stay here in our life, with us."
Danni pulled her knees up under the blanket and rested her back against the headboard. "Lorelei has been coming to me for a while now...at the prison too. I...I think she's a spirit guide. An ancestral guide. Like she can claim some sort of kinship with me. Like I'm related to her, the way you are to John. My Nan told me that these, spirits are reincarnated guides because they are the spirits of someone who loved us during their physical lifetime, or who had some sort of blood connection to our family."
Daryl stared hard into her eyes trying to believe.
"She helped us Daryl. I want to help her if I can."
"You don't know what you're saying."
"No, I'm saying something you don't like. Daryl, this is who I am…it's not so easy to just stop."
"Yes it is."
"Are sure you're a Leo I swear sometimes you are such a Scorpio."
"Danni this ain't funny."
"I didn't mean it to be."
"You remember when I got you back after the Governor…"
"Yeah.
"What I said? "
"You said you fucking loved me and that I had to stop doing risky things."
He nodded. "Danni, do you love me? "
"Of course I do. How can you even ask? I love you so much. "
"I'm saying it again. This ain't how you show me you love me. Just...aint."
She took a deep breath and nodded. He grabbed her hand and kissed the palm. "I hate feeling like I'm losing you."
A sharp cry shattered the heavy silence between them. "Scout," Danni said aware of the nuances between the two babies cries.
"I got her. " Daryl stood and cupped her chin. "You sleep."
She didn't argue, just said "You are not losing me."
"We need to start over here. Make things good, I thought you wanted that?"
"I do."
He nodded. "We have been through a lot. I know things are still tough.'
"Don't worry baby. Nothing matters but you. You aren't gonna lose me. Hey, you're my guy. For the rest of my life. You are all we need."
He set his jaw and nodded before disappearing into the dark hallway. The baby was dry, no need for a diaper change. She was just having one of her pitching a fit at the world moments.
Daryl found that the surefire way to stop his daughter from wailing was always a walk around the room. He bounced her gently in his arms in rhythm with his steps. Her crying lessened and her red puffy face began to grow pink again. She tugged on the scruff covering his chin and gurgled.
"You're easy baby girl." He murmured softly as he closed his fingers around her chubby fist when she began lightly punching his jaw and laughing. "Wish it was so easy to settle down your momma."
"Ma...Ma. Ma..Ma." Her tiny voice chanted the sounds and Daryl felt a gentle, comforting warmth spread through him. It was a different feeling than Ryder gave him. Not a greater sensation of love by any means, just different. He and his little girl were going to have a bond over Danni that he couldn't quite define as of yet.
"Ma. Ma.. Ma.." she repeated the syllables in an insistent rhythm. "Mama.'
Her first words? He wasn't sure. Was he supposed to know? They'd missed a month with the kids. Must be her first. Should he tell Danni? She was sleeping. He decided to have this moment with is little girl alone.
"Momma huh? How long you been saying that? "
"Mama." She said again.
"We love her, don't we, that momma of yours, huh, sweetheart? You know what's happening don't you baby girl?"
When Scout stared back at him with an almost unbearable blue intensity that matched his own, he truly believed she did sense Danni's state of mind. Soon enough though, she settled and he sat down in the rocker, nuzzling her. His eyes were heavy and he let them close.
The yard was big. Next to the fence Daryl saw few boxcars full of animals. Cows, pigs. All were waiting for their last route, waiting to be killed by the men milling around. It wasn't like hunting, where you faced the animal, where it was your skill and wiles against the animals' own. And you honored every part of your kill. This was cowardly, weak. This meat would taste like cowardice and fear. He didn't know what he was doing here. He heard the voices of all those frightened creatures. He passed and they were looking at him with those sad eyes, asking for something. He couldn't understand what they were asking for. Help? Suddenly a trailer was opened. Some animals got off, others stood frightened with trembling legs, didn't want to go forward. A few men got onto the truck and started beating them, kicking, hitting. Cows were frightened and started running away.
He entered the slaughterhouse. Fear was in the air, in the animals' voices. Daryl watched the animals standing in the corner, watching others standing in front of them being killed with cruelty. Fright, despair taking over the big cows' and pigs' eyes - they knew what was coming and not a single animal wanted to be killed, he could see that plain as day. They had no choice. Massive butchers had their own methods to make animals give up. They were pushing them, beating, knocking them down and dragging along. He felt sick looking at those cows - still alive hanging on the hooks waiting to be slaughtered. Blood was everywhere, on the walls, on the floor, on butchers' clothes. Animals' cries, braying squeals... they were asking for help, for help that was not supposed to come. Suddenly one butcher came up to the cow that was in agony, put a cup near her neck, waited to be filled with blood and drank it. Daryl turned his head away disgusted. That's when he heard it. "Daryl!" Rick's voice calling him. "Daryl!" He turned but couldn't see past the tragic beasts hanging on the hooks. "Help!" was that Carl's voice? Carl and Rick were calling to him over the sounds of the screaming animals. Daryl saw the boy's sheriff's hat on the ground it had been trampled. Where was Carl? Why were the kid and Rick here in a slaughterhouse? Why was Daryl himself here?
Daryl awoke with a jolt. He smelled blood, felt the fear from his dream rise from his gut up through his chest like heartburn. He placed a bit with Scout then placed back in her crib. Now restless and confused by the dream, he headed downstairs to check the security of the windows and doors. He preferred to worry about the threats from outside and not within.
He turned the corner to the kitchen to find Kieran at the table.
"Have a seat son."
Daryl grumbled a weak protest, but joined his father in law.
"Danni has been sleepwalking you say?" Kieran asked raising an eyebrow.
"Yup. That's what I said."
"You seem a bit upset over Danni doing a little bit of sleepwalking then, lad. "
Daryl tightened his jaw.
"And when Danni does this sleepwalking of hers, is she not seeing things you can't see? Is she not saying things that make no sense to you...maybe in someone else's voice?"
Daryl widened his eyes just enough for Kieran to know he was on the right track. "Danni is channeling," Kieran explained as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "My ma did the same thing, it can be unsettling." He pulled on his beard, looking thoughtful as if lost in a memory.
"It ain't good for her."
"It's who she is, what she is."
Daryl stood and pushed his chair back noisily. He paced for a moment before going out to the back porch.
He hissed through his teeth when Kieran followed. The older man leaned forward, setting his elbows on the wooden rail beside Daryl.
"You're afraid lad, afraid of losing her to this."
"I ain't." Daryl argued.
"Remember boy, you married a witch. All this comes with the territory. I grew up in it. Like I said, my ma, Danni's Nan, was powerful and Danni is just as, if not more. You've got to trust her."
Daryl didn't answer.
"Here." He offered Daryl a cigarette.
He shook his head. "Danni don't like it, around the kids and all."
"What she doesn't know…." His father in law replied in a sing-song tone. "We men have to hold on to some of our small pleasures, am I right?"
Daryl relented and took the cigarette. He pulled out his Zippo and lit both.
"I see you being afraid of her being taken away. I saw it when I showed up at the prison, I see it now with this. You need to let up boy."
"Hell, you know?
"I know you've got nothing to worry about. Danni isn't going anywhere without you. She loves you and that's another thing. A witch's love is more powerful than the average woman's. You've got it all of it. Not every man can handle it. "
"You saying I can't?"
"No lad I am saying you can and you'd be wise to remember it. But it's not an easy road."
Daryl thought of his mother. His father forced her to give up her abilities and she lost herself. Daryl took a long drag, inhaling deeply, considering Kieran's words. He blew out a cloud of smoke and watched it disperse. "What do they want, these ghosts?"
"My guess is they need to cross over. They're stuck here, like."
"Danni said something about being' between worlds. It's like hell." The cigarette hung out of his mouth as he spoke.
Kieran nodded. "She's right. "
"And she's gonna help them do it?"
"I'd guess that's the plan, yes."
"Just seems like she's gonna get hurt doing it."
"Not if you help and support her through this lad, instead of making her feel guilty about it. I ran from this world you know. I married a settled girl, a commoner. I didn't stay with my the clan. But Danni has my blood and she is a chosen one. She couldn't leave it behind as I did. I'll say it again, her gift is undeniable; maybe greater than my own ma's. She has to do these things, she'll always be involved in the other realm in some fashion. This is part of her heritage. Look lad, in Ireland the magic is there. We all know it's there and those who want to use it are welcome to it. It isn't something we think about or worry about or even talk about for the most part. It just is. Even the dogs in the streets of West Kerry know that the Otherworld exists and that to be in and out of it constantly is the most natural thing in the world."
Daryl sighed.
"Our people live with it, it's not odd or strange if ya get my meaning. Slipping from one world to the other is normal through the myths and stories we all know of. An Saol Eile, we say in Gaelic. Other life. Don't assume it's always dangerous. These spirits don't mean her harm. I know the signs of the Sluagh and there's been none."
"The Slu…the what?"
"They're not so much demons, as the Sluagh are malicious creatures in Irish folklore. Sluagh are dead sinners that come back as evil spirits. These spirits come from the west, flying in groups like flocks of birds, and try to enter a house to take away a person's soul. Some Irish families," he coughed, "like mine, would keep their west-facing windows shut at all times to keep the Sluagh out of their homes. I see this situation as whoever is contacting Danni has kept this place for her, given us all safety and in return she's got to help them."
"Help them cross." Daryl sounded almost resolved.
Kieran nodded. "You spend so much time worrying somebody or something is gonna take Danni from you. Now I like that, I do, a father couldn't ask for a better man to take care of his daughter. I mean that, son. But don't drive her away, not when she needs you most. Remember what happened to your own Ma."
"What are you talking about?'
"When your father forced her to give up her gift. What that did to her." Kieran paused. "I know who you are Daryl."
"And who's that?"
"My ma and your's were friends. I wasn't sure at first, but after talking to your brother, well lets just say he and I had a few youthful indiscretions with the law during those summers I was there as a boy with my clan. "
"So you knew Merle? You knew my momma?"
"Not well, I was just a lad myself but yes. Why do you think your brother and I get on so well, aye?"
"He didn't say nothing to me."
"We just put it together ourselves. Our recollecting is a bit slower with age you know."
"My momma, huh? So you know she was like Danni too. And that my old man...he took it away from her."
"I do."
Daryl spit to the side and raised his voice in exasperation. "You and Danni's Nan. You know, you two are really something. Always sticking your nose in our business, but making me think you ain't." Daryl wasn't angry, just stating the truth as he saw it. "Brigid's been doing it for the last year, messing with us, and she ain't even..." Daryl paused realizing that for the past year he'd been communicating with the spirit of Danni's Nan. "She ain't here. She's ...out there," he gestured to the sky. "But she still gets in our damn business."
"We have a knack, it's true. For meddling." Kieran's eyes twinkled and Daryl felt like he was going crazy for a minute. "But it's for the family. All is fair for the family son. You should know that."
Daryl breathed a heavy sigh and put his head in his hands as he pitched forward on the rail.
"You're not alone here, not in any of this. I know things between us are ...complicated. But I'm here for you. For Danni and my wee gran babbies."
Daryl raised his head and nodded. He faced Kieran and looked the man in the eye. "Hey, I ah…never thanked you for what you did."
Kieran waved him off. "No need."
"Naw there is. You came through, man. You saved my kids. Got 'em here. You did. So thanks."
Kieran nodded. "You're welcome. You saved my daughter. In more ways than one."
Daryl took a last drag then tossed the cigarette over the porch rail to the dirt. "You ain't never talked to her though. About stuff from when she was a kid."
"No, not yet."
"You don't think you should?"
"I take it you do?"
"She's not gonna bring it up. She's still ashamed. She don't need to be and with me she's better. But I see shame in her eyes sometimes. Sometimes she got the saddest eyes in the world, you know?"
Daryl's face softened as if he could picture her green pools swimming with tears she tried to hold back. He ran a hand through his hair pushing the shaggy wisps off his forehead. "She still has them nightmares. She needs to be at peace with it and the only way is if you talk to her. "
"Well, it seems like we both have something we need to do for our Danni, aye?"
Our Danni. Daryl didn't bristle this time.
"I will talk to her."
Daryl nodded and his lips moved into a slight smile.
"I have to say though," Kieran went on. "It's interesting that the two of you have asked each other not to do the things you're best at. You are not tracking, going after Rick and your friends and Danni not using her magic."
"You saying we're wrong?"
"No. Its none of my business really. I just see talents not be taking advantage of, and I am an expert at meddling as you well know. So ..."
"You think I should go? Try and find them?"
"Do you?"
"I don't know. I had this dream though like maybe they're in trouble. But could be nothing. I don't know." He rubbed his chin. "Gotta get Danni through this first though."
"A dream? Dreams are important lad. Don't you ever think otherwise. Don't ignore a dream."
"Yeah, that's another thing about you people...damn dreams."
"Daryl, you are not helpless. I know sometimes Danni's gift may make you feel like that. I know you are not the kind of man who can easily sit back and watch things happen."
"Sun's coming up," Daryl observed aloud.
. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .
"Do they cry enough?" Danni asked nervously. "Sometimes I think they don't cry enough."
"Never heard a ma say that before," Brigid laughed.
"And their eyes... they see things, don't they Nan?"
She nodded solemnly. "They have it too Danni. They have it. You need to guide them. As I did you. When the time is right. You will learn how strong our bloodline is. It only becomes stronger with each generation. The babbies are special, darling. Very special."
Her children were like her, like Daryl but with even more ability?
"Now my Danni, she's calling. You need to go to her."
"Her? Who is she?"
"Cant you hear her?"
Danni woke to find herself standing in the attic doorway. She was barefoot and wearing one of the black crepe gowns from the bedroom trunk. She didn't remember putting it on. She smoothed the rich material, trimmed with lace between her fingers. Lorelei called to her from above, so she walked up the crooked, winding steps to the attic to get to her. My Black Lace Twin.
Lorelei took Danni to the back of the attic, a place she had not explored last time she was here at the house. She hadn't realized the eaves stretched so far. In the rear of the attic was a large room filled with period furniture, all in pristine condition. Family portraits that spanned hundreds of years lined the walls beneath the rafters. As they walked and talked, Danni's eyes were caught by one of the paintings. It looked like Daryl with shaggy chestnut hair and deep blue eyes. It was John. Beside it was a one that took her breath away. Lorelei posed in a black mourning gown. The portrait showed her features stronger and clearer than did her ghostly form. Danni put her hand over her mouth to cover a silent gasp then whispered, "With my hair a bit longer, I think we could pass for each other."
Lorelai smiled and pointed to a trunk. Danni opened it to find countless journals. She picked up a stack. The two women sat on pillows and leaned out the window taking in the crisp pre-dawn air. It's time. Lorelei began to share more personal experiences in her bound books; written stories and secret songs-all narratives Danni was meant to know.
Danni opened the leather journal to a page dated early November that was smudged and tear stained. It detailed Lorelei's return home after finding John dying on that battlefield. A short period of time passed with no entries and then she had recorded her shock at finding herself pregnant. In her devastation, Lorelei admitted to attempting to take her own life only to be thwarted by her father. He had made her promise to take care as she carried the last she would know of John Dixon, her husband. He told her she could not lose John twice by losing his child.
She did not write again until after the birth. It had been twins. A boy and a girl. The rest of the journal was empty. Danni reached for another. As she read the first entry, she wiped tears from her eyes. The twins had died from a fever. They lived only seven months. There were sparse entries over the following years. Lorelei wrote of the fire that had destroyed most of their home and the hard years following the war as they rebuilt. The rest of the narrative was a blur to Danni after reading about the death of the babies. Yet, as shocked and taken aback as she was that the twins had passed, when Danni turned to last page and scanned the family's genealogical lineage the blood drained from her face and she felt surreal. A name jumped off the page. Keira Doherty was Lorelei's grandmother's maiden name. Doherty, my name. Kiera my daughter's name. Nan had said the bloodline is strong. Blood is why we are here. The unmarked graves. It's the kids. They are somehow keeping Lorelei and John here. I have to figure out how, why. Danni stood quickly and realized she was alone in the attic and dawn was breaking over the trees in the east. Lorelei was gone. Danni clutched the book to her chest and walked to the stairs. She had a lot to tell Daryl. She would tell him everything.